hello again. I surprise myself at how much I feel the need to post lately, but I have so much on my mind, and 1) it does me good to write about it, because it helps me process and grow; and 2) I hope maybe it will help someone reading this.....I think God has some purpose in this posting frenzy so I'm going with my gut and writing when I feel like it. plus it's my blog so even if no one is reading, I still don't see any reason not to post.
but I'll warn you that this one is ridiculously long as well. anyway, here goes.....
I am learning to have joy despite circumstances. the wonderful thing about this is that joy and depression don't coexist....which means my depression is becoming more rare each day. I am also learning to worship despite circumstances, and this is wonderful because worship and worry cannot coexist either....so my anxiety is also going down. and no, I didn't just magically do this by myself, nor am I terribly good at it yet. but I'm getting to actually know God for what feels like the first time, and it's an amazing thing.
I've said before (and still I'm not going to go into details much), my home life is a little interesting right now - there is just some interesting family stuff, mostly having to do with my parents' marriage (because marriage is just plain complicated), and with having an extra person in our house who didn't grow up here - a transplant, if you will. but things are messy and tough, and on top of this a lot of other people who are very dear to me are having terrible life circumstances for no apparent reason - if it's not one thing, it's another (and then another, and then something else on top of that, for good measure). it's very painful, and like most people, I have found myself wandering around saying, "Why, God? Why?"
but I've learned that often there aren't reasons. I mean, yes we do usually have to pay for our stupid actions, but often crap just happens and it's not because of some crime we committed or weak faith or anything. I am learning, slowly and painfully, that life doesn't own me anything. I am not entitled to anything, no matter what standard of living I grew up with. life is messy, and sticky, and sometimes really sucky too. life is tough, but God is faithful. life is tough, but God is good - all the time.
and God is worthy of worship, worthy of giving our lives to, not because of what He does for us, but simply because of who He is and how He loves us (SIDE NOTE - if you don't know the song How He Loves Us, go to youtube right this instant and listen to any version of it other than the Kim Walker one). even though I've grown up in one of the best families I could imagine, I still sense the vast difference between the conditional love my parents give and the eternal, unconditional love of God. so even though the last month has been hell in some ways, it has been one of the best months of my life. I feel that I never knew God before now......sometimes I have brushed up against Him, and a few times I have talked to Him with complete honesty, and always I have believed in Him, but like Job said, "I had heard of You before, but now my eyes have seen You." I feel like I grew up thinking I knew God well because I knew about Him so much, the same way we can feel like we know a person we have heard so much about and seen from a distance. But just like that, sometimes you meet the person face to face and are blown away by who they really are. I have known God a little for a long time, but I am learning that the more you open yourself and the deep hidden parts of your heart to God, the more fully you get to experience Him too. I think this applies to all of life - the more you make yourself available, the more you experience others, and especially God, as well.
I am learning about prayer. these days I don't tell someone I'm going to pray for them unless I actually am going to do it honestly. what I mean by that is that I refuse to pray checklist-style anymore, because it's insincere and I think insulting to God. it's like telling your husband you want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and instead sending him a text thanking him for fixing the sink and reminding him that you are out of milk. so nowadays my prayers are a lot more disorganized and confused - but they are real conversations. and they usually lead to me writing down something, because so far that seems to be how I hear answers from God, when I do hear answers. and as another side note, I think it's good to get angry at God sometimes, it's healthy to have doubts and questions - AS LONG AS you keep the communication open with Him. human relationships are like this too. It's ok to have an argument with your spouse or a friend as long as you remain honest and loving and keep working through it.
I just finished this book that I started last night (yes, it was that good) called Life is Tough but God is Faithful. I saw it on our bookshelf, and since that phrase "God is good all the time" has kind of been my motto lately, and life has also been very tough lately, I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm a little annoyed with Christian books right now (at least, the generic ones like How to Pray or Your Quiet Time with God or [seriously?] The Biblical Blueprint for an Ideal Marriage. I don't much like the idea of basing my relationship with the creator of heaven and earth off of someone else's experiences. but I digress). Anyhow, the book was written by Sheila Walsh, and I highly recommend it if you're in a tough spot right now and need the encouragment. Plus the author is Scottish, so that adds several awesome points. =) if you don't need it now, keep it on the back burner, because life IS tough and disaster will strike one of these days.
I wanted to share a few things from the book that jumped out and hit me in the face, because my thought is that probably most of you aren't going to rush out and read the book (or, hopefully, don't need to right now), but might still glean some helpful things from it. plus, I'm still processing. aren't you lucky, my faithful readers? anyway, a few excerpts:
"I believe that when we base our faith on apparent answered prayer, getting the solutions to our problems right now, we're in real trouble. If we mistake God's silence for indifference, we are the most miserable of people. If we give up when we no longer understand, we reject His caring, steadfast love and cut ourselves off from our only real hope."
On the goodness (rather than the assumed weak faith) of having doubts and questions.......
"Questions force an honesty that requires us to live with our lives unresolved." Frankly, that scares me to death, but knowing that I can trust the one I'm questioning even if I don't get the answers right away is comforting and kind of exciting. life may not be organized or remotely under control, but it's honest. my friend Bret has been a fantastic model of this for me over the past year, and I can see that it's worth it. even though his life is often filled with pain and rarely in focus, he has this sweet fellowship with God that I envy and a raw honesty with other people that ensures true friends - and how on earth you get through this life without true friends I can't fathom. Bret is the one always telling me that God is good, all the time, and finally I am starting to believe him. living life unresolves is scary but the only good way to do it.
(And the reason I'm talking about Bret all the time right now is because I'm learning so much from him right now.)
On the author's dad as a 'practical Christian'.......
