I've been wondering - why was I so scared to turn 17? I think part of it's because I remember when I joined blogger and I thought people like Em, Sam, etc. were really old. I mean - 17! they were 'old' teenagers. more mature. smarter. and I think when you reach that age and realize that you don't have it all together, you kind of freak out. unless you've already accepted it.
and I'm beginning to realize that no matter how much you tell the tweens/early teens that it's going to be the same for them, they won't listen. I didn't. why should they? it's always, "well I'm different." my situation is different. something is different for them so they won't be the same as you. no parent problems, no car problems, never fifty different things vying for all of your attention at the same time.
I guess I'm just frustrated to realize that I'm one of the 'old' kids now, and though I always said I would be different (because, well, my life was perfect, right?), I'm not. I'm in the same boat. but I'm ok with that. I really hope one of these days someone will get to be 17 and prove me wrong like they say they will at 13. that would be really cool.
it's a really strange thing with me - whenever I smell bug spray, especially if there's lots of deet in it, I think of India. right now of course, it doesn't take a lot to make me think of India. but today at school from some unknown place I got this huge whiff of deet, and the small amount of attention I had been paying to my English teacher vanished in a hurry. it's pretty crazy - India smell is this mix of diesel fuel, dirt, garbage, spices, flowers, and deet. all put together, it's not very nice. but you get back home and open your suitcase and it still has India smell in it. and you smile, because there's a lot of memories with India smell. I've always thought it was crazy how strong the sense of smell is tied to the brain, to memories.
to switch topics again, I am very frustrated today. I've always been a perfectionist, when it comes to school and to extracurricular stuff I'm devoted to. that's why I try not to take on too many things at once - I like to give everything, all my focus, to one thing at a time. knowing I got a bad grade for a stupid formatting reason really irritates me. for once, I would like a teacher to see content instead of formatting, and to see a student instead of.....whatever it is teachers see us as. a filled chair? a grade? a paycheck? I'm so mad at teachers.
additionally, my piano teacher wants way more practice than I can give her. just when I thought I was back to doing fairly well. pfffttt. *is not happy*
then, like I said earlier, I feel like everything else in life wants ALL my attention. and I can't give all. I can only give some. why does most of life have to be an all-or-nothing kind of demand? mom wants all my free time to be family time. I would like to get a job for summer when I'm not teaching. dad wants me to golf. my french teacher wants 1/2 hour a day of study. I need a lot of Hindi (as in a TON). other people want other things. life is this crazy thing. and I don't mind it being crazy as long as everyone agrees on what we're doing. I'm not used to this tension thingy.
but I know you didn't really come here to hear all this. I'll leave you with this sweet thought from my Perspectives class:
David Livingstone (missionary to Africa) said this: "People talk of the sacrifice I have made in spending so much of my life in africa. Can that be called a sacrifice which is simply paid back as a small part of a great debt owing to our God, which we can never repay? Is that a sacrifice which brings its own blest reward in healthful activity, the consciousness of doing good, peace of mind, and a bright hope of a glorious destiny hereafter? Away with the word in such a view, and with such a thought! It is emphatically no sacrifice. Say rather it is a privilege. Anxiety, sickness, suffering, or danger, now and then, with a foregoing of the common conveniences and charities of this life, may make us pause, and cause the spirit to waver, and the soul to sink, but let this only be for a moment. All these are nothing when compared with the glory which shall hereafter be revealed in and for us. I never made a sacrifice."
Psh! "Not what you're here for." Pshaw times ten. I come here to read about my Kacy! Though that was a really cool quote at the end. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, fifty different things pulling you fifty different ways and a to-do list that never seems to shrink.
Try not to worry about it. Don't worry about the things you can't get done, can't fit into your schedule. Go the other way: try and enjoy being so busy and the rest you get when you sleep for being so tired from being so busy. There will be time again later for reading and boredom. Remember when you used to be bored? You wish you were bored again, with all these pressures over whelming you; but being busy is way better than being bored.
*finishes rant*
ummm, actually, i like being bored better . . . lol.
ReplyDeletebut i thought that was a VERY cool thing at the end, about the "no sacrifice" thing. it's something i deffinatly need to remember more often.
yeah, it was kind of an eye-opener for me, because I think as Christians we often talk about not offering something to God if we don't have to sacrifice. but maybe, really, that's just justification for what we're offering. so we don't feel guilty anymore. because it sounds, well...churchy.
ReplyDeletewe can never really sacrifice. we can be uncomfortable and in pain and in want - because we're humans in stupid human bodies, but God's given us a bigger gift than we can ever repay. so we really can't sacrifice, if we look at serving Him with literally everything as a privilege.
*finishes rant* ha-ha, JK.
thanks Lindy. you make me feel better. :) though I have to say I've rarely been bored. I think only children occupuy themselves when alone more easily than people with siblings. but I'll give it a try...enjoying being busy, I mean. it would be easier if my mom would try it too. it seems she is always upset that I'm too busy and we don't have family time.
stupid homework. there's one thing I'll never get. you're done with school! (don't forget your five hours of homework....)
:P okay, I'm really done now.
Wow. I just discovered daylight savings time is on Sunday. and I'm on worship this weekend, which means I'm already short on sleep.
ReplyDeletedrat.
here's a question (yeah, it's a school thing): what's one thing you would change about the public school system?
like, uniforms, WASL, that kind of thing. I need ideas!
sunshine. it's a good thing.
Yeah, I agree with Lindy- this is exactly what we come to blogs for. :-) *hug* You'll find a way to master all of it, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteyeah, no pressure Emily but you are kind of the role model for all of us who are younger than you. which is almost all of us.
ReplyDeleteyou and Lucy together. :)
What to change in the public school. Where to start...
ReplyDeleteI would say train the teachers to cater to their students individual need better, cause no one is the same and need different things.
*coughs* I object! To the only child verses one with siblings, thing. You'd be amazed what I've done to entertain myself over the years. Maybe. Well, maybe not AMAZED. Well....
lol
Hello!!! I'm going to be 18 next month!