looks like the end of history as we know/just the end of the world

I know it. I'm attrotiously overdue. and I think I spelled that wrong but I'm not going to bother looking it up right now. I kind of just want to write.

I'm feeling all emotionally bottled up again. but thankfully all my emotions (well, most of my emotions) are happy and good ones, so it's not as bad as it could be. I'm just feeling like words aren't doing a good job at getting across what I want to express. but anyway, I'll give it my best shot. since I'm obviously the center of the universe (/sarcasm/) I know you're all dying to hear about my first week of school and everything.

(and I do sincerely promise I'll have pictures and an India post up soon. give me a break - I haven't even gone through all the pics with my own family yet, and I don't have them on my computer either. sometime this week...I really really hope.)

so anyway. school.

I'm surprised. and I'm happy to be surprised. school is fantastic and amazing. I know my campus and some of the kids on it. I found myself smirking as I remembered my first day of running start just one year before - I was lost, alone, scared to death, and looking pathetically homeschooled.

ok, I'm still alone and I still look pretty fairly homeschooled. but I'm not lost or scared to death and I'd rather get rid of those two labels first.

I swore this year that I wouldn't take any 8:00s. I had 8:00s all of last year (yeah, every quarter) and it really screwed up my body clock (interpretation = I was always grumpy from not getting enough sleep). so this quarter it's a 10:00 Shakespeare and an online Intro to Novels.

My Shakespeare teacher is actually pretty cool. she's not amazing by any means - she wears a very revealing and too-tight style of dress every day, and she can be rather vulgar/swears a fair bit. however, her mannerisms are engaging and she cares about her students. she's FUN, like, super-fun, and I look forward to class every day. the swearing is mostly related to what we're discussing (she teaches Shakespeare, for crying out loud), and as we're reading The Taming of the Shrew, which contains just about every dirty pun in the book, I can forgive the vulgarity to some extent. I've gotten used to it. I think I've learned not to expect Mr. Keating as my English teacher, and so after taking 110 with the Wicked Witch last winter, I'm happily surprised with anything better.

and The Taming of the Shrew is amazing! I love it. we saw it at Shakespeare in the Park this summer, and I liked it then. I like it even better now. Grumio is the awsomest character ever, Bianca is a total ditz (or is she?....), and we're reading with a very forgiving perspective of Kate, which makes the whole thing open to interpretation and five times as interesting. it's cool.

next is Richard III, which is bound to be entertaining. and after that, King Lear. then - just in time for Christmas - Titus Andronicus. >:( this is really the only drawback so far.....

my online class isn't as great, but it's really not bad. I don't have to suffer through a bad teacher every day. it's just a lot of reading in a short amount of time, and writing on top of that. I'm sure it will calm down soon, but this week I've been insanely busy with about five different things that all required urgent attention, so it's been hard to squeeze it all in.

we're reading Persuasion. *dances* we're reading Persuasion! now, if only almost all the rest of the class could have half a brain when they read, and write worth anything. we had to read half the book by thursday and then write something about the beginning chapter (how it supposedly "draws us in"), and then about how the characters are either confirmed, contradicted, or complicated.

so almost the entire class writes about how amazingly Austen draws us into the first chapter through her description of Sir Elliot and the vanity and pride of the Elliots. and then goes on to say "oh, Sir Elliot is introduced as a vain guy, and he still is halfway through the book. so it confirms our original view of him." *SIGH*

what do you say to people like this? I just want to find a big, heavy copy of Persuasion and beat them over the head with it. for one thing, the first chapter is one of the boringest things I have ever read. it doesn't "draw me in" in the least. I know because the first time I read the book it took me three tries before I could get through it and keep going (thank goodness it picks up quickly and gets interesting!). for another thing - this book is not about Sir Elliot. nobody wrote about Anne. or if they did, it was just to talk about how Sir Elliot and Elizabeth didn't value her, and "she was only Anne." but Anne Elliot, though I too overlooked her the first time I read the book, and completely misunderstood her, is a fascinating character. she's really amazing. and if this post wasn't already too long I would probably go off on a long rant about it. maybe later, I will.

so anyway, after this we move on to Dostoyevski. and then to 20th-century lit *yawns*. sadness. it's only the last two books that I'm REALLY not looking forward to. but - it must be done. I've already read half of the last one, and I'm thinking about finishing it next week so that I don't have to be reading it at the same time as Titus Andronicus, during the holidays.

the other big news in life is that I started taking a class at the high school. I know - shocking, isn't it? on monday mom was like - you should take French with Cosi at the high school. (remember that high school started a week and a half ago.) the problem was that it was from 12:30 to 1:30, and I had a piano lesson on Tuesdays at 1:00. the next day I talked to my teacher - no hope of changing the lesson time at all. but then my mom talked to the counsilor and the teacher and the result is that I'm going to French class four days a week.

so yes, I am now taking a class at the college, an online college class, a class at the high school, and other stuff at home. how diverse can we get, I wonder?

