I'm off....

no, not to see the Wizard of Ounce. not even to see the Wizard of Oz. but, even though I don't expect I'll see any, I will watch out for ohmys.

in case you forgot (or never knew in the first place), I get back September 14th, sometime around noon.
oh yes, and I leave in the morning sometime around 11:00. we fly to new jersey, leave there tomorrow night around 8:00, then arrive in India what will be sunday night there. then an overnight train ride, and we're in Lucknow monday morning. I think.

India is 11 and a half hours ahead of us (us being Seattle and corresponding time zone. you alaska people and otherwise, do the math yourselves....).

feel free to send me emails while I'm gone!!! I may not get a chance to reply, but I'll be able to check occasionally and I would really like to hear what's going on with all of you in my absense. try (pleeeeaaaase) to take care of yourselves. I know it is difficult without me around to supervise, but give it your best shot.

if you aren't on the list to get updates from me and you want to be, let my mom know. she's in charge of all that stuff for awhile.





and if you want to come play my piano to keep it from going out of tune, that would be cool. and Cosi plays flute and has some duets with her that she'll be bringing. she comes next Saturday sometime.









alright. I love you all!!!!!!! take care of yourselves!!!!!!!!! don't have too much fun without me, okay??? and don't let Cosi eat all of my Nutella either. that's currently my biggest concern.

that next cloud could be a really, truly castle, with enchanted princess and fire-breathing dragon and charming prince all really, truly there

There once lived a young girl, who, as she grew older, forgot how to say no to things and so - by overloading herself with too many activities - felt and acted much older than she actually was. Once a talanted and blossoming writer, she let her talent (and probably her imagination as well) grow rusty by not practicing. Gradually, she lost the ability to set words in their proper place, until one day she realized that she was actually trying to twist and manipulate them.

"Aha," she thought. "Perhaps this is why my little things never turn out anymore. I shall have to discover some method of putting this to rights again."

And so the young girl decided to start a grand and adventurous quest to discover her imagination. Of course, the proper word should probably be 'rediscover,' as she had once had it but had lost it. The girl decided to start with some of the things which made her feel most imaginative.

There were of course her many role models: Dickens, Austen, Tolkien, Lewis, and so many other of those great authors whose works are tragically looked over by the general populus nowadays. Notwithstanding, the girl felt that she had been creating only, "mediocre copies of another man's genius" since she lost her imagination. No, role models were no good. She wanted to put something of herself into this new magnum opus. Surely it would include great, interesting words which she had yet to learn, and some French (which grammar would almost certainly contain errors), and most likely accents of an exotic variety and description. But all this aside, there was a certain somethingness of enigmaticallity which was deep within her - but which she had yet to discover.

There was the way a bass could both quiver and throb. There was the wheat of Elysium which only comes to the true of heart, in their dreams. There was Nutella. There was poetry. There was romance and heartbreak such as had never been felt before. There was villany, but ultimately a happy ending. There were Carnations and Sweet William. There was a truly wonderous teacher. And there were old, faded books that smelt of must, in a dusty library with a rolling, gilt-framed ladder.

And thus began the adventure of a lifetime. The girl began her journey with but a single step, as the poet has said. And the step was this: realization. She one day stopped, took a look about her, and realized the great, gaping, black hole which not writing had dug about her. And she realized that she must immediately start some catching-up work in order to correct the error of neglect.

The step of realization accomplished, she moved on to the next. Regrettably, the poet has failed to record any information as to this very necessary stage of operations. The girl was left to find it out for herself.

She decided to sleep on it, and see if morning wouldn't shed some light on the subject, and bring everything back to order in the end.

exit, pursued by a bear

I don't really have much to say tonight.
except that I'm really excited because I bought a huge Disney princess coloring book for the plane trip today!!! I already colored the first picture, of Cinderella and Jaq and Gus-Gus. I'm very very very very excited to color it more on the plane!

we spent almost the entire afternoon shopping. but I'm almost completely packed. a few more clothes to pull together (including a trip to Goodwill tomorrow), and those last-minute things like toilettries and whatnot. but I'm feeling a lot better. I found a classroom clock and Bingo cards that focus on colors and shapes. The Oreos and goldfish crackers are bubble-wrapped and in my suitcase. I'm set. just five or six more lesson plans to write over the next two days, and dozens of flashcards to print, and Bingo number cards to make. easy as pie.



