Welsh Rabbit

Before you let the title fool you, let me explain. Welsh Rabbit is not rabbit at all (although someday I really want to try rabbit - stewed or broiled or something with lots of herbs). But this delectable treat does have some pretty fascinating history.

You may have heard of it as Welsh Rarebit; it is important to understand that the word "rarebit" came after the dish had already been called "rabbit" for a long time. Snobby people didn't like the fact that it wasn't actually rabbit so they decided to give it a more sophisticated name. Even though it wasn't originally a sophisticated dish at all. But I digress.

The more common story is that in England, the poor man's meat was rabbit (beef, etc. from the butcher was too expensive). But in Wales, where people were seriously broke, the poor man's meat was cheese - hence the cheese dish with the carnivorous name. The other popular tale is that Welsh peasants were not allowed to eat rabbits from land belonging to the nobility (which was pretty much all of it), and so they made do with cheese and now we have Welsh "rabbit."

Or there is the English-biased reading that the Welsh are such terrible hunters, they cannot even catch rabbits and have to eat cheese instead.

Take your pick of legend, but it's fairly indisputable that the dish itself is marvelous. It's not that hard to make, and is much like a cheddar cheese fondue served over toast. Try it with tomato soup and you have the ultimate comfort food right here.

The beginnings.....butter and flour and milk, with Worcestershire and salt and pepper. You don't get much more English than that!

Me and my one true love: Worcestershire sauce. If I'm ever on my own and stocking my pantry for the first time, this will absolutely be the first thing I get. Followed closely by rock salt and turbinado sugar. Oh yes, and I got a haircut.....this is a bad picture of it though. :/

I believe the original recipes call for beer, but Betty Crocker told me white wine would do as well. And actually they're both optional, but they bring out terrific flavor so as long as you cook it out long enough you get cheesy depth without alcohol.

Almost there.....................

Tada! Welsh Rabbit. Next time with tomato soup. :)

Let the cooking commence!

Last night my dad and I made dinner, and a marvelous dinner it was. A friend had given us four smallish trout, and I had the radical idea to make a grapefruit sauce to go with them. I'd seen recipes that incorporated grapefruit and crab, and thought it could just as well spread to the rest of seafood. I hopped online and found a recipe for grapefruit sauce that was meant to go with halibut, and while my dad was seasoning the fish, I made it.

I really wanted couscous with the fish, but my dad decided he didn't really like couscous because it's too dry. I think it's just the way my mom makes it, personally. So I decided to make sauteed mushrooms in some kind of cream sauce, because we had all these mushrooms that needed to get used, and then we could have that over the couscous. Butter, onion, garlic, Worcestershire sauce, and sauteed mushrooms; add cream and parsley and white wine. absolutely heavenly!

The only problem was that the grapefruit sauce didn't turn out. It tasted good, and added a nice sweet/citrus flavor to the fish (kind of like lemon with salmon, but sweeter and more tropical), but it wasn't thick at all and I had to strain the pulp out to get the seeds out. So it was really like sweet grapefruit juice. But we still have two of the fish so I'm going to experiment with cornstarch and heat and see if I can't make something of it yet. :)

To quote Winnie the Pooh - "It's Autumn!!!!!!!"

hello. this is me pretending to do homework.

school is ok so far. my teachers are good and playing the accompaniment for choir is a ton of fun! since all my other classes are science and a mix of online and in-class, every day is different (sometimes lecture, sometimes lab, sometimes home super early) and since I love variety this is a very good thing.
however, since all my other classes are science, I am extremely busy with homework. but it's mostly reading and studying, which for me is less time-consuming than lots of writing. though not as much fun. but less time-consuming is more important right now, because I'm working a lot.
I have the same teacher for botany and biology. I keep getting assignments and due dates between the two classes mixed up. my teacher is Indian and she's pretty cool. I also have a friend in my bio class from my Shakespeare class last year, a really sweet Christian girl. unfortunately we have different lab days, but we sit together during lecture.

right now I ought to be working on geography. I have to do an assignment on what plagiarism is and why it's evil. boooorrrring. and then I have to study all the stuff I didn't quite grasp from the chapter (which is most of it....40-page super-boring introductory chapter - what the heck?), and then I have to write stuff about Auburn and give geographical terms for it, and then I have to do a quiz. which thankfully got bumped to being due Sunday instead of tonight because it wasn't working online.
so now I am procrastinating even more.

