it is well, with my soul. maybe not with my life or my feelings, but with my soul it is well. God is good, all the time.

I'm not sure who reads this blog anymore, but just so you know (for those of you who do), I'm going to keep posting on it. You know, every week or so. It helps me just to write things out. In fact, I've been writing almost every night for the past couple of weeks, and thanks to the processing I get from that and a whole lot of help from God, I'm doing ok these days. I know my last post was super-depressing. But I'm alright. And I'll continue to be alright.

I'm still struggling a little bit. I mean, emotionally I am a little up and down, but mostly just feeling constantly drained and constantly on the edge. You know that feeling when things set you off, make you feel hopeless or worthless or depressed or upset even though you're consciously aware that the person didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or didn't mean to make you feel that way, or that whatever they said/did wouldn't normally get to you. It's a frustrating thing because even if you can control your reactions, your feelings are still there.

Church last Sunday was fantastic. The worship was just exactly what I needed, and was such a blessing. There was one point during the music where Juli (one of our phenomenal worship leaders) was talking during a little musical interlude. It was during a song she wrote recently, about worshiping God and asking Him to reignite your passion even in the middle of struggles and pain. She put up some verses from Psalms, in which the psalmist is crying out to God, asking how much longer God is going to ignore him and leave him in his pain. And Juli said something so insightful that's been with me all week - she said all of us are or have been or will be in that same place, feeling like God is ignoring us or doesn't care about us, or doesn't have control of our situations. And she said, your feelings are valid, but they aren't necessarily grounded in truth.
That hit me so hard for some reason. I guess because we always talk about the dangers of basing our actions off of feelings, but then it's so hard to downplay your feelings because they are....well....feelings. We are human and personally I've always felt that our feelings are very important, even if they aren't necessarily good. And so I'm realizing that, even to God, our feelings are valid and we should explore what we are feeling and why we feel that way. But at the same time, our actions need to be grounded in truth.

And the main action I'm concerned about right now is worship. Just how incredibly important it is to make worship a lifestyle and a continuous action, most especially when you don't feel like doing it. I'm realizing that in some times it is the only way through rough times. Like, what on earth would I do if I chose to be angry at God and ignore Him when everything else in my life is crumbling? But if I choose instead to cry out, to pour out all my feelings, all my anxiety and fear and pain and hopelessness and depression, and still to say "You are God and you are good, all the time, and I will worship You." That's when I am aware of His presence and His love for me more than ever before. I guess these are the blessings in hard times we hear about. But it takes humility and effort to receive them - it takes worship when you don't feel like it.

My friend Bret is always saying God is good, all the time. That's been sticking with me too lately, because it's been a rough month for me and some days it's honestly hard for me to believe that He is good ALL THE TIME. That is getting better too, as I feel His comfort more and see that despite my situations, He is in control and is working things out for the best (even if I can't see it all yet). But I'm so thankful to have these wise people in my life who keep guiding me on in the right direction.

One thing I'm struggling with is the concept of grace. I mean, what on earth is grace, when it comes down to it? I realize that I've heard the word literally all of my life and I still don't understand it. I learned in AWANA that grace is a free gift from God. But so is oxygen for that matter, and Christmas presents are free gifts, but that doesn't mean I know what's inside of them, or what they actually are. For example, what does it mean to stand in God's grace? Or for His grace to be given me, what is that? What does it make me do? How does it make me feel? I guess maybe I've always equated it with patience, but I don't think that's what it is. I can ask God to give me grace but I really don't know what I'm asking for - it's not like asking Him to give me wisdom or discernment, or boldness. I still believe that patience is something you work hard for and develop, not something you magically get. So yes.....anyone who has a clue about grace, please chime in. And no offence meant, but I'm trying to stay away from theological wording. I want practical stuff.....and I'm through with religion and rituals. I want to know what this stuff actually means in my life.

Another thing I still don't have a clue about is God. That sounds weird, even to me still. But I've been talking to Him more lately, and I mean talking to Him not talking at Him. All my life, even (or especially) in prayer, I've talked at God, given Him my list and added religious, churchy words to make it sound like a good prayer. But I think that prayer, while certainly a time to bring requests to God (but humbly and in deference to His will), is just as much a time to get to know God and allow Him to know you. I mean, of course He already knows you better than you know yourself, but to allow Him in as far as you are concerned, like you would with another person. This week I've caught myself literally crying and telling God my feelings about a situation over and over again, which is so unusual - I never would have done that before. But I wasn't really talking to God before, I was just going down a list and talking to the ceiling to make myself feel accomplished. But it certainly never made me feel better. Actually talking to God and letting Him love me made me feel so peaceful, even though the situation didn't change. And having God's peace and experiencing His love makes it easier to worship Him despite bad situations.

But it is confusing to me about prayer. I am realizing that I know God very little indeed. I know about Him - I know what He is like, His attributes and whatnot. But I don't know Him personally very well yet, haven't experienced Him much, or let Him take me where He wants me to go very much yet. And I am confused what to pray for, because more and more I see that He knows best and I just want to pray that His will be done. And sometimes that means that what happens isn't what I actually want to happen. So I've taken to both telling Him what I want (which is the list method, but when you're actually talking to God and recognizing that you are asking for what you want and humbly saying that it may not be what God wants, then it's ok) and praying that what He wants is what happens, and recognizing that He is good all the time (which gives me peace because no matter what happens with my prayer request, I know He is still taking care of everything), and committing to worship Him no matter what happens. And one day at a time, I am understanding a little bit more. And I realize how little I actually do understand of the insane, counter-intuitive love of God.




There is one particular thing that I'm struggling with lately, and it has to do with family/household stuff that I can't really go into here. But the other thing I can talk about that has me really anxious lately is my worship team. Frankly, I believe we are under a spiritual attack.....physically nearly everyone has had some issue in the last year. Two of our female vocalists have had surgery this summer, our bass player had major finger troubles and is still not able to play all of his instruments (which is bad because he plays gigs for a living, in addition to teaching). Our drummer has been having trouble with sinus infections. Our percussionist, Gary, was having what we thought was rotator cuff issues, and recently found out was cancer - he was diagnosed and given 4-12 weeks to live about a week ago (this has hit me especially hard lately). Tonight we had a band practice and my dear friend Bret, who plays guitar for us, is having major stomach pain and doesn't know what's wrong yet - but he said there is a good chance he could end up in the hospital from it.

I don't mean to sound like everything in life is horrible, because it's not (I am loving my job at Menchie's, and teaching is getting back to normal, and a lot of other great things have been happening!). But you guys know how important and dear my worship team is to me - mostly because I won't shut up about it - and so I would really appreciate it if you'd pray for some of these people. And I just wanted to explain a bit about why I've been anxious and having a hard time lately. Bret fondly told me that as I haven't been sick yet, that must mean that either I'm safe or I'm next. So comforting.............

Anyway. This post has gotten a lot longer than I anticipated. I meant to give a little update, which I didn't really do at all. But I guess I needed to throw some of those things out there that have been on my mind lately. Who knows, maybe one of you needed something as well.

Oh Lord, You've searched me
You know my ways
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me, I know you Love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?