I made my mom help me decide which books to take. between my Bible, Hindi books, and pleasure books, I had way too many. and I wanted to take like five in my carry on. which obviously doesn't work so well.
ultimately she forced me to give up a Tale of Two Cities in favor of Nicholas Nickleby. she said I couldn't have both. it was one or the other.
talk about an ultimatum.

so I grabbed the ToTC bookmark and stuck it in NN. if I can't have the book, at least I can have my picture of Sydney Carton looking like an absolute hero with the guillotine in the background. I can dream about him. :P *sigh*

I swear, I'm getting so mushy lately. so middle-school-HSM-girl-ish. today we went and got our blood pressure taken (my mom and I) at the fire station. by a big, buff, really cute fireman. it was very nice. I told my mom "we should do this more often."
but I am convinced (in my perfectly-ordered, optimistic, fairy-tale mind) that there is a Sydney Carton out there for me. I may never find a Mr. Darcy. I'm resigned to the fact that such a perfect man does not exist outside of Austen (this is why we re-read Pride and Prejudice so many times). so I've discovered, all men have their flaws. okay, fine.
so now my solution is to find the most screwed up man there is (aka Sydney Carton), have him fall desperately and irrevocably in love with me, and when I blow him off without realizing what I'm missing (in order to marry Mr. Prince Charming with absolutely no depth of character), he will completely reform and end up dying for my happiness, thus acquitting himself of all past sins.


good solution?
bah. I think I shall end an old maid, and teach all of your ten children to embroider cushions and play their instruments very ill.









this morning my dad took me out for breakfast, to Denny's. it was pretty awesome. Denny's is where we used to go when I was little, and we haven't been in years. every now and then, when I went in to work with him, he would take me to Denny's as a surprise. it was kind of our own special place to go.
so it was nice that nowadays, even though I'm being a stupid 17-year old and he's been a teenager's father (who by rule knows absolutely nothing), we could go and have a date and make jokes like old times. and it wasn't even awkward. talking is a good thing, though increasingly rare these days.



afterwards, we went to the school to have a meeting with some person in running start about my books and blah blah blah. not important. except that we got my booklist, and some of my books. for Shakespeare we're reading Titus Andronicus and Winter's Tale. I'm happy about that because those are practically the only ones I really don't know anything about.
though by the end of the quarter I may not like them one bit, knowing how college teachers can sap the magic right out of just about anything.
in Intro to Novels, we have like seven books. it's ridiculous. Two are short ones by Dostoyevsky; those should be good. and we're doing Persuasion, which I'm unbelievably excited about! then a bunch of other random ones that really look no good at all. today I wasted a good $14 on The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. killed my Barnes and Noble gift card. *sadface* I read the intro and that alone used some pretty awful language and seemed to be taking the story line absolutely nowhere. one of the other books - a nice long one, of course - looks equally uninteresting and inappropriate. there's a couple of others I've never heard of that I haven't had a chance to look up yet. I'm thinking though, that SparksNotes may become my new best friend for a couple of these books. bleh........



anyway, on to happier subjects. after that meeting, Cosi called and we talked for a good hour and a half, between me and my mom. it'll be the last time I talk to her before she comes, since I leave Saturday. she's really excited to come, but she told me it still doesn't seem real. she's going to school every day with her friends (in Germany summer break is already over) and she can't believe that in a week's time she'll be in New York. crazy.
but we're all very excited for her to get here. and I'm constantly reminding her not to eat all the Nutella while I'm gone, or I'll be very upset.




*sigh* I'm ready for bed. so, so, so ready for bed. tonight there will be no alarm clock, and the curtains shall be closed. the last thing I need to do is exhaust myself and get sick right before I leave. there is some stupid cold/flu bug going around that I really don't want. I'm hoping that barricading myself indoors for the next two days will do the trick. I'll take one of those nasty Airborne tablets before I leave Saturday morning.