Autumn is here and I am so freaking excited!!!!!!! a mixture of the change in the weather and pms has me thinking about fall food nonstop. like, everything with pumpkin. or bakes apples with cinnamon and nutmeg. little mini pumpkins used as serving dishes for hot cinnamon applesauce. gingerbread waffles (whoever came up with this has my undying devotion). pumpkin tomato basil soup. something that incorporates cranberries and smoked gouda cheese. artichokes with pomegranate hollandaise sauce. this list is nearly endless. I will probably be baking in my every spare minute (as in, after I finish homework. if I ever finish homework) and then I will take pictures and post recipes and fabulous things like that.

tonight my dad and I are on our own for dinner. we have some trout that he's going to bake in foil, and we're either going to do sauteed mushrooms or a grapefruit sauce over the top, with couscous on the side. I am very excited. :)

one last thing, and then I'll really do schoolwork. really. this morning I tried a new recipe for Nutella hot chocolate (yes, really!). And it's super easy, so you should all rush out and buy Nutella if you don't have any at home (and shame on you if you don't already have a supply of it), and then make this:

1 cup milk
3 T Nutella
1 t cocoa powder

Put the milk and Nutella in a saucepan and whisk together while heating slowly (it won't mix at first but as the Nutella melts and becomes more liquidy it will incorporate nicely; just keep whisking gently). Add the cocoa powder and heat until steaming hot.
It's thick and hazelnutty and absolutely fabulous. Not to mention fast and easy. I want to try it again with some cinnamon (just a touch) and get some whipped cream too. :) Happiness you can drink!

pardon for sin, a peace that endures, Your presence, strength for today, hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine - great is Thy faithfulness indeed!

yes, yes, it's ANOTHER post. :) first off, if you didn't see my last post, go back and listen to the two songs I put in. the other older posts you can ignore if you want to, but the songs are important.

I've been reading a ton lately, and I just wanted to put up some of the wisdom I gleaned from Brave New Family, which is a collection of essays, articles, and excerpts from all of G.K. Chesterton's work. (as an aside, excerpt is a very funny word.) anywho, this book has been rather incredible for me, in conjunction with the other stuff I've been reading, the conversations I've been having with God, and some of the "stuff" that's been going on in my family lately.

basically, today was absolutely hell until about 7:00, and then it got a lot better (we went to church this evening instead of tomorrow morning, and it was a really incredible service). like I said, no details on the family stuff at this point (simply because it involves people other than myself, and also, frankly, the details just aren't important). but a lot of issues have been surfacing that just need to be dealt with, and that is hard to do. especially with someone extra in your house who didn't grow up there, and hasn't had a good family situation ever before. so things are complicated. life goes on. my friends are like family, and my church is like family, and my family is working on being more like family too. and God is.......incredible.

actually, though this may sound crazy, I'm glad all this painful stuff has been happening. I mean, aside from the fact that it will make my family stronger and healthier (which I can already see is in the process of happening....sort of a refining process), I have been forced to discover and experience and rely on God in a way that's never happened before. and I have more peace about my life than I have ever had before. the more I have to trust, the more I learn what a beautiful and good thing it is. the things my head has known to be true for a long time, my heart is learning to know and trust as well. Donald Miller says that you only truly believe the things that you show with your actions. like, if you treat everyone else like garbage and only care about yourself, you only truly believe that you exist. obviously, physically and scientifically, the other people exist, but in regards to how you treat them and who you care about, you only believe in yourself. so my head has believed in things about God for a long time, but my heart hasn't learned (or been forced) to believe them until now, if that makes any sense. things like God is good, all the time. and God is faithful, even when life is tough.

I think one of the biggest things I have been learning (apart from the incredible love of God that surrounds me and the peace of God that fills me up when I'm empty and afraid) is this one truth that I never realized at all before this year: life doesn't owe me anything. and neither does God. I mean, it sounds like it makes sense, but to actually believe it and let it influence your attitude and actions - that is a lot harder. but it's true, and once you realize that there are no guarantees of comfort or happiness in life, it makes it slightly easier to rejoice in the middle of pain. note that I said slightly. :P

but enough of me, on to Chesterton! I won't go into vast detail on all of these, and there aren't a ton of them, but there are a few things that I thought the world should know. (so I'm posting them on my blog, which like three people read. go me. :P)

"Many a man has been lucky in marrying the woman he loves. But he is luckier in loving the woman he marries." Just sit with that thought for a moment. sometime in the future I'm going to post about marriage and love. and my very interesting, ever-changing views on the subject.

"The first fact about the celebration of a birthday is that it is a way of affirming defiantly, and even flamboyantly, that it is a good thing to be alive [this in itself gives me such a thrill! because I love birthdays - other peoples' as much as my own even]....But there is a second fact about Birthdays, and the birth-song of all creation, a fact which really follows on this; but which, as it seems to me, the other school of thought almost refuses to recognise. The point of that fact is simply that it is a fact. In being glad about my Birthday, I am being glad about something which I did not myself bring about. In being grateful for my birth, I am grateful for something which has already happened." He goes on to talk about the fact that a birthday is something you receive, something over which you have no control, you do not choose or create for yourself. "And I say it is a narrow view of life, which leaves out the whole of that aspect of life; all receptivity, all gratitude, all inheritance, all worship." I never thought of celebrating one's birthday as worship. Interesting thought. but I guess when you think of all of life as a worship service - your responses to everything as worship or not worship, grateful or not grateful - then it does fit, and it's a beautiful thought.

