G.K. Chesterton wrote the absolute sweetest love letters to his wife I have ever seen outside of an Austen novel, and soon I am going to post one.

for some reason, I'm in a writing/posting mood lately. I think it's because I've been so emotional lately, and have been journaling so much. the more I write, the more I want to write more.....if that makes sense. so, this post won't be so existential and crazy emotional, I promise. maybe I'll actually write a little bit about what I've been doing, how weird would that be?

but to clear up a little more from the last posts (though they are still valid and not ancient history yet), I am doing much better. still depressed sometimes, still anxious a bit, and still very unhappy about some circumstances in life, but overall my soul - the innermost person of me - is doing much better. I am so excited because I can't believe how much closer God and I have grown over the past month! I think one of the most important things I have been learning (apart from worshipping all the time) is that when someone asks me how I'm doing, my answer should not depend solely on my circumstances. if I'm having a good or a bad day should not be determined by how much sleep I got or if I have to go to work (God forbid I should be grateful for my job!) or if my body is exhausted or healthy. I should be able to tell someone that life sucks but I'm still doing great. circumstances aren't what my humanity wants them to be, but God is good, all the time, and that is enough for me to have hope and joy and still be good.

so yes. life is a wonderful thing, despite its suckiness.

as to what I've been up to lately......mostly work, which is actually marvelous (lol I just got paid). I absolutely positively love my job at Menchie's - it is so perfect for me, and the people I work with are incredible too; it's almost like a bonus getting paychecks and free fro-yo. like, I feel so lucky just to work there. I've never felt like this about a job before, and I'm hoping it doesn't change. I mean, I love teaching piano and I'm excited that all my students are coming back this week because it's fall, but even about piano I am not usually really excited. I enjoy it, but it's just a different kind of thing. most days, even when I don't want to leave home and go to work, as soon as I get there I feel energized and the time flies by, and I love interacting with people and keeping everything just as it should be within the little Menchie's universe. I don't know why I get such a kick out of it, but I do and for that I am so grateful.

I may have said this already but I'm getting transferred from the southcenter Bath and Body Works to the supermall one. I haven't worked there in a couple of weeks because my managers don't seem to know who still has a claim to me and where to schedule me....but I'm fine with this. as I was telling Bret this weekend, I'm not sure it's the right job for me. I like the customer focuse, but not so much the product, retail-centeredness about it, or the agressive sales focus. maybe it's just a weird feeling I'm getting, but I have this vibe that maybe I won't be there much longer after I finally start working the sales floor. this could change too though - wait and see, I guess. right now I'm enjoying the occasional inventory shifts and all the free products!

school starts in two weeks, and the closer it gets the less ready I feel. especially considering that I work two schoolnights a week until at least one in the morning........ugh. but mostly it is this fragile contentment and balance I'm learning to get right now, and I know in two weeks I will feel like it's all been shattered, and it will be hard to talk to God again, and on top of that my eating and exercising habits will get worse and my self-esteem will go down again, which is the last thing I need right now. inside I am excited (like, nerdy-excited) to learn about botany and biology and possibly even some of the interesting aspects of geography; I am so psyched to play a Steinway every morning in choir, and to see old friends and feel like a college student again. but also inside is this fear of stress and forgetting about God, and this feeling that I have moved past my running start days and need to leave even Green River behind me now - that I am ready to go somewhere else and finish my growing up. but, at the same time I believe two more quarters is right right now, and God probably has plans I can't fathom yet. it's just such a struggle to keep myself from putting so much on my plate that I can't breathe anymore. but I suppose recognizing it is the first step.
AND, my word I can't even tell you how freeing it is not to have to practice piano two hours a day anymore. like, I have so much more time (which I have promptly filled up with work, of course) and my back doesn't hurt, and my anxiety is less than it used to be. I play so much less, which sometimes makes me sad, but getting back to normal with worship team stuff is really exciting, and playing just for fun is incredible, and soon I'll be practicing a bit for choir which is another really fun, energizing kind of thing. and also, we may do some TSO for Christmas with my worship team this year, which is something to give me a smile! so all in all, I'm working at balance and not drowning in piano is helping. I've realized that, while I love piano, I'm not that much of a musician. like, my piano isn't magnetic for me.....I play things I love to play, but I don't just sit down for hours and play anything and everything because it's there. but, even though this was a shock to realize over the summer, I'm adjusting to the idea and it's really kind of freeing for me - like I left a path I had explored a little too far and now I get to go somewhere new, or further down a different path.

I am getting my hair cut, on the first day of school. I am getting it cut SHORT (hallelujah!) and messy and layered and uneven. I have never had the guts to do this before, but I'm very, very excited to do it now. somehow the seasons changing always make me want to change something in my life. I cleaned out my closet today and reorganized it a bit, and got rid of some stuff I should have gotten rid of last time I cleaned out my closet. I think maybe the rain has a purging effect on me, in addition to making me want to curl up with my down blanket and chai and Chesterton forever.

next weekend is Father/Daughter camp for me and my dad.....back in June it felt lightyears away, but now I cannot believe it is coming so fast. I'm really looking forward to some time away with just the two of us - he has been working a ton lately and our family time is suffering a bit. Father/Daughter camp is this weird time where I feel like I am always the same person, and life is so simple, and even though I see how much I have grown, and often there are big changes to cope with (girls I knew getting married, having kids, people moving on, etc.), there is some core anchor that never changes - something God-ordained. it is a time of refreshing - it is challenging and healing and reassuring at the same time. even though circumstances change there (and not unfrequently), it is always, and will always be, me and my dad - and God. the 6-year-old girl that started going there so many years ago with her superhero daddy is always there, infused in the very wood of the cabin bunks, always watching the sunset over pastures and Puget Sound, and she is always there to greet me and remind me who I really am, and how good God is and that my daddy is still a superhero, kryptonite notwithstanding.

and this may be my last year at father/daughter camp - or at least my last for awhile. next year I will be in Europe or at school for both dates (there is a camp in June and one in September), and it is the first time in 13 years we will miss), and only God knows what happens after that. my dad and I agreed a couple of years ago that we would keep coming as long as I was home during camp, no matter how old - there is no age limit. but thinking about not going back in a year's time is a lot like thinking about leaving everything I know for Europe in April. makes me want to cry, even though I see what a good, necessary thing it is. my 6-year-old may always be a part of me, but I can't rely on a time or a place forever to remind me of what's at my core.....somehow I have to go into the world to discover that for myself, I cannot keep staying at home and expecting to find something new and let that make me an adult. in other words, it's not a passive thing that just happens to you. it's active and it's hard, but it's good.

as a completely random side-note and not such a happymaking one, my blood sugar has been freaking out for the last couple of weeks now. like, every single day I get all shaky at some point. and my eating habits haven't changed (haha, they are just as rotten as ever). so......that's kind of weird and I'm not sure what to do. I really don't want to go to the doctor about it; I think when it happens while I'm with my grandmother (who is diabetic) I'll check my blood sugar and see if I'm high or low or what's going on. blah.....life rushes on.

alright. I have managed to keep somewhat out of crazy big thoughts in this post and give you a nice, simple, ridiculously long update. so as Puck says, "and so goodnight unto you all!" I am going to check my shoe and see if it is dry, because it got melted frozen yogurt all over it last night and I had to clean it off with a toothbrush and I don't know if I got it all out. haha yes, at the job I love so much. so taking the garbage out is the biggest downside. :P

take me under your wing tonight
make me so perfect in your eyes
hold on, 'cause it'll be alright
you're not alone

and you'll be here, forever
forever you'll stay
and you'll promise to love me
you'll love me always
you'll love me for always.....always