I'm all over it now/and I can't say how glad I am about that

i am done with school.
i am on Christmas break.
i am happy. :D <<<<
*sigh* three finals today, in four hours. it was kind of a pain, but at the same time it was nice just to hit them all in a row and get them over with. and actually I think I did better than I expected on all of them. not that I'll find out until later, but still. I know I did really well on my botany exam, which I seriously needed because that class has sucked all quarter. but enough of that.....I'm DONE! I don't think it has quite sunk in yet that I don't have any more homework to do. that I really don't have anything stressful to do. the biggest thing I need to prepare for right now is playing three hours of Christmas music on Saturday, and come on - playing Christmas music is fun.

I may be getting some more hours at work over the next couple of weeks. I'm really hoping that happens. over break I'm going to finish planning my trip to Europe as much as possible, and every time I look at it I get a little worried about finances. so more hours = good. I've also been doing this temporary house-cleaning thing with my mom that pays really well, so that's been a blessing since I'm not making as much as usual from piano due to the holidays and everyone being gone.

speaking of piano, I'm kind of excited for my students' recital next Friday night. I'm kind of terrified too, because last week most of them weren't really close enough to being ready - not as close as I would like anyway. but I teach today so I'm hoping everything will work out. somehow or other, it will.

my worship team is doing TSO's Appalachian Snowfall in a week and a half, and I'm really excited for that. my worship leader is excited about Christmas for the first time since I've known him, and that is really cool.

stuff at home is overall getting a lot better. I feel like I'm emerging into the light at the end of the tunnel, like I can turn around and see these dark days, but we're mostly through them now. and that is very encouraging. and around me I see all the people and all the prayers that helped me get through. and I know that I'm stronger and I've learned some very valuable things too.

we got a window seat in our front window, and it is beautiful. my uncle built it. it has bookshelves going up both sides with lots and lots of books in them, and a little cabinet built into the backrest on each side, and tons of storage inside the seat. it's been my dream since I was a little girl to have a window seat in my house, and now it has finally happened, so I'm really happy - especially now that I'm on break and have a little bit of time and a big stack of books.

I put Radical on hold at the library last week and today it came in, way sooner than I was expecting! so I think tonight I'll go pick it up. because I DON'T HAVE ANY HOMEWORK. hahaha, this is pretty fabulous.

and now i'm going to get something to eat before my students come. tell me, how's your December going?

"He was thinking once again of his comfortable chair before the fire in his favourite sitting-room in his hobbit hole, and of the kettle singing."

Not for the last time. :)

the last week (well really the whole quarter, but the last week in particular) has been rather harrowing. you know what I mean - exhausting, stressful, scary at times, always up-in-the-air, and distressing. the kind you're really not sure how or if you're going to make it through.





thankfully, both the week and the quarter are nearly over. I am confining the harrowing-ness to just this time period; it is not allowed to touch my break. well, it may show up on the doorstep of my break entirely uninvited, and drag me off with it like the dwarves did with Bilbo on their dreadful adventure that turned out not to be so bad after all.......





which leads me to my topic. FOOD. I guess I'm in much the same boat as Biblo. I've been having a rough couple of months. but every day I look around me and see people who have it so much worse than me. I think I'm just like a china vase, or a souffle or something - way too fragile for my own good. like, I have a sweet little girl friend who's in my bio class (we met in Shakespeare a year ago); her mom died of cancer when she was like ten, and her dad and her stepmom don't really like her, and she pays for her own school and works, and she's engaged but not telling anyone because she's afraid to tell her dad yet. but she's the sweetest person I know, and somehow manages to get through every day with a smile and still doing amazingly sweet things for other people. like bake a pumpkin spice loaf for her alcoholic boss who's going through a divorce, using the only little ceramic mini-loaf pan that didn't break when she dropped the bag after getting home from the store.


I, personally, wouldn't be baking for my alcoholic boss. and I certainly wouldn't use the last ceramic pan if the other five broke. but that shows some rather major defects of character, and I'm not headed that direction right now.


the point is, I know so many people who would trade their lives for mine in a second. but here I sit, so unhappy.


but really, I didn't come here to compare my life with everyone else's either. what I'm trying to say is that I'm an awful lot like Bilbo, in so many ways. firstly in my life situation, because I've been dragged off on a nasty, uncomfortable adventure that I don't really care for in the slightest, entirely against my will and without me having much say in it. (although really, if you look at my adventure, it's much tamer than most peoples'. children's lit. like the Hobbit compared with LotR.)


but in a few little ways I'm growing up through it. getting brave, maturing, surprising myself with what's inside of me (sometimes). still waiting to outsmart the dragon and come back home with chests of gold though.





but there's another way I'm a lot like Bilbo.





I LOVE FOOD.





I have recently fully admitted to myself that I am a foodie. According to my dictionary, a foodie is an enthusiast of cooking, eating, or shopping for good food. I fit all three categories extremely well (and so did Bilbo, I might add). Oh, I also like to write about food. :)


right this minute I don't want to go into the benefits and detriments of being a foodie. I realize that admitting it is the first step, so I guess I'm on the right track and will have to work out an exercise plan in the near future. But what's far more intriguing is that I've discovered that food is therapeutic for me. I mean, I guess I've always known that eating food is like this, because that's why I'm always eating. it was a problem for my mom too (she beat it, I'm still working on it). but COOKING is even more therapeutic for me. I just love to cook, no matter what it is, and even if it doesn't come out quite right. I love using up the tiny amount of leftover this-and-that in whatever I decide to make. even better is deciding to make things because of leftovers - stuff gets used up in something new. I love creation and I love recreation. I guess it's an echo of the Creator, who will one day recycle this old world into a new something. I guess God is a cook too.





But back to business. I remember about mid-quarter I made this huge list of things I wanted to cook/bake, mostly because pumpkin came out and I started craving fall food like mad. but I made it a point to make something on my list at least once a week. and even though the homework and the work and the emotional stuff was nearly killing me, I still made the time to cook, and it made me feel better. just being with the food and directing what happened with it - maybe it makes me feel like I'm in control of something. I don't know for sure what it is, but I know I love it. it's relaxing and destressing. and oh-so-yummy. :)





when Liz and I went to Whitworth a couple weeks ago, we brought along a pomegranate, because she (and most of the rest of the world as it turns out) had never opened one. so I educated her and we nearly filled a bowl with the lovely jewel-like seeds that are so amazing (especially with ice cream). today she put a picture of it on facebook, and instantly I had this urge so strong that I almost went to the store to buy a pomegranate. because right this moment I don't have enough energy to stand and cook or bake something, but sitting and deseeding a pomegranate - feeling all the little round, knobby fruits unpry under my fingers, staining my fingernails red and popping the stray seeds into my mouth - there is something very relaxing and, well, therapeutic about this.





not to mention healthy. have you any idea how loaded pomegranates are with antioxidants?





so there you have it. me, the foodie. with the Hobbit thrown in for kicks.

slow ride/take it easy

hello everybody. I mean, all two of you.

today has been a fairly awful day. but I won't go into details because it's getting a little better and I don't want to dwell on all the depressing parts.

my worship team is going to do a Trans-Siberian Orchestra song in three weeks (Appalachian Snowfall), and I'm so excited!!!!! well, the team leader doesn't know yet that we're going to do it, but that's entirely beside the point. it's got a pretty awesome piano part, which makes me happy.

our neighbors down the street put up all their outdoor Christmas lights and their house looks completely amazing. that also makes me happy.

today I had my last day of choir and my last day of botany lab. THIS IS GOOD. I'll miss choir yes, but I get to sleep in an hour for the rest of the week. and now all I have to do for botany is a lab report, a quiz, and one more exam, and I'm all done. sooooo happy. and only three more days of biology - yay! I'm fairly convinced now that I am not going to die this quarter after all. It was close though. if not for the month-long Christmas break at the end of it, I might have curled up and died about a month ago.

our choir concerts over the weekend went quite well, especially given the fact that we missed our last three rehearsals due to snow. but it was fun - fun to play and to sing. and bittersweet, because a lot of the people I won't really be seeing again. life goes on..............

I am now going to change into warm, comfy clothes, and play Christmas music on my piano in my empty house, and then go try and conquer some homework.......it's the last week, I can do it.

our God is an awesome God

I have been incredibly blessed this weekend. And maybe this is becoming a theme of my blog posts, but I guess I'm thankful for that as well because it means I am learning to see the goodness of God, shown through His people. Let me recap.

