here I am, procrastinating the last tiny bit of homework, too comfortable under my mountain of blankets to make dinner even though I'm starving, updating this blog that practically nobody reads anymore (the "practically" is for you, Katie!).
I can't believe the end of school is only three weeks away. In two weeks I'll be spending my last weekend with my amazing worship team family. In three weeks I'll be getting ready to head down to Portland for the last time in a long time. In four weeks I'll be having a going-away party and fretting about packing. In five weeks I'll be getting on a plane and going far away for the whole summer. And my life will be changing, drastically, overnight.
I really can't fool myself anymore - this is all actually happening, and as excited as I am, it's all a little scary, and really rather melancholy. This is my home; I love the northwest, and I love my family, and I love my friends, and my church more than almost anything. I'm leaving so much, and sometimes in my head I wonder what it's for. Adventure? The things I've dreamed of seeing since I was little. And then college, less than six months away (application almost done and scholarships begun).....and MN is so freaking far away, and sooooo cold. And I know this is where God wants me, but it's hard to follow, no matter how exciting it seems, because it's so unknown. I am comfortable with the known, like anyone, but I am also just so happy here, and so surrounded and enveloped in love, that I never want to leave.
But that's not really my choice to make. Not if I choose to recognize my Creator and my Savior as my Lord. We are all so comfortable having a savior, and mostly comfortable with having a creator, but few people really live like they have a lord. I'm so grateful for the people in my life who do live that way, or I would be so lost right now.
Last weekend I was on worship, and it was a beautiful weekend with my "family" at church. It's amazing to me, how close we have all grown to each other in the past two years. We ordered pizza from our usual after-service hangout but instead of going there spent Saturday evening at Jo and Chad's house, which is near the church. We were thinking about watching a recorded seminar of this guy who works with worship teams and live performing groups around the country, but somehow we just ended up spending the whole night talking and just being with each other. Talking about me leaving so soon, Roger (the team leader) realized, or rather - let it sink in for the first time - that I am actually leaving, that I actually will only be playing with the team one more time before I leave. And after a couple of minutes I looked over at him and realized that he was crying, so I grabbed his hand and we just sat that way for so many minutes.
This is the melancholy of my leaving. This is all the heartache, when I see my mom or Roger crying while it's sinking in, or the denial that's still in some of my friends' faces. When I get an email signed with love from someone who means it deeply, and that look people get when they say "we should do .........before you leave." Those three little words, "before you leave," so loaded with poignancy now, now that leaving is actually a real, impending action, and not just some idea for the future.
I really don't want it to sounds like I'm miserable here. I'm not. But this week, especially yesterday, has been very emotional for me as I realize just what I'm getting myself into, how little time there is left, and how this road I've chosen may be a lot more hard and less fun than I had imagined, once-upon-a-time.
I used to think it was hardest knowing that some of my friends wouldn't last through my childhood, and I'd wonder which ones I'd still be friends with as an adult - you know, who I'd want in my wedding and stuff like that. But now I am an adult, and I know that these people who are like family to me will always be that, we will always love each other, even if I'm on the other side of the world. But I think it's even harder knowing that I'll have to be away from these people, that separation will hurt like hell, because it means that we are close to each other in ways that I think only God's children seeking God's will can be.
Thankfully, God is the one in control here, and His plan includes His children in all of eternity together. But this tiny fragment of eternity can seem so long and so dark sometimes.
"We are blessed to have family like friends....and friends like family."
February 24, 2011
February 6, 2011
if music is just about the lyrics, then music is basically just propoganda.
"We are not primarily human beings having a spiritual experience; we are primarily spiritual beings having a human experience."
there are a few main reasons I'm not on here much anymore. the first is that I've been incredibly busy - as always. I'm working over 20 hours a week, putting the finishing touches on a trip to Europe that's beginning in (yikes) less than two months, and trying oh-so-hard to make it through school and finish my AA. thankfully I'm not nearly as stressed as last quarter, but each day as I realize how close my trip is, life is a little more emotional. I've been planning this thing for so long that it's really hard to realize that it's actually happening.
another reason I'm not on much is because no one else is on much either. not that I'm complaining; we all have our seasons and the blogging "season" is somewhat past. I still keep it as an outlet, but I don't expect many are reading now. but I suppose that's alright.
life flows along, as it always does. one of my managers at Menchie's quit today, which is going to cause some major ripples. but I'm trying not to think about it until tomorrow. I have a feeling my hours may go up a bit the next several weeks though, as everyone shuffles to fill the 40 hours a week that she worked. I'm really thankful that I'm just an employee, and one who is planning to quit myself next month, so I don't have to deal with my ridiculous boss much longer. until that time, I'm thankful that I mostly enjoy my job.