There isn't a specific quote for this idea, but Chesterton basically says that while men roam the world seeking adventure and opportunities to be courageous, they either neglect or are running away from the biggest adventure of all: being a part of their own family. The family is basically the most complex thing God created. It is also one of the most beautiful and worthwhile things you can work at. It is messy and it is hard, but no one can say it is dull, boring, or unadventurous.

Then there's a stanza from a poem about Christmas. With how insane some parts of my life have been lately, it gives me some comfort:

"The world is a wild as an old wives' tale,
And strange the plain things are,
The earth is enough and the air is enough
For our wonder and our war;
But our rest is as far as the fire-drake swings [a fire-drake is a dragon, btw. think Smaug.]
And our peace is put in impossible things
Where clashed and thundered unthinkable wings
Round an incredible star."

And lastly is a humorous quote - for in Chesterton there are plenty of these. I love that he keeps me thinking serious thoughts and laughing at the ridiculousness of life at the same time. This one is about golf:
"I have no disrespect for the game of golf; it is an admirable game. I have played it; or rather, I have played at it, which is generally regarded as the very opposite." :D

And that's it for now. I have a lot more on my mind, but it's not ready to come out yet. I just want to say, God is good, all the time. that, and I love you guys very much.

please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to you, Jesus

That song I was talking about in my last post? I found the original version, and here it is. It's called The More I Seek You, and it's an incredible song - you should listen to it. Because I am not very internet savvy, I can only give you the link, but do yourself a favor and watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI_1YliutzA



And also, here is a link to the song my friend Bret wrote a couple of months ago, Ocean. It's the one about worshipping when you really don't feel like it. This is an early recording of it that he put on his blog so the rest of the worship team could hear it, so most of it's computerized and it's still definitely a work in progress, but it's the lyrics that are really incredible.

http://grunzleworks.com/GrunzleWorks/Blog/Entries/2010/5/19_Ocean.html



And.........that's about it. Short post for once - world, take note!

this love is so deep/it's more than I can stand/I melt in Your peace/it's overwhelming

hello again. I surprise myself at how much I feel the need to post lately, but I have so much on my mind, and 1) it does me good to write about it, because it helps me process and grow; and 2) I hope maybe it will help someone reading this.....I think God has some purpose in this posting frenzy so I'm going with my gut and writing when I feel like it. plus it's my blog so even if no one is reading, I still don't see any reason not to post.



but I'll warn you that this one is ridiculously long as well. anyway, here goes.....



I am learning to have joy despite circumstances. the wonderful thing about this is that joy and depression don't coexist....which means my depression is becoming more rare each day. I am also learning to worship despite circumstances, and this is wonderful because worship and worry cannot coexist either....so my anxiety is also going down. and no, I didn't just magically do this by myself, nor am I terribly good at it yet. but I'm getting to actually know God for what feels like the first time, and it's an amazing thing.



I've said before (and still I'm not going to go into details much), my home life is a little interesting right now - there is just some interesting family stuff, mostly having to do with my parents' marriage (because marriage is just plain complicated), and with having an extra person in our house who didn't grow up here - a transplant, if you will. but things are messy and tough, and on top of this a lot of other people who are very dear to me are having terrible life circumstances for no apparent reason - if it's not one thing, it's another (and then another, and then something else on top of that, for good measure). it's very painful, and like most people, I have found myself wandering around saying, "Why, God? Why?"



but I've learned that often there aren't reasons. I mean, yes we do usually have to pay for our stupid actions, but often crap just happens and it's not because of some crime we committed or weak faith or anything. I am learning, slowly and painfully, that life doesn't own me anything. I am not entitled to anything, no matter what standard of living I grew up with. life is messy, and sticky, and sometimes really sucky too. life is tough, but God is faithful. life is tough, but God is good - all the time.



and God is worthy of worship, worthy of giving our lives to, not because of what He does for us, but simply because of who He is and how He loves us (SIDE NOTE - if you don't know the song How He Loves Us, go to youtube right this instant and listen to any version of it other than the Kim Walker one). even though I've grown up in one of the best families I could imagine, I still sense the vast difference between the conditional love my parents give and the eternal, unconditional love of God. so even though the last month has been hell in some ways, it has been one of the best months of my life. I feel that I never knew God before now......sometimes I have brushed up against Him, and a few times I have talked to Him with complete honesty, and always I have believed in Him, but like Job said, "I had heard of You before, but now my eyes have seen You." I feel like I grew up thinking I knew God well because I knew about Him so much, the same way we can feel like we know a person we have heard so much about and seen from a distance. But just like that, sometimes you meet the person face to face and are blown away by who they really are. I have known God a little for a long time, but I am learning that the more you open yourself and the deep hidden parts of your heart to God, the more fully you get to experience Him too. I think this applies to all of life - the more you make yourself available, the more you experience others, and especially God, as well.