*another sigh* goodnight, world!

i'm sorry....it's another one of those heavy, late-night posts

this is so strange. I've never felt oppression like this before.

with each day, as THE day gets closer and closer, I feel more restless and less at peace. as evidenced by my previous post, things are just a little strange in my feelings and emotions. restlessness, friction...it's definitely different. for the last couple of months it's been hanging around, even growing stronger as my trip gets closer.

all I can conclude is that I must be doing something right, or the spiritual attacks wouldn't be so strong.

I was thinking about it today. last week I woke up to the phone ringing - it was my dear penpal (who's exactly 50 years older than me), calling to let me know that his wife had passed away in the early morning. it wasn't really unexpected by any means, but it's still difficult to handle. she was an incredibly sweet, amazing woman, and they just doted on each other and fulfulled each other so much. needless to say, that wasn't the best start to my day. such a helpless, where-are-you-God feeling.

over the past month, two very close friends of mine have been juggling medications for bi-polar, depression, and crap like that. it's tough to deal with, to be around, and it hurts to see them hurting while it's all being figured out. I love them both so dearly, but there's nothing I can do except stay with them through the tough times, and support them, and pray for them, and let them know that they aren't really crazy....it's just medication. but it still sucks.

some of our very closest friends from our old church are in the middle of an ugly divorce. it's the kind of thing you never expected to happen. it's the first time something like this has happened to someone I'm close to. I don't understand it at all. there's so much bad in the world that's kind of slapping me in the face right now.

this morning I woke up and my back was really sore. for no reason at all. it's been sore all day and it's still sore now. and I've been sneezing all day. I feel like I'm being attacked emotionally and physically.

this past week two of my friends who were dating each other broke up. I have to say that I knew it would happen, and guessed it would happen last week. I've more or less been waiting for it. but I've been talking with the girl a fair bit about all the after-affects, because we're pretty good friends and she trusts me, and it just all sucks. majorly. they had no business getting together, and they both knew it, but did it anyway. and now it's over, and I'm in the very awkward situation of being both their friends still. today at church was...interesting, to say the least.

and through all this, I'm trying to get everything ready to go - every spare minute I have I'm getting ready for India. and it's important, and (don't get me wrong) I love it. but I'm starting to get exhausted. my body is starting to feel the attack, the oppression. yesterday I was so tired at worship practice. I haven't been eating enough so I get weak. and I didn't have fun. it sounds ridiculous, but it was just the thing I had set my hopes on - my last church service for over a month, and I was on worship, and it was supposed to be a blast. but it was just so strange. even though I did really well - didn't even bomb the pretty piano solo parts - something just felt off. prayer made it feel better for a time. it seems to be the only thing that wards off this feeling. running to the Father in desperation, giving up because it's more than clear to me that I can't fight this on my own.

last night we stayed at Frankie's really late talking to our substitute electric guitarist. I mean really late in the sense that we normally leave at 10:00 when they close, and we stayed till 11:00 when they kicked us out, then talked outside for another 15 minutes. it was an amazing conversation. which is strange, because it was about the divorce he and his wife are going through.

but the strangest part is, he's the most joyful person I've ever seen in my life right now. he's not happy about the divorce - it's tearing him to shreds inside. but so many good things are happening in his life right now because he's completely given up all control to God. he's not even trying to give directions anymore - God is driving now. and it's the most amazing thing, to see how much he is encouraging others, how much he is learning about himself and his wife, and how HONEST and OPEN he is to anybody. he's so much more mature. he makes himself available for God to use him any and every second. and all the fear is gone. all the expectations are gone. he's a man with absolutely nothing to hide.

this is radical Christianity. it's what I've been looking for and thinking about for the last three years but not finding. and this guy is only 25. 25 years old, in the middle of a divorce, and so head-over-heels in love with God that he can worship with every breath in his body, encourage others who suppose that they have it all together, and be an incredible example of joy to every Christian around him. something clicked last night. I get it now. this joy thing. I didn't understand it before, even though I tried. I understood happiness, and I knew that joy was different. but I think I saw a glimpse of Paul singing in a prison cell, last night.

anyway, I hate to be such a downer with all the restlessness stuff from further up. I'm just kind of putting everything out right now and not bothering about what it says. it's the truth, how I feel right now. all those illustrations are just things I was thinking on today - things that have affected me deeply recently, and created this feeling within me.

feelings are just terrible things, by the way. but that could be a whole different discussion at another time...

like I said, the only thing that helps is running to the Father. worship. the comfort of the scriptures. David talks so much in the Psalms about restlessness, and finding comfort and consolation in meditating on God's word and the incredible things He has done in the past, even when at times he can't hear God's voice. Jesus said He brings peace to the world, and that when we come to Him, He will give us rest - rest for weary souls.

