I've got my memories/always inside of me/but I can't go back/back to how it was

change. stupid, stupid, stupid, awful change. drat it. :(

this quarter has been great and not-so-great at the same time. a very bipolar quarter. I'm SOOOO GLAD it's almost over. my Shakespeare teacher was right - these plays literally do effect our lives, and finishing up with Lear and Titus Andronicus is kind of disturbing. it's like living in a nightmare sometimes....not for long, but long enough. I miss my Taming of the Shrew days. I thought things were sketchy then, but how innocent it all seems now.

I'm sick of the material in my classes. I liked Titus the first time I read it. now I seriously think I've lost my mind and a good chunk of my morals too, and I just want to get away from it all and take a long, cleansing break. get better. write something good. read something better.

I'm reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao in my novels class. I think, so far, it averages about eight 4-letter words per page, most of them the f-word. yes. wonderful book, great choice for a writing class. what's not in "french" is in spanish, so I can't even understand the stuff that I might want to read. and if it's in actual English, it's talking about sex in some super-degrading, inappropriate way. If it were up to me, I'd never have gotten past the first page of this book.
and it's a freaking BESTSELLER.

the really disturbing thing to me is that, over this quarter, we've read six novels, starting with Persuasion and then moving on chronologically up to Oscar Wao (2008); and in each book the subject matter and the language just got worse and worse and worse and worse. it scares me that these are selections from our world over the past 200 years, and this is how bad it's gotten.

I'm thinking about writing a letter to my professor. seriously. I DON'T want my head filled with this stuff all day long. is this really the best example of modern lit he could come up with? does he not think it possible that maybe, just maybe, a few of his students don't want to read/write about sex and bad language and people doing horribly stupid things all day long? if it wasn't for the grade I now need to keep up, I'd.....
I don't know. but I'd do something, I'm pretty sure of it. :P



anyway, depressing, boring....I know, I know, blah blah blah. I wish I had something a little happier to write about. this week is going to be super-stressful. I have a piano lesson tomorrow and nothing at all prepared for it; spent the whole week working on Christmas stuff for the Celebration Dinner this Saturday. I'm really hoping my teacher isn't mad. I have a recital in a week and a half for my students....most of them aren't ready for it and neither am I. just got my worship music (for, you guessed it: this weekend). it's a week late and I don't see how I'll possibly have time to even look at the music between now and Saturday. practiced for a good three hours today and still didn't get through everything....just kind of stopped out of sheer exhaustion and it getting too late to play.



ok. let's not talk about that anymore, I'll just worry and it won't help a thing.

how was your Thanksgiving? mine was quite good. Thursday we went up to my grandparents' in West Seattle, where we helped with all the food and whatnot. my grandma's family came over from 2:00-3:00ish, when we started eating.
(as a note, I've never really cared much for my grandma's family. she's got two sisters and two brothers who are all extremely liberal and fanatical. they get it from their mom, who joined the communist party back in the war and is now a member of the 'Raging Grannies,' who are always and forever raging about something, be it the president or the environment or animal treatment or goodness-knows-what. my great-grandma is originally from Canada, and why on earth the whole family doesn't relocate there I haven't yet figured out. the whole eight years Bush was in office we couldn't get everyone together without hearing about how awful America was getting and how terrible the president was and how great Canada is. anyway, my aunt Karen is the oldest, and she's the most outspoken, liberal, and controlling of them all. and for goodness sake, somebody is always complaining about something. for the most part they've all got a lot of money, and everything is about comfort. drives me up the wall.)
so needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled about the gathering, though I love my grandparents. I love them a lot more when not surrounded by the rest of the family. =)
but overall it went fairly well. with Obama in office screwing up all their hopes and dreams, there was no talk of politics. only about half of the normal crowd actually showed up, so things were less crazy. wasn't as much drinking as usual, I think.....that or I've gotten used to half-drunk people, which is also possible. only two of my cousins (both in their twenties, and one of them I can actually carry a conversation with) were there, which made me more comfortable. usually I can avoid the adults well enough, and they don't pay attention to me, but it's the cousins I see every two years that I really dread.
I guess my family is a little odd. besides the Canadian-communist thing, and the numerous divorces/affairs, and the numerous vegetarians, some of these people are just going into really off-the-wall jobs. one of my cousins is going to school to get a masters in Librarian something-or-other, with a focus in Archiving. she's going to a Libraring School. ????
another cousin, with whom I've exchanged maybe ten words in my whole life (he had a bad case of shyness, anger management issues, and an afro in the earlier years when I knew him) is living somewhere in Canada going to school for something with linguistics. speaks French more than he speaks English. guess I'll see him at Christmas and New Year's, and mom wants me to talk to him.
"You should practice your French."
Yeah right. Talk about embarassing.
(what are we supposed to talk about anyway? sure, he's my cousin. I've found in life that I like my cousins less than almost anyone else I've ever met....that goes for all sides. there are one or two exceptions on all sides, but overall, I don't even know them because we never see each other, and when I do see them they aren't people I'd generally talk to.)
but I'm expected to carry on not only a civil, but a polite convesation. guess I'll do my best.
but in English, not French.