I am learning about prayer. these days I don't tell someone I'm going to pray for them unless I actually am going to do it honestly. what I mean by that is that I refuse to pray checklist-style anymore, because it's insincere and I think insulting to God. it's like telling your husband you want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and instead sending him a text thanking him for fixing the sink and reminding him that you are out of milk. so nowadays my prayers are a lot more disorganized and confused - but they are real conversations. and they usually lead to me writing down something, because so far that seems to be how I hear answers from God, when I do hear answers. and as another side note, I think it's good to get angry at God sometimes, it's healthy to have doubts and questions - AS LONG AS you keep the communication open with Him. human relationships are like this too. It's ok to have an argument with your spouse or a friend as long as you remain honest and loving and keep working through it.



I just finished this book that I started last night (yes, it was that good) called Life is Tough but God is Faithful. I saw it on our bookshelf, and since that phrase "God is good all the time" has kind of been my motto lately, and life has also been very tough lately, I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm a little annoyed with Christian books right now (at least, the generic ones like How to Pray or Your Quiet Time with God or [seriously?] The Biblical Blueprint for an Ideal Marriage. I don't much like the idea of basing my relationship with the creator of heaven and earth off of someone else's experiences. but I digress). Anyhow, the book was written by Sheila Walsh, and I highly recommend it if you're in a tough spot right now and need the encouragment. Plus the author is Scottish, so that adds several awesome points. =) if you don't need it now, keep it on the back burner, because life IS tough and disaster will strike one of these days.



I wanted to share a few things from the book that jumped out and hit me in the face, because my thought is that probably most of you aren't going to rush out and read the book (or, hopefully, don't need to right now), but might still glean some helpful things from it. plus, I'm still processing. aren't you lucky, my faithful readers? anyway, a few excerpts:







"I believe that when we base our faith on apparent answered prayer, getting the solutions to our problems right now, we're in real trouble. If we mistake God's silence for indifference, we are the most miserable of people. If we give up when we no longer understand, we reject His caring, steadfast love and cut ourselves off from our only real hope."



On the goodness (rather than the assumed weak faith) of having doubts and questions.......

"Questions force an honesty that requires us to live with our lives unresolved." Frankly, that scares me to death, but knowing that I can trust the one I'm questioning even if I don't get the answers right away is comforting and kind of exciting. life may not be organized or remotely under control, but it's honest. my friend Bret has been a fantastic model of this for me over the past year, and I can see that it's worth it. even though his life is often filled with pain and rarely in focus, he has this sweet fellowship with God that I envy and a raw honesty with other people that ensures true friends - and how on earth you get through this life without true friends I can't fathom. Bret is the one always telling me that God is good, all the time, and finally I am starting to believe him. living life unresolves is scary but the only good way to do it.



(And the reason I'm talking about Bret all the time right now is because I'm learning so much from him right now.)



On the author's dad as a 'practical Christian'.......

"He didn't just pray, he was prepared to be the answer to his own prayers." In learning how to pray and actually talk to God and not at Him or about Him, I think it's crucial to remember that He may ask us to be the solution. prayer is easy if you are not willing to sacrifice, but it means nothing.

I've talked a little about Gary, the percussionist from my worship team who has terminal cancer and probably only weeks left to live. I've been praying for Gary....we all have (and not checklist praying but more like "God, I don't understand this at all, I don't like this - we are asking You for a miracle if You are willing, but in the end Your will be done" kind of praying), but the last couple of days I've felt it laid on my heart to try and visit him. I was mourning that (unless God does a miracle and heals him), I'd never get to know Gary. He only played with us 3 or 4 times and is the quiet, laid-back sort of guy it takes time to get to know. but suddenly this voice in my head was like, "Gary is sick, he isn't dead. you can still get to know him if you have some guts."

so, the thought of going to visit someone who is weak and who is dying, who I barely know and probably have very little in common with, is terrifying. but I care about him and I don't want to live in fear. a life of fear only holds you captive and blesses no one. anyhow, please pray for me because the imagined awkwardness of the thing still makes me afraid and nervous, but I know it's what I need to do.


"The Greek word for salvation means 'to save, to heal, to make complete.'" Crazy awesome, because I've only ever thought of it as saving....you know, 'Jesus died to save us from our sins' sort of thing. But He also came so that we could live in Him, not just go to Heaven instead of Hell. He came to heal the brokenhearted, to give us the ability to live victoriously in His love, to make us complete people. I think that's so amazing. life's circumstances can suck big-time, but we can still be complete and thrive because we know God.