Friday and Saturday I was at the Christian Musician Summit up at Overlake, which is this huge conference for church musicians/worship team members that happens every year. Lots of seminars for everybody (guitarists, leaders, keyboardists, bassists, drummers, sound guys, light guys, etc.), several times of corporate worship in their massive auditorium led by amazing worship artists, and concerts both nights. Basically, it's exhausting, exciting, inspiring, and depressing all at the same time. But it's cool because you're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Christian musicians. I think the times of corporate worship are one of the most beautiful parts of the event.

Anyway, last year nearly my entire worship team went. It's an expensive event, so I wasn't able to go - and in fact this was my first year going since I really got remotely serious about keyboard and started playing decently. But this year we were able to make it happen, and it was kind of funny because not very many people from my church came this year (because of the price most of them do it every two years or so). Not that it matters all that much; I can take care of myself just fine, but it is nice to know people, especially during the concerts when most church groups are sitting together. But through some last-minute plans changing and a lot of ticket reshuffling, certain people cancelled and it ended up that my dear friend Bret and his amazing wife Carol came with their two boys for a good chunk of the weekend. And that was a big blessing because they kind of took me under their wing and let me hang out with them for most of the weekend. They even took me out to dinner with them on Friday - we get 1 1/2 hours for lunch and dinner both days, so it's a lot of time to kill if you're not doing anything or hanging out with people you know. It was super-sweet. And I can't really explain it all, but because of some things that have been happening, it just meant a lot to me. It was what I needed when I needed it, that kind of a thing.

The seminars were pretty much incredible. I took four on keyboard skills, and most of them were so helpful.....I just want to hole up with my keyboard for a long time and figure out all kinds of new things that I didn't know I could do before. I also went to one on stage presentation (which Bret informed me I had to attend) and that was also amazing - enlightening and devestating, so to speak. The whole thing is like that; you get really inspired, but then you see some of the talent that is way up there and it's kind of depressing. But also inspiring at the same time. It's a weird blend of feelings. The other seminar I went to was presented by Michael Gungor (the guy who wrote Friend of God) and was called the Theology of Creativity. And it would take me a very long post to describe what he said, but it was inspiring and enlightening. To condense it into just a couple of things (from my notes):

"God made you to be you. And you don't have to apologize for it. And you don't have to be embarassed about not fitting a mold. Safety and fear are the enemies of creativity. Being creative means being who God made you, and being that person with all your heart. Being creative is more about being you than being new."

But, all this great stuff notwithstanding, I think the biggest thing I got out of the weekend was something much smaller and much bigger at the same time. Smaller meaning it's not so intellectual - it's very simple. But bigger because it's so much harder and also more earthshattering. And it can be expressed in four words: It's not about me.

This might seem completely obvious to most of you, but for me it's a lesson I am continually learning and then forgetting again, and then God has to hit me on the head and teach it to me yet again. Some of it comes from being an only child I'm sure, where selfishness is so easy. But a lot of it is just me......it's an essence of being human, and one that I struggle with intensely. I think about my life and where it is potentially heading, and I always find myself questioning if it's what I want, if something else wouldn't make me happier, if leaving home is really the right thing to do........especially when I get that look from my worship team that says "please stay here forever."

But when it comes down to it, this story is not about us. Humans aren't even the main characters of the universe (believe it or not). God is the main and only character, and humans are simply the image of the creator within the creation - like an artist's signature. Our whole object is just to point back to the creator, and how marvelous He is.

Again, I'm sure to most of you (especially you good Calivinists who are probably a lot more familiar with the catechism than I) this is completely obvious. I think you have a much better grasp on this than I do. But what I can tell you is that - even though it's really hard - it's so exciting to learn it like it's new. Because even if I'm not entirely happy with "my" life (isn't that an oxymoron now?) from one circumstance to another, I'm not the one in charge of it. The one who created me and is older than the universe is in charge of it, and somehow He is marvelously good and loving. And the only way to express it is in a song Israel Houghton did this weekend called You Hold My World.

You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
And I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed that You love me
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
And I'm not afraid, my world is safe
In Your hands, in Your hands

You won't let go
You won't let go
You won't let go
Never let go

Yeah. It's on youtube. And while you're there, look up Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor. Extraordinary song. Plus Gungor has a cello in his band. and a xylophone too. Yeah. :)

Which reminds me.....I'm going to go explore options for recreating cello parts for worship songs on my keyboard. and............homework. *sigh*

you go before me/you shield my way/your hand upholds me/and I know you love me/I know you love me

hello again. as my emotions are all over the place lately and I didn't want to leave you for too long with a semi-depressing post, I am posting again. today I am happy. :)

no matter how many time I say it (and I do realize that I say it a lot), I simply cannot reiterate enough how incredibly special my worship team is to me. I was on worship this weekend, and that is mostly why I am happy. actually, I was at the church pretty much all weekend long, because today was our second annual Rite of Passage ceremony..........something we started last year; I could take a long time to explain it but in a nutshell it is our church recognizing that the concept of being a "teenager" is an unhealthy, manmade thing, and that biblically children are called into adulthood once they are physically capable of reproducing life, and at that point we should start treating them like adults a bit at a time, and helping them mature. It's something we are doing to counteract the trend of youth being occupuyed all the time with youth programs but never really developing roots within the church - which is why so many people leave after they graduate. So the whole weekend was a lot of teaching about what it means to start acting like an adult, and what the older adults can change in their behavior toward "youth," and tonight was the ceremony, which is basically just a big celebration for teenagers who decide to step from this weird childhood phase into adulthood. I went through it last year with about thirty other kids, as it was the first year we did it. Tonight there were about ten who did it. It was just magical, watching my family (my church family) come around these people - watching this living thing that is the church become just a bit more intergenerational as we intentionally decide to expect more from my generation. It was magical watching adults who have for years been just annoyed by teenagers, giving these "kids" hugs and commiting to come alongside them as friends - to actually be interested in my struggles and my triumphs, and my walk with the Lord. It was a fabulous weekend. When I'm with my church family, hugs are abundant and the love is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

I can't say enough how incredibly grateful I am for my worship team, my pastor, our women's pastor, and so many other individuals who have decided to love me and take an interest in me, even (and especially) at times when I've been so immature, so unlovable, and even closed to new relationships. I've just been looking back at the last four years since we started going to this church, and how much I have healed and grown since that time because of God's work through the people who have decided to surround me, be there for me, and help me along in this thing we call life.

So yes, despite school being crazy, and work still having issues, and family things continuing to be messy, and all the other random stuff sneaking up and attacking me all at once - today I am happy. And I am loved, by God and by His people. :)

we reach for you/and we stand tall/and in our prayers and dreams we ask you/bless us all

hi there.
so, the rain is officially here, and I really, desperately need rain boots. the only problem is my definite aversion to spending money, especially as my Europe trip gets closer. but.....I'm walking to school and coming home with wet shoes, socks, and feet, which is unacceptable. so I think today I'll buy some rain boots.

life continues to be somewhat crazy. I've decided that I am able to have control over all the facets of my life at a time except one. so when school work are ok, my emotions are completely frazzled. when I get those under control, work stuff seems to go crazy. I focus on work for awhile and then my grades start to suffer. you see what I mean?

and that's about the point that my teachers start talking about group projects and final projects.

thankfully, today was the point when my teachers started talking about days off! no school Wednesday, no lab next Monday, and no school next Thursday. it's only by having one day off per week that I am able to keep the different facets from all exploding simultaneously.

but other than that, things are pretty good. I quit my job at Bath and Body Works, after five months of nothing but scheduling nightmares, and very little work. I'm a little sad that it didn't work out, because I liked the job and I liked the people I worked with. But I was spending more time working out my schedule than I was working, and for a maximum of one shift a week, it wasn't worth it. I just got another shift per week at Menchie's, so I'm really, really happy about that. :) I feel so relieved that have the hassle of three jobs gone now.

school is really rough these days. like I said, my grades are starting to go down a bit, which is a completely new phenomenon for me. I just don't have time to study. I barely have time to get all the homework done, and anything beyond the required homework just doesn't get done. It was going more or less ok until our third botany exam this past weekend, which I did terribly on. today I discovered that the whole class did about the same though (including some pretty smart people), so I didn't feel quite as bad. although I'm still wondering how to find time to do extra credit to bring my grade back up.

every day when I wake up and think about going to school, I want to just quit right now. I'm so sick of it all. it's so hard to balance a complete life, with work and school and family and friends, and all the other little stuff that comes up (I absolutely, positively have to vote today). this has been the worst quarter for me, and even though it's more than halfway over now, I wish it was all the way over - wish I could just stop and have time to read again, or play my piano. the only time I sit down at the piano these days is when I teach, or occasionally for worship practice. It's really sad.

but then I remind myself that after one more quarter I'll have my AA, and then I don't ever have to go to GRCC again, and I'll be off to Europe to pretty much just have fun for four months straight. it's only a few more months away, and I can put up with anything for such a short amount of time. with work and school, the thought of Europe some days is all that keeps me going. that and Christmas! the promise of Christmas will get me through to the end of this quarter.

and........I really should be going now. I'll try and give another update again soon. just - if you guys would keep me and my family in your prayers, that would be awesome. :)
<3

yes, I could indeed quote Chesterton all day

"The principle is this: that in everything worth having, even in every pleasure, there is a point of pain or tedium that must be survived, so that the pleasure may revive and endure. The joy of battle comes after the first fear of death; the joy of reading Virgil comes after the bore of learning him; the glow of the sea-bather comes after the icy shock of the sea bath; and the success of the marriage comes after the failure of the honeymoon. All human vows, laws, and contracts are so many ways of surviving with success this breaking point, this instant of potential surrender.
"In everything on this earth that is worth doing, there is a stage when no one would do it, except for necessity or honor. It is then that the Institution upholds a man and helps him on to the firmer ground ahead."
~G.K. Chesterton on marriage~


"The whole object of travel is not to set foot on foreign land; it is at last to set foot on one's own country as a foreign land."
~G.K. Chesterton on travel~

is off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Ounce!

ahem. yes. it's been a little while.

