I see/the sinner seek devotion/the lost become chosen/and I fall to my knees....

I found out today, that I am incredibly - naive, dense, slow, idiotic, and extremely loved by God and even people despite all that.

I realized that after playing the same songs through practice and three services, I finally understood the meaning and listened to the words enough to worship God. I finally realized that being on worship was something I wanted. I want to use my talent to lead others into the worship I felt in my heart today. especially the youth group. excuse me, MY youth group.

I "got" the sermon after the third time listening to it.

the reading from Isaiah astounded me only the third time I heard it. "He bore our sorrows." suddenly I thought of a couple specific sorrows I'd been trying to bear alone. what an idiot I am! God already bore them for me. and He's still here bearing them with me now.

coming home, I was so glad, in my heart truly glad, for the three inches of snow. in my mind, the most beautiful thing in the world is our northwest evergreen trees all dusted with white. and as I was glad, a giant flock of tiny little sparrows lifted out of a field and moved across the road as one body instead of many, and with such speed. and I started laughing to see such talent! then God turned to me and said, "I taught them how to do that." and I was amazed and so in love.

later in the day I made some papadum, and listened to big band/swing trying to dance with my mom ("it's a shame you don't know the lady's part!"), and we went on a walk. then I did something extremely stupid, was naive, and I felt like an idiot. we don't need to say more than that (because it's extremely embarassing *blushes*). but it gave me a headache and I felt awful. and I NEVER get headaches.
and then I talked to close friends and that cheered me up, and I played from my heart and that calmed me down. and I got things ready for a nice, easy quarter doing things I love. I hope to make friends. I hope to slow down, say no to some things, learn a lot and be a lot. I hope to be ready for summer when it comes. I hope to see God do amazing things by believing He can. and I hope I'm contagious.


and then I fell into a peaceful sleep thinking about my romance.

this is me, trying to live my dreams and be an adult at the same time. it works in movies, right?

my life is changing.

my life is changing radically.

I remember a year ago, what The Plan was. I was gonna finish high school (doing Running Start full time), get my TESOL - Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages - degree over the summer, for "just in case," and then go to missions college, doing the internship. right after that, I would know if I needed a secular degree or not for my work in India. I would either go straight to India, or go back to school and then straight to India.

basically, lots of school, then life calling.

currently, the plan looks something like this:

First, I'm probably gonna do an online TESOL certification, since I'm going to be teaching English this summer in India, and have no idea how to do that right now. I just don't know if I'll do a full certification, or just a 40-hour class.

of course, I'm only taking 2 classes a quarter in Running Start. hopefully most of them will count for a secuar degree if I need one later...at this point I'm not really paying attention.

I'll go to India this summer, and will spend the whole time before that getting ready to go....and working. then I'll start school again. somewhere in there is a German exchange student, and who knows how that will radically change things *grin*.

right after I graduate, provided I have enough money, I'm going to Europe. alone. probably backpacking. this is both exciting, terrifying, and a major deviation from The Plan. but I'm glad. I think I'll really truly grow up while I'm gone. I'll have to.

and if I don't have enough money, I'll work for a while and then go to Europe. for not quite as long. but hopefully, I will have enough money. backpacking and hostel-hopping will severaly cut down costs.

I'll get back in June or July, and go to missions college in late August, including the internship. from there, The Plan carries on as normal.

God's in heaven, laughing at me.

half the fun in life is watching how often and how much The Plan changes. it's getting quite entertaining at points. :P

and by the way, if anyone wants to bum around Europe for a couple weeks, a month, however long you want, I'd be happy of some company. I'm not asking for a traveling companion for the whole trip, but if anyone wants to come for a little while, that would be really sweet.

how to rescue a gardener from dormice who are eating his peaches.

let's see, my week....considering I haven't been on:
first I was writing a paper.
next I was in Canada with no internet surrounded by crazy cat people.
next I was sick, very sick for all of two days.
next I spoke about India at AWANA.
next I had a French final, and went job hunting, and youth group with the afterparty. which never happens so that was really fun.

job hunting........I went with Becca and we had a pretty good time going around the mall twenty billion times. She is desperate so she applied EVERYWHERE. I am picky so I applied at: IHOP, Orange Julius/DQ, SBC, Yogurt Creations, and Johnny Rocket's. I would be happy at any of these places except Orange Julius/DQ. I'm not sure why I applied there.