"It would be so much easier if life were like a game of riddles in which God gives us hints about the right questions to ask. Then we could solve our problems and move on. But life is not a game. It's really a worship service, and each of us is a living sacrifice." She also talked about how being a 'living sacrifice' means we have the choice to crawl away when things get hot and uncomfortable, or to stay on the alter and glorify God in the midst of our circumstances. and our worship as living sacrifices - people with the choice to love God or not to love Him - is like sweet incense to God. Life as a worship service....what a beautiful, challenging thought.



"If we believe in God only for the blessing He can give us, our belief in Him is not based on love and trust but on our own selfish desires and our own concept of what we think God owes us." Yikes. have I really spent 18 years thinking the God of the universe owes me something? that I can effect His love.....or manipulate His blessings? trying to place Him under some kind of contract that 'if You do this I'll serve You; I'll love You if you keep on doing that.' what a sickening thought. the author also talked about how the only valid reason for serving God is because He is worth it - because His love for us makes Him worthy of our praise and our trust. I was just thinking, it is probably impossible to live a life of trust in God when you are only in it for the blessings and not actually willing to stay on the alter when He asks something of you. because trust means living blindfolded and walking forward without knowing what the ground looks like. but God is worth it, and I believe He also blesses those who walk by faith. not to mention, living a life of religion really sucks - all you end up doing is beating yourself up. so when circumstances are bad and you're not seeing God's blessings, the religious Christian life is probably the worst of all.



"Your security has been all wrapped up in thinking of yourself as....[who you are as a person, your accomplishments, what you have done to serve God]. But that's not why I love you. I don't need you to do things for me. I just really love you."
I just really love you. I always forget that God doesn't actually need us. That no matter what we do for Him, He won't love us less or more. and I know that in my head, but I always think that 'growing in my relationship with God' means I feel His love more. which may be true, but it doesn't mean that He actually loves me more. His love is infinite and overwhelming and no matter how much or little I do, He just really loves me. Elsewhere in the book it says "Christian service is a poor substitute for Jesus Himself." why do we run ourselves ragged doing things for Jesus, all the while, running right past His wide open arms? "see God, see how worthy I am of your love? so how much I'm doing for you? aren't you proud of me? hmmm, I wonder why I'm feeling so exhausted and unfulfilled?"



A little extension of my musings on grace....."The Hebrew word for grace means "to bend, or stoop." Love that goes upward is worship, love that goes outward is affection, love that stoops is grace."



and lastly......"Our hope in Christ enables us to come to God with open hands into which He can place what He wants and out of which He can take what should not be there." I guess I'm such a control freak when it comes to my life and what happens in it that this really hit me hard. If I'm not willing to let God have control of my present and my future, and do what He asks of me without struggle, then I am actually saying that I trust myself more than I trust God. which experience has shown me to be a rather stupid choice.



and something I was writing as I mused on all of this: "I think we have so much trouble trusting God - we allow ourselves to experience His love so little - not because we do not want or need His love, but because we are so afraid of losing it. The sensation of being loved, of true friendship and trust and devotion, is one of the most exhilarating things in the world when it hits your heart. I remember when I first knew for sure that someone I truly loved felt the same way about me.....truly loved me for some absurd and unknown reason. It's a crazy feeling. But losing something as beautiful as human love is shattering, and one of the most painful sensations. So we close off our ability to either give or receive love, and with it our ability to trust God and experience even a fraction of His love for us. and I can only imagine how it must hurt Him - in all His crazy, intense, unfathomable love - to see His precious children padlock their hearts like that, when His love is so honestly our only hope.



there are a couple of songs that we've done at my church - one is about the craziness of God's love, and I desperately want to put it up here so you can hear it (you know how some songs have as much meaning packed in the music as in the words? it's one of those, just so beautiful), but I can't find a way to do that right now. I will try though, because it's an incredible song. the other is one that Bret wrote this year, and I love it because it's all about worshipping when you don't feel like it. and not many worship songs deal with this condition (which, frankly, is more frequently my condition than otherwise). I'll put up the lyrics and a link or something to that soon. this post however, has again become ridiculously long, and I am not offended if you didn't make it this far. like I said, I think a lot of this is for me.....but after all, it is my blog, isn't it?

