it was only a moment ago

I AM SO DEPRESSED.
drat it.
nobody is on chat. not facebook or gmail. I am super-tired and i need to unpack. but the only thing I seem to be able to do is look at pics from last week on facebook, and cry. and laugh, and cry some more.
and wish my sunburn wasn't peeling.
and watch the Wizard of Oz.

and try to make my parents understand. but they don't. and things keep coming to my memory when I see something that somehow reminds me of camp. but it only makes sense to me.

this is what it felt like when I had to leave my India team at the Portland airport when we got home. so many hugs, so many tears, and so little sleep because of so many memories.








excuse this highly depressing post. something with all the fun times and funny quotes will be along soon. but right now, I'm still down in the hole. it wasn't like this the first two years. as I've grown closer to all of you, it's been a million times harder to say goodbye. it's like you're being ripped away from something. especially when you know you won't see them again for at least a whole year. at that point, blogs and chat just don't cut it anymore. but there's nothing you can do about it.
and the years are running out. we won't be teenagers forever.

I was watching the end of the Wizard of Oz today. it was the part where Dorkey has to say goodbye to the Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man. I just about started crying while they were all crying, because that's exactly how I feel. it's like, getting through the day is just some habit I have to get back into. but it really isn't at all enjoyable without every single one of you there. no matter how hot it is outside.











this morning we went to church and I had to say goodbye to a very dear friend. she leaves for Romania in the morning, and then I leave for India before she comes back. before I come home from India, she leaves again, for college in MN. I won't see her again till Christmas.
she came to church just to say goodbye, even though she didn't really have time. I slipped out halfway through the sermon and we talked for most of the rest of church, out in the foyer.
we just didn't know how to say goodbye. and there have been far too many goodbyes between yesterday and this morning.

then we spent the day as a family. saw the Taming of the Shrew at Shakespeare in the Park, in Bonney Lake. it was really good, but really hot to be outside for two hours.
then we went to Lake Meridian with Cillian and he swam for a long time.
and then we went on a walk. and I felt like I was sleepwalking for most of it because I was so dead tired.
so we came home.
and here I am, wide awake, luggage strewn haphazardly about the floor, waiting to be unpacked. tomorrow I start hard-core preparing for India. I'm trying to tell myself not to stress but I am really stressed.
I should just go to bed. it's too late to get anything productive done that might make me feel better inside. it's just a big gash that will take time to heal.

this aftermath of camp is almost lower than the high was during camp. :(