hello everybody. I mean, all two of you.
today has been a fairly awful day. but I won't go into details because it's getting a little better and I don't want to dwell on all the depressing parts.
my worship team is going to do a Trans-Siberian Orchestra song in three weeks (Appalachian Snowfall), and I'm so excited!!!!! well, the team leader doesn't know yet that we're going to do it, but that's entirely beside the point. it's got a pretty awesome piano part, which makes me happy.
our neighbors down the street put up all their outdoor Christmas lights and their house looks completely amazing. that also makes me happy.
today I had my last day of choir and my last day of botany lab. THIS IS GOOD. I'll miss choir yes, but I get to sleep in an hour for the rest of the week. and now all I have to do for botany is a lab report, a quiz, and one more exam, and I'm all done. sooooo happy. and only three more days of biology - yay! I'm fairly convinced now that I am not going to die this quarter after all. It was close though. if not for the month-long Christmas break at the end of it, I might have curled up and died about a month ago.
our choir concerts over the weekend went quite well, especially given the fact that we missed our last three rehearsals due to snow. but it was fun - fun to play and to sing. and bittersweet, because a lot of the people I won't really be seeing again. life goes on..............
I am now going to change into warm, comfy clothes, and play Christmas music on my piano in my empty house, and then go try and conquer some homework.......it's the last week, I can do it.
November 29, 2010
November 14, 2010
our God is an awesome God
I have been incredibly blessed this weekend. And maybe this is becoming a theme of my blog posts, but I guess I'm thankful for that as well because it means I am learning to see the goodness of God, shown through His people. Let me recap.
Friday and Saturday I was at the Christian Musician Summit up at Overlake, which is this huge conference for church musicians/worship team members that happens every year. Lots of seminars for everybody (guitarists, leaders, keyboardists, bassists, drummers, sound guys, light guys, etc.), several times of corporate worship in their massive auditorium led by amazing worship artists, and concerts both nights. Basically, it's exhausting, exciting, inspiring, and depressing all at the same time. But it's cool because you're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Christian musicians. I think the times of corporate worship are one of the most beautiful parts of the event.
Anyway, last year nearly my entire worship team went. It's an expensive event, so I wasn't able to go - and in fact this was my first year going since I really got remotely serious about keyboard and started playing decently. But this year we were able to make it happen, and it was kind of funny because not very many people from my church came this year (because of the price most of them do it every two years or so). Not that it matters all that much; I can take care of myself just fine, but it is nice to know people, especially during the concerts when most church groups are sitting together. But through some last-minute plans changing and a lot of ticket reshuffling, certain people cancelled and it ended up that my dear friend Bret and his amazing wife Carol came with their two boys for a good chunk of the weekend. And that was a big blessing because they kind of took me under their wing and let me hang out with them for most of the weekend. They even took me out to dinner with them on Friday - we get 1 1/2 hours for lunch and dinner both days, so it's a lot of time to kill if you're not doing anything or hanging out with people you know. It was super-sweet. And I can't really explain it all, but because of some things that have been happening, it just meant a lot to me. It was what I needed when I needed it, that kind of a thing.
The seminars were pretty much incredible. I took four on keyboard skills, and most of them were so helpful.....I just want to hole up with my keyboard for a long time and figure out all kinds of new things that I didn't know I could do before. I also went to one on stage presentation (which Bret informed me I had to attend) and that was also amazing - enlightening and devestating, so to speak. The whole thing is like that; you get really inspired, but then you see some of the talent that is way up there and it's kind of depressing. But also inspiring at the same time. It's a weird blend of feelings. The other seminar I went to was presented by Michael Gungor (the guy who wrote Friend of God) and was called the Theology of Creativity. And it would take me a very long post to describe what he said, but it was inspiring and enlightening. To condense it into just a couple of things (from my notes):
"God made you to be you. And you don't have to apologize for it. And you don't have to be embarassed about not fitting a mold. Safety and fear are the enemies of creativity. Being creative means being who God made you, and being that person with all your heart. Being creative is more about being you than being new."