G.K. Chesterton wrote the absolute sweetest love letters to his wife I have ever seen outside of an Austen novel, and soon I am going to post one.

for some reason, I'm in a writing/posting mood lately. I think it's because I've been so emotional lately, and have been journaling so much. the more I write, the more I want to write more.....if that makes sense. so, this post won't be so existential and crazy emotional, I promise. maybe I'll actually write a little bit about what I've been doing, how weird would that be?

but to clear up a little more from the last posts (though they are still valid and not ancient history yet), I am doing much better. still depressed sometimes, still anxious a bit, and still very unhappy about some circumstances in life, but overall my soul - the innermost person of me - is doing much better. I am so excited because I can't believe how much closer God and I have grown over the past month! I think one of the most important things I have been learning (apart from worshipping all the time) is that when someone asks me how I'm doing, my answer should not depend solely on my circumstances. if I'm having a good or a bad day should not be determined by how much sleep I got or if I have to go to work (God forbid I should be grateful for my job!) or if my body is exhausted or healthy. I should be able to tell someone that life sucks but I'm still doing great. circumstances aren't what my humanity wants them to be, but God is good, all the time, and that is enough for me to have hope and joy and still be good.

so yes. life is a wonderful thing, despite its suckiness.

as to what I've been up to lately......mostly work, which is actually marvelous (lol I just got paid). I absolutely positively love my job at Menchie's - it is so perfect for me, and the people I work with are incredible too; it's almost like a bonus getting paychecks and free fro-yo. like, I feel so lucky just to work there. I've never felt like this about a job before, and I'm hoping it doesn't change. I mean, I love teaching piano and I'm excited that all my students are coming back this week because it's fall, but even about piano I am not usually really excited. I enjoy it, but it's just a different kind of thing. most days, even when I don't want to leave home and go to work, as soon as I get there I feel energized and the time flies by, and I love interacting with people and keeping everything just as it should be within the little Menchie's universe. I don't know why I get such a kick out of it, but I do and for that I am so grateful.

I may have said this already but I'm getting transferred from the southcenter Bath and Body Works to the supermall one. I haven't worked there in a couple of weeks because my managers don't seem to know who still has a claim to me and where to schedule me....but I'm fine with this. as I was telling Bret this weekend, I'm not sure it's the right job for me. I like the customer focuse, but not so much the product, retail-centeredness about it, or the agressive sales focus. maybe it's just a weird feeling I'm getting, but I have this vibe that maybe I won't be there much longer after I finally start working the sales floor. this could change too though - wait and see, I guess. right now I'm enjoying the occasional inventory shifts and all the free products!

school starts in two weeks, and the closer it gets the less ready I feel. especially considering that I work two schoolnights a week until at least one in the morning........ugh. but mostly it is this fragile contentment and balance I'm learning to get right now, and I know in two weeks I will feel like it's all been shattered, and it will be hard to talk to God again, and on top of that my eating and exercising habits will get worse and my self-esteem will go down again, which is the last thing I need right now. inside I am excited (like, nerdy-excited) to learn about botany and biology and possibly even some of the interesting aspects of geography; I am so psyched to play a Steinway every morning in choir, and to see old friends and feel like a college student again. but also inside is this fear of stress and forgetting about God, and this feeling that I have moved past my running start days and need to leave even Green River behind me now - that I am ready to go somewhere else and finish my growing up. but, at the same time I believe two more quarters is right right now, and God probably has plans I can't fathom yet. it's just such a struggle to keep myself from putting so much on my plate that I can't breathe anymore. but I suppose recognizing it is the first step.
AND, my word I can't even tell you how freeing it is not to have to practice piano two hours a day anymore. like, I have so much more time (which I have promptly filled up with work, of course) and my back doesn't hurt, and my anxiety is less than it used to be. I play so much less, which sometimes makes me sad, but getting back to normal with worship team stuff is really exciting, and playing just for fun is incredible, and soon I'll be practicing a bit for choir which is another really fun, energizing kind of thing. and also, we may do some TSO for Christmas with my worship team this year, which is something to give me a smile! so all in all, I'm working at balance and not drowning in piano is helping. I've realized that, while I love piano, I'm not that much of a musician. like, my piano isn't magnetic for me.....I play things I love to play, but I don't just sit down for hours and play anything and everything because it's there. but, even though this was a shock to realize over the summer, I'm adjusting to the idea and it's really kind of freeing for me - like I left a path I had explored a little too far and now I get to go somewhere new, or further down a different path.

I am getting my hair cut, on the first day of school. I am getting it cut SHORT (hallelujah!) and messy and layered and uneven. I have never had the guts to do this before, but I'm very, very excited to do it now. somehow the seasons changing always make me want to change something in my life. I cleaned out my closet today and reorganized it a bit, and got rid of some stuff I should have gotten rid of last time I cleaned out my closet. I think maybe the rain has a purging effect on me, in addition to making me want to curl up with my down blanket and chai and Chesterton forever.

