I'm not your saint/I'm not your savior

I'm doing better. meaning, ok instead of completely stressed out.

these last two or three weeks I've kind of spent a ton of time holed up in my room either reading or writing for school. I feel so distanced from my family though.....I mean, I get mad at my mom for no reason, and my dad and I hardly talk because we hardly even see each other. but I suppose pretty soon this will get better too. I guess, really, it's already getting better. these last couple of weeks have been nightmarish though.

I have this huge project in Shakespeare that I'll be doing next week. it's a group project, which is cool because not all of the workload is on me, but it's not cool because we all have to collaborate and be on the same page, and we don't have much time to pull it together. but it's going to be really good, and the majority of the work got done today or will be getting done tomorrow. it involves sock puppets. :P

Playing piano about two hours a day, and still not practicing enough for lessons because I'm trying to pull all this other stuff together for background music/carols at the celebration dinner on the 5th. my teacher was really understanding today though, which is unusual. so that made me feel better too. she reminded me that your life will show up in your music - I've been stressed so my music is really tense; I can't relax. but I'm trying. doesn't it sound weird that you're trying hard to relax? but I practiced this evening and it was a lot better. confidence is getting better.

hmmm.....been cooking dinner all month long. I swear nowadays I spend half my life in the kitchen. it's kind of fun though - after hours sitting in a chair in my room staring at a computer screen, it's nice to be on my feet in the kitchen for awhile. but it does take up a lot of time and a fair amount of creativity. my absolute favorite kitchen ingredients are Worcestershire sauce and rock salt. garlic helps a lot too, and onion is just great. these things have brightened many an average meal this month. and now I really want to make meatloaf again.....

lately I just want to read a lot, and just this week I've wanted to start writing again. I mean, just for fun. I've been writing almost daily all quarter long, something either for Shakespeare or for Intro to Novels, and my writing has really improved. been reading a lot of different things too, and I think all these different styles are influencing me. been reading everything from Austen to Dostoevsky to Shakespeare to modern teenage skaz like Catcher in the Rye, expletive-filled-crap like the current (and last!) Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. the only thing good about this book is the long title, because it increases the word count in my forum posts by a lot. but I've been reading other stuff too. my Shakespeare class has a blog on Ning, so I'm reading everyone else's posts once a week, and comments through the week. my friend Bret, who I talked about a little in my last post, used to blog a bit and I was reading some of his old posts because he's just an incredible writer. in terms of reader enjoyment, I think I like to read his work more than anything else; he has a crazy amazing way with words, either spoken or written. and he makes the awesomest similes EVER, lol. probably comes from song-writing.

which makes me laugh, because his job is completely math-based. don't you hate people who are good at both math and English? and music too? doesn't seem fair....

anyway. if I had five hours free each day, instead of five hours divvied up between homework and piano practice, I'd probably spend all five reading. or maybe four reading and the fifth writing. right now....it's just a thing. big cups of tea, rain and cold and wind outside, and so many memories of past years. this time of year just floods me with memories of youth and innocence and free time, and how life "used to be," "back in the day." maybe it's why, with a birthday in January, I always pick right now to start freaking out about turning 15/16/17/now 18. and really....18 is just such a BIG and IMPORTANT number. pretty sure I'm not ready for it yet.

but my reading list for Christmas break is forming itself. first thing after Thanksgiving, I'm reading A Christmas Carol. then I'll finish up the Mystery of Edwin Drood (do you have any idea how annoying it is to read a mystery that is left unfinished? seriously. why did Dickens have to go and die? I know Jasper didn't do it....Dickens had some brilliant twist to throw in at the end. but of course he wouldn't leave any notes, not even the tiniest hint about the end of the story. *exasperated sigh*). then I'm going to treat myself to a re-read of the Hobbit that will probably occupuy the whole of two days with big blankets and a full pot of tea.

after that, the list grows a little hazy. I'm thinking about Crime and Punishment, because I'm not sure I'll be able to handle Dostoevsky during next quarter, with 14 credits at school. but I also really want to read Mansfield Park and Northanger Abbey, and so complete my education in Austen. we'll see where I get.

other plans over Christmas break include:

-a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon (mom's idea)

-a Lord of the Rings marathon (my idea)

-having my youth group over for a party which will most likely include Farmhouse cookies (Anthony's idea)

-probably doing some kind of overnight with my aunt Kari, which will most likely include Jane Austen movies or sewing or genealogy-related things.

-introducing Dexter to Pike Place Market sometime the week after Christmas, if he ends up driving over here from snowy Idaho.

-making gingerbread houses with Becca. or, according to her, gingerbread castles. probably both.

other than that, I'm deliberately keeping my schedule very open. there'll probably be a party here and there, and lots of hanging out with other people who are on break. I'm so ridiculously excited for break! I love my Shakespeare class, and am indifferent towards my novels class, but I'm just really ready for them both to be done. I am sort of looking forward to this project. finals week won't be too hard. but I feel like I've been working hard without a break all month long, and Christmas fever is setting in, and Thanksgiving is two days away.....it's just that time of year. once Christmas lights start coming out and I start my Christmas shopping, it's just time.

so. the countdown has begun. 16 days until Christmas break. just a week of presentations and a week of finals.

bring it on.