But, all this great stuff notwithstanding, I think the biggest thing I got out of the weekend was something much smaller and much bigger at the same time. Smaller meaning it's not so intellectual - it's very simple. But bigger because it's so much harder and also more earthshattering. And it can be expressed in four words: It's not about me.
This might seem completely obvious to most of you, but for me it's a lesson I am continually learning and then forgetting again, and then God has to hit me on the head and teach it to me yet again. Some of it comes from being an only child I'm sure, where selfishness is so easy. But a lot of it is just me......it's an essence of being human, and one that I struggle with intensely. I think about my life and where it is potentially heading, and I always find myself questioning if it's what I want, if something else wouldn't make me happier, if leaving home is really the right thing to do........especially when I get that look from my worship team that says "please stay here forever."
But when it comes down to it, this story is not about us. Humans aren't even the main characters of the universe (believe it or not). God is the main and only character, and humans are simply the image of the creator within the creation - like an artist's signature. Our whole object is just to point back to the creator, and how marvelous He is.
Again, I'm sure to most of you (especially you good Calivinists who are probably a lot more familiar with the catechism than I) this is completely obvious. I think you have a much better grasp on this than I do. But what I can tell you is that - even though it's really hard - it's so exciting to learn it like it's new. Because even if I'm not entirely happy with "my" life (isn't that an oxymoron now?) from one circumstance to another, I'm not the one in charge of it. The one who created me and is older than the universe is in charge of it, and somehow He is marvelously good and loving. And the only way to express it is in a song Israel Houghton did this weekend called You Hold My World.
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
And I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed that You love me
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
And I'm not afraid, my world is safe
In Your hands, in Your hands
You won't let go
You won't let go
You won't let go
Never let go
Yeah. It's on youtube. And while you're there, look up Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor. Extraordinary song. Plus Gungor has a cello in his band. and a xylophone too. Yeah. :)
Which reminds me.....I'm going to go explore options for recreating cello parts for worship songs on my keyboard. and............homework. *sigh*
Friday and Saturday I was at the Christian Musician Summit up at Overlake, which is this huge conference for church musicians/worship team members that happens every year. Lots of seminars for everybody (guitarists, leaders, keyboardists, bassists, drummers, sound guys, light guys, etc.), several times of corporate worship in their massive auditorium led by amazing worship artists, and concerts both nights. Basically, it's exhausting, exciting, inspiring, and depressing all at the same time. But it's cool because you're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Christian musicians. I think the times of corporate worship are one of the most beautiful parts of the event.
Anyway, last year nearly my entire worship team went. It's an expensive event, so I wasn't able to go - and in fact this was my first year going since I really got remotely serious about keyboard and started playing decently. But this year we were able to make it happen, and it was kind of funny because not very many people from my church came this year (because of the price most of them do it every two years or so). Not that it matters all that much; I can take care of myself just fine, but it is nice to know people, especially during the concerts when most church groups are sitting together. But through some last-minute plans changing and a lot of ticket reshuffling, certain people cancelled and it ended up that my dear friend Bret and his amazing wife Carol came with their two boys for a good chunk of the weekend. And that was a big blessing because they kind of took me under their wing and let me hang out with them for most of the weekend. They even took me out to dinner with them on Friday - we get 1 1/2 hours for lunch and dinner both days, so it's a lot of time to kill if you're not doing anything or hanging out with people you know. It was super-sweet. And I can't really explain it all, but because of some things that have been happening, it just meant a lot to me. It was what I needed when I needed it, that kind of a thing.
The seminars were pretty much incredible. I took four on keyboard skills, and most of them were so helpful.....I just want to hole up with my keyboard for a long time and figure out all kinds of new things that I didn't know I could do before. I also went to one on stage presentation (which Bret informed me I had to attend) and that was also amazing - enlightening and devestating, so to speak. The whole thing is like that; you get really inspired, but then you see some of the talent that is way up there and it's kind of depressing. But also inspiring at the same time. It's a weird blend of feelings. The other seminar I went to was presented by Michael Gungor (the guy who wrote Friend of God) and was called the Theology of Creativity. And it would take me a very long post to describe what he said, but it was inspiring and enlightening. To condense it into just a couple of things (from my notes):
"God made you to be you. And you don't have to apologize for it. And you don't have to be embarassed about not fitting a mold. Safety and fear are the enemies of creativity. Being creative means being who God made you, and being that person with all your heart. Being creative is more about being you than being new."