I only have two more rotations with my worship team before I leave. up until last week, I was just denying it and not thinking about it. but now I'm trying to soak up every moment and enjoy this last little bit of time with each one I love so much. it's too hard to describe how I feel about my team, so I won't really try, but suffice it to say that the last two years it's like I've been raised by an amazing group of uncles, aunts, surrogate dads, and just very dear friends, right alongside my own parents. I will certainly miss each one of them as much as my own family.
I'm still addicted to Michael Gungor. I'm dead serious here: if you have not yet gone to youtube and listened to anything from his Beautiful Things album, DO IT RIGHT NOW.
the only other remotely big news is that I'm looking at my future a little more - I mean like, after Europe and after missions college. my mom suggested that I take a year off to save for the next school adventure (most likely undergrad school for my BA in teaching English as a foreign language). I'm pretty sure I will be taking a year off to work (unless a rich relative dies in the meantime and leaves me their fortune). For school, I'm seriously looking at Portland State University - and I've promised everyone here that I won't go farther away than Portland if I am indeed doing two more years of school after BCOM. but this particular degree is a little more specialized, so I'm looking at WA and OR to see what my choices are for schools, and right now Portland State is shining pretty brightly.
The only catch is the price. Out-of-state tuition = $22,000. per year. so, times 2.
However, I'm considering moving in with my relatives down there for the year that I take off. If you live in OR for a year before classes start, you're considered an in-state resident. And since in-state tuition is $7000 a year, it's looking like a pretty sweet option. Plus, Portland in general is awesome, and still comparatively really close to home.
anywho. I ought to be doing homework right now as it is, so I will leave you (whoever you may be anymore) with that, and go be responsible. It is nearly the beginning of another week, after all.
there are a few main reasons I'm not on here much anymore. the first is that I've been incredibly busy - as always. I'm working over 20 hours a week, putting the finishing touches on a trip to Europe that's beginning in (yikes) less than two months, and trying oh-so-hard to make it through school and finish my AA. thankfully I'm not nearly as stressed as last quarter, but each day as I realize how close my trip is, life is a little more emotional. I've been planning this thing for so long that it's really hard to realize that it's actually happening.
another reason I'm not on much is because no one else is on much either. not that I'm complaining; we all have our seasons and the blogging "season" is somewhat past. I still keep it as an outlet, but I don't expect many are reading now. but I suppose that's alright.
life flows along, as it always does. one of my managers at Menchie's quit today, which is going to cause some major ripples. but I'm trying not to think about it until tomorrow. I have a feeling my hours may go up a bit the next several weeks though, as everyone shuffles to fill the 40 hours a week that she worked. I'm really thankful that I'm just an employee, and one who is planning to quit myself next month, so I don't have to deal with my ridiculous boss much longer. until that time, I'm thankful that I mostly enjoy my job.
I only have two more rotations with my worship team before I leave. up until last week, I was just denying it and not thinking about it. but now I'm trying to soak up every moment and enjoy this last little bit of time with each one I love so much. it's too hard to describe how I feel about my team, so I won't really try, but suffice it to say that the last two years it's like I've been raised by an amazing group of uncles, aunts, surrogate dads, and just very dear friends, right alongside my own parents. I will certainly miss each one of them as much as my own family.
I'm still addicted to Michael Gungor. I'm dead serious here: if you have not yet gone to youtube and listened to anything from his Beautiful Things album, DO IT RIGHT NOW.
the only other remotely big news is that I'm looking at my future a little more - I mean like, after Europe and after missions college. my mom suggested that I take a year off to save for the next school adventure (most likely undergrad school for my BA in teaching English as a foreign language). I'm pretty sure I will be taking a year off to work (unless a rich relative dies in the meantime and leaves me their fortune). For school, I'm seriously looking at Portland State University - and I've promised everyone here that I won't go farther away than Portland if I am indeed doing two more years of school after BCOM. but this particular degree is a little more specialized, so I'm looking at WA and OR to see what my choices are for schools, and right now Portland State is shining pretty brightly.
The only catch is the price. Out-of-state tuition = $22,000. per year. so, times 2.
However, I'm considering moving in with my relatives down there for the year that I take off. If you live in OR for a year before classes start, you're considered an in-state resident. And since in-state tuition is $7000 a year, it's looking like a pretty sweet option. Plus, Portland in general is awesome, and still comparatively really close to home.
anywho. I ought to be doing homework right now as it is, so I will leave you (whoever you may be anymore) with that, and go be responsible. It is nearly the beginning of another week, after all.
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