I have a weary soul. I'm ready for rest.

today has been better. my church prayed over me and two others who are going away soon for missions. to feel their hands on me asking God's protection - to keep constantly reminding myself of the truth in God's Word.....all these things He promises - this is rest. to go to Him-

not go, but to run full bore, tripping and stumbling and getting up again, and not stopping until I collapse in His arms-

this is rest.

to hear words of comfort and know that they are absolutely true. not some made-up "it's going to be alright" even when you know it might not, but really truly comforting words that bring rest to a restless soul, and joy where the heart has been dry for years - this is rest.

pray for me. I know each day will only get harder. I'm in a dark place, going to a darker place, and only by running to God every second can I get through it. it's not a one-time thing, and that's the struggle. every second is a battle. I have to keep His truth before me all the time so I don't forget it and start sinking again. it's like Peter walking on water. as soon as I take my eyes away and start to lose faith, and look at how big the waves are rather than how big my God is, then I start sinking.

but I have so much hope right now. I am so excited for next week. I am so comforted by the truth. I know that all will be well. I know it deep in my heart, in my soul. I am convinced of it. and nothing is more effective in banishing the Devil than a child of God absolutely convinced that her Father is holding, protecting, sheltering, and comforting her wherever she is. Satan doesn't have any business being near me, because I am God's. restlessness can drive me crazy or it can drive me to my Father and my Savior. and I get to choose which it is.

and when I choose my Father, then Satan cannot touch me.

and that's a comforting thought.

*sigh*

DISCLAIMER: after writing this post, I have realized that it's ridiculous and probably quite confusing. this is me at 3:00 in the morning. read at your own discretion. I won't be offended if you think I'm crazy by the end....just keep in mind that it's me at 3:00 in the morning. and that should be apology enough.

I'm sitting here. eating an Almond Joy I bought on the commute to camp. at 3:00 AM.

I've been "so busy" (and I know you've all heard it) this whole week. I've made enough time to practice - just barely - seeing as I'm on worship this weekend and my teacher is overjoyed that I'm finally home for more than two days at a time. I've come to the realization that I'm playing two of the most amazing songs ever written for my recital next May. Rhapsody in Blue, and Chattanooga Choo Choo. I'm really excited that I'm finally branching out into a different style!! and the songs make me soooooo happy. they keep my thoughts and emotions busy, when I play.

which is important right now. because when I'm not trying to finish my TEFL course, or working on my lesson plans for India, or trying desperately to get a grasp on Hindi tenses, or packing, then I'm remembering the big gap in my heart and trying not to think about it or I'll start working up tears. and that's the last thing I need now, now that my parents think I'm over the Whatever-it-is that Jacob was talking about. (by the way, is this something that we get over? it seems to be a lasting sort of disease.)

I'm getting plenty of sleep. I "practiced" with a sleeping pill a few nights ago, for the plane ride to India (did I already talk about that? can't remember....I'm losing it). I'm getting a good 8-9 hours on normal nights. nevertheless, I am restless once again.

oh, I guess you probably didn't know I used to be restless, did you?

I think it's a combination of many things. but there was a time, several months ago, when no matter what was going on something was always missing. and I was just - restless.

and now it's back. I've been dreaming about the same person almost every night this week. and they're just random, nothing-happens kind of dreams. but I'll see this person in a couple of days and I'm both nervous and excited about it so that's probably why. it's a very subconcious kind of thing.

I realized today how incredibly much I miss my worship team. I'm on worship this weekend, but I'm substituting on another team. and so are three other people....it's kind of a mish mash of musicians. so it'll be interesting. I've had zero creativity this week so that's making it worse.

but anyway, back to the point (if I have one).

