December 27, 2008

to honor you, who have impacted me and made me who I am - the better part of me

There are four men in my life whom I truly love, respect, admire, and wish to emulate when I am an adult. They are all very different, but have one quality in common - make that two qualities. One is wisdom, and the other is a love of God and sincere desire to grow in Him every day, even in the small things. There names are John, Mike, Nick, and Roger.

John is a missionary in India, where he lives with his Indian wife and a little Indian girl they adopted last year - the apple of his eye. He's much older than his wife, but with his age has come great wisdom. In a culture of 'late risers' he gets up early every morning, before the rest of the house, and spends time in prayer, worship, and Bible study. He is a naturally gifted photographer who has taught himself all the tech stuff that doesn't come so naturally. He was my team leader while I was over there, and a great mentor, spiritual guide, and friend. I remember our team Bible study times, which usually started about nine and would go late into the night, while we listened to John "sermonize," and take our small topical chapter much farther than we had imagined, quoting scripture like a pastor, convicting and challenging each of us. We never realized the time until he was done. When I took the 10-hour train ride with him to another city for two days, he was my guardian. While my mom and the team leader were worried about my rest, my health, and like concerns, he said "let her get sick, she needs to do this." I'm eternally grateful to him for saying this, because I did need to do it; my mom needed to let me go too. And I saw some amazing things I might not have gotten to see otherwise. John also has a great sense of humor, and loves telling stories. Among other favorite things he likes to do are eating aloo paratha (potato-stuffed bread) for breakfast, taking to his 3-year old on the phone, and buying saris for his wife. He doesn't like saying goodbyes.

And yes, John is the one I'm hoping to stay with next time I go, if it all works out.

My next favorite man, Mike, also figures into the India part of my life. He's the pastor of small groups at the church I went to India through, and coincidentally his first trip to India and mine was the 2006 trip, and we both skipped 2007 and had our second trip in 2008. I think because of this we processed a lot of the culture and how we reacted to it in the same way. Of course I was always more impulsive and adventurous, and not always smart (it's a bad idea to try going on a tour just a few hours after an 18-hour plane ride), and he had more wisdom, and wasn't quite so fast-paced as me. But I believe in our minds we saw things in a similar light. This last trip something kind of clicked, and Mike was sort of a surrogate dad to me during those three weeks together. He had a rough childhood and came to God in a long, drawn-out process (which included an encyclopedia bought from a traveling salesman), but his faith is firm and he's had a long time to build on it. When I visited a school for untouchable children Mike was there, and we each wrote an article about our experience - what we both left out was me and the kids trying to teach him some Hindi words, and him rather failing. One of my favorite days of all my life was the day we both skipped one of the seminars at the conference and sat in the sun, just the two of us, and he told me his testimony, and I talked about my life, struggles, school, the crossroads I faced. We just talked and talked, like we'd been friends forever. My whole team was like that - like we'd been friends forever. Mike has a laugh that is usually caused by one of his own jokes, stories, or ridiculous experiences he instigates. His laugh reminds me of Tigger sometimes, when he really gets going. He's fantastic at telling stories, and something was always missing when he wasn't at the dinner table. Some of my favorite memories are: how he fit five bags of chips into the "ministry bag" for our Superbowl party; the interesting (to say the least) experience at the western-style coffee shop, trying to figure out what coffees corresponded to the American version; a long debate over whether the palm trees in the LA airport are real or fake, which culminated in him climbing into the planter and pulling some of the leaves off to find out. Mike likes running and spending time with his wife, now that they are empty nesters. He doesn't like instant coffee or chicken (with no beef) for days on end.

Nick is an old co-op dad, and though we're no longer in co-op, he and his wife (and their four amazing kids) have become good family friends. He's another one of those people who just kind of exude wisdom and passion, and sometimes we just listen to him talk for hours on end, late into the night, before we realize what time it is. He's a model dad - fun but with discipline when it's needed, a great husband to Michelle (one of my mom's best friends), and a good worker and friends. And one of the most faithful and generous Americans I know. Nick's been unemployed for many almost a year now (he's training for the State Patrol, which is a really long process), and has started and quite I think two jobs, because he overwhelmingly knew it wasn't where God wanted him. They've lived by faith the whole time, and what especially touched me was their donation to our mission trip even when they were going through a hard time financially. God continues to bless them for their faithfulness to Him. One of the things I like best about Nick is his willingness to admit, and then fix, his own flaws, and grow into a better husband, dad, and Christian through that. He's extremely humble, and inspirational to me in my own walk with God. Even though we don't get together a lot, we've enjoyed a hike with them and the occasional dinner/games/conversation....turning into late night deep discussions usually, which always end up having Christian relevence and leaving me in awe of this man, who I wish to be like someday.