I somehow slammed my hand into the wall really hard and I now have a blood blister on the tip of my ring finger. It hurts to play forte. speaking of playing, I'm playing Saturday afternoon at my great-grandparents' anniversary party, and I have no idea what I'm playing yet. oh well.



Tomorrow is my LotR marathon. I've been looking forward to it all week, as much for staying in my pajamas and not worrying about life, as for watching these amazing, fantastical movies back to back. I haven't done a marathon in soooo long.




now I am going to bed. I may be on spring break, but I am tired. the afterparty got a little....wild.







yeah.

across the pale parabola of joy

life in my house is very interesting.

I started laughing at my dad's jokes again today. out of the blue, it was just really funny, somehow. I didn't even have to try. it was cool.

My great grandma died last night. before you start in with the condolences, I'm okay. we were never really close and these last few years she's had Alzheimer's so half the time she didn't know who I was. I'm sad about it, but I'm not really upset or anything. it affects me more roundaboutly because my dad has been so upset today. like, crying buckets all day long. and my dad never cries. but he's not crying so much for missing his grandma, but because his mom is really really really hurting right now. For me, it's losing a great-grandma. but I can't imagine losing my mom. it's gonna be tough on the whole family and I'm not sure where I fit in there.

my parents leave Wednesday for nine days. I'm not allowed to have a party but I am allowed to have friends over. we'll have to work on the fine line between the two.... *smirks*

my parents have gotten a total of three e-mails from John (the guy I'm staying with in India) over that last two days, all related to specific things they were asking him about, nothing related to my trip. I've been waiting to hear from him about the trip for four days now. whoever is praying that I'll be more patient, please STOP NOW. :) oh gosh our God is really interesting.

I went to youth group again on Thursday, after about a month off. the break was really good for me. Our youth pastor is on sabbatical for six months or something, so Roger (amazing man, I posted about him a while back) is taking over. and he's the best teacher in the whole world. he's asked for our input about changes in the group, and has laid down much-needed rules. I don't want it to look like it was a personal thing that I left and now I'm coming back, because it's not. but I think I'm ready now to get involved in making this change happen fully. but someone else needed to start it.

Becca and I are going through Do Hard Things together, and last week was AMAZING. all of it pertained to us personally and how we related to the youth group, and big changes that need to happen. something about Starbucks in our culture inspires conversation. methinks I should have put this into a paper somewhere.....

but if you haven't read Do Hard Things, you NEED to. not should, NEED. and the best part - it was written by teenagers. it's not one of those "I'm 50 telling you kids how not to screw up your life" kind of books. as good as the info in those books is, we teens hate them (no matter how hard we try not to). that's why Do Hard Things is so challenging and inspiring at the same time.

Also, we're getting another exchange student in August, for the full school year. We applied today for a German girl who looks really sweet and cool, and is my size so we can share clothes. and who has played piano since she was two. Basically, we wanted a French student for the second semester (since I'll be leaving for India right when the students come, which is kind of awkward). through a long series of events, we ended up applying for this German girl, all year. like I said, we serve an interesting God.

I'm actually looking forward to being on worship this weekend, despite losing an hour of sleep and needing to get gas (again). How Great Thou Art probably has something to do with it. I'm finding worshiping and talking to God is getting easier.

I finally buckled down and I'm learning Hindi numbers (notoriously difficult). I figure if I just write them out fifty billion times each I'm bound to remember them. oh yeah speaking of languages this German girl has five years of Latin. I thought that was kind of cool.

I guess I can't think of anything else going on. I'm filling all my time up pretty successfully without even trying. mostly homework. I think I will write about homework in my next paper. how much it sucks and what a bad idea it is.

