*sigh*

DISCLAIMER: after writing this post, I have realized that it's ridiculous and probably quite confusing. this is me at 3:00 in the morning. read at your own discretion. I won't be offended if you think I'm crazy by the end....just keep in mind that it's me at 3:00 in the morning. and that should be apology enough.

I'm sitting here. eating an Almond Joy I bought on the commute to camp. at 3:00 AM.

I've been "so busy" (and I know you've all heard it) this whole week. I've made enough time to practice - just barely - seeing as I'm on worship this weekend and my teacher is overjoyed that I'm finally home for more than two days at a time. I've come to the realization that I'm playing two of the most amazing songs ever written for my recital next May. Rhapsody in Blue, and Chattanooga Choo Choo. I'm really excited that I'm finally branching out into a different style!! and the songs make me soooooo happy. they keep my thoughts and emotions busy, when I play.

which is important right now. because when I'm not trying to finish my TEFL course, or working on my lesson plans for India, or trying desperately to get a grasp on Hindi tenses, or packing, then I'm remembering the big gap in my heart and trying not to think about it or I'll start working up tears. and that's the last thing I need now, now that my parents think I'm over the Whatever-it-is that Jacob was talking about. (by the way, is this something that we get over? it seems to be a lasting sort of disease.)

I'm getting plenty of sleep. I "practiced" with a sleeping pill a few nights ago, for the plane ride to India (did I already talk about that? can't remember....I'm losing it). I'm getting a good 8-9 hours on normal nights. nevertheless, I am restless once again.

oh, I guess you probably didn't know I used to be restless, did you?

I think it's a combination of many things. but there was a time, several months ago, when no matter what was going on something was always missing. and I was just - restless.

and now it's back. I've been dreaming about the same person almost every night this week. and they're just random, nothing-happens kind of dreams. but I'll see this person in a couple of days and I'm both nervous and excited about it so that's probably why. it's a very subconcious kind of thing.

I realized today how incredibly much I miss my worship team. I'm on worship this weekend, but I'm substituting on another team. and so are three other people....it's kind of a mish mash of musicians. so it'll be interesting. I've had zero creativity this week so that's making it worse.

but anyway, back to the point (if I have one).

I've said to some of you before - my worship team is like having a bunch of doting uncles. there's Roger, our leader, who is just Uncle Roger because that's the way it is. he's amazing and means the world to me, because I know I matter to him. and not many people have a person like that in their lives.

and then there's Phil, who plays bass. he's going to start performing as Uncle Phil soon. he's just fun....laid back but fun. he kind of fills the empty spaces, but when he's not there it's like this big gaping hole.

Derrik is our drummer - another laid back kind of guy who is easy to talk to and can relate to just about anything. it sounds superficial, but it isn't. it's hard to explain. he's such an uncle kind of person, once you get to know him.

Chad is our newest addition. he's too young to be an uncle (he's just 20-something), but I get to tease him because he's newer than I am. so we have fun with it.

and lastly there's Bret. Bret is amazing, and I think half of my restlessness is because of him. I get this way when he's not around. I don't know why. it just happens.

this post is getting choppy.

Bret is.....hard to describe. he's enigmatical. he's a May person, if that helps. stubborn as heck, very moody, emotional. he's a lot like my dad in some ways. in other ways, he's so different. he has some issues, some battles, that are old and go deep. but he's so humble and so mature.

and he knows every band that was ever in creation, who the members were, every album they ever made and every song they ever put on it. and pretty much every simile he uses has a musician in it somewhere, no matter what he's talking about.

(though that's usually music as well).

that's it - Bret's a musician. and as a rule they are just enigmatical and impossible to describe. and oh so endearing at the same time. stupid charisma.

it's strange. he's not the kind of person I would normally like. not the kind I should like (as if there are rules to this kind of thig). he's.....rough around the edges. he smokes. he occasionally swears. and after Saturday night service he has a beer with his pizza instead of a Coke. scandalous, I know. normally that would turn me off so much.

and yet I find myself standing next to him outside while he has a cigarette, just so we can hang out and talk. or not talk.....just stand there and be together.

I know. it doesn't make any sense. but he's too sweet not to love.

I think it's because he noticed me first, and now I'm used to him. so when he's not around (he's been gone a ton lately, and so have I) I get jumpy. restless. he friended me on facebook when I had like five friends. and he taught me about stage presence, and encouraged me by telling me I was amazing even when I sucked at keyboarding back at the beginning. and always offering to buy me food (and making sure I got some of his) even when I insisted I wasn't hungry. and really wasn't.

and in short, I guess he just cared. like Roger. I think some people go through so much of life without anyone like that. somebody who will listen to you talk about the most pointless things and actually care about it. and then you're left there wondering why the heck they bothered.

*sigh*

so here I am. restless. so much to do and so little motivation. I just want to bleed some more emotions onto my piano, but at 3:00 in the morning that doesn't work so well. in 12 hours I'll be at the church. I need to sleep between now and then. but I don't want to.

it's no good trying to be tired when you're restless and empty.

I miss you guys like crazy. I miss too many people right now. and here I go, leaving the country for a month. am I excited? yes and no. I know good things will happen on the trip. but it's so hard to leave. and I know it's going to be a tough trip. good, but probably not fun. and I want to stay so badly right now. there's too much happening, I feel like I'm missing so much. and there's another month to miss people. and the months seem to be slipping away too quickly.

I guess what I want is to just have another weekend with my normal team. we'd have a ton of fun, make non-noticeable mistakes (as Bret taught me, if you make a mistake - play it twice and call it jazz), and hang out a Frankie's over pizza and Coke until they close. stay out too late, get up too early, do the services, and be closer to each other than we were last time. and each time it's harder to leave once the stage is cleaned up. I never thought it would be like this.

Roger told me I would have fun. I didn't really believe him. I thought - everyone on this team is about thirty years older than me. what fun is that?

but now, here I am, restless as heck and missing my team and the times we had. and praying so hard that we'll have them again, when I get back. that things will go back to normal. that I'll have time to breathe and stop being stressed and restless.

so I pray.