Lastly we come to Roger, who is the worship leader at my church, and my adopted "favorite uncle." Roger is another one of those figure-out-the-flaws-and-fix-them kind of person. Come to think of it, he's a pastor of small groups too. What I love about Roger is that he NEVER EVER EVER tries to sugarcoat things, step around problems, or avoid uncomfortable conversations. He goes straight to the heart of the issue and deals with it in a loving, nurturing way - he was born for counseling. And he isn't condescending, because he bares his own heart and reveals his own struggles and vulnerability, taking a huge chance of getting hurt somehow, all in order to grow Christians in their walk with Christ and with each other, building an Acts church one person at a time. He'll probably never know the impact he has on some peoples' lives. And he never seems to run out of energy to do what he does......maybe because he knows when to say "no" to something. He's a family man at heart, and doesn't book up his family time for anything (I really don't know where he gets the time to meet with all the people he does and still be home every evening). Roger is a realist though, at heart, and is the first to admit it. I think he embraces who he is, and runs with it, in a race to fix his flaws and use what he can't fix in a way that honors God. He has a smile that is for real, and I don't think I've ever seen him fake-smile; his smile lights up his whole face, and it usually makes an appearance when he sees someone he loves (which is most people) or hears something that gladdens his heart. As for those minor flaws that just seem to be part of character.....well Roger is rather forgetful and his calendar doesn't always remind him of what it should - it's best to call and confirm an appointment the day before. :)

So these are my four favorite men - a little about them, why and how they inspire me, the whole glorious, holy mess that they are. Who inspires you? Who has made a really big impact on your life in some way, just by being who they are? What person do you truly want to be like, and why?

December 21, 2008

let me feel one more time/what it feels like to feel/and break these calluses off of me/one more time

I don't know why I check my email fifty times more at my grandparents' than I do at home. Maybe I just don't have as much to do. maybe I'm bored.

I shouldn't be bored. I have a keyboard even, which is way more than usual. and books - good books. but I don't have any chores to do, and I have my laptop...not much else. What I mean is, I don't have a room to clean, or parents giving me things to do, or anything else like that.

Currently my grandpa is watching Dirty Jobs on TV. The dude's at a larva farm...where they raise larva for fish bait. it's revoltingly sick. and he's flirting with the daughter of the fly farm family. on television.

hmmmm......is this why I'm bored?

oh yes, I was talking about books. all the good books I brought. I can't seem to find anyone who's read Wuthering Heights though, so I will be the guinea pig. and I really should finish Dombey and Son this week too. considering I started it in August. Also, my mom is going to read A Christmas Carol to us on the way over.

"You keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine."

"Keep it? But you don't keep it uncle!"

"Well let me leave it alone then."

I also recently found a number of titles on modern-day slavery, by modern-day abolitionists. It blows my mind that slavery still happens, in many places even closer to home than we think. Most Americans are raised with the idea that slavery was abolished with Lincoln and the Emancipation Proclomation. not so. and the sick part is that it's illegal in most parts of the world. it's corrupt or indifferent legal forces/justice systems that allow it to thrive. and it is thriving.

I just finished a book called Be the Change, by Zach Hunter. The title comes from a quote by Gandhi, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Zach is a 16 year old kid who has started an organization dedicated to freeing slaves. He wrote this book last year, and though it focuses on slavery today, it also is an encouragement to others (especially kids) to find their passion, and their calling/burden from God, and run with it. It's a challenge to stop whining and complaining, get your priorities in order, and start acting instead of just talking. It was really good. lots of awesome quotes, verses, and stories about historical characters who personified character traits that Zach looks at in-depth.