I can't tell you how many times I've opened a page to start a new post and just haven't gotten to it. life is crazy. which is why I'm taking a vacation.

*is extremely excited*

this time tomorrow I'll be at our family condo in eastern WA. all by my onesy. maybe doing a puzzle, or watching a movie, or eating cookie dough, or soaking in the jacuzzi, or journaling, or reading something that has nothing to do with school, or SLEEPING (I'm really excited for this one), or cooking breakfast. because who says you can't have breakfast at 9:30 PM?

so yeah. I've been working my tail off to get all my homework for the week done so I don't have to take anything with me. if you're taking two natural sciences and a social science, you know how hard this is to do. but I've just about done it (one more assignment to finish up tonight, and a quiz to take in the morning before I leave). then I head to Safeway to get gas and the season's first satsumas, and I'm off! I'm not even bringing my laptop. because I need to relax, and I can't do that if I have my laptop. no, I'm bringing the heating pad that makes my back feel good, and aromatherapy oils to burn in the diffuser, and wonderful-smelling bubble bath, and a giant quilt and down comforter. lots of books and lots of blank paper. and movies. and FOOD. lots of that too. :P



other than planning and preparing for this trip, I've just been busy extricating myself from the many commitments I foolishly made this month. things are starting to settle down once again. I'm loving work, and may soon start working three days a week at Menchie's (yay!). teaching is also going well. Bath and Body Works is not going so well, mostly just because I never get any hours there (or if I do, I'm on call and I end up not needing to go in). if I'm able to work three days a week at Menchie's, I'm going to quit Bath and Body. I spend more time just working out all the glitches in the scheduling there than I do actually working, and it's stressful, frustrating, and ridiculous. it's not worth a maximum of one shift per week.



last weekend on worship was incredible. I still can't quite put words to it, but the best I can say is that I've never felt such love and care from and for people as I did with my worship team. we have truly become family to each other, and it's the biggest privilege in the world to play together every three weeks. it's amazing to see how these relationships have developed, how much we care for each other all the time, not just when we're on worship.

we have this little ritual, after we finish playing the set before the sermon, we all hang out for a couple of minutes behind the church while my friend Bret has a cigarette, and we talk about how the music went and what things went terribly wrong, and what we could do better. then we usually walk around to the front of the building and either sit in for the sermon or hang out in the foyer until it's time to play the set that comes after the sermon. last weekend we were behind the church just talking about everything and nothing, and ended up spending the entire sermon out there without realizing it. we'd been talking for nearly half an hour and it felt like five minutes, no joke. I think heaven will be a little bit like this. except even better, which I can't imagine yet.

I feel like every day I'm growing up. and it's not necessarily a successive thing either - I don't get farther along every day. sometimes I feel like I'm growing up today the exact same way I did yesterday. it feels new again too, and a little scary but a little exciting as well. Roger says that our journey through healing our hearts is like sweeping with a broom - you are moving somewhere, but with each sweep you cover a lot of ground you already covered. but I think I am learning that repetition is a good thing. I am learning a lot about marriage, which makes me wonder if I will ever be married. I am learning a lot about love; what it is and what it isn't. and sometimes it even changes around, so you really have to know your situation and the people you are with, and what is best at a particular time. for example, sometimes loving someone means giving them advice and godly council, telling them what they should do and how they can improve. sometimes it means just listening. a very wise person has been doing both for me lately, in some hard circumstances. but sometimes love means staying out of it. sometimes love and affection are opposite things, because someone has to work through their own issues and not have a friend who might enable them to take an easier route. sometimes the right path is the hardest one, and you have to walk it alone - knowing that your friends do love you (in the sense that love is deliberate action, or deliberate non-action in some cases), and are praying for you, but can't help you learn what you have to figure out for yourself. Bret says that sometimes ideals get mixed up with preferences. Meaning that what we really want deep down because we know it to be right, gets mixed up with what our flesh wants. and that's when we have problems and love gets tricky.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense - perhaps you have to be inside my head. there are a lot of things I would love to share that would make it all make sense, but I just can't, yet. maybe someday. God is doing some amazing and incredible things though, and I thank you for your prayers and even more for your friendship, even when I'm the friend who drops off the face of the earth.

alright. now I'm going to finish homework, and finish packing, and then go to bed, because the sooner I go to bed, the sooner tomorrow will be here!

when the moon fell in love with the sun/all was golden in the sky/all was golden when the day met the night

So.....I don't have any new food stuff to put up. Or rather, I do, but I'm too lazy to go get my camera right now to get the pics. But pumpkin crepes, coming soon! I also tried using up extra coconut milk with baked bananas in coconut milk. but it didn't taste so great, so I now have to think of something creative to do with baked bananas. Banana pumpkin bread? I don't know. Still have coconut milk and I'm thinking about coconut pudding..............

But anyway, I thought I'd just put up a post about me. Since this is my blog and it's all about me anyway, self-centered as that is. :P I'm kind of crazy between work and school, but my matra is that variety is the spice of life, and I'm honestly enjoying splitting my time between school and three different jobs. I think I would actually get bored if I only worked one place and did school. Not having time for a social life isn't too bad, as half of my friends (the ones I physically see more often) are off at school now anyway.

School kind of sucks - the best part about it (besides the epicness of choir every morning, of course) is the variety.....botany lab with certain people monday, lectures tuesday and thursday (in which I pretty much just chat with my adorable friend Christina), bio lab on wednesday with different people, and only choir on fridays. Homework is killing me, but the school part is really quite easy, thankfully. Sooooo much reading though. I think geography might be getting more interesting though, which is good because I've literally been falling asleep trying to read the textbook. Worse than any other class/textbook I've had to deal with yet. But I'm figuring out how all the homework works and what days I need to do certain things, so even that is calming down.

Menchie's is fun. Slowing down a bit, because of the weather. I love that all my coworkers there are so nice and so much fun, and not working the closing shift anymore is incredible. I love being with customers more and less cleaning, but above all not having to do the late nights. Getting a little more sleep is going to save my sanity this quarter. :)

Bath and Body Works is also really fun! I've worked (during store hours) three times now, and I'm really starting to get the hang of it. And it's weird, but I still love interacting with customers. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been in retail long enough, or if it's just that God has wired me to like working with people. I love getting the focus off of myself and trying to help someone else and make them happy, and generally the people who come into both stores are already fairly happy. So it all contributes to a really positive atmosphere, which is fantastic. Even when I don't want to go to work, as soon as I get there I'm energetic and upbeat and it usually carries through the rest of the day as well. What's also nice is that as the work at Menchie's gets a little slower, Bath and Body Works is really picking up because of the holidays. And piano is.....haha, well it's piano. I love it and it's exhausting. But I'm starting to think Christmas music, for myself and for some more advanced students, which is fun.

Family stuff is still interesting. Still can't go into details, but please pray for my family. Things are generally getting better, meaning that God is working for good even in some bad situations that are going on, but it's still difficult and there are some great days and some really bad days too. Some dear friends of mine have been so encouraging, and I think the biggest comfort is just being reminded of the goodness of God, and knowing that people are praying for me all the time. Our God is amazing and I'm reaching the point where it's not so difficult to praise Him, and to see Him at work, even in the midst of pain. Crazy funny, but our pastor is starting a new sermon series about Job (kind of) and life during trials. That is also encouraging!