next weekend is Father/Daughter camp for me and my dad.....back in June it felt lightyears away, but now I cannot believe it is coming so fast. I'm really looking forward to some time away with just the two of us - he has been working a ton lately and our family time is suffering a bit. Father/Daughter camp is this weird time where I feel like I am always the same person, and life is so simple, and even though I see how much I have grown, and often there are big changes to cope with (girls I knew getting married, having kids, people moving on, etc.), there is some core anchor that never changes - something God-ordained. it is a time of refreshing - it is challenging and healing and reassuring at the same time. even though circumstances change there (and not unfrequently), it is always, and will always be, me and my dad - and God. the 6-year-old girl that started going there so many years ago with her superhero daddy is always there, infused in the very wood of the cabin bunks, always watching the sunset over pastures and Puget Sound, and she is always there to greet me and remind me who I really am, and how good God is and that my daddy is still a superhero, kryptonite notwithstanding.

and this may be my last year at father/daughter camp - or at least my last for awhile. next year I will be in Europe or at school for both dates (there is a camp in June and one in September), and it is the first time in 13 years we will miss), and only God knows what happens after that. my dad and I agreed a couple of years ago that we would keep coming as long as I was home during camp, no matter how old - there is no age limit. but thinking about not going back in a year's time is a lot like thinking about leaving everything I know for Europe in April. makes me want to cry, even though I see what a good, necessary thing it is. my 6-year-old may always be a part of me, but I can't rely on a time or a place forever to remind me of what's at my core.....somehow I have to go into the world to discover that for myself, I cannot keep staying at home and expecting to find something new and let that make me an adult. in other words, it's not a passive thing that just happens to you. it's active and it's hard, but it's good.

as a completely random side-note and not such a happymaking one, my blood sugar has been freaking out for the last couple of weeks now. like, every single day I get all shaky at some point. and my eating habits haven't changed (haha, they are just as rotten as ever). so......that's kind of weird and I'm not sure what to do. I really don't want to go to the doctor about it; I think when it happens while I'm with my grandmother (who is diabetic) I'll check my blood sugar and see if I'm high or low or what's going on. blah.....life rushes on.

alright. I have managed to keep somewhat out of crazy big thoughts in this post and give you a nice, simple, ridiculously long update. so as Puck says, "and so goodnight unto you all!" I am going to check my shoe and see if it is dry, because it got melted frozen yogurt all over it last night and I had to clean it off with a toothbrush and I don't know if I got it all out. haha yes, at the job I love so much. so taking the garbage out is the biggest downside. :P

take me under your wing tonight
make me so perfect in your eyes
hold on, 'cause it'll be alright
you're not alone

and you'll be here, forever
forever you'll stay
and you'll promise to love me
you'll love me always
you'll love me for always.....always

it is well, with my soul. maybe not with my life or my feelings, but with my soul it is well. God is good, all the time.

I'm not sure who reads this blog anymore, but just so you know (for those of you who do), I'm going to keep posting on it. You know, every week or so. It helps me just to write things out. In fact, I've been writing almost every night for the past couple of weeks, and thanks to the processing I get from that and a whole lot of help from God, I'm doing ok these days. I know my last post was super-depressing. But I'm alright. And I'll continue to be alright.

I'm still struggling a little bit. I mean, emotionally I am a little up and down, but mostly just feeling constantly drained and constantly on the edge. You know that feeling when things set you off, make you feel hopeless or worthless or depressed or upset even though you're consciously aware that the person didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or didn't mean to make you feel that way, or that whatever they said/did wouldn't normally get to you. It's a frustrating thing because even if you can control your reactions, your feelings are still there.

Church last Sunday was fantastic. The worship was just exactly what I needed, and was such a blessing. There was one point during the music where Juli (one of our phenomenal worship leaders) was talking during a little musical interlude. It was during a song she wrote recently, about worshiping God and asking Him to reignite your passion even in the middle of struggles and pain. She put up some verses from Psalms, in which the psalmist is crying out to God, asking how much longer God is going to ignore him and leave him in his pain. And Juli said something so insightful that's been with me all week - she said all of us are or have been or will be in that same place, feeling like God is ignoring us or doesn't care about us, or doesn't have control of our situations. And she said, your feelings are valid, but they aren't necessarily grounded in truth.
That hit me so hard for some reason. I guess because we always talk about the dangers of basing our actions off of feelings, but then it's so hard to downplay your feelings because they are....well....feelings. We are human and personally I've always felt that our feelings are very important, even if they aren't necessarily good. And so I'm realizing that, even to God, our feelings are valid and we should explore what we are feeling and why we feel that way. But at the same time, our actions need to be grounded in truth.

And the main action I'm concerned about right now is worship. Just how incredibly important it is to make worship a lifestyle and a continuous action, most especially when you don't feel like doing it. I'm realizing that in some times it is the only way through rough times. Like, what on earth would I do if I chose to be angry at God and ignore Him when everything else in my life is crumbling? But if I choose instead to cry out, to pour out all my feelings, all my anxiety and fear and pain and hopelessness and depression, and still to say "You are God and you are good, all the time, and I will worship You." That's when I am aware of His presence and His love for me more than ever before. I guess these are the blessings in hard times we hear about. But it takes humility and effort to receive them - it takes worship when you don't feel like it.

