I leave in exactly one week. Actually, it's almost less than that now - exactly one week from right now I will be on an airplane, flying east across our beautiful country and headed to Europe, as I've been planning for over two years now.
It's kind of weird how little my emotions are swirling right now. I'm not intensely excited (don't get me wrong, I am VERY excited, but it's not an active, bouncing-off-the-walls kind of excitement). I'm also not scared, though many people have told me I should be. I'm only a little bit nervous, just for a few unknown things, like some travel details and banking stuff I've never done before....but that's only if problems come up and things don't go as planned (which probably will happen). I would say that this week my dominant emotion is melancholy, as I'm saying goodbye to the people and places (but especially the people) who have been my entire life since I started turning into an adult. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that my entire life and world is going to change overnight, and will never really be the same again.
Today was my last day of work at Menchie's. I'm done with school, and other than one last day of teaching piano, I'm done with work too. The next school I go to will be Bethany College of Missions in MN, the next job I hold won't start for over a year, when I move to Portland next summer. Have I mentioned Portland yet? I'm planning to head there after BCOM, work full-time for a year and try to become an Oregon resident so I can pay in-state tuition at Portland State University, where I want to finish my BA. God-willing, of course. I was in Portland with my family down there last weekend and they are all really excited about the idea, as are the people at Village Baptist Church (the church my mom and I went to India with). I'm hoping God doesn't close the door on this one, because I love the idea of living down there for a few years. Plus it's only three hours away from here.
Anyway. Life is starting to change for me right now. Even though I have about a billion things to take care of before I can step onto the airplane, I still have tons of free time and I don't quite know what to do with it yet. I realized today that I have trouble reading for pleasure - I have only been able to read textbooks (or Europe guidebooks) since the beginning of the schoolyear. So I think I may force myself to read a bit - for fun - before I go to bed tonight. I have to get over the feeling that there are more important things to do....right now I still feel guilty when I'm not constantly busy checking off items on a list, and that's not a good way to live life. I'm tired of being busy and stressed.
Also before bed, I'm gonna go through part of my room. Since I'm moving out soon, my parents and I talked and I'm going to box up and/or get rid of a lot of my stuff, so if they want to do something else with my room they can. Honestly, this is like the weirdest thing ever. I think it's perfectly right that they have the option and the space to do something else with my room if they have an idea, because I won't be living in it again - if I am it'll only be a few weeks at a time, or maybe part of the summer. But I think it's just the idea that my room won't truly be my room anymore that is so disconcerting.
I suppose that what I am still trying to bring into focus in my mind is the idea that in one week's time I will be a sort of vagabond. For four months straight I'm living out of a backpack. After that I come home for a couple of weeks, then I'm living out of some suitcases in a dorm room with one or two people I don't know yet. It's intensely exciting, but also vaguely terrifying in its ambiguity. In Portland (if Portland ends up materializing) I'll be somewhat settled, but it's still not home. After that, only God knows what will end up happening, where this vagabond will be off to next.
I've been telling myself and some very close people that this - Seattle, my parents, my house here, my dear friends and church family - will always be home to me. When I come "back home," I'm always coming back here, where my roots are. While I honestly think that will remain true for me and it's not a bad thing, I think part of me is scared of the idea of "home" becoming somewhere else. Or what's even worse: home being fluid. I have NEVER liked change, even in small degrees, and the change of one's home is perhaps the largest and most disconcerting type. For some people I think it's very necessary and they are fully ready to embrace it when it comes. But I guess I'm most like Beth from Little Women in this sense......I'm very rooted and very attached here, and I've reached the point where if God had other plans for me I would very gladly stay right here my entire life. But as I've learned the past couple of years, life - and God's plan, being the blueprint of life - is very seldom about our personal happiness or fulfillment, or even our personal comfort. These are blessings we get to enjoy while they surround us, but we cannot expect them, and I don't think it's right to seek them out - if the seeking of them interferes with God's plan. I am so thankful that I get to spend eternity with the majority of my loved ones here, because I don't believe I get to spend much of this earthly life with them. But then again, I don't presume to anticipate God's plan.
It's getting late and I've got a fair bit mapped out for myself this evening, so I'll wrap up now. I'll post again before I leave, and depending on where and when I have internet access, I'll try and keep up in Europe as well. :)