I've said to some of you before - my worship team is like having a bunch of doting uncles. there's Roger, our leader, who is just Uncle Roger because that's the way it is. he's amazing and means the world to me, because I know I matter to him. and not many people have a person like that in their lives.

and then there's Phil, who plays bass. he's going to start performing as Uncle Phil soon. he's just fun....laid back but fun. he kind of fills the empty spaces, but when he's not there it's like this big gaping hole.

Derrik is our drummer - another laid back kind of guy who is easy to talk to and can relate to just about anything. it sounds superficial, but it isn't. it's hard to explain. he's such an uncle kind of person, once you get to know him.

Chad is our newest addition. he's too young to be an uncle (he's just 20-something), but I get to tease him because he's newer than I am. so we have fun with it.

and lastly there's Bret. Bret is amazing, and I think half of my restlessness is because of him. I get this way when he's not around. I don't know why. it just happens.

this post is getting choppy.

Bret is.....hard to describe. he's enigmatical. he's a May person, if that helps. stubborn as heck, very moody, emotional. he's a lot like my dad in some ways. in other ways, he's so different. he has some issues, some battles, that are old and go deep. but he's so humble and so mature.

and he knows every band that was ever in creation, who the members were, every album they ever made and every song they ever put on it. and pretty much every simile he uses has a musician in it somewhere, no matter what he's talking about.

(though that's usually music as well).

that's it - Bret's a musician. and as a rule they are just enigmatical and impossible to describe. and oh so endearing at the same time. stupid charisma.

it's strange. he's not the kind of person I would normally like. not the kind I should like (as if there are rules to this kind of thig). he's.....rough around the edges. he smokes. he occasionally swears. and after Saturday night service he has a beer with his pizza instead of a Coke. scandalous, I know. normally that would turn me off so much.

and yet I find myself standing next to him outside while he has a cigarette, just so we can hang out and talk. or not talk.....just stand there and be together.

I know. it doesn't make any sense. but he's too sweet not to love.

I think it's because he noticed me first, and now I'm used to him. so when he's not around (he's been gone a ton lately, and so have I) I get jumpy. restless. he friended me on facebook when I had like five friends. and he taught me about stage presence, and encouraged me by telling me I was amazing even when I sucked at keyboarding back at the beginning. and always offering to buy me food (and making sure I got some of his) even when I insisted I wasn't hungry. and really wasn't.

and in short, I guess he just cared. like Roger. I think some people go through so much of life without anyone like that. somebody who will listen to you talk about the most pointless things and actually care about it. and then you're left there wondering why the heck they bothered.

*sigh*

so here I am. restless. so much to do and so little motivation. I just want to bleed some more emotions onto my piano, but at 3:00 in the morning that doesn't work so well. in 12 hours I'll be at the church. I need to sleep between now and then. but I don't want to.

it's no good trying to be tired when you're restless and empty.

I miss you guys like crazy. I miss too many people right now. and here I go, leaving the country for a month. am I excited? yes and no. I know good things will happen on the trip. but it's so hard to leave. and I know it's going to be a tough trip. good, but probably not fun. and I want to stay so badly right now. there's too much happening, I feel like I'm missing so much. and there's another month to miss people. and the months seem to be slipping away too quickly.

I guess what I want is to just have another weekend with my normal team. we'd have a ton of fun, make non-noticeable mistakes (as Bret taught me, if you make a mistake - play it twice and call it jazz), and hang out a Frankie's over pizza and Coke until they close. stay out too late, get up too early, do the services, and be closer to each other than we were last time. and each time it's harder to leave once the stage is cleaned up. I never thought it would be like this.