*grins*

we all want to seem like/we've got it all figured out

I've been wondering - why was I so scared to turn 17? I think part of it's because I remember when I joined blogger and I thought people like Em, Sam, etc. were really old. I mean - 17! they were 'old' teenagers. more mature. smarter. and I think when you reach that age and realize that you don't have it all together, you kind of freak out. unless you've already accepted it.
and I'm beginning to realize that no matter how much you tell the tweens/early teens that it's going to be the same for them, they won't listen. I didn't. why should they? it's always, "well I'm different." my situation is different. something is different for them so they won't be the same as you. no parent problems, no car problems, never fifty different things vying for all of your attention at the same time.
I guess I'm just frustrated to realize that I'm one of the 'old' kids now, and though I always said I would be different (because, well, my life was perfect, right?), I'm not. I'm in the same boat. but I'm ok with that. I really hope one of these days someone will get to be 17 and prove me wrong like they say they will at 13. that would be really cool.



it's a really strange thing with me - whenever I smell bug spray, especially if there's lots of deet in it, I think of India. right now of course, it doesn't take a lot to make me think of India. but today at school from some unknown place I got this huge whiff of deet, and the small amount of attention I had been paying to my English teacher vanished in a hurry. it's pretty crazy - India smell is this mix of diesel fuel, dirt, garbage, spices, flowers, and deet. all put together, it's not very nice. but you get back home and open your suitcase and it still has India smell in it. and you smile, because there's a lot of memories with India smell. I've always thought it was crazy how strong the sense of smell is tied to the brain, to memories.




to switch topics again, I am very frustrated today. I've always been a perfectionist, when it comes to school and to extracurricular stuff I'm devoted to. that's why I try not to take on too many things at once - I like to give everything, all my focus, to one thing at a time. knowing I got a bad grade for a stupid formatting reason really irritates me. for once, I would like a teacher to see content instead of formatting, and to see a student instead of.....whatever it is teachers see us as. a filled chair? a grade? a paycheck? I'm so mad at teachers.
additionally, my piano teacher wants way more practice than I can give her. just when I thought I was back to doing fairly well. pfffttt. *is not happy*
then, like I said earlier, I feel like everything else in life wants ALL my attention. and I can't give all. I can only give some. why does most of life have to be an all-or-nothing kind of demand? mom wants all my free time to be family time. I would like to get a job for summer when I'm not teaching. dad wants me to golf. my french teacher wants 1/2 hour a day of study. I need a lot of Hindi (as in a TON). other people want other things. life is this crazy thing. and I don't mind it being crazy as long as everyone agrees on what we're doing. I'm not used to this tension thingy.




but I know you didn't really come here to hear all this. I'll leave you with this sweet thought from my Perspectives class:
David Livingstone (missionary to Africa) said this: "People talk of the sacrifice I have made in spending so much of my life in africa. Can that be called a sacrifice which is simply paid back as a small part of a great debt owing to our God, which we can never repay? Is that a sacrifice which brings its own blest reward in healthful activity, the consciousness of doing good, peace of mind, and a bright hope of a glorious destiny hereafter? Away with the word in such a view, and with such a thought! It is emphatically no sacrifice. Say rather it is a privilege. Anxiety, sickness, suffering, or danger, now and then, with a foregoing of the common conveniences and charities of this life, may make us pause, and cause the spirit to waver, and the soul to sink, but let this only be for a moment. All these are nothing when compared with the glory which shall hereafter be revealed in and for us. I never made a sacrifice."

I love that movie! it's so depressing.

isn't it interesting, how people never turn out the way you think they are going to? like, when you've heard a lot about someone and then you finally meet them - they're never exactly what you were expecting. often, they're quite opposite. and it's not necessarily bad, just interesting.

like, I never thought Emily was going to be tall. either of them.

Lauren and Anna have heard about each other for the past year - I'm sure when they finally met last week they weren't expecting what each turned out to be.

I met my friend's fiance yesterday, and he wasn't quite what I had pictured him to be in my mind.

not to say I didn't like him, because I did like him. he was just....different than my expectations. not bad, just different.

I find it an interesting phenomenon of the human mind, how we make expectations of people, conciously or not. I guess having out expectations blown away is just a reminder how complex people really are. it's kind of fun.

oh yes by the way my friend Lauren is engaged and wants me to be the maid of honor!!! I'm so excited.......and very excited for all the wedding planning/dress shopping stuff too!

and driving to the concert tonight I got more lost than I've ever been in my entire life before. it was funny.....later on. drat it though, I need to refill my gas tank soon. it would have been more fun getting lost if I had more gas. ;)