but it's fun. although I really dislike the high school atmosphere, I like being with Cosi in the middle of every day. the class is full immersion - the teacher speaks pretty much only French (occasionally some English to help clarify grammar stuff). the downside is that none of the kids pay any attention (or can speak a word of French), and the teacher has the most dreadful accent ever. but it's still fun, and I'm still learning. with Cosi and my college French book, I'm getting along pretty well.

that's the other thing. Cosi has been having a wretched time at school. she hates it. high school kids are just awful, and it's nothing like Germany or what she's used to. luckily, today she had her orientation and met with her representative from the exchange program, and we started working things out. it's looking like she'll be able to take just the minimum number of classes, dropping her morning classes and giving her less time at the school, less homework, and more time with us. we're all much much happier now. :)

also at orientation today, I met an exchange girl from Pakistan, who's living about a mile from our old house in Buckley. she's like the sweetest girl I've ever met! she speaks Urdu, which is almost the same thing as Hindi, so we talked for quite awhile about cultures, food, languages, life....everything. it was really fun. I'm really hoping we can get together soon. she was quite happy to have someone to speak Urdu with also, which was amusing for both of us. :P

after this orientation, we went up to Issaquah and toured the Boehms candy factory. that was pretty sweet....it smelled and tasted wonderful, lol.

since we're "doing the Puyallup" tomorrow, we went to the Saturday night service at church this evening. it was the first time I'd been to church in 6 weeks (I did go once in India, but it's a very disfunctional church and I spent most of the time trying to not stick out or offend anyone, so I don't think that counts. I'm talking about being spiritually fed, going to church). It was AMAZING.

I love Saturday night because it's rough around the edges. it's smaller, more intimate, more casual. it's like going to a dress rehersal. the band is worn out from three hours of practicing, and they're finally playing all the songs more-or-less as a trial run for Sunday morning. so there are always some kinks to be worked out, but the people who come to Saturday night service are usually those who enjoy the kinks and have fun with it.

tonight was even better than I expected, actually. I really wanted to go to 2nd service on sunday morning, because I know more people there and there are quite a few people I haven't seen in six weeks who I wanted to catch up with. but for lots of reasons we ended up coming to Saturday night, so although I was happy to be at church again, I was a little disappointed because I knew I wouldn't be seeing some people. but how surprised was I to find that there had been a lot of switching up with the worship team for this week (someone was on vacation, other people had to fill in last minute, etc.) and the main people from my worship team who I really wanted to see more than anyone else, were there tonight! so that was even more fun, especially as our guitarist kept forgetting the words to everything. I got to spend quite ahwile hanging out with them and catching up - telling them about my trip and hearing about things that have been going on at home as well. I loved the trip, but I hated being gone. I missed my church so much and I'm really, really, so glad to be home.

and the best part is that I'm on worship next weekend so I get to spend the whole weekend with my team! this I am extremely excited for, though I think that playing keyboards is going to be interesting. I've been having a hard time playing in general since I got back. the normal stuff is coming back, but I haven't really tried church stuff yet. so......yeah.

ok. congratulations if you made it to the end of this excrutiatingly long post! I think I really wrote this more for my benefit than for yours. but anyway, I'll try to post more regularly and less lengthily in the days to come, ok?

bonsoir!

and I will look for you in places/you cannot be found

my wedding Converse came! they are dark red like my other ones, and say “MaidofHonor” on the side. they’re pretty sweet.

we spend the weekend at the condo. it was fantastic, except that I ate a lot of junk food so now I need to exercise it all off. and the problem is that I always say that and never do it. :( *frowns* but I really do feel like working out. I got really restless in India because all I did was sit around, walk downstairs and walk upstairs and sit. after two weeks I really couldn’t stand it and just wanted some good exercise.

but anyway, about the condo. *grins at own sidetrackededness* hung out at Lauren’s wedding shower Friday night, which was hilarious as neither she nor I had ever been to a wedding shower. so basically the bride and the maid of honor had no idea what was going on most of the night. but then mom and I drove over to the condo to meet dad and Cosi, who had gotten a head start on us. we spent the weekend just hanging out together, hot tubbing and pushing each other into the pool, and watching movies, playing Yahtzee…..Cosi is teaching me to play the flute. :D I helped her out with homework (she has to read Of Mice and Men by that lackluster profligate Steinbeck, which is only slightly better than The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao which I have to read for English this quarter). I swear that’s one of the worst books I ever picked up. there’s absolutely no plot, and the writing isn’t that good either. in the very last chapter the entirety of the book’s excitement comes together as the main character kills his best friend to save him from getting lynched, or something like that. it’s pretty disgusting. poor Cosi….but she gets to read something cool on her own, like A Christmas Carol or The Hobbit or Treasure Island.
ok. I just talked for a long time. :P

ugghhhh. I really don’t want to start school. I have lots of cool things I want to do. and I HAVE to finish my TEFL course by October 2nd. and I have a LOT left. yech.
it’s really weird that I only have one class on campus. it just seems strange that I’ll be leaving my house so late in the morning, and an hour later I’ll be coming back again. and having two English classes is also weird – like no variety.
but of course I’m providing my own variety at home. I want to keep up my Hindi, Cosi is teaching me German, and flute, and I want to learn at least a little Italian this year. and resume my French as well. then there’s piano lessons, and trying to get more piano students…..and the ever-present possibility of a part-time job doing something else. it kind of depends on my schedule and how much money I’m making.
I have this trip to Europe that I kind of need to be planning and saving for.