But, all this great stuff notwithstanding, I think the biggest thing I got out of the weekend was something much smaller and much bigger at the same time. Smaller meaning it's not so intellectual - it's very simple. But bigger because it's so much harder and also more earthshattering. And it can be expressed in four words: It's not about me.
This might seem completely obvious to most of you, but for me it's a lesson I am continually learning and then forgetting again, and then God has to hit me on the head and teach it to me yet again. Some of it comes from being an only child I'm sure, where selfishness is so easy. But a lot of it is just me......it's an essence of being human, and one that I struggle with intensely. I think about my life and where it is potentially heading, and I always find myself questioning if it's what I want, if something else wouldn't make me happier, if leaving home is really the right thing to do........especially when I get that look from my worship team that says "please stay here forever."
But when it comes down to it, this story is not about us. Humans aren't even the main characters of the universe (believe it or not). God is the main and only character, and humans are simply the image of the creator within the creation - like an artist's signature. Our whole object is just to point back to the creator, and how marvelous He is.
Again, I'm sure to most of you (especially you good Calivinists who are probably a lot more familiar with the catechism than I) this is completely obvious. I think you have a much better grasp on this than I do. But what I can tell you is that - even though it's really hard - it's so exciting to learn it like it's new. Because even if I'm not entirely happy with "my" life (isn't that an oxymoron now?) from one circumstance to another, I'm not the one in charge of it. The one who created me and is older than the universe is in charge of it, and somehow He is marvelously good and loving. And the only way to express it is in a song Israel Houghton did this weekend called You Hold My World.
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
And I am amazed at Your love
I am amazed that You love me
You hold my world in Your hands
You hold my world in Your hands
And I'm not afraid, my world is safe
In Your hands, in Your hands
You won't let go
You won't let go
You won't let go
Never let go
Yeah. It's on youtube. And while you're there, look up Beautiful Things by Michael Gungor. Extraordinary song. Plus Gungor has a cello in his band. and a xylophone too. Yeah. :)
Which reminds me.....I'm going to go explore options for recreating cello parts for worship songs on my keyboard. and............homework. *sigh*
November 7, 2010
you go before me/you shield my way/your hand upholds me/and I know you love me/I know you love me
hello again. as my emotions are all over the place lately and I didn't want to leave you for too long with a semi-depressing post, I am posting again. today I am happy. :)
no matter how many time I say it (and I do realize that I say it a lot), I simply cannot reiterate enough how incredibly special my worship team is to me. I was on worship this weekend, and that is mostly why I am happy. actually, I was at the church pretty much all weekend long, because today was our second annual Rite of Passage ceremony..........something we started last year; I could take a long time to explain it but in a nutshell it is our church recognizing that the concept of being a "teenager" is an unhealthy, manmade thing, and that biblically children are called into adulthood once they are physically capable of reproducing life, and at that point we should start treating them like adults a bit at a time, and helping them mature. It's something we are doing to counteract the trend of youth being occupuyed all the time with youth programs but never really developing roots within the church - which is why so many people leave after they graduate. So the whole weekend was a lot of teaching about what it means to start acting like an adult, and what the older adults can change in their behavior toward "youth," and tonight was the ceremony, which is basically just a big celebration for teenagers who decide to step from this weird childhood phase into adulthood. I went through it last year with about thirty other kids, as it was the first year we did it. Tonight there were about ten who did it. It was just magical, watching my family (my church family) come around these people - watching this living thing that is the church become just a bit more intergenerational as we intentionally decide to expect more from my generation. It was magical watching adults who have for years been just annoyed by teenagers, giving these "kids" hugs and commiting to come alongside them as friends - to actually be interested in my struggles and my triumphs, and my walk with the Lord. It was a fabulous weekend. When I'm with my church family, hugs are abundant and the love is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I can't say enough how incredibly grateful I am for my worship team, my pastor, our women's pastor, and so many other individuals who have decided to love me and take an interest in me, even (and especially) at times when I've been so immature, so unlovable, and even closed to new relationships. I've just been looking back at the last four years since we started going to this church, and how much I have healed and grown since that time because of God's work through the people who have decided to surround me, be there for me, and help me along in this thing we call life.