Roger told me I would have fun. I didn't really believe him. I thought - everyone on this team is about thirty years older than me. what fun is that?

but now, here I am, restless as heck and missing my team and the times we had. and praying so hard that we'll have them again, when I get back. that things will go back to normal. that I'll have time to breathe and stop being stressed and restless.

so I pray.

this time it's all that I've got/words hit the page like gunshots

well, I leave in 10 days. it's getting closer and the more I try not to stress the more I feel like pulling my hair out.
ah well. it'll all pull together. I just wish I spoke Hindi a lot better than I do.....











but what I really wanted to write about was camp. I decided I don't like coming to my page and seeing I AM SO DEPRESSED first thing. so I may as well drag myself out of the pit of despair and try to remember the amazing happiness of last week. however painful it may be not to have it anymore. :(
so, here goes.


breathe it deep and say goodbye
the saddest song I'll ever write for anyone, anytime
breathe it deep before I say
I can feel it slip away
You're almost gone
You're good as gone
August is over


from now on, Tom Bombadil will always remind me of Goat Peak. muffins, of Ode to Joy (or, for Anna's benefit, Beethoven's 9th). dolphins........well, you know.



the last night and the last morning were the best, for me. even though the whole field idea didn't work out quite the way we expected, it was still amazing. thank you so much Jacob, for organizing it. I still can't quite believe you got permission to do it!
and then the hike...waking up at 5:30 instead of 5:00 and getting dressed in a rush in order to be there in time for sunrise. seeing a deer - who btw gave us a very queer look as we started up the mountain - poor Sarah getting sick half way up, and then freaking us out but finally joining us at the top. that view, that sunrise. granola bars.
getting my shoes full of dirt coming back down.

trying to sing alto and ending up playing the bass part on piano for the organ voicing instead.

daydreaming with everyone about the rainstorm and how we would run, skip, dance, sing, and jump in it, during chapel. I'm sure nobody paid any attention to what poor Pastor McFaul said during that session.
and then of course the rain would stop before chapel got out.
so then of course we would jump in the puddles late that night....sneaking out of snack time and speed stacking. or at least it felt like sneaking out. I'm pretty sure we were supposed to be in there...
but it was just TOO noisy.



a late-night really intimate talk with God.



getting shushed by Mrs. Busby about ten times the first night....and only stopping when she finally came over to stop us forcibly. :(


"children and mud puddles....I know nothing!"


oh man the skits were so fantastic this year! and all the inside jokes that came from them as well. and for those of you who have seen it on facebook, the perfectly blasphemous Dolphin shorter catchecism. I believe I butchered the spelling on that.
thank you Jacob, so much, for the CD's. =) and for apologizing for everything last week. it's your fault, you know.

oh yes, and I'm really sorry you got in trouble for the morning hike. that sucks.
but it was worth it. :D



we're off to see the Wizard,
the Wonderful Wizard of Ounce!
we hear she is a whiz of a Wiz,
with gallons of magical bounce!
if ever oh ever a Wiz there was
the Wizard of Ounce is one because
because, because, because, because, BECAUSE!!!!!!
because of the measurement things she does! (da DA DA da DA DA da DA - dum!)
we're off to see the Wizard,
the Wonderful Wizard of Ounce!!!!



me and Caity being terrified of ohmys all week. and Anna kept lying and saying there were ohmys about when there really weren't.
*sticks tongue out at Anna*



seeing Jacob and Sarah and Crystal, and all those other people we never get to see except at camp.

and Lucy showing up that morning.....I nearly died, lol. I was SO surprised!!!!

hot chocolate, oh so rich hot chocolate, every morning at breakfast.

pretending that first long stretch on Goat Peak was Mt. Doom, and everyone deciding they were so-and-so from LotR. and me eventually giving up on Pippin because I don't have the stamina of a hobbit.
and Anna kept telling me to "think Caradhras, not Mt. Doom!" I've got news for you dear, it didn't work. maybe if there had been snow up there this year, then it would have worked.
but of course there wasn't.
'twas brillig, and the slithy tove
did gire and gimble in the wabe
all mimsy were the borogove
and the mome raths outgrabe

can you guys believe that we tied on the 2nd story window game???? I was so surprised!! we all kept messing up though and it was just so hilarious by the end...
especially when Becca absolutely saved our lives by singing Hickory Dickory Dock all by herself. that was pretty amazing.
and I <3 baby shark.
and I wish Libby had been there to do the Banana Split song. because only she can, really.



singing all the way over the pass on the ride back. and stopping because our ears were popping so we couldn't hear ourselves. and not singing more later because we were too busy talking.
begging Pastor Harris to "accidently miss" the exit to the church, so that we'd have to stay in the van longer.
pulling into the parking lot and still not wanting to get out of the van. we might let the time warp magic out. we might find real life waiting outside, ready and lying in wait to smack us in the face. we might find eager parents wanting to pull us all away from each other, with the very best of intentions.
we did find. we did.








reading Great Expectations after midnight by the light of a glowstick. knowing I'd be up in five hours to see the sunrise. still....not tired.

celebrating Lucy's birthday and my half-birthday and the start of camp hope all on the same day, and not forgetting my parents' anniversary.

buying candy that I didn't even have time to eat.

writing in everyone's books....trying to keep track of mine and hand the one I'd just finished signing back to the right person. it almost worked.