Right now I'm reading a book called Not for Sale, by David Batstone. He really focuses on this organization called IJM, International Justice Mission, which was founded by a lawyer (I think a Christian guy) who devoted himself to emancipation of modern slaves. IJM teams up with local law enforcement to free slaves and prosecute slave traffickers and slaveholders. This book basically devotes each long chapter to a different country and the main problem in slavery there. The first one was on sex slavery in the brothels of Thailand and Cambodia. The second chapter is about forced labor in India, usually starting with a small loan held over a long period of time, with super-exhorbitant interest, adding costs of food and lodgings....powerful merchants have literally held people as slaves for 3-4 generations, passing the growing debt from parents to children. Then the chapter I'm in right now is about the child soldiers in Uganda. I already knew a little about this and it's still so crazy, so gut-wrenching to read about; kids who are forced to kill their own parents, or each other, or anybody the leaders tell them to. and the worst part is how little most of the world knows or cares (governments who should be acting, especially). one sentance totally stunned me though: "Perhaps if it was our oil instead of our children being take, people would care more."

how terrible is it, that that's true?

you say, "we do care about those kids. way more than oil."

but what do we talk about more? gas prices, political problems, the weather.

or these kids with no hope at all, in a country torn apart by war.

this book is amazing though. I started it last night and I'm halfway through it. The author basically starts with a real-life story of someone who used to be a slave, in one of these countries and in these types of situations. they tell a chapter of that person's life, then take little breaks to talk about what kind of work IJM is doing to combat things like that. you get so involved in the story, because it's so personal. this really happened to this person you're reading about, and it was recent. the book was only written last year. it felt so strange reading about these girls in Thailand who are literally my age right now, and are trapped in brothels. instead of hearing about it, you get it firsthand, like a slap in the face.

I guess I just decided that I've gotta stop stepping lightly around all this red-light type stuff. I should know about it, and so should the whole world. people need to care about this. Christians especially, more than anyone, need to care. after all, how would Jesus react to this? we watch documentaries about it on TV and talk about it, but what to we do?

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to be the change.



Honesty is hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like
We've got it all figured out
Let me be first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
Ain't gonna pretend like I do

December 19, 2008

created for a place I've never known

I've heard them say it's like a chessboard

the rolling fields of Elysium

you can see for a million lives

the golden wheat stretching into paradise

a struggle, a silence, a whispered "you're home." (yeah, this is home)

my hand glides through the stalks.

suddenly the unheard theme that's been reverberating in my heart,

it bursts into life:

Anol Shalom...anol sheh lay...

peace at the end

now we are free


the glue. I knew exactly where it was in our old house. I've looked all over - where it should be, where I would expect it to be - I can't find it here. and it's no good saying to look where you wouldn't expect it to be, because that would take me all night long. how does one make Christmas cards with no glue, and double-sided tape that won't stick? I give up. it's time for a cookie.



so you guys know...I will be leaving Monday, for Leavenworth, with parents and grandparents in tow. pray that we do not die going over the pass (actually I'm not worried at all, my dad's a good driver in the snow, and we've done it before). We'll be coming back Christmas day, unless we happen to get snowed in. then I don't know when we'll be coming back, but I'm sure we'll have a good time and make the most out of a bad situation.

the downside is, I'm not expecting we'll have internet there. now I'm definitely bringing my laptop, but if you don't hear from me, that is why. I'll be taking lots of pictures and I'll post a nice long, substantial, vaguely interesting post when I get home.

tomorrow I'm going to my grandparents, and it the "big storm" they are predicting makes the roads, treacherous, as my mother says, then I'll be staying at my grandparents' until we all leave monday morning. in which case I'll probably be on blogger a LOT and I expect lots of activity from all of you. I'm sure you will all cooperate and we will get through this without a problem.
thank you.
*turns microphone off, leaves the stage*
*spotlight turns off*

December 17, 2008

the tale that is brewing/are we really more than meets the eye?

I was just looking through some Village Square archives, kind of missing how intellectual we all used to be.
and thinking about the "good old days" and how much we've all changed, some things better and some worse.
and remembering how I used to look on that blog twice a day because there was always either a new post or a barrage of comments about something though-provoking.
and how much smarter I used to feel because we talked about things...deep things. even if I wasn't that smart.


do you ever feel like having a good cry, for no reason whatsoever? you can't really even think of anything that's wrong, you just want to sit down and cry? sometimes I feel like that. I think that feeling needs a name. but I am rather braindead to try and give it one right now. ideas?


do you ever love someone you really dislike? I know it sounds absurd. if you've read 1984 - think big brother. as in, you really respect someone. you might disagree with everything they say, or hate the way they present themselves, or only be able to think about their flaws. but somehow, you're drawn to them....and you miss something, when they're not around. and you realize that you actually love them, even if you really don't like them.
I know it's insanely weird. am I the only one who feels this way about anyone?