so yes. life goes on. but seriously, having Cosi in the house is so much fun. :P we got into a pillow fight this morning while “making the bed.” riiiiiiight.

ugh. I need to go. I got stuff ready for school but there are still books and clothes and bags all over my room. I don’t know where they all come from….

on Tuesday I’m going to see Christy (the other lady who came to India with me), and give her all the clothes I carried back for her, and get my clothes from her that she carried back for me (it’s complicated), and all my pictures that are on her laptop. and then I’ll put the pics up for all of you to see!

ok. I’m tired. I want to clean up and drink something cold and then go to bed. you’ll probably get a nice depressing first-day-of-school post tomorrow.
you know. something for you to look forward to.

we're all to blame/for spending way too much time on ourselves

exasperation.
frustration.
infuriation is an appropriate word.
so is dissapointment.
dissatisfaction.
impatience.

I'm tired of dealing with this. but somehow I feel responsible for the future of my youth group. so I can't leave. everyone else is leaving - I'm all that's left of the core group. the rest is a mess.

maybe it's because I can see the mess and I'm not stuck inside of the whirlpool - that's why I feel responsible. maybe it's because I'm well-rested and not busy so I have a lot of energy, and I'm feeling spiritual and utopian. maybe it's because I really love some of these kids.....good friends of mine at one time and maybe still.....and I want to smack them and point out to them that they're the ones screwing everything up.

but it seems like I'm not the one to do this. however, the people who should be doing it are just sitting there. I don't know who to talk to anymore. do I go to the blind but well-intentioned leadership, or do I attack the heart of the issue with the people whom I know well? or do I sit here and wait it out, and watch from outside as another youth group falls apart? again.
and maybe that's why I hesitate. the last youth group I was in fell apart. messily. and it was about half-way my fault, because I got involved and was immature about it. and then I sat there crying all winter and into the spring wondering what in the world happened. right now I'm watching everyone cry and wonder what happened, and I don't want to be there again. I'm still good friends with all the people involved, and I don't want to seem to be taking sides or attacking anyone. I have the best of intentions but..........
there's rarely a clear path in these situations. I don't know.


I suppose I should wait a little more, talk it through with responsible non-involved people a little more, pray a lot more, and then see what happens.

I just wish it wasn't so complicated, and people weren't so stupid in general. whatever you guys do, please don't make a mess and then sit around feeling sorry for yourselves, ok? I will kill you......

:P teenagers. we know how to be ridiculous, don't we?

hello world

I though, just possibly, you guys might like to know that I'm home. still alive. safe and sound.

and I feel like a completely different person.

it's weird. it feels like such a long, long time since I left. and even though home is the same, and I love it even more than I ever did before, I feel like I've changed so much. I feel older and wiser. I feel ready to take on the world.....as I've probably been for a few months now without knowing it. someone close to me told me this back in July. I felt old at the time, but I was still clinging to teenagehood, and was scared to death at the prospect of growing up or leaving 17 behind.
but I've discovered that I can still be 17 and have fun, but be an adult at the same time. I can live at home as a child but be an adult. and this is the hardest thing to explain.

and I'm wondering, how will this affect my friendships? I really don't know. it's hard to grow up yourself, and it's hard for all your friends to grow up. I think the worst part is that some of us grow up together, when we have experiences together (like paging, or camp hope, or sleepovers when we talk about life till 3:00 AM), but the rest of the time we're growing up seperately. so something is different each time we see each other, and we have to adjust. that's what the true friendships are though - when you keep it together no matter how much we're all changing, and realize that it will stabilize one day, and still honestly love the person in the meantime. even if it's hard. or rather, even when it's hard.

so, let's give this our best shot. I'm apologizing in advance for the changes you guys will see, whether I notice them or not. I hope they're for the better. I hope it's not difficult to pick up where we left off. I hope we can all accept, and even learn to love, this growing up thing. there's a light and a dark side to all of it.
and I hoping and praying so much that I can communicate what I saw, what I did, and what I learned, to everyone who wants to know. that's the hardest part of all - because now it's part of who I am. I have to go back and remember who I was a month ago, and then figure out what circumstances changed me, and then figure out how to communicate that in a way that works and makes sense. thank God for pictures and journals. :P

alright, I'm starting the day, and who knows what exactly it will bring? I'm going to debrief myself a bit, and soon I'll be ready to make a post (or several) about the trip. I'll have some more pics on facebook too, probably today.

I love you all and I really missed you incredibly much! and now to catch up on life in general......