I am the Wicked Witch of the West. You killed my sister - prepare to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!



*sigh* some things aren't made to last. if they did, they wouldn't be so special.
it just makes it hard to leave, to stop. to say goodbye.



at the shrine of friendship never say die
let the wine of friendship never run dry
here's to you
and here's
to me




I swear, Camp Hope is a wormhole. a time warp. it makes us all kids again. never mind drama - it can still be there. it's gonna have a place, no matter what. but we wave goodbye to responsibility for five days. the only thing you really have to worry about is the common sense stuff. don't do anything stupid and you won't get in trouble.
well.....
.......define stupid......

anyway
maybe that's why coming back is so stressful. all of a sudden, BAM! here comes that responsibility you left at home. and you remember what a teenager is. not a kid, but someone turning into an adult. and turning into an adult takes a ton of work. thank God for the five days of the year when we get to be all together, with nobody reminding us about real life.
real life. who needs it anyway?

take me down to the river like a little child
take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes
I never knew my self until I ripped off my disguise

I'm drowing
but I don't care
'cause when you've got what I got
what I got
who needs air?


















all this to say, then:
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE CAMP HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was only a moment ago

I AM SO DEPRESSED.
drat it.
nobody is on chat. not facebook or gmail. I am super-tired and i need to unpack. but the only thing I seem to be able to do is look at pics from last week on facebook, and cry. and laugh, and cry some more.
and wish my sunburn wasn't peeling.
and watch the Wizard of Oz.

and try to make my parents understand. but they don't. and things keep coming to my memory when I see something that somehow reminds me of camp. but it only makes sense to me.

this is what it felt like when I had to leave my India team at the Portland airport when we got home. so many hugs, so many tears, and so little sleep because of so many memories.








excuse this highly depressing post. something with all the fun times and funny quotes will be along soon. but right now, I'm still down in the hole. it wasn't like this the first two years. as I've grown closer to all of you, it's been a million times harder to say goodbye. it's like you're being ripped away from something. especially when you know you won't see them again for at least a whole year. at that point, blogs and chat just don't cut it anymore. but there's nothing you can do about it.
and the years are running out. we won't be teenagers forever.

I was watching the end of the Wizard of Oz today. it was the part where Dorkey has to say goodbye to the Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man. I just about started crying while they were all crying, because that's exactly how I feel. it's like, getting through the day is just some habit I have to get back into. but it really isn't at all enjoyable without every single one of you there. no matter how hot it is outside.











this morning we went to church and I had to say goodbye to a very dear friend. she leaves for Romania in the morning, and then I leave for India before she comes back. before I come home from India, she leaves again, for college in MN. I won't see her again till Christmas.
she came to church just to say goodbye, even though she didn't really have time. I slipped out halfway through the sermon and we talked for most of the rest of church, out in the foyer.
we just didn't know how to say goodbye. and there have been far too many goodbyes between yesterday and this morning.

then we spent the day as a family. saw the Taming of the Shrew at Shakespeare in the Park, in Bonney Lake. it was really good, but really hot to be outside for two hours.
then we went to Lake Meridian with Cillian and he swam for a long time.
and then we went on a walk. and I felt like I was sleepwalking for most of it because I was so dead tired.
so we came home.
and here I am, wide awake, luggage strewn haphazardly about the floor, waiting to be unpacked. tomorrow I start hard-core preparing for India. I'm trying to tell myself not to stress but I am really stressed.
I should just go to bed. it's too late to get anything productive done that might make me feel better inside. it's just a big gash that will take time to heal.

this aftermath of camp is almost lower than the high was during camp. :(