So yes, despite school being crazy, and work still having issues, and family things continuing to be messy, and all the other random stuff sneaking up and attacking me all at once - today I am happy. And I am loved, by God and by His people. :)
no matter how many time I say it (and I do realize that I say it a lot), I simply cannot reiterate enough how incredibly special my worship team is to me. I was on worship this weekend, and that is mostly why I am happy. actually, I was at the church pretty much all weekend long, because today was our second annual Rite of Passage ceremony..........something we started last year; I could take a long time to explain it but in a nutshell it is our church recognizing that the concept of being a "teenager" is an unhealthy, manmade thing, and that biblically children are called into adulthood once they are physically capable of reproducing life, and at that point we should start treating them like adults a bit at a time, and helping them mature. It's something we are doing to counteract the trend of youth being occupuyed all the time with youth programs but never really developing roots within the church - which is why so many people leave after they graduate. So the whole weekend was a lot of teaching about what it means to start acting like an adult, and what the older adults can change in their behavior toward "youth," and tonight was the ceremony, which is basically just a big celebration for teenagers who decide to step from this weird childhood phase into adulthood. I went through it last year with about thirty other kids, as it was the first year we did it. Tonight there were about ten who did it. It was just magical, watching my family (my church family) come around these people - watching this living thing that is the church become just a bit more intergenerational as we intentionally decide to expect more from my generation. It was magical watching adults who have for years been just annoyed by teenagers, giving these "kids" hugs and commiting to come alongside them as friends - to actually be interested in my struggles and my triumphs, and my walk with the Lord. It was a fabulous weekend. When I'm with my church family, hugs are abundant and the love is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I can't say enough how incredibly grateful I am for my worship team, my pastor, our women's pastor, and so many other individuals who have decided to love me and take an interest in me, even (and especially) at times when I've been so immature, so unlovable, and even closed to new relationships. I've just been looking back at the last four years since we started going to this church, and how much I have healed and grown since that time because of God's work through the people who have decided to surround me, be there for me, and help me along in this thing we call life.
So yes, despite school being crazy, and work still having issues, and family things continuing to be messy, and all the other random stuff sneaking up and attacking me all at once - today I am happy. And I am loved, by God and by His people. :)
November 1, 2010
we reach for you/and we stand tall/and in our prayers and dreams we ask you/bless us all
hi there.
so, the rain is officially here, and I really, desperately need rain boots. the only problem is my definite aversion to spending money, especially as my Europe trip gets closer. but.....I'm walking to school and coming home with wet shoes, socks, and feet, which is unacceptable. so I think today I'll buy some rain boots.
life continues to be somewhat crazy. I've decided that I am able to have control over all the facets of my life at a time except one. so when school work are ok, my emotions are completely frazzled. when I get those under control, work stuff seems to go crazy. I focus on work for awhile and then my grades start to suffer. you see what I mean?
and that's about the point that my teachers start talking about group projects and final projects.
thankfully, today was the point when my teachers started talking about days off! no school Wednesday, no lab next Monday, and no school next Thursday. it's only by having one day off per week that I am able to keep the different facets from all exploding simultaneously.
but other than that, things are pretty good. I quit my job at Bath and Body Works, after five months of nothing but scheduling nightmares, and very little work. I'm a little sad that it didn't work out, because I liked the job and I liked the people I worked with. But I was spending more time working out my schedule than I was working, and for a maximum of one shift a week, it wasn't worth it. I just got another shift per week at Menchie's, so I'm really, really happy about that. :) I feel so relieved that have the hassle of three jobs gone now.
