are we getting closer/or are we just getting more lost/let's unwrite these pages/and replace them with our own words

you know what my problem is? I care too much. not worry...I don't generally worry much. but I care about things, about people, ridiculously lots. I care about how people think and how they feel, and when something is wrong or why they are so happy. that may not be so bad, it may be a good thing. I remember crazy things (while forgetting more important things, of course), like random peoples' birthdays, or some appointment they were nervous about, or something like that. and I remember to make cupcakes and ask how it went.

I'm not saying that it's bad to care. I mean, it's really good most of the time. but I get really emotionally wrapped up in other peoples' problems. probably because I don't really have problems of my own. pretty good home life, great church, lots of friends, not overloaded with homework, I get lots of sleep, etc. so all I have to think about is other peoples' little anxieties, problems, reasons to celebrate, etc.

but the bad part is that I care so much about what other people think of me. and it's not a popularity thing. at school I'd just as soon wear baggy sweatshirts and blend in. I state my opinion without worrying what other peoples' opinions are....I'm rather outspoken that way. no, it's not what the masses think that I care about. but there are a select few people who's opinion - affirmation, acceptance - is more important to me than anything else in the world.

somehow, I don't realize that it's important until I'm getting it. it's not usually something I seek out. it's usually something that is given without being asked for, and then I realize that I can't live without it. I love like crazy and want to spend more and more time with that person. I talk about them nonstop. and I know exactly what it is - it's the whole stupid words of affirmation love language thing. once they are spoken, that person has my lifelong affection.

and when I get myself in trouble is when I realize that they don't care like I do. what I mistook for "you're an amazing, fantastic person - I love you" was really just "hey, great job today." when I thought they said "I don't know how I'm gonna get on without seeing you every day" they really just meant "I'll miss you, but we'll get together sometime....later."

I don't know. some days I hate myself for it. how do you just not let your love language fool you? but the truth is, I will always fall for the gentleman who holds the door for me and says "good job." which, by the way, means "i love you."

and I'm NOT even talking about romance. this is just a friend thing.

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I have a feeling none of this makes any sense at all. and there are deeper things on my mind I'd rather not talk about, which might help you have a clue what I mean. but even I don't understand it all. I guess I just needed to let some of it out.

I left my heart in a plastic box

on the bedside table

it will be locked

till i get home