I think...........I'm turning into a really truly teenager. I never used to want to cry for no reason, and life used to be a very simple black and white.

December 16, 2008

nonsense! elevators are for old people!

anol shalom, anol sheh lay.....

now we are free....

today was a pretty good day. I had a dentist appointment for a filling, but it was tiny and they didn't even use anasthetic! barely hurt at all. and the hygenist had a nice fleecy blanket for me because it was cold in there. and you know me....if it's warm I'm cold, if it's cold I'm freezing.

then we had lunch with my grandpa, who works close to my dentist. that was pretty fun. came home, and I just finished my lessons with my two students awhile ago. I think tonight I will make Christmas cards, since my parents are both gone. how it is I keep getting out of painting at my dad's new office I'm not sure, but I am most certainly enjoying it!

actually, it's been a pretty nice week. saturday was my dad's huge family party. like, we rent a hall and the whole entire extended family is invite, and about 200 people come (yes, I meant huge). considering I only know about thirty of these people, it's always a little interesting, sometimes boring, often awkward when people know you and you're like, I've never seen you before.....

but Anna came this year. my aunts asked me to play some background music and carols and stuff. and I had the brilliant idea to have Anna accompany me, which would be fun and also give me someone I actually liked to hang out with instead of a bunch of people I don't know.

so we played for awhile, and my cousin (who shall remain nameless ha-ha) kept ummm....hanging around very close to the piano....

so maybe he really liked the music or something?

well. we'll leave it at that.

I won coconut body butter in the raffle!!!! well, coconut and pomegranite. but Anna wanted the pomegranite and I just wanted the coconut, so we split it. she won the thing she wanted too, so it was all-around pretty successful. while everyone was cleaning up we sang carols, and I made her sing O Holy Night, which was pretty amazing. and after the party we went to the carosel at Kent Station and rode around and around, naming the horses after everyone we could remember from LotR and being incredibly immature. it was the most fun I've had in awhile. I love acting like I'm still young enough to have fun. because it really is fun. we managed to fit all the bouncy Christmas carols possible into the four rides we stayed on for.

then we went outside and spun around in the brand new, freshly-fallen snow and shivered our way back to the car, catching snowflakes more in our eyes than on our tongues. singing My Favorite Things. trying not to look at the "creepy store."

Sunday I had to work at a cat show, and I drove with my dad in the car to supervise. after we got there, he drove my car back home, and I worked the show and made a little money. nothing spectacular. my aunt drove me back home, and after she dropped me off and drove away I realized that our lock-box, with the housekey inside, was frozen shut.

and my dad had my other keys because he drove my car.

so basically, it's freezing and I'm locked outside.

luckily, we have the world's best neighbors, so I took the lock-box over to their house and they kept telling me to come in and sit down...never mind my soaking wet, snow-covered Converse. Pam was like, I wonder if a hairdryer will work? well it did...we thawed the thing out and I managed to get the key out so I could get back into my house.

what would life be like, without these little adventures?

yesterday was our humongous baking day with my grandma...now I am at home surrounded by cookies.

and truffles, which my piano student gave me for Christmas. exciting, but perplexing. the fitness center by our house just closed. what am I going to do?!?!?!?!? I have to go all the way to Kent now, dash it.

I'm having a recital for my students on Thursday. I am just slightly terrified. today, we played our Jingle Bells trio three times, and all three times were perfect. this has moved me from extremely terrified to only slightly terrified. I'm sure, no matter how bad, the parents will hear no flaws and will clap just as loud. that's the way with parents of beginning students. I know because I used to be a beginner. :P

oh, and I just found out I'm getting two new students next month!!!! this is extremely exciting, because I wanted to get two more students after the holidays, and our neighbor behind us just called yesterday to ask if I would teach her daughters. all these students just keep falling into my lap......word of mouth is a wonderful thing.

okay, enough of my ramblings for now. I am going to have a cookie, and make christmas cards.

on second thought, maybe I'll skip the cookie.