I'm soooooo excited about fall, and looking ahead of that to Christmas! We have pumpkin fro-yo at work now and I had some tonight with graham cracker crumbs, caramel syrup, and a mini cinnamon roll, and it was SO AMAZING! I'm baking a lot with pumpkin. The weather is just beautiful, even when it's raining. I can wear scarves and sweaters again!

It's also a busy season for me with some annual stuff that is coming up. MissionsFest Seattle is this weekend and I'm going up on Saturday, which I'm really looking forward to. I always learn so much there, and meet amazing people, and it's just such an awesome time of seeing what God is doing all over the world and where He is leading His people. Next up is our church's harvest fest, which is Peter Pan themed and I am Wendy. I'm also in charge of cookie decorating, my goodness. Lots of kids, lots of frosting = hectic. :P

In a couple of weeks I'm taking a personal weekend and heading over to our family condo in eastern WA for a couple of nights to myself. I plan to bring lots of paper and pens, junk food, puzzles, maybe some movies and books. But I have the feeling I could use some introspection time and that maybe something will happen there, that maybe God will be telling me something there, when I actually make the time to listen. I'm not sure, but I'm really looking forward to it.

November brings the Christian Musician Summit up at Overlake, and finally I am going!!!!! I went once or twice, years and years ago with our old church. I was a terrible keyboardist then and don't remember much from those trips. But now I'm a fair keyboardist and have much to learn, and I'm so looking forward to how I can improve myself through the workshops and stuff there. Plus half the people from our church's worship teams are going and we're all sitting together, so should be a fun time. :)

And now, dear friends, I am tired and since the weekend is over and I have to get up early (did I mention I started jogging before school??) I'm off to bed. I hope this little update finds you all well and enjoying autumn as much as I am!

Welsh Rabbit

Before you let the title fool you, let me explain. Welsh Rabbit is not rabbit at all (although someday I really want to try rabbit - stewed or broiled or something with lots of herbs). But this delectable treat does have some pretty fascinating history.

You may have heard of it as Welsh Rarebit; it is important to understand that the word "rarebit" came after the dish had already been called "rabbit" for a long time. Snobby people didn't like the fact that it wasn't actually rabbit so they decided to give it a more sophisticated name. Even though it wasn't originally a sophisticated dish at all. But I digress.

The more common story is that in England, the poor man's meat was rabbit (beef, etc. from the butcher was too expensive). But in Wales, where people were seriously broke, the poor man's meat was cheese - hence the cheese dish with the carnivorous name. The other popular tale is that Welsh peasants were not allowed to eat rabbits from land belonging to the nobility (which was pretty much all of it), and so they made do with cheese and now we have Welsh "rabbit."

Or there is the English-biased reading that the Welsh are such terrible hunters, they cannot even catch rabbits and have to eat cheese instead.

Take your pick of legend, but it's fairly indisputable that the dish itself is marvelous. It's not that hard to make, and is much like a cheddar cheese fondue served over toast. Try it with tomato soup and you have the ultimate comfort food right here.

The beginnings.....butter and flour and milk, with Worcestershire and salt and pepper. You don't get much more English than that!

Me and my one true love: Worcestershire sauce. If I'm ever on my own and stocking my pantry for the first time, this will absolutely be the first thing I get. Followed closely by rock salt and turbinado sugar. Oh yes, and I got a haircut.....this is a bad picture of it though. :/

I believe the original recipes call for beer, but Betty Crocker told me white wine would do as well. And actually they're both optional, but they bring out terrific flavor so as long as you cook it out long enough you get cheesy depth without alcohol.

Almost there.....................

Tada! Welsh Rabbit. Next time with tomato soup. :)

Let the cooking commence!

Last night my dad and I made dinner, and a marvelous dinner it was. A friend had given us four smallish trout, and I had the radical idea to make a grapefruit sauce to go with them. I'd seen recipes that incorporated grapefruit and crab, and thought it could just as well spread to the rest of seafood. I hopped online and found a recipe for grapefruit sauce that was meant to go with halibut, and while my dad was seasoning the fish, I made it.

I really wanted couscous with the fish, but my dad decided he didn't really like couscous because it's too dry. I think it's just the way my mom makes it, personally. So I decided to make sauteed mushrooms in some kind of cream sauce, because we had all these mushrooms that needed to get used, and then we could have that over the couscous. Butter, onion, garlic, Worcestershire sauce, and sauteed mushrooms; add cream and parsley and white wine. absolutely heavenly!

The only problem was that the grapefruit sauce didn't turn out. It tasted good, and added a nice sweet/citrus flavor to the fish (kind of like lemon with salmon, but sweeter and more tropical), but it wasn't thick at all and I had to strain the pulp out to get the seeds out. So it was really like sweet grapefruit juice. But we still have two of the fish so I'm going to experiment with cornstarch and heat and see if I can't make something of it yet. :)

To quote Winnie the Pooh - "It's Autumn!!!!!!!"

hello. this is me pretending to do homework.

school is ok so far. my teachers are good and playing the accompaniment for choir is a ton of fun! since all my other classes are science and a mix of online and in-class, every day is different (sometimes lecture, sometimes lab, sometimes home super early) and since I love variety this is a very good thing.
however, since all my other classes are science, I am extremely busy with homework. but it's mostly reading and studying, which for me is less time-consuming than lots of writing. though not as much fun. but less time-consuming is more important right now, because I'm working a lot.
I have the same teacher for botany and biology. I keep getting assignments and due dates between the two classes mixed up. my teacher is Indian and she's pretty cool. I also have a friend in my bio class from my Shakespeare class last year, a really sweet Christian girl. unfortunately we have different lab days, but we sit together during lecture.

right now I ought to be working on geography. I have to do an assignment on what plagiarism is and why it's evil. boooorrrring. and then I have to study all the stuff I didn't quite grasp from the chapter (which is most of it....40-page super-boring introductory chapter - what the heck?), and then I have to write stuff about Auburn and give geographical terms for it, and then I have to do a quiz. which thankfully got bumped to being due Sunday instead of tonight because it wasn't working online.
so now I am procrastinating even more.

Autumn is here and I am so freaking excited!!!!!!! a mixture of the change in the weather and pms has me thinking about fall food nonstop. like, everything with pumpkin. or bakes apples with cinnamon and nutmeg. little mini pumpkins used as serving dishes for hot cinnamon applesauce. gingerbread waffles (whoever came up with this has my undying devotion). pumpkin tomato basil soup. something that incorporates cranberries and smoked gouda cheese. artichokes with pomegranate hollandaise sauce. this list is nearly endless. I will probably be baking in my every spare minute (as in, after I finish homework. if I ever finish homework) and then I will take pictures and post recipes and fabulous things like that.

tonight my dad and I are on our own for dinner. we have some trout that he's going to bake in foil, and we're either going to do sauteed mushrooms or a grapefruit sauce over the top, with couscous on the side. I am very excited. :)

one last thing, and then I'll really do schoolwork. really. this morning I tried a new recipe for Nutella hot chocolate (yes, really!). And it's super easy, so you should all rush out and buy Nutella if you don't have any at home (and shame on you if you don't already have a supply of it), and then make this:

1 cup milk
3 T Nutella
1 t cocoa powder

Put the milk and Nutella in a saucepan and whisk together while heating slowly (it won't mix at first but as the Nutella melts and becomes more liquidy it will incorporate nicely; just keep whisking gently). Add the cocoa powder and heat until steaming hot.
It's thick and hazelnutty and absolutely fabulous. Not to mention fast and easy. I want to try it again with some cinnamon (just a touch) and get some whipped cream too. :) Happiness you can drink!

pardon for sin, a peace that endures, Your presence, strength for today, hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine - great is Thy faithfulness indeed!

yes, yes, it's ANOTHER post. :) first off, if you didn't see my last post, go back and listen to the two songs I put in. the other older posts you can ignore if you want to, but the songs are important.

I've been reading a ton lately, and I just wanted to put up some of the wisdom I gleaned from Brave New Family, which is a collection of essays, articles, and excerpts from all of G.K. Chesterton's work. (as an aside, excerpt is a very funny word.) anywho, this book has been rather incredible for me, in conjunction with the other stuff I've been reading, the conversations I've been having with God, and some of the "stuff" that's been going on in my family lately.

basically, today was absolutely hell until about 7:00, and then it got a lot better (we went to church this evening instead of tomorrow morning, and it was a really incredible service). like I said, no details on the family stuff at this point (simply because it involves people other than myself, and also, frankly, the details just aren't important). but a lot of issues have been surfacing that just need to be dealt with, and that is hard to do. especially with someone extra in your house who didn't grow up there, and hasn't had a good family situation ever before. so things are complicated. life goes on. my friends are like family, and my church is like family, and my family is working on being more like family too. and God is.......incredible.

actually, though this may sound crazy, I'm glad all this painful stuff has been happening. I mean, aside from the fact that it will make my family stronger and healthier (which I can already see is in the process of happening....sort of a refining process), I have been forced to discover and experience and rely on God in a way that's never happened before. and I have more peace about my life than I have ever had before. the more I have to trust, the more I learn what a beautiful and good thing it is. the things my head has known to be true for a long time, my heart is learning to know and trust as well. Donald Miller says that you only truly believe the things that you show with your actions. like, if you treat everyone else like garbage and only care about yourself, you only truly believe that you exist. obviously, physically and scientifically, the other people exist, but in regards to how you treat them and who you care about, you only believe in yourself. so my head has believed in things about God for a long time, but my heart hasn't learned (or been forced) to believe them until now, if that makes any sense. things like God is good, all the time. and God is faithful, even when life is tough.