school is really rough these days. like I said, my grades are starting to go down a bit, which is a completely new phenomenon for me. I just don't have time to study. I barely have time to get all the homework done, and anything beyond the required homework just doesn't get done. It was going more or less ok until our third botany exam this past weekend, which I did terribly on. today I discovered that the whole class did about the same though (including some pretty smart people), so I didn't feel quite as bad. although I'm still wondering how to find time to do extra credit to bring my grade back up.
every day when I wake up and think about going to school, I want to just quit right now. I'm so sick of it all. it's so hard to balance a complete life, with work and school and family and friends, and all the other little stuff that comes up (I absolutely, positively have to vote today). this has been the worst quarter for me, and even though it's more than halfway over now, I wish it was all the way over - wish I could just stop and have time to read again, or play my piano. the only time I sit down at the piano these days is when I teach, or occasionally for worship practice. It's really sad.
but then I remind myself that after one more quarter I'll have my AA, and then I don't ever have to go to GRCC again, and I'll be off to Europe to pretty much just have fun for four months straight. it's only a few more months away, and I can put up with anything for such a short amount of time. with work and school, the thought of Europe some days is all that keeps me going. that and Christmas! the promise of Christmas will get me through to the end of this quarter.
and........I really should be going now. I'll try and give another update again soon. just - if you guys would keep me and my family in your prayers, that would be awesome. :)
<3
so, the rain is officially here, and I really, desperately need rain boots. the only problem is my definite aversion to spending money, especially as my Europe trip gets closer. but.....I'm walking to school and coming home with wet shoes, socks, and feet, which is unacceptable. so I think today I'll buy some rain boots.
life continues to be somewhat crazy. I've decided that I am able to have control over all the facets of my life at a time except one. so when school work are ok, my emotions are completely frazzled. when I get those under control, work stuff seems to go crazy. I focus on work for awhile and then my grades start to suffer. you see what I mean?
and that's about the point that my teachers start talking about group projects and final projects.
thankfully, today was the point when my teachers started talking about days off! no school Wednesday, no lab next Monday, and no school next Thursday. it's only by having one day off per week that I am able to keep the different facets from all exploding simultaneously.
but other than that, things are pretty good. I quit my job at Bath and Body Works, after five months of nothing but scheduling nightmares, and very little work. I'm a little sad that it didn't work out, because I liked the job and I liked the people I worked with. But I was spending more time working out my schedule than I was working, and for a maximum of one shift a week, it wasn't worth it. I just got another shift per week at Menchie's, so I'm really, really happy about that. :) I feel so relieved that have the hassle of three jobs gone now.
school is really rough these days. like I said, my grades are starting to go down a bit, which is a completely new phenomenon for me. I just don't have time to study. I barely have time to get all the homework done, and anything beyond the required homework just doesn't get done. It was going more or less ok until our third botany exam this past weekend, which I did terribly on. today I discovered that the whole class did about the same though (including some pretty smart people), so I didn't feel quite as bad. although I'm still wondering how to find time to do extra credit to bring my grade back up.
every day when I wake up and think about going to school, I want to just quit right now. I'm so sick of it all. it's so hard to balance a complete life, with work and school and family and friends, and all the other little stuff that comes up (I absolutely, positively have to vote today). this has been the worst quarter for me, and even though it's more than halfway over now, I wish it was all the way over - wish I could just stop and have time to read again, or play my piano. the only time I sit down at the piano these days is when I teach, or occasionally for worship practice. It's really sad.
but then I remind myself that after one more quarter I'll have my AA, and then I don't ever have to go to GRCC again, and I'll be off to Europe to pretty much just have fun for four months straight. it's only a few more months away, and I can put up with anything for such a short amount of time. with work and school, the thought of Europe some days is all that keeps me going. that and Christmas! the promise of Christmas will get me through to the end of this quarter.
and........I really should be going now. I'll try and give another update again soon. just - if you guys would keep me and my family in your prayers, that would be awesome. :)
<3
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