I see/the sinner seek devotion/the lost become chosen/and I fall to my knees....

I found out today, that I am incredibly - naive, dense, slow, idiotic, and extremely loved by God and even people despite all that.

I realized that after playing the same songs through practice and three services, I finally understood the meaning and listened to the words enough to worship God. I finally realized that being on worship was something I wanted. I want to use my talent to lead others into the worship I felt in my heart today. especially the youth group. excuse me, MY youth group.

I "got" the sermon after the third time listening to it.

the reading from Isaiah astounded me only the third time I heard it. "He bore our sorrows." suddenly I thought of a couple specific sorrows I'd been trying to bear alone. what an idiot I am! God already bore them for me. and He's still here bearing them with me now.

coming home, I was so glad, in my heart truly glad, for the three inches of snow. in my mind, the most beautiful thing in the world is our northwest evergreen trees all dusted with white. and as I was glad, a giant flock of tiny little sparrows lifted out of a field and moved across the road as one body instead of many, and with such speed. and I started laughing to see such talent! then God turned to me and said, "I taught them how to do that." and I was amazed and so in love.

later in the day I made some papadum, and listened to big band/swing trying to dance with my mom ("it's a shame you don't know the lady's part!"), and we went on a walk. then I did something extremely stupid, was naive, and I felt like an idiot. we don't need to say more than that (because it's extremely embarassing *blushes*). but it gave me a headache and I felt awful. and I NEVER get headaches.
and then I talked to close friends and that cheered me up, and I played from my heart and that calmed me down. and I got things ready for a nice, easy quarter doing things I love. I hope to make friends. I hope to slow down, say no to some things, learn a lot and be a lot. I hope to be ready for summer when it comes. I hope to see God do amazing things by believing He can. and I hope I'm contagious.


and then I fell into a peaceful sleep thinking about my romance.