I think one of the biggest things I have been learning (apart from the incredible love of God that surrounds me and the peace of God that fills me up when I'm empty and afraid) is this one truth that I never realized at all before this year: life doesn't owe me anything. and neither does God. I mean, it sounds like it makes sense, but to actually believe it and let it influence your attitude and actions - that is a lot harder. but it's true, and once you realize that there are no guarantees of comfort or happiness in life, it makes it slightly easier to rejoice in the middle of pain. note that I said slightly. :P

but enough of me, on to Chesterton! I won't go into vast detail on all of these, and there aren't a ton of them, but there are a few things that I thought the world should know. (so I'm posting them on my blog, which like three people read. go me. :P)

"Many a man has been lucky in marrying the woman he loves. But he is luckier in loving the woman he marries." Just sit with that thought for a moment. sometime in the future I'm going to post about marriage and love. and my very interesting, ever-changing views on the subject.

"The first fact about the celebration of a birthday is that it is a way of affirming defiantly, and even flamboyantly, that it is a good thing to be alive [this in itself gives me such a thrill! because I love birthdays - other peoples' as much as my own even]....But there is a second fact about Birthdays, and the birth-song of all creation, a fact which really follows on this; but which, as it seems to me, the other school of thought almost refuses to recognise. The point of that fact is simply that it is a fact. In being glad about my Birthday, I am being glad about something which I did not myself bring about. In being grateful for my birth, I am grateful for something which has already happened." He goes on to talk about the fact that a birthday is something you receive, something over which you have no control, you do not choose or create for yourself. "And I say it is a narrow view of life, which leaves out the whole of that aspect of life; all receptivity, all gratitude, all inheritance, all worship." I never thought of celebrating one's birthday as worship. Interesting thought. but I guess when you think of all of life as a worship service - your responses to everything as worship or not worship, grateful or not grateful - then it does fit, and it's a beautiful thought.

There isn't a specific quote for this idea, but Chesterton basically says that while men roam the world seeking adventure and opportunities to be courageous, they either neglect or are running away from the biggest adventure of all: being a part of their own family. The family is basically the most complex thing God created. It is also one of the most beautiful and worthwhile things you can work at. It is messy and it is hard, but no one can say it is dull, boring, or unadventurous.

Then there's a stanza from a poem about Christmas. With how insane some parts of my life have been lately, it gives me some comfort:

"The world is a wild as an old wives' tale,
And strange the plain things are,
The earth is enough and the air is enough
For our wonder and our war;
But our rest is as far as the fire-drake swings [a fire-drake is a dragon, btw. think Smaug.]
And our peace is put in impossible things
Where clashed and thundered unthinkable wings
Round an incredible star."

And lastly is a humorous quote - for in Chesterton there are plenty of these. I love that he keeps me thinking serious thoughts and laughing at the ridiculousness of life at the same time. This one is about golf:
"I have no disrespect for the game of golf; it is an admirable game. I have played it; or rather, I have played at it, which is generally regarded as the very opposite." :D

And that's it for now. I have a lot more on my mind, but it's not ready to come out yet. I just want to say, God is good, all the time. that, and I love you guys very much.

please take from me my life when I don't have the strength to give it away to you, Jesus

That song I was talking about in my last post? I found the original version, and here it is. It's called The More I Seek You, and it's an incredible song - you should listen to it. Because I am not very internet savvy, I can only give you the link, but do yourself a favor and watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI_1YliutzA



And also, here is a link to the song my friend Bret wrote a couple of months ago, Ocean. It's the one about worshipping when you really don't feel like it. This is an early recording of it that he put on his blog so the rest of the worship team could hear it, so most of it's computerized and it's still definitely a work in progress, but it's the lyrics that are really incredible.

http://grunzleworks.com/GrunzleWorks/Blog/Entries/2010/5/19_Ocean.html



And.........that's about it. Short post for once - world, take note!

this love is so deep/it's more than I can stand/I melt in Your peace/it's overwhelming

hello again. I surprise myself at how much I feel the need to post lately, but I have so much on my mind, and 1) it does me good to write about it, because it helps me process and grow; and 2) I hope maybe it will help someone reading this.....I think God has some purpose in this posting frenzy so I'm going with my gut and writing when I feel like it. plus it's my blog so even if no one is reading, I still don't see any reason not to post.



but I'll warn you that this one is ridiculously long as well. anyway, here goes.....



I am learning to have joy despite circumstances. the wonderful thing about this is that joy and depression don't coexist....which means my depression is becoming more rare each day. I am also learning to worship despite circumstances, and this is wonderful because worship and worry cannot coexist either....so my anxiety is also going down. and no, I didn't just magically do this by myself, nor am I terribly good at it yet. but I'm getting to actually know God for what feels like the first time, and it's an amazing thing.



I've said before (and still I'm not going to go into details much), my home life is a little interesting right now - there is just some interesting family stuff, mostly having to do with my parents' marriage (because marriage is just plain complicated), and with having an extra person in our house who didn't grow up here - a transplant, if you will. but things are messy and tough, and on top of this a lot of other people who are very dear to me are having terrible life circumstances for no apparent reason - if it's not one thing, it's another (and then another, and then something else on top of that, for good measure). it's very painful, and like most people, I have found myself wandering around saying, "Why, God? Why?"



but I've learned that often there aren't reasons. I mean, yes we do usually have to pay for our stupid actions, but often crap just happens and it's not because of some crime we committed or weak faith or anything. I am learning, slowly and painfully, that life doesn't own me anything. I am not entitled to anything, no matter what standard of living I grew up with. life is messy, and sticky, and sometimes really sucky too. life is tough, but God is faithful. life is tough, but God is good - all the time.



and God is worthy of worship, worthy of giving our lives to, not because of what He does for us, but simply because of who He is and how He loves us (SIDE NOTE - if you don't know the song How He Loves Us, go to youtube right this instant and listen to any version of it other than the Kim Walker one). even though I've grown up in one of the best families I could imagine, I still sense the vast difference between the conditional love my parents give and the eternal, unconditional love of God. so even though the last month has been hell in some ways, it has been one of the best months of my life. I feel that I never knew God before now......sometimes I have brushed up against Him, and a few times I have talked to Him with complete honesty, and always I have believed in Him, but like Job said, "I had heard of You before, but now my eyes have seen You." I feel like I grew up thinking I knew God well because I knew about Him so much, the same way we can feel like we know a person we have heard so much about and seen from a distance. But just like that, sometimes you meet the person face to face and are blown away by who they really are. I have known God a little for a long time, but I am learning that the more you open yourself and the deep hidden parts of your heart to God, the more fully you get to experience Him too. I think this applies to all of life - the more you make yourself available, the more you experience others, and especially God, as well.



I am learning about prayer. these days I don't tell someone I'm going to pray for them unless I actually am going to do it honestly. what I mean by that is that I refuse to pray checklist-style anymore, because it's insincere and I think insulting to God. it's like telling your husband you want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and instead sending him a text thanking him for fixing the sink and reminding him that you are out of milk. so nowadays my prayers are a lot more disorganized and confused - but they are real conversations. and they usually lead to me writing down something, because so far that seems to be how I hear answers from God, when I do hear answers. and as another side note, I think it's good to get angry at God sometimes, it's healthy to have doubts and questions - AS LONG AS you keep the communication open with Him. human relationships are like this too. It's ok to have an argument with your spouse or a friend as long as you remain honest and loving and keep working through it.



I just finished this book that I started last night (yes, it was that good) called Life is Tough but God is Faithful. I saw it on our bookshelf, and since that phrase "God is good all the time" has kind of been my motto lately, and life has also been very tough lately, I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm a little annoyed with Christian books right now (at least, the generic ones like How to Pray or Your Quiet Time with God or [seriously?] The Biblical Blueprint for an Ideal Marriage. I don't much like the idea of basing my relationship with the creator of heaven and earth off of someone else's experiences. but I digress). Anyhow, the book was written by Sheila Walsh, and I highly recommend it if you're in a tough spot right now and need the encouragment. Plus the author is Scottish, so that adds several awesome points. =) if you don't need it now, keep it on the back burner, because life IS tough and disaster will strike one of these days.



