i'm sorry....it's another one of those heavy, late-night posts

this is so strange. I've never felt oppression like this before.

with each day, as THE day gets closer and closer, I feel more restless and less at peace. as evidenced by my previous post, things are just a little strange in my feelings and emotions. restlessness, friction...it's definitely different. for the last couple of months it's been hanging around, even growing stronger as my trip gets closer.

all I can conclude is that I must be doing something right, or the spiritual attacks wouldn't be so strong.

I was thinking about it today. last week I woke up to the phone ringing - it was my dear penpal (who's exactly 50 years older than me), calling to let me know that his wife had passed away in the early morning. it wasn't really unexpected by any means, but it's still difficult to handle. she was an incredibly sweet, amazing woman, and they just doted on each other and fulfulled each other so much. needless to say, that wasn't the best start to my day. such a helpless, where-are-you-God feeling.

over the past month, two very close friends of mine have been juggling medications for bi-polar, depression, and crap like that. it's tough to deal with, to be around, and it hurts to see them hurting while it's all being figured out. I love them both so dearly, but there's nothing I can do except stay with them through the tough times, and support them, and pray for them, and let them know that they aren't really crazy....it's just medication. but it still sucks.

some of our very closest friends from our old church are in the middle of an ugly divorce. it's the kind of thing you never expected to happen. it's the first time something like this has happened to someone I'm close to. I don't understand it at all. there's so much bad in the world that's kind of slapping me in the face right now.

this morning I woke up and my back was really sore. for no reason at all. it's been sore all day and it's still sore now. and I've been sneezing all day. I feel like I'm being attacked emotionally and physically.

this past week two of my friends who were dating each other broke up. I have to say that I knew it would happen, and guessed it would happen last week. I've more or less been waiting for it. but I've been talking with the girl a fair bit about all the after-affects, because we're pretty good friends and she trusts me, and it just all sucks. majorly. they had no business getting together, and they both knew it, but did it anyway. and now it's over, and I'm in the very awkward situation of being both their friends still. today at church was...interesting, to say the least.

and through all this, I'm trying to get everything ready to go - every spare minute I have I'm getting ready for India. and it's important, and (don't get me wrong) I love it. but I'm starting to get exhausted. my body is starting to feel the attack, the oppression. yesterday I was so tired at worship practice. I haven't been eating enough so I get weak. and I didn't have fun. it sounds ridiculous, but it was just the thing I had set my hopes on - my last church service for over a month, and I was on worship, and it was supposed to be a blast. but it was just so strange. even though I did really well - didn't even bomb the pretty piano solo parts - something just felt off. prayer made it feel better for a time. it seems to be the only thing that wards off this feeling. running to the Father in desperation, giving up because it's more than clear to me that I can't fight this on my own.

last night we stayed at Frankie's really late talking to our substitute electric guitarist. I mean really late in the sense that we normally leave at 10:00 when they close, and we stayed till 11:00 when they kicked us out, then talked outside for another 15 minutes. it was an amazing conversation. which is strange, because it was about the divorce he and his wife are going through.

but the strangest part is, he's the most joyful person I've ever seen in my life right now. he's not happy about the divorce - it's tearing him to shreds inside. but so many good things are happening in his life right now because he's completely given up all control to God. he's not even trying to give directions anymore - God is driving now. and it's the most amazing thing, to see how much he is encouraging others, how much he is learning about himself and his wife, and how HONEST and OPEN he is to anybody. he's so much more mature. he makes himself available for God to use him any and every second. and all the fear is gone. all the expectations are gone. he's a man with absolutely nothing to hide.

this is radical Christianity. it's what I've been looking for and thinking about for the last three years but not finding. and this guy is only 25. 25 years old, in the middle of a divorce, and so head-over-heels in love with God that he can worship with every breath in his body, encourage others who suppose that they have it all together, and be an incredible example of joy to every Christian around him. something clicked last night. I get it now. this joy thing. I didn't understand it before, even though I tried. I understood happiness, and I knew that joy was different. but I think I saw a glimpse of Paul singing in a prison cell, last night.

anyway, I hate to be such a downer with all the restlessness stuff from further up. I'm just kind of putting everything out right now and not bothering about what it says. it's the truth, how I feel right now. all those illustrations are just things I was thinking on today - things that have affected me deeply recently, and created this feeling within me.

feelings are just terrible things, by the way. but that could be a whole different discussion at another time...

like I said, the only thing that helps is running to the Father. worship. the comfort of the scriptures. David talks so much in the Psalms about restlessness, and finding comfort and consolation in meditating on God's word and the incredible things He has done in the past, even when at times he can't hear God's voice. Jesus said He brings peace to the world, and that when we come to Him, He will give us rest - rest for weary souls.

I have a weary soul. I'm ready for rest.

today has been better. my church prayed over me and two others who are going away soon for missions. to feel their hands on me asking God's protection - to keep constantly reminding myself of the truth in God's Word.....all these things He promises - this is rest. to go to Him-

not go, but to run full bore, tripping and stumbling and getting up again, and not stopping until I collapse in His arms-

this is rest.

to hear words of comfort and know that they are absolutely true. not some made-up "it's going to be alright" even when you know it might not, but really truly comforting words that bring rest to a restless soul, and joy where the heart has been dry for years - this is rest.

pray for me. I know each day will only get harder. I'm in a dark place, going to a darker place, and only by running to God every second can I get through it. it's not a one-time thing, and that's the struggle. every second is a battle. I have to keep His truth before me all the time so I don't forget it and start sinking again. it's like Peter walking on water. as soon as I take my eyes away and start to lose faith, and look at how big the waves are rather than how big my God is, then I start sinking.

but I have so much hope right now. I am so excited for next week. I am so comforted by the truth. I know that all will be well. I know it deep in my heart, in my soul. I am convinced of it. and nothing is more effective in banishing the Devil than a child of God absolutely convinced that her Father is holding, protecting, sheltering, and comforting her wherever she is. Satan doesn't have any business being near me, because I am God's. restlessness can drive me crazy or it can drive me to my Father and my Savior. and I get to choose which it is.

and when I choose my Father, then Satan cannot touch me.

and that's a comforting thought.