my baby gets depressed at night/all hope is gone with the twilight

within the last month or so I have been inside of this feeling

this weird feeling that everything is wrong, even though nothing in particular is wrong

and it's also the feeling that even though so many things are wrong, everything will be alright



so much of life is good right now. I'm working a lot and planning this fabulous trip to Europe. I have a lot of free time and get to hang out with my amazing friends more than ever. the weather has been, for the most part, good......and I don't have the things that normally stress me out to deal with. there is Nutella in the pantry and a book all about Dickens on the counter.



but at the same time, many things are so confusingly bad. there are family issues going on that make every day at home kind of interesting. someone I know slightly has 4-12 weeks left to live. some of my best friends are leaving and I won't see them all the time anymore. I feel like I am on the brink of something huge, and terrible, and that I really can't avoid falling in....I can only fight for awhile until I am exhausted.

lately I have been really anxious, with absolutely no cause. I mean, I'm not anxious about anything, but some nights I feel so worried in general that I could almost cry. and then I get depressed.

i don't know. a lot of it is probably just my hormones freaking out. but I think some of it is deeper too. I guess I'm at a place in my life that I always knew in my head I would get to, but never actually believed in. a couple of weeks ago I looked around (figuratively) and asked myself, how in the world did I get here? surrounded by my friends and remembering all the happy-go-lucky times when our biggest problems were transportation to sleepovers, I wondered, how did we all get here? I don't think any of us truly believed in this time, all the time we were growing up. we all thought "by the time I get to college I will be a responsible adult and won't be freaking out about my life and I will have wonderful, clear-cut direction and will be ready to move out and everything will have fallen into place."

I realize that our hormones are more or less on the rampage right now, but honestly I don't think we ever turn into that person, and that's why life keeps catching us by surprise. there will always be twists and turns and fuzzy direction (or no direction at all), we may never be truly mature or responsible, and there is ALWAYS something to freak out about and something else to cry about. at least, until we hit 30, at the very earliest.

I guess I think that if you're living life right, it's full of pain. don't get me wrong now, because it's full of joy too. but your heart can't fully feel the joy that it's meant to get out of life if it can't fully feel the pain that inevitably is going to come along with it.

and I'm not saying that my heart is in a good place and that's why I feel like crap lately. that was just kind of a side thought that crept its way into this rambling, depressing post.






anyhow, I think I am going to get some breakfast (yes, it is noon), take a shower, and then go to Goodwill, because I haven't been able to convince myself that I absolutely can't spend money right now. even though I ought to be saving every penny. *sigh*

as a quick update, I got the job at Menchie's (yay!!!!!) and will be working closing shift twice a week. I'm also getting transferred to the Auburn Bath and Body Works, which is another big yay!!!! because it's so much closer to me. only downside is that I'll be working at the Supermall. :/ but hopefully I'll be getting some more hours there soon, which is what I need. I finally got my piano student schedule worked out, and I will be teaching all seven of my students on Wednesday after school, and then promptly leaving for my shift at Menchie's until 11:00 or something like that. ridiculously long days, but I suppose I will survive. I'm rather excited for school to start, but at the same time I like my lazy days right now and don't really want them to go away.

yesterday I hung out with my friend Tanya, whom I haven't seen since school ended. we went out to an Italian place and split some tiramisu, after she devoured a plate of kalamari and I savoured a cup of chilled raspberry soup with mascarpone and toasted pine nuts. it was all very, very good, and we had some wonderful conversation catching up on life and summer. I took her down to Comstock's labyrinthine bookstore and we spent a happy hour looking through cookbooks and classics, and I bought The Friendly Dickens (like the Friendly Shakespeare, only about Dickens!) which makes me insanely, incredibly happy. it's a good thing too, because I need something to cheer me up right now.

other than that, nothing else exciting is happening. I will try to post a MUCH HAPPIER post soon!