I wanted to share a few things from the book that jumped out and hit me in the face, because my thought is that probably most of you aren't going to rush out and read the book (or, hopefully, don't need to right now), but might still glean some helpful things from it. plus, I'm still processing. aren't you lucky, my faithful readers? anyway, a few excerpts:







"I believe that when we base our faith on apparent answered prayer, getting the solutions to our problems right now, we're in real trouble. If we mistake God's silence for indifference, we are the most miserable of people. If we give up when we no longer understand, we reject His caring, steadfast love and cut ourselves off from our only real hope."



On the goodness (rather than the assumed weak faith) of having doubts and questions.......

"Questions force an honesty that requires us to live with our lives unresolved." Frankly, that scares me to death, but knowing that I can trust the one I'm questioning even if I don't get the answers right away is comforting and kind of exciting. life may not be organized or remotely under control, but it's honest. my friend Bret has been a fantastic model of this for me over the past year, and I can see that it's worth it. even though his life is often filled with pain and rarely in focus, he has this sweet fellowship with God that I envy and a raw honesty with other people that ensures true friends - and how on earth you get through this life without true friends I can't fathom. Bret is the one always telling me that God is good, all the time, and finally I am starting to believe him. living life unresolves is scary but the only good way to do it.



(And the reason I'm talking about Bret all the time right now is because I'm learning so much from him right now.)



On the author's dad as a 'practical Christian'.......

"He didn't just pray, he was prepared to be the answer to his own prayers." In learning how to pray and actually talk to God and not at Him or about Him, I think it's crucial to remember that He may ask us to be the solution. prayer is easy if you are not willing to sacrifice, but it means nothing.

I've talked a little about Gary, the percussionist from my worship team who has terminal cancer and probably only weeks left to live. I've been praying for Gary....we all have (and not checklist praying but more like "God, I don't understand this at all, I don't like this - we are asking You for a miracle if You are willing, but in the end Your will be done" kind of praying), but the last couple of days I've felt it laid on my heart to try and visit him. I was mourning that (unless God does a miracle and heals him), I'd never get to know Gary. He only played with us 3 or 4 times and is the quiet, laid-back sort of guy it takes time to get to know. but suddenly this voice in my head was like, "Gary is sick, he isn't dead. you can still get to know him if you have some guts."

so, the thought of going to visit someone who is weak and who is dying, who I barely know and probably have very little in common with, is terrifying. but I care about him and I don't want to live in fear. a life of fear only holds you captive and blesses no one. anyhow, please pray for me because the imagined awkwardness of the thing still makes me afraid and nervous, but I know it's what I need to do.


"The Greek word for salvation means 'to save, to heal, to make complete.'" Crazy awesome, because I've only ever thought of it as saving....you know, 'Jesus died to save us from our sins' sort of thing. But He also came so that we could live in Him, not just go to Heaven instead of Hell. He came to heal the brokenhearted, to give us the ability to live victoriously in His love, to make us complete people. I think that's so amazing. life's circumstances can suck big-time, but we can still be complete and thrive because we know God.



"It would be so much easier if life were like a game of riddles in which God gives us hints about the right questions to ask. Then we could solve our problems and move on. But life is not a game. It's really a worship service, and each of us is a living sacrifice." She also talked about how being a 'living sacrifice' means we have the choice to crawl away when things get hot and uncomfortable, or to stay on the alter and glorify God in the midst of our circumstances. and our worship as living sacrifices - people with the choice to love God or not to love Him - is like sweet incense to God. Life as a worship service....what a beautiful, challenging thought.



"If we believe in God only for the blessing He can give us, our belief in Him is not based on love and trust but on our own selfish desires and our own concept of what we think God owes us." Yikes. have I really spent 18 years thinking the God of the universe owes me something? that I can effect His love.....or manipulate His blessings? trying to place Him under some kind of contract that 'if You do this I'll serve You; I'll love You if you keep on doing that.' what a sickening thought. the author also talked about how the only valid reason for serving God is because He is worth it - because His love for us makes Him worthy of our praise and our trust. I was just thinking, it is probably impossible to live a life of trust in God when you are only in it for the blessings and not actually willing to stay on the alter when He asks something of you. because trust means living blindfolded and walking forward without knowing what the ground looks like. but God is worth it, and I believe He also blesses those who walk by faith. not to mention, living a life of religion really sucks - all you end up doing is beating yourself up. so when circumstances are bad and you're not seeing God's blessings, the religious Christian life is probably the worst of all.



"Your security has been all wrapped up in thinking of yourself as....[who you are as a person, your accomplishments, what you have done to serve God]. But that's not why I love you. I don't need you to do things for me. I just really love you."
I just really love you. I always forget that God doesn't actually need us. That no matter what we do for Him, He won't love us less or more. and I know that in my head, but I always think that 'growing in my relationship with God' means I feel His love more. which may be true, but it doesn't mean that He actually loves me more. His love is infinite and overwhelming and no matter how much or little I do, He just really loves me. Elsewhere in the book it says "Christian service is a poor substitute for Jesus Himself." why do we run ourselves ragged doing things for Jesus, all the while, running right past His wide open arms? "see God, see how worthy I am of your love? so how much I'm doing for you? aren't you proud of me? hmmm, I wonder why I'm feeling so exhausted and unfulfilled?"



A little extension of my musings on grace....."The Hebrew word for grace means "to bend, or stoop." Love that goes upward is worship, love that goes outward is affection, love that stoops is grace."



and lastly......"Our hope in Christ enables us to come to God with open hands into which He can place what He wants and out of which He can take what should not be there." I guess I'm such a control freak when it comes to my life and what happens in it that this really hit me hard. If I'm not willing to let God have control of my present and my future, and do what He asks of me without struggle, then I am actually saying that I trust myself more than I trust God. which experience has shown me to be a rather stupid choice.



and something I was writing as I mused on all of this: "I think we have so much trouble trusting God - we allow ourselves to experience His love so little - not because we do not want or need His love, but because we are so afraid of losing it. The sensation of being loved, of true friendship and trust and devotion, is one of the most exhilarating things in the world when it hits your heart. I remember when I first knew for sure that someone I truly loved felt the same way about me.....truly loved me for some absurd and unknown reason. It's a crazy feeling. But losing something as beautiful as human love is shattering, and one of the most painful sensations. So we close off our ability to either give or receive love, and with it our ability to trust God and experience even a fraction of His love for us. and I can only imagine how it must hurt Him - in all His crazy, intense, unfathomable love - to see His precious children padlock their hearts like that, when His love is so honestly our only hope.



there are a couple of songs that we've done at my church - one is about the craziness of God's love, and I desperately want to put it up here so you can hear it (you know how some songs have as much meaning packed in the music as in the words? it's one of those, just so beautiful), but I can't find a way to do that right now. I will try though, because it's an incredible song. the other is one that Bret wrote this year, and I love it because it's all about worshipping when you don't feel like it. and not many worship songs deal with this condition (which, frankly, is more frequently my condition than otherwise). I'll put up the lyrics and a link or something to that soon. this post however, has again become ridiculously long, and I am not offended if you didn't make it this far. like I said, I think a lot of this is for me.....but after all, it is my blog, isn't it?

G.K. Chesterton wrote the absolute sweetest love letters to his wife I have ever seen outside of an Austen novel, and soon I am going to post one.

for some reason, I'm in a writing/posting mood lately. I think it's because I've been so emotional lately, and have been journaling so much. the more I write, the more I want to write more.....if that makes sense. so, this post won't be so existential and crazy emotional, I promise. maybe I'll actually write a little bit about what I've been doing, how weird would that be?

but to clear up a little more from the last posts (though they are still valid and not ancient history yet), I am doing much better. still depressed sometimes, still anxious a bit, and still very unhappy about some circumstances in life, but overall my soul - the innermost person of me - is doing much better. I am so excited because I can't believe how much closer God and I have grown over the past month! I think one of the most important things I have been learning (apart from worshipping all the time) is that when someone asks me how I'm doing, my answer should not depend solely on my circumstances. if I'm having a good or a bad day should not be determined by how much sleep I got or if I have to go to work (God forbid I should be grateful for my job!) or if my body is exhausted or healthy. I should be able to tell someone that life sucks but I'm still doing great. circumstances aren't what my humanity wants them to be, but God is good, all the time, and that is enough for me to have hope and joy and still be good.

so yes. life is a wonderful thing, despite its suckiness.

as to what I've been up to lately......mostly work, which is actually marvelous (lol I just got paid). I absolutely positively love my job at Menchie's - it is so perfect for me, and the people I work with are incredible too; it's almost like a bonus getting paychecks and free fro-yo. like, I feel so lucky just to work there. I've never felt like this about a job before, and I'm hoping it doesn't change. I mean, I love teaching piano and I'm excited that all my students are coming back this week because it's fall, but even about piano I am not usually really excited. I enjoy it, but it's just a different kind of thing. most days, even when I don't want to leave home and go to work, as soon as I get there I feel energized and the time flies by, and I love interacting with people and keeping everything just as it should be within the little Menchie's universe. I don't know why I get such a kick out of it, but I do and for that I am so grateful.