December 15, 2008

a true friend is the one who walks in when everybody else walks out

so. (or rather, hwaet!)
you're having a bad day. seventh time this week.
still.
I wish there was something I could do
other than crying with you.
lately it seems to be more down days than up.
all I can say is I know.
it's frustrating, and it's depressing.
and no one knows just what's wrong.
all we want to do is fix it, make the pain go away.
you'll call the doctor again in the morning,
appointment on wednesday,
therapy thursday.
my phone is on for whenever you need me.
when you and I aren't talking we'll spend our time
asking the same person the same question:
Why?

and are you really there?
and do you really care?
and why did you let this happen
or that happen?

and sometimes, we don't even want to know the end,
because how could the end be happy?

but even though I am a teen and we've both got our emotional problems
it feels like the weight of the whole entire world,
and it hasn't gone away in a long, long time.

some days it really does scare me, what you tell me.
it's almost never good.
the rest of the time I just worry like crazy
while I hear worry's a sin from everybody else.

deep down, of course I know
He's there
He cares
He's got a reason
I remind you and me a lot.
and I'm praying like crazy to make some sort of sense.
and trying to look calm, and really, honestly, trying not to worry.


but it's so hard not to worry when you can't see the end and it doesn't feel like God's got control.

December 11, 2008

you're the one that jumped off a cliff with a man that can't swim and another that's afraid of heights

I'm feeling very infatuthymic today. yes, I made that up. it needed a word. basically it means I am in the mood to fall in love. in the mood for a violent and desperate crush. which could be why I changed my icon to the most adorable pic of Archie Kennedy I could find, and changed my computer background from a nice quiet scene of Rivendell to a gorgeous wallpaper with three shots of Norrington on it.

by the way, -thymia is a very handy suffix to have on hand when making up words to describe feelings. it means, "condition or state of mind." I just found it today.

so, if you see me, don't laugh. I am developing a crush on practically everyone I see, and am irretrevably in love with anyone I have ever been in love with before.

especially Sophos.

this shouldn't last more than a week, I would think. so don't worry. and if you are feeling the same, we could start an IA - infatuthymics anonymous. my higher power could be my Legolas picture!

no?...........

December 9, 2008

put on your sunday clothes/there's lots of world out there

"the night is darkest just before the dawn. and I promise you - the dawn is coming. "


I think, today, a dawn finally came. I walked out of the tunnel. and I wasn't blinded by the light...there wasn't a ton of light there. but instead of the middle of the night it feels more like that hour just before the dawn....it isn't really bright yet. but it's not so dark anymore.

and I hate sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I mean, I'm not even the one with complaints. it just seems like so many of my friends are having such a rough time; and it definitely affects me. I have so much to be happy about though. I'm trying so hard to stay positive. I think sometimes I just lose sight and can't keep my head above water anymore. so yesterday I was going under, and I decided to do something about it.
I called a friend I hadn't talked to in a long time. I called him at work, I surprised him, and we talked for about half an hour. he wanted to know lots of stuff that was going on, so I focused on the positive - and then I realized how much positive there was. and it worked.

today, the sun came out, just a little bit. I think I can keep going. keep it positive...especially for some special people I know who don't have a lot of positive right now.


and I thought of this movie that I hadn't seen in a long time. there's one part in it where the main character is down and out, and about to give up. but his very best friend gives a brilliant, inspirational speech that keeps him going for one more day. we all know, after all, that Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam.


It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here.
But we are.
It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy?

How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

What are we holding onto, Sam?

There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.



worth fighting for.

December 1, 2008

maria, I just met a girl named maria

so. Beowulf. the movies were HORRIBLE.
and I think from now on I should just start all my posts with Hwaet! because I start a lot of things with "so" an Hwaet! is cooler.

Beowulf, and Beowulf & Grendel....biggest waste of time in my entire life, having to watch those. this final project will be the bane of tonight's existance, because I really want to finish it today.

so why am I here? well you see, I'm extremely good at this procrastination thing.

enough negativity though, today was a really good day. Yesterday I found out that I have a 4.0 in my math class (who ever would have guessed?) and consequently I don't have to take the final!!!!!! that pretty much made my Chistmas Break. so today all I had was music, and we just talked about what's gonna be on the final, and then listened to my teacher tell stories.
"All right, see you all next week for the final. Have a good weekend."
*class gathers things together to leave*
"Did I ever tell you about the time......?"
*class sits back down*

so all I have is one final, and this stupid, ridiculous project. it's really not so bad. it shouldn't be so hard.
it's just...I keep putting it off. I don't even have very much left. I should just finish it.

and yet, it feels SO MUCH like Christmas break right now, I don't want to do anything school-related. so I'll plan a party, wrap Christmas presents, eat brownies, post on my blog, and do a dozen other things that need to be done, and rather ignore the project for a few hours more



oh what the heck. I'll just do it.