the undiscovered country

aaj meri sal-girah hai. main satrah hun.
today is my birthday. I am seventeen.

this is what I'll say tomorrow when we go visit my friend at the Indian restaurant. he's really amazing. I'll try and get a picture of us to post. I've started carrying my camera around with me everywhere, in my purse.

it's cold outside, but I don't feel cold...

so here it is, late, the night before my seventeenth birthday. I've been freaking out about this for months now. It's past 10:30, but I'm not tired. maybe it's the Cold Stone sugar buzz kicking in.
my head is filled with french and school, movie music and alarm clocks, tears and friends, that smell of Indian food mixed with my tires peeling out as I'm late for piano and super-low on gas. a lot has changed in the past year.
I spent my day thinking back....the India team with whom I spent my sixteenth birthday, the fact that I can count to 70 in French but not in Hindi really bugs me. I'm thinking about trying to get a tutor. I'm too lazy and undisciplined to go this on my own.
I've made some really incredible friends in the last year, and grown much closer to the ones I already had. huge plans have come into my life, as other "set plans" have changed. I'm playing a Chopin waltz, Maple Leaf Rag, and Rhapsody in Blue all at the same time. I joined the worship team - something that terrified me, and I can actually admit I'm glad I did it.
we moved, and part of me changed too. part of me is still homesick for fresh air and a million stars. most of me still curls up and tries to hide when I have to go to the sketchy library or pump my own gas.
sometimes I feel like I'm being pulled in thirty-eight different directions, and everyone thinks they have the same say over me. from my piano teacher loading up Hanon and seventh chords, to all that pointless English homework, to worship music, to youth group, to friends (who I'd rather give my time to), and chores and all those little daily things. everybody wants part of me that I don't especially want to give them. what happened to "me" time? what happened to a good book and our old gas fireplace?
this year I got real a little more than ever before, and pretended slightly less that I used to. I experienced some love triangles and realized that growing up is even harder than Adventures in Odyssey makes it out to be. I bought "teenage clothes." I attempted to show the world that homeschooling can successfully produce educated, mature, and non-sheltered people. I'm not sure if I succeeded or failed.

this year I had some major ups and some major downs. I started turning into my own person, not my parents' miniature. that has caused for some friction, and some freedoms. I guess it'll all be worth it, but I still don't want to pay my own bills or pump my own gas. I'm still pretty stuck in between doing it myself and calling Mom for help when I've really gotten lost (or the nozzle just won't pump and my transaction has been cancelled for the sixth time in a row). some days just seem so bipolar....when my family of three people can't act older than five, and then an hour later we're laughing ridiculouly at something that's probably painfully 'uncool.' I don't care. I wouldn't trade a true laugh for coolness anyday.
this has been a year of getting lost in school parking lots, school campuses, and school buildings. of being forced to pick up the phone and call someone I've never talked to before, despite my known phonophobia. of starting a real job that I actually like. of finally starting to let God take over the plans and change them how He wants them. of learning the real value of extra cream. of early morning (really cold) walks, instant oatmeal, rushing everywhere. this coming year I think I'd like to rush a little less. it might mean cutting some things out.
this year I got a little less young and a little more old. I outgrew some things and started to like others. a few are still being transitioned. transitioning sometimes hurts.
re-read those really big, really deep books as you get older in your teen years. they make a lot more sense when read through teary smiles. and every now and then add Danny, the Champion of the World for good measure.



so very soon, in an hour and ten minutes, I will venture into the undiscovered country. I don't know if I'm really excited to go, or if I'm being shoved into it like being pushed off a cliff. but I don't have a choice - I'm going. I'm praying next year, when I'm really freaking out at 18, that you'll all still be here with me.