I may have said this already but I'm getting transferred from the southcenter Bath and Body Works to the supermall one. I haven't worked there in a couple of weeks because my managers don't seem to know who still has a claim to me and where to schedule me....but I'm fine with this. as I was telling Bret this weekend, I'm not sure it's the right job for me. I like the customer focuse, but not so much the product, retail-centeredness about it, or the agressive sales focus. maybe it's just a weird feeling I'm getting, but I have this vibe that maybe I won't be there much longer after I finally start working the sales floor. this could change too though - wait and see, I guess. right now I'm enjoying the occasional inventory shifts and all the free products!

school starts in two weeks, and the closer it gets the less ready I feel. especially considering that I work two schoolnights a week until at least one in the morning........ugh. but mostly it is this fragile contentment and balance I'm learning to get right now, and I know in two weeks I will feel like it's all been shattered, and it will be hard to talk to God again, and on top of that my eating and exercising habits will get worse and my self-esteem will go down again, which is the last thing I need right now. inside I am excited (like, nerdy-excited) to learn about botany and biology and possibly even some of the interesting aspects of geography; I am so psyched to play a Steinway every morning in choir, and to see old friends and feel like a college student again. but also inside is this fear of stress and forgetting about God, and this feeling that I have moved past my running start days and need to leave even Green River behind me now - that I am ready to go somewhere else and finish my growing up. but, at the same time I believe two more quarters is right right now, and God probably has plans I can't fathom yet. it's just such a struggle to keep myself from putting so much on my plate that I can't breathe anymore. but I suppose recognizing it is the first step.
AND, my word I can't even tell you how freeing it is not to have to practice piano two hours a day anymore. like, I have so much more time (which I have promptly filled up with work, of course) and my back doesn't hurt, and my anxiety is less than it used to be. I play so much less, which sometimes makes me sad, but getting back to normal with worship team stuff is really exciting, and playing just for fun is incredible, and soon I'll be practicing a bit for choir which is another really fun, energizing kind of thing. and also, we may do some TSO for Christmas with my worship team this year, which is something to give me a smile! so all in all, I'm working at balance and not drowning in piano is helping. I've realized that, while I love piano, I'm not that much of a musician. like, my piano isn't magnetic for me.....I play things I love to play, but I don't just sit down for hours and play anything and everything because it's there. but, even though this was a shock to realize over the summer, I'm adjusting to the idea and it's really kind of freeing for me - like I left a path I had explored a little too far and now I get to go somewhere new, or further down a different path.

I am getting my hair cut, on the first day of school. I am getting it cut SHORT (hallelujah!) and messy and layered and uneven. I have never had the guts to do this before, but I'm very, very excited to do it now. somehow the seasons changing always make me want to change something in my life. I cleaned out my closet today and reorganized it a bit, and got rid of some stuff I should have gotten rid of last time I cleaned out my closet. I think maybe the rain has a purging effect on me, in addition to making me want to curl up with my down blanket and chai and Chesterton forever.

next weekend is Father/Daughter camp for me and my dad.....back in June it felt lightyears away, but now I cannot believe it is coming so fast. I'm really looking forward to some time away with just the two of us - he has been working a ton lately and our family time is suffering a bit. Father/Daughter camp is this weird time where I feel like I am always the same person, and life is so simple, and even though I see how much I have grown, and often there are big changes to cope with (girls I knew getting married, having kids, people moving on, etc.), there is some core anchor that never changes - something God-ordained. it is a time of refreshing - it is challenging and healing and reassuring at the same time. even though circumstances change there (and not unfrequently), it is always, and will always be, me and my dad - and God. the 6-year-old girl that started going there so many years ago with her superhero daddy is always there, infused in the very wood of the cabin bunks, always watching the sunset over pastures and Puget Sound, and she is always there to greet me and remind me who I really am, and how good God is and that my daddy is still a superhero, kryptonite notwithstanding.

and this may be my last year at father/daughter camp - or at least my last for awhile. next year I will be in Europe or at school for both dates (there is a camp in June and one in September), and it is the first time in 13 years we will miss), and only God knows what happens after that. my dad and I agreed a couple of years ago that we would keep coming as long as I was home during camp, no matter how old - there is no age limit. but thinking about not going back in a year's time is a lot like thinking about leaving everything I know for Europe in April. makes me want to cry, even though I see what a good, necessary thing it is. my 6-year-old may always be a part of me, but I can't rely on a time or a place forever to remind me of what's at my core.....somehow I have to go into the world to discover that for myself, I cannot keep staying at home and expecting to find something new and let that make me an adult. in other words, it's not a passive thing that just happens to you. it's active and it's hard, but it's good.

as a completely random side-note and not such a happymaking one, my blood sugar has been freaking out for the last couple of weeks now. like, every single day I get all shaky at some point. and my eating habits haven't changed (haha, they are just as rotten as ever). so......that's kind of weird and I'm not sure what to do. I really don't want to go to the doctor about it; I think when it happens while I'm with my grandmother (who is diabetic) I'll check my blood sugar and see if I'm high or low or what's going on. blah.....life rushes on.

alright. I have managed to keep somewhat out of crazy big thoughts in this post and give you a nice, simple, ridiculously long update. so as Puck says, "and so goodnight unto you all!" I am going to check my shoe and see if it is dry, because it got melted frozen yogurt all over it last night and I had to clean it off with a toothbrush and I don't know if I got it all out. haha yes, at the job I love so much. so taking the garbage out is the biggest downside. :P

take me under your wing tonight
make me so perfect in your eyes
hold on, 'cause it'll be alright
you're not alone

and you'll be here, forever
forever you'll stay
and you'll promise to love me
you'll love me always
you'll love me for always.....always

it is well, with my soul. maybe not with my life or my feelings, but with my soul it is well. God is good, all the time.

I'm not sure who reads this blog anymore, but just so you know (for those of you who do), I'm going to keep posting on it. You know, every week or so. It helps me just to write things out. In fact, I've been writing almost every night for the past couple of weeks, and thanks to the processing I get from that and a whole lot of help from God, I'm doing ok these days. I know my last post was super-depressing. But I'm alright. And I'll continue to be alright.

I'm still struggling a little bit. I mean, emotionally I am a little up and down, but mostly just feeling constantly drained and constantly on the edge. You know that feeling when things set you off, make you feel hopeless or worthless or depressed or upset even though you're consciously aware that the person didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or didn't mean to make you feel that way, or that whatever they said/did wouldn't normally get to you. It's a frustrating thing because even if you can control your reactions, your feelings are still there.

Church last Sunday was fantastic. The worship was just exactly what I needed, and was such a blessing. There was one point during the music where Juli (one of our phenomenal worship leaders) was talking during a little musical interlude. It was during a song she wrote recently, about worshiping God and asking Him to reignite your passion even in the middle of struggles and pain. She put up some verses from Psalms, in which the psalmist is crying out to God, asking how much longer God is going to ignore him and leave him in his pain. And Juli said something so insightful that's been with me all week - she said all of us are or have been or will be in that same place, feeling like God is ignoring us or doesn't care about us, or doesn't have control of our situations. And she said, your feelings are valid, but they aren't necessarily grounded in truth.
That hit me so hard for some reason. I guess because we always talk about the dangers of basing our actions off of feelings, but then it's so hard to downplay your feelings because they are....well....feelings. We are human and personally I've always felt that our feelings are very important, even if they aren't necessarily good. And so I'm realizing that, even to God, our feelings are valid and we should explore what we are feeling and why we feel that way. But at the same time, our actions need to be grounded in truth.

And the main action I'm concerned about right now is worship. Just how incredibly important it is to make worship a lifestyle and a continuous action, most especially when you don't feel like doing it. I'm realizing that in some times it is the only way through rough times. Like, what on earth would I do if I chose to be angry at God and ignore Him when everything else in my life is crumbling? But if I choose instead to cry out, to pour out all my feelings, all my anxiety and fear and pain and hopelessness and depression, and still to say "You are God and you are good, all the time, and I will worship You." That's when I am aware of His presence and His love for me more than ever before. I guess these are the blessings in hard times we hear about. But it takes humility and effort to receive them - it takes worship when you don't feel like it.

