this may be the longest post in the history of my blog. just warning you. good luck and....gentlemen, start your engines!

ok. another late night, another blog post.

I am feeling a little down, so I'm sorry if this post is depressing. or confusing.

things are, for the most part, getting better. but I've been having some really rocky times with a few relationships lately, and that's taking its toll. I guess since I'm more of an introvert, the friends I do have are really really close (even if we don't talk a lot or see each other much, I have close, strong friendships, and not many shallow acquaintances). So whenever there are bumps (or potholes) in the road, I tend to take it pretty hard.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at here. Life in general is just driving me kind of crazy. we're into King Lear in Shakespeare, and only the promise of Titus Andronicus to come, so even though I like the people in my class, and the teacher, each day only really provides troubling or depressing thoughts, not happy ones like when we were doing The Taming of the Shrew. it seems like when we hit Richard III, the 'winter of our discontent' got started. with the change in the weather and a freezing walk to school every morning, I just come home feeling a little colder inside, not warmer like it used to be. I'm not looking forward to winter quarter.

especially since my friend Becca can't take choir and PE with me after all, so now I'm stuck doing them by myself. I'm gonna get lonely. well, I'm already lonely. I guess I just don't like thinking about it getting any worse.

I'm sad because it doesn't look like a Christmas party/sleepover is going to work out after all. it leaves me with a long, empty-looking Christmas break. my mom is all about cutting back on activities this year, staying home more. I love my family but right now I can't think of anything much worse. I mean, I'm already home all the time. honestly, my parents are gone a lot. they are gone during the day when I'm doing nothing, and then when I want to go do something in the evenings they complain about how I'm never home.

ok, that's not true. I'm painting it worse than it is to try and get your sympathy.

(is it working?) :P

*sigh* my mom just came in and started talking. for a good, solid half hour. and she's really tired, so she's talking about nothing whatsoever. and I'm feeling VERY introverted and wanting to just be alone and write and maybe cry or something.

"it feels like you're irritated at me."

"I'm not irritated. at you."

she starts talking about vacuum cleaners. about the big argument that took place this morning at the office over the vacuum cleaner. and how ridiculous it was. and I'm thinking, how ridiculous is it right now, you recounting the whole vacuum cleaner argument to me?

but she finally left, went off to bed, leaving me still vascillating between a hot bath and finishing King Lear, or a few more wasted hours on the computer. I still haven't decided.

one thing I have decided however, is to shorten my Europe trip considerably. I got a dose of cold feet and reality at the same time, and it proved to be more than I could handle. so what I'm doing is this: I'm gonna stay home this year through summer and keep on working...try to get some more students. next fall/winter I'm still gonna be at home, and I'm going to finish up my AA (so help me God....though this is another new point of stress in my life and in my paternal relationship. seriously, you have no idea how amazing part-time running start is with no pressure to actually get a degree). in the spring I'll leave for Europe, and just spend a month in Germany with Cosi's family, a month in Paris, and a couple months in England/Scotland/Wales/Ireland. then I'll come home and start missions college in MN in August.

though I'm mourning the loss of Italy, I feel much more peaceful about this part of my life. I finally came to the realization that although I could earn the money, make the plans, and do the trip, I'd be physically gone all of next year but "gone" most of this year trying to either make money like crazy or make plans. this way, I'll actually be home this year, not have to worry about holding down (and finding) another job somewhere, and I'll be able to relax a little more with my expenditures in Europe. it's all-around better.

the only thing I'm now discovering with a cold shock is that so many of my friends who are planning to leave next fall are already in that state of "gone." all of a sudden I have this time, and I so much want to spend this last year before the-rest-of-my-life with my dear, close friends, but they're not here anymore. we waited too long.

and I've never learned how to let go. it's like.....I can't.

meanwhile, the weather's getting colder but not enough for snow. Thanksgiving is coming but it isn't quite Christmas yet. it's that part of fall quarter where everyone feels like dying. it's depressing but busy.

here I am, blowing around with the wind, so it seems. I think I'll spend the next few days looking for my anchor.

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ok. are you ready for the happy news?

