my baby cousin got bigger since I spent three days in the hospital with him back in July

I've been meaning to post for forever. I've had this 'new post' page open for days now, but no time to get to it. life is...crazy.

I know, I'm always saying that. the thing is, I wasn't expecting life to be crazy right now. I was expecting laid-back. so it's kind of caught me off-guard.

with Cosi gone now, I'll have a lot more time - like I'm used to. not that I'm glad she's gone....I'll probably be lonely and miserable for a few days. but I am glad that every spare minute will once again be my own. yes - I am an only child and I'm selfish about my time. :P

we saw her off at the airport today; it was really tough. she's so scared.....flying by yourself is really a terrifying thing the very first time. and when you have to give the very last hug and finally face the rest of the journey alone, that is the hardest part. Needless to say, there were some tears shed and some really tight hugs, and quite a few promises made. so far, I'm doing ok. I spent the whole afternoon working on finishing up another TEFL module that I never expected would take so long....

.....TEFL has been crazy, but really good for me. I've had so many mixed feelings about "the future" lately. do I really want to be a teacher? can I handle living in India? sometimes I think no and sometimes yes. but since I really jumped back into finishing up my TEFL course (it expires in a week) it's been more on the yes side of things. I've had a hard time processing this trip, just because I learned so much about what it really takes to live in India; I saw so much bad and so little good for a whole month. that was tough. being homesick all the time and knowing there's nothing you can do about it is tough. on top of that, I haven't really talked a lot about this trip with anyone, and I've been SO BUSY since I got back that I haven't even had much time to think. so every time I do think, something new and hard hits me. and I think.....do I really have what it takes? but what if I don't want to live in India?

sometimes normal seem boring. but most of the time, it's really so....wonderful.

but anyway, it's not about what I want anymore. I usually want what's not good for me anyway. and like I said, since I got back into my TEFL stuff, I've forced myself to look at the future even more practically.

it's funny, in all my growing-up years, I've never wanted to be a teacher. ever. except maybe for homeschooling my own kids, which is way different.

and now, here I am, planning a future in teaching. it's crazy. I love that our God is a God of surprises. imagine how boring life would be if we always got to follow the original plan.

so besides TEFL (which is literally every spare minute of my time, since I still have two modules to finish in a week's time), I have an essay due on Tuesday that I just started thinking about today; a book to read and research by the end of the month, a forum post which I just discovered is due in five minutes (thank you ANGEL....that's gonna be a late assignment), worship this weekend, piano lessons to teach, piano lesson to practice for, and family in from out of town.

I don't know how I'm doing this. it never seemed like it would be a lot, but now that I'm in it, it's too much. everybody wants 100%, and I can only give about 5% to each, so now everybody's mad.

my piano teacher not the least of all.

anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep and get my seven measley hours, and see if tomorrow ends up ahead or behind.