My friend Bret is always saying God is good, all the time. That's been sticking with me too lately, because it's been a rough month for me and some days it's honestly hard for me to believe that He is good ALL THE TIME. That is getting better too, as I feel His comfort more and see that despite my situations, He is in control and is working things out for the best (even if I can't see it all yet). But I'm so thankful to have these wise people in my life who keep guiding me on in the right direction.

One thing I'm struggling with is the concept of grace. I mean, what on earth is grace, when it comes down to it? I realize that I've heard the word literally all of my life and I still don't understand it. I learned in AWANA that grace is a free gift from God. But so is oxygen for that matter, and Christmas presents are free gifts, but that doesn't mean I know what's inside of them, or what they actually are. For example, what does it mean to stand in God's grace? Or for His grace to be given me, what is that? What does it make me do? How does it make me feel? I guess maybe I've always equated it with patience, but I don't think that's what it is. I can ask God to give me grace but I really don't know what I'm asking for - it's not like asking Him to give me wisdom or discernment, or boldness. I still believe that patience is something you work hard for and develop, not something you magically get. So yes.....anyone who has a clue about grace, please chime in. And no offence meant, but I'm trying to stay away from theological wording. I want practical stuff.....and I'm through with religion and rituals. I want to know what this stuff actually means in my life.

Another thing I still don't have a clue about is God. That sounds weird, even to me still. But I've been talking to Him more lately, and I mean talking to Him not talking at Him. All my life, even (or especially) in prayer, I've talked at God, given Him my list and added religious, churchy words to make it sound like a good prayer. But I think that prayer, while certainly a time to bring requests to God (but humbly and in deference to His will), is just as much a time to get to know God and allow Him to know you. I mean, of course He already knows you better than you know yourself, but to allow Him in as far as you are concerned, like you would with another person. This week I've caught myself literally crying and telling God my feelings about a situation over and over again, which is so unusual - I never would have done that before. But I wasn't really talking to God before, I was just going down a list and talking to the ceiling to make myself feel accomplished. But it certainly never made me feel better. Actually talking to God and letting Him love me made me feel so peaceful, even though the situation didn't change. And having God's peace and experiencing His love makes it easier to worship Him despite bad situations.

But it is confusing to me about prayer. I am realizing that I know God very little indeed. I know about Him - I know what He is like, His attributes and whatnot. But I don't know Him personally very well yet, haven't experienced Him much, or let Him take me where He wants me to go very much yet. And I am confused what to pray for, because more and more I see that He knows best and I just want to pray that His will be done. And sometimes that means that what happens isn't what I actually want to happen. So I've taken to both telling Him what I want (which is the list method, but when you're actually talking to God and recognizing that you are asking for what you want and humbly saying that it may not be what God wants, then it's ok) and praying that what He wants is what happens, and recognizing that He is good all the time (which gives me peace because no matter what happens with my prayer request, I know He is still taking care of everything), and committing to worship Him no matter what happens. And one day at a time, I am understanding a little bit more. And I realize how little I actually do understand of the insane, counter-intuitive love of God.




There is one particular thing that I'm struggling with lately, and it has to do with family/household stuff that I can't really go into here. But the other thing I can talk about that has me really anxious lately is my worship team. Frankly, I believe we are under a spiritual attack.....physically nearly everyone has had some issue in the last year. Two of our female vocalists have had surgery this summer, our bass player had major finger troubles and is still not able to play all of his instruments (which is bad because he plays gigs for a living, in addition to teaching). Our drummer has been having trouble with sinus infections. Our percussionist, Gary, was having what we thought was rotator cuff issues, and recently found out was cancer - he was diagnosed and given 4-12 weeks to live about a week ago (this has hit me especially hard lately). Tonight we had a band practice and my dear friend Bret, who plays guitar for us, is having major stomach pain and doesn't know what's wrong yet - but he said there is a good chance he could end up in the hospital from it.

I don't mean to sound like everything in life is horrible, because it's not (I am loving my job at Menchie's, and teaching is getting back to normal, and a lot of other great things have been happening!). But you guys know how important and dear my worship team is to me - mostly because I won't shut up about it - and so I would really appreciate it if you'd pray for some of these people. And I just wanted to explain a bit about why I've been anxious and having a hard time lately. Bret fondly told me that as I haven't been sick yet, that must mean that either I'm safe or I'm next. So comforting.............

Anyway. This post has gotten a lot longer than I anticipated. I meant to give a little update, which I didn't really do at all. But I guess I needed to throw some of those things out there that have been on my mind lately. Who knows, maybe one of you needed something as well.

Oh Lord, You've searched me
You know my ways
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me, I know you Love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?