I'm on worship this weekend. dinner at Frankie's tomorrow night!!!!! although, we have a lot of subs this weekend because of the Christian Musician Summit that about half my team is attending. so it's still not quite the same. but tomorrow I get to talk Roger into playing a TSO song on our next rotation, when we break into all-out Christmas music. this I am excited for.

I got a new Bible. it's a study Bible, in the new living translation, and it looks pretty fantastic. I'm happy about this because it helps me to read more, and to study the Bible more as opposed to just reading it. I L-O-V-E this translation. I practically devoured it when I was in India.

I've been playing a LOT lately. in flute, I can play just about two octaves of the three octave range, which isn't bad. the really low and really high notes are still tough. but overall it's sounding better and I'm playing faster. I need to work on Christmas stuff to play for Christmas!

for piano though, I'm just overall playing a ton. there's my lesson stuff, which is really hard but I'm having so much fun that I don't notice it much. you know how you feel after doing some really hard work for awhile and then sitting back and seeing the progress you've made? there's some of that same sense of satisfaction to my practice. for once in my life I feel like a really good musician. I'm not a great musician, and I know that, but I'm getting some of the confidence I've always lacked, and it helps me play better.

Bret, the electric guitarist on my worship team, has been helping me a lot. nothing really concrete, mostly just inspiring pep-talks over email. I remember my first couple of rotations on worship, when I was absolutely terrified of the whole thing. Him on one side, and Roger on the other, huge grins on their faces to remind me to smile and keep good stage presence. I bombed one section where I was kind of supposed to be standing out, and Bret jumped in and covered it all up for me. and then he gave me one of the greatest pieces of musical advice ever: if you hit a wrong note, play it twice and call it jazz. the next day Roger took it over so I didn't have to do it until I had a little more experience. they've both been great..........mentor-figures I guess.

it's funny, because back before I knew him, I was actually kind of frightened of Bret. he's a musician inside and out, and also a perfectionist. and his focus is intense. like, interrupting him is just really not a good idea. and he's also bipolar. which makes for some really interesting days. :)

but even though he's such a great musician and a perfectionist, he somehow has this safe zone of understanding, and he knows just the right words to inspire confidence. and mistakes are just ok. that's all there is to it. you forget it, you move on, you always work to do better.

Bret plays with Roger in their band (I talked about it in a previous post, they played at the fundraiser). I was possibly going to be playing a song with them, and I helped them anyway with set up and tear down, so Bret and I were emailing quite a bit the last couple of weeks, working out coordination and things like that.....with random conversational topics thrown in as well. through the whole thing he's just been really great, really sweet, and giving me some tips and some of those mini-pep-talks that have really helped me all week.

as a result of this, I guess, I've started really working on my improv skills. or rather, I should say, my lack of improv skills. working on getting the theory from my head to my hands - what it takes to be able to play in a band. it's proving to be one of the hardest things I've ever tackled. but at the same time, it's fun. and it's making me a better musician when it comes to chord music.

which is great because I just started playing for youth group again. so far we've only played once (last night), and we sucked pretty bad, but we're getting it all together. the main problem is that our drummer can't keep a beat and our bass player doesn't have a musical bone in his body. other than that, we're doing ok. even if we bomb all the time, it's a good experience for me. not having an electric guitar (or really any rythym instruments, when you consider that we would be better off without the drums and bass), I'm forced to carry a lot more of the musical weight. and I'm front and center on the stage which makes me nervous. AND we don't have a clue which songs we're gonna play until we show up.

"ok, so we're just going to play through each song once and try to get through them all before youth group starts. just listen really closely to me and try to follow."

that's about what it looks like. =)

but it was still fun. I like my team and it feels good to do it. it feels right. I'm enjoying chord playing more than I ever have before, and there's the budding promise of a confidence that's 'just over the horizon' which is kind of spreading its first rays to everything else. in this one part of my life, I'm reaching stability.

which is going to be important as everything else falls apart.

thank you for bearing with me through this stream-of-consciousness. must be painful to read, but always remember:

if you've made it this far

you're where monsters are

ok, that really wasn't what I wanted you to remember. (go Pooh Bear!) but seriously, you guys are amazing and I love you all dearly. I don't know what I'd do without this blog thing.

and I'll try to have another 'happy post' up in the near future. probably after this weekend playing keys. I just have this feeling that it's going to be amazing. :)