My friend Bret is always saying God is good, all the time. That's been sticking with me too lately, because it's been a rough month for me and some days it's honestly hard for me to believe that He is good ALL THE TIME. That is getting better too, as I feel His comfort more and see that despite my situations, He is in control and is working things out for the best (even if I can't see it all yet). But I'm so thankful to have these wise people in my life who keep guiding me on in the right direction.

One thing I'm struggling with is the concept of grace. I mean, what on earth is grace, when it comes down to it? I realize that I've heard the word literally all of my life and I still don't understand it. I learned in AWANA that grace is a free gift from God. But so is oxygen for that matter, and Christmas presents are free gifts, but that doesn't mean I know what's inside of them, or what they actually are. For example, what does it mean to stand in God's grace? Or for His grace to be given me, what is that? What does it make me do? How does it make me feel? I guess maybe I've always equated it with patience, but I don't think that's what it is. I can ask God to give me grace but I really don't know what I'm asking for - it's not like asking Him to give me wisdom or discernment, or boldness. I still believe that patience is something you work hard for and develop, not something you magically get. So yes.....anyone who has a clue about grace, please chime in. And no offence meant, but I'm trying to stay away from theological wording. I want practical stuff.....and I'm through with religion and rituals. I want to know what this stuff actually means in my life.

Another thing I still don't have a clue about is God. That sounds weird, even to me still. But I've been talking to Him more lately, and I mean talking to Him not talking at Him. All my life, even (or especially) in prayer, I've talked at God, given Him my list and added religious, churchy words to make it sound like a good prayer. But I think that prayer, while certainly a time to bring requests to God (but humbly and in deference to His will), is just as much a time to get to know God and allow Him to know you. I mean, of course He already knows you better than you know yourself, but to allow Him in as far as you are concerned, like you would with another person. This week I've caught myself literally crying and telling God my feelings about a situation over and over again, which is so unusual - I never would have done that before. But I wasn't really talking to God before, I was just going down a list and talking to the ceiling to make myself feel accomplished. But it certainly never made me feel better. Actually talking to God and letting Him love me made me feel so peaceful, even though the situation didn't change. And having God's peace and experiencing His love makes it easier to worship Him despite bad situations.

But it is confusing to me about prayer. I am realizing that I know God very little indeed. I know about Him - I know what He is like, His attributes and whatnot. But I don't know Him personally very well yet, haven't experienced Him much, or let Him take me where He wants me to go very much yet. And I am confused what to pray for, because more and more I see that He knows best and I just want to pray that His will be done. And sometimes that means that what happens isn't what I actually want to happen. So I've taken to both telling Him what I want (which is the list method, but when you're actually talking to God and recognizing that you are asking for what you want and humbly saying that it may not be what God wants, then it's ok) and praying that what He wants is what happens, and recognizing that He is good all the time (which gives me peace because no matter what happens with my prayer request, I know He is still taking care of everything), and committing to worship Him no matter what happens. And one day at a time, I am understanding a little bit more. And I realize how little I actually do understand of the insane, counter-intuitive love of God.




There is one particular thing that I'm struggling with lately, and it has to do with family/household stuff that I can't really go into here. But the other thing I can talk about that has me really anxious lately is my worship team. Frankly, I believe we are under a spiritual attack.....physically nearly everyone has had some issue in the last year. Two of our female vocalists have had surgery this summer, our bass player had major finger troubles and is still not able to play all of his instruments (which is bad because he plays gigs for a living, in addition to teaching). Our drummer has been having trouble with sinus infections. Our percussionist, Gary, was having what we thought was rotator cuff issues, and recently found out was cancer - he was diagnosed and given 4-12 weeks to live about a week ago (this has hit me especially hard lately). Tonight we had a band practice and my dear friend Bret, who plays guitar for us, is having major stomach pain and doesn't know what's wrong yet - but he said there is a good chance he could end up in the hospital from it.

I don't mean to sound like everything in life is horrible, because it's not (I am loving my job at Menchie's, and teaching is getting back to normal, and a lot of other great things have been happening!). But you guys know how important and dear my worship team is to me - mostly because I won't shut up about it - and so I would really appreciate it if you'd pray for some of these people. And I just wanted to explain a bit about why I've been anxious and having a hard time lately. Bret fondly told me that as I haven't been sick yet, that must mean that either I'm safe or I'm next. So comforting.............

Anyway. This post has gotten a lot longer than I anticipated. I meant to give a little update, which I didn't really do at all. But I guess I needed to throw some of those things out there that have been on my mind lately. Who knows, maybe one of you needed something as well.

Oh Lord, You've searched me
You know my ways
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me, I know you Love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?

my baby gets depressed at night/all hope is gone with the twilight

within the last month or so I have been inside of this feeling

this weird feeling that everything is wrong, even though nothing in particular is wrong

and it's also the feeling that even though so many things are wrong, everything will be alright



so much of life is good right now. I'm working a lot and planning this fabulous trip to Europe. I have a lot of free time and get to hang out with my amazing friends more than ever. the weather has been, for the most part, good......and I don't have the things that normally stress me out to deal with. there is Nutella in the pantry and a book all about Dickens on the counter.



but at the same time, many things are so confusingly bad. there are family issues going on that make every day at home kind of interesting. someone I know slightly has 4-12 weeks left to live. some of my best friends are leaving and I won't see them all the time anymore. I feel like I am on the brink of something huge, and terrible, and that I really can't avoid falling in....I can only fight for awhile until I am exhausted.

lately I have been really anxious, with absolutely no cause. I mean, I'm not anxious about anything, but some nights I feel so worried in general that I could almost cry. and then I get depressed.

i don't know. a lot of it is probably just my hormones freaking out. but I think some of it is deeper too. I guess I'm at a place in my life that I always knew in my head I would get to, but never actually believed in. a couple of weeks ago I looked around (figuratively) and asked myself, how in the world did I get here? surrounded by my friends and remembering all the happy-go-lucky times when our biggest problems were transportation to sleepovers, I wondered, how did we all get here? I don't think any of us truly believed in this time, all the time we were growing up. we all thought "by the time I get to college I will be a responsible adult and won't be freaking out about my life and I will have wonderful, clear-cut direction and will be ready to move out and everything will have fallen into place."

I realize that our hormones are more or less on the rampage right now, but honestly I don't think we ever turn into that person, and that's why life keeps catching us by surprise. there will always be twists and turns and fuzzy direction (or no direction at all), we may never be truly mature or responsible, and there is ALWAYS something to freak out about and something else to cry about. at least, until we hit 30, at the very earliest.

I guess I think that if you're living life right, it's full of pain. don't get me wrong now, because it's full of joy too. but your heart can't fully feel the joy that it's meant to get out of life if it can't fully feel the pain that inevitably is going to come along with it.

and I'm not saying that my heart is in a good place and that's why I feel like crap lately. that was just kind of a side thought that crept its way into this rambling, depressing post.






anyhow, I think I am going to get some breakfast (yes, it is noon), take a shower, and then go to Goodwill, because I haven't been able to convince myself that I absolutely can't spend money right now. even though I ought to be saving every penny. *sigh*

as a quick update, I got the job at Menchie's (yay!!!!!) and will be working closing shift twice a week. I'm also getting transferred to the Auburn Bath and Body Works, which is another big yay!!!! because it's so much closer to me. only downside is that I'll be working at the Supermall. :/ but hopefully I'll be getting some more hours there soon, which is what I need. I finally got my piano student schedule worked out, and I will be teaching all seven of my students on Wednesday after school, and then promptly leaving for my shift at Menchie's until 11:00 or something like that. ridiculously long days, but I suppose I will survive. I'm rather excited for school to start, but at the same time I like my lazy days right now and don't really want them to go away.

yesterday I hung out with my friend Tanya, whom I haven't seen since school ended. we went out to an Italian place and split some tiramisu, after she devoured a plate of kalamari and I savoured a cup of chilled raspberry soup with mascarpone and toasted pine nuts. it was all very, very good, and we had some wonderful conversation catching up on life and summer. I took her down to Comstock's labyrinthine bookstore and we spent a happy hour looking through cookbooks and classics, and I bought The Friendly Dickens (like the Friendly Shakespeare, only about Dickens!) which makes me insanely, incredibly happy. it's a good thing too, because I need something to cheer me up right now.

other than that, nothing else exciting is happening. I will try to post a MUCH HAPPIER post soon!