my baby gets depressed at night/all hope is gone with the twilight

within the last month or so I have been inside of this feeling

this weird feeling that everything is wrong, even though nothing in particular is wrong

and it's also the feeling that even though so many things are wrong, everything will be alright



so much of life is good right now. I'm working a lot and planning this fabulous trip to Europe. I have a lot of free time and get to hang out with my amazing friends more than ever. the weather has been, for the most part, good......and I don't have the things that normally stress me out to deal with. there is Nutella in the pantry and a book all about Dickens on the counter.



but at the same time, many things are so confusingly bad. there are family issues going on that make every day at home kind of interesting. someone I know slightly has 4-12 weeks left to live. some of my best friends are leaving and I won't see them all the time anymore. I feel like I am on the brink of something huge, and terrible, and that I really can't avoid falling in....I can only fight for awhile until I am exhausted.

lately I have been really anxious, with absolutely no cause. I mean, I'm not anxious about anything, but some nights I feel so worried in general that I could almost cry. and then I get depressed.

i don't know. a lot of it is probably just my hormones freaking out. but I think some of it is deeper too. I guess I'm at a place in my life that I always knew in my head I would get to, but never actually believed in. a couple of weeks ago I looked around (figuratively) and asked myself, how in the world did I get here? surrounded by my friends and remembering all the happy-go-lucky times when our biggest problems were transportation to sleepovers, I wondered, how did we all get here? I don't think any of us truly believed in this time, all the time we were growing up. we all thought "by the time I get to college I will be a responsible adult and won't be freaking out about my life and I will have wonderful, clear-cut direction and will be ready to move out and everything will have fallen into place."

I realize that our hormones are more or less on the rampage right now, but honestly I don't think we ever turn into that person, and that's why life keeps catching us by surprise. there will always be twists and turns and fuzzy direction (or no direction at all), we may never be truly mature or responsible, and there is ALWAYS something to freak out about and something else to cry about. at least, until we hit 30, at the very earliest.

I guess I think that if you're living life right, it's full of pain. don't get me wrong now, because it's full of joy too. but your heart can't fully feel the joy that it's meant to get out of life if it can't fully feel the pain that inevitably is going to come along with it.

and I'm not saying that my heart is in a good place and that's why I feel like crap lately. that was just kind of a side thought that crept its way into this rambling, depressing post.






anyhow, I think I am going to get some breakfast (yes, it is noon), take a shower, and then go to Goodwill, because I haven't been able to convince myself that I absolutely can't spend money right now. even though I ought to be saving every penny. *sigh*

as a quick update, I got the job at Menchie's (yay!!!!!) and will be working closing shift twice a week. I'm also getting transferred to the Auburn Bath and Body Works, which is another big yay!!!! because it's so much closer to me. only downside is that I'll be working at the Supermall. :/ but hopefully I'll be getting some more hours there soon, which is what I need. I finally got my piano student schedule worked out, and I will be teaching all seven of my students on Wednesday after school, and then promptly leaving for my shift at Menchie's until 11:00 or something like that. ridiculously long days, but I suppose I will survive. I'm rather excited for school to start, but at the same time I like my lazy days right now and don't really want them to go away.

yesterday I hung out with my friend Tanya, whom I haven't seen since school ended. we went out to an Italian place and split some tiramisu, after she devoured a plate of kalamari and I savoured a cup of chilled raspberry soup with mascarpone and toasted pine nuts. it was all very, very good, and we had some wonderful conversation catching up on life and summer. I took her down to Comstock's labyrinthine bookstore and we spent a happy hour looking through cookbooks and classics, and I bought The Friendly Dickens (like the Friendly Shakespeare, only about Dickens!) which makes me insanely, incredibly happy. it's a good thing too, because I need something to cheer me up right now.

other than that, nothing else exciting is happening. I will try to post a MUCH HAPPIER post soon!

even if i die tomorrow/i'll be glad my life was filled with songs/and maybe if i die tomorrow/these four chords will keep my living on

I am back.....back to life, back home, back to my church and my worship team and my jobs and my piano and all the things I love so much. it's so good to be back!

so my vacation was pretty wonderful. boating is a lot of fun and I seriously needed to relax and be disconnected from the world for awhile. although, two weeks was a little bit long. the first week was fantastic but by day 10 I was ready to be back home and had the energy to continue with life as I know it.

however, I got a lot of reading done, and some pretty good writing/journaling as well. I read the Art of Loving (Anna's reccommendation), Blue Like Jazz (thanks Elizabeth!), Oliver Twist, and a good chunk of the Old Curiosity Shop, and got a lot of planning for my trip to Europe done (so lots of guidebook reading). we saw nature in all its summer glory and lived cozily on a 28-foot floating home, conserving water and propane and electricity all the time, and never enjoying life more. my grandparents didn't even drive me as crazy as I thought they would.

so all in all it was a fantastic trip. but like I said, my batteries were recharged by day 10 and I wanted to come back home. so I'm VERY glad to be back.

a little update on what I'm up to nowadays........

I have an interview (praise the Lord!) at Menchie's on Thursday. keep your fingers crossed....I really want this job. I am also starting to work a little at Bath and Body Works - I'm doing some inventory this week and then we have a store meeting on Saturday which I think we get paid for. probably. I'm hoping that as some people go off to school I'll get more shifts, and especially as the holidays come on in the late fall, but I really need something more reliable from week to week so...............*crosses fingers about Menchie's*

I'm also getting back into the full swing of teaching piano starting the first week of September, and I'll have about 7 students this year, which is a great thing. and I'm doing some manual labor for my dad at his office - every little bit helps. it's so nice to be at home all the time, just worrying about work from day to day but having so many weeks left to enjoy my summer.

tomorrow morning I'm going to pick up some of the songs we'll be singing in choir this fall, because I'm playing the piano accompaniment again this quarter! I'm so happy that I'll have all this extra time to practice the music; that makes it all so much more manageable. it should be really fun too.

staying with the music theme, I pulled out my mom's old flute again and have been working on it just a little bit (I still suck but hey, it's fun). I'm also - and this is the really exciting news - learning drums!! lol, Mitchell is teaching me a little bit, and when I get time I go down to my dad's office and play on the drum set upstairs. it's absolutely a blast. I don't know if I'll ever be very good, because when school starts again I may not have time to practice anymore, but who knows? I'm enjoying it a ton for right now.

FINALLY, I am on worship again this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha, happy, happy, happy, happy day!!!!! I've missed my last three rotations, which means I haven't played since May, which means I'm feeling very deprived and depressed and missing my team like crazy. so it's absolutely fabulous to have my music to practice and know that on Saturday so many things will be back to wonderful. I can't wait for this weekend!

on Friday I'll be hanging out at the KC Fair for the day. two bands from my church will be playing a show in the evening, and during the day a few friends from my worship team are performing on one of the smaller stages together. I'm kind of marvelling at the idea that I get to go to the fair for the sole purpose of enjoying it, and not to do 4-H or to work or anything like that. it's exciting.

other than that, life just goes on one day at a time. if you guys could keep my family in prayer I'd appreciate it........there have been some issues and some fireworks here lately. I can't really go into detail, but please just pray that we'll all handle each other kindly and gently, and be understanding and patient (gosh I hate praying for patience). things are getting a lot better each day, but we could use all the prayers we can get. God is good, and He'll pull us all through. :)

I think that's about it. I'll probably give an update after my interview....................meanwhile you should all talk about how your summer is going. :P