"He didn't just pray, he was prepared to be the answer to his own prayers." In learning how to pray and actually talk to God and not at Him or about Him, I think it's crucial to remember that He may ask us to be the solution. prayer is easy if you are not willing to sacrifice, but it means nothing.
I've talked a little about Gary, the percussionist from my worship team who has terminal cancer and probably only weeks left to live. I've been praying for Gary....we all have (and not checklist praying but more like "God, I don't understand this at all, I don't like this - we are asking You for a miracle if You are willing, but in the end Your will be done" kind of praying), but the last couple of days I've felt it laid on my heart to try and visit him. I was mourning that (unless God does a miracle and heals him), I'd never get to know Gary. He only played with us 3 or 4 times and is the quiet, laid-back sort of guy it takes time to get to know. but suddenly this voice in my head was like, "Gary is sick, he isn't dead. you can still get to know him if you have some guts."
so, the thought of going to visit someone who is weak and who is dying, who I barely know and probably have very little in common with, is terrifying. but I care about him and I don't want to live in fear. a life of fear only holds you captive and blesses no one. anyhow, please pray for me because the imagined awkwardness of the thing still makes me afraid and nervous, but I know it's what I need to do.
"The Greek word for salvation means 'to save, to heal, to make complete.'" Crazy awesome, because I've only ever thought of it as saving....you know, 'Jesus died to save us from our sins' sort of thing. But He also came so that we could live in Him, not just go to Heaven instead of Hell. He came to heal the brokenhearted, to give us the ability to live victoriously in His love, to make us complete people. I think that's so amazing. life's circumstances can suck big-time, but we can still be complete and thrive because we know God.
"It would be so much easier if life were like a game of riddles in which God gives us hints about the right questions to ask. Then we could solve our problems and move on. But life is not a game. It's really a worship service, and each of us is a living sacrifice." She also talked about how being a 'living sacrifice' means we have the choice to crawl away when things get hot and uncomfortable, or to stay on the alter and glorify God in the midst of our circumstances. and our worship as living sacrifices - people with the choice to love God or not to love Him - is like sweet incense to God. Life as a worship service....what a beautiful, challenging thought.
"If we believe in God only for the blessing He can give us, our belief in Him is not based on love and trust but on our own selfish desires and our own concept of what we think God owes us." Yikes. have I really spent 18 years thinking the God of the universe owes me something? that I can effect His love.....or manipulate His blessings? trying to place Him under some kind of contract that 'if You do this I'll serve You; I'll love You if you keep on doing that.' what a sickening thought. the author also talked about how the only valid reason for serving God is because He is worth it - because His love for us makes Him worthy of our praise and our trust. I was just thinking, it is probably impossible to live a life of trust in God when you are only in it for the blessings and not actually willing to stay on the alter when He asks something of you. because trust means living blindfolded and walking forward without knowing what the ground looks like. but God is worth it, and I believe He also blesses those who walk by faith. not to mention, living a life of religion really sucks - all you end up doing is beating yourself up. so when circumstances are bad and you're not seeing God's blessings, the religious Christian life is probably the worst of all.
"Your security has been all wrapped up in thinking of yourself as....[who you are as a person, your accomplishments, what you have done to serve God]. But that's not why I love you. I don't need you to do things for me. I just really love you."
I just really love you. I always forget that God doesn't actually need us. That no matter what we do for Him, He won't love us less or more. and I know that in my head, but I always think that 'growing in my relationship with God' means I feel His love more. which may be true, but it doesn't mean that He actually loves me more. His love is infinite and overwhelming and no matter how much or little I do, He just really loves me. Elsewhere in the book it says "Christian service is a poor substitute for Jesus Himself." why do we run ourselves ragged doing things for Jesus, all the while, running right past His wide open arms? "see God, see how worthy I am of your love? so how much I'm doing for you? aren't you proud of me? hmmm, I wonder why I'm feeling so exhausted and unfulfilled?"
A little extension of my musings on grace....."The Hebrew word for grace means "to bend, or stoop." Love that goes upward is worship, love that goes outward is affection, love that stoops is grace."
and lastly......"Our hope in Christ enables us to come to God with open hands into which He can place what He wants and out of which He can take what should not be there." I guess I'm such a control freak when it comes to my life and what happens in it that this really hit me hard. If I'm not willing to let God have control of my present and my future, and do what He asks of me without struggle, then I am actually saying that I trust myself more than I trust God. which experience has shown me to be a rather stupid choice.
and something I was writing as I mused on all of this: "I think we have so much trouble trusting God - we allow ourselves to experience His love so little - not because we do not want or need His love, but because we are so afraid of losing it. The sensation of being loved, of true friendship and trust and devotion, is one of the most exhilarating things in the world when it hits your heart. I remember when I first knew for sure that someone I truly loved felt the same way about me.....truly loved me for some absurd and unknown reason. It's a crazy feeling. But losing something as beautiful as human love is shattering, and one of the most painful sensations. So we close off our ability to either give or receive love, and with it our ability to trust God and experience even a fraction of His love for us. and I can only imagine how it must hurt Him - in all His crazy, intense, unfathomable love - to see His precious children padlock their hearts like that, when His love is so honestly our only hope.
there are a couple of songs that we've done at my church - one is about the craziness of God's love, and I desperately want to put it up here so you can hear it (you know how some songs have as much meaning packed in the music as in the words? it's one of those, just so beautiful), but I can't find a way to do that right now. I will try though, because it's an incredible song. the other is one that Bret wrote this year, and I love it because it's all about worshipping when you don't feel like it. and not many worship songs deal with this condition (which, frankly, is more frequently my condition than otherwise). I'll put up the lyrics and a link or something to that soon. this post however, has again become ridiculously long, and I am not offended if you didn't make it this far. like I said, I think a lot of this is for me.....but after all, it is my blog, isn't it?
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