ok, back to Thanksgiving. we ate too much, sat around talking, tried not to fall asleep. ate dessert when we could actually eat any more.....the family stayed way too late, drank a little too much wine. watched some football.....I made frequent trips downstairs (maybe a dozen or so more than were strictly necessary) to check on the dog and cats.
at long last, everyone had gone, and we settled in for the night. Friday was our holiday baking day (me, mom, and grandma), and so we were staying the night. actually, I was staying the whole weeked, and mom and day were staying through Saturday.
we watched a movie, I think, and then all went off to bed. had to be well-rested, as baking day is a long and exhausting event, though extreme fun. so, Friday we spent in the kitchen, covered in flour, baking five different kinds of cookies (in addition to the four varieties that we had baked the week before), eating cookie dough, setting timers and washing the mixing bowl out for the four hundredth time, adding whole eggs to things instead of just the yolks by mistake (don't try this, it doesn't work!), getting flour over everything no matter how gradually it was added, and pausing only for a quick lunch break - Thanksgiving dinner leftovers. at the end of the day, when we finally turned off the oven and finished bagging the last of the cookies, we went out to an Indian restaurant for dinner, as nobody was up to cooking. that night we watched the Princess Bride together before bed.

Saturday morning we women did our Christmas shopping! (we're not brave enough to do Black Friday shopping, so we go on Saturday when a lot of the sales are still on but the lines are seriously diminished.) we went up to Bellevue (where, by the way, everything is more expensive) and hit Sears, Marshall's, Starbucks, the Sprint store (like my whole family has Blackberries now and none of us know how to use them....my grandma has one and I've decided that people of a certain age should just be banned from having them), and Fred Meyer. find good stuff in odd places, I guess. spent a lot of time and money in Marshall's and Fred Meyer, where my grandma bought a whole bunch of clothes for both me and my mom, which we can't have until Christmas. I'm willing to wait though, because there are some really cute clothes waiting for me which I couldn't have bought for myself. :) My mom's excited too.

we came back to their house in the afternoon and my mom left pretty soon after that. dad had left that morning, to return home and put up the Christmas lights! we bummed around for the afternoon, kind of exhausted; ate leftovers for dinner and read for awhile. around 7:00 my grandpa and I were both sitting on the couch, brain-fried, exhaustified, and staring at the TV like something magical would appear on it.
"want to watch something?"
"sure. what?"
"I don't know."
"Netflix on-demand!"
so we spent about half an hour narrowing down a genre, and another half hour finding a movie (exaggeration added), and finally settled on My Best Friend's Wedding, which I had only seen once, edited, a long time ago, and which my grandparents had never seen. we watched it together, my grandparents both stayed awake for the entire thing (this has honestly NEVER happened before), and we all really enjoyed it. went to bed and researched backpacks for my Europe trip, because.....

Sunday morning we headed to REI. basically, my whole Christmas/birthday wish list is stuff I'm gonna need for Europe. so we went to look at backpacks, sleeping bags, sleeping pads, shoes, and goodness-knows-what-else. my grandpa rides his bicycle a lot so he knows REI well, and my grandma is just an absolute shopper at heart and almost can't resist buying something if she sees "Sale" or "Clearance" (especially this latter one). and they both are picky and like quality (aka expensive) stuff, so REI is just great for them.
long story short, I found an amazing backpack, which I'm getting for my birthday (yay!!!! SUPER excited). the gal helping me was just about my height, same body shape, and knew what she was talking about when it came to backpacks. then she brought us over to the sleeping bag section and delivered us to Peter, the nice older gentlemen who spent a good half hour helping me try on sleeping bags. no joke. took my shoes off and got on a table thing, and tried on about half a dozen different ones before deciding one one which ought to keep even me warm in an English summer. I'm getting this for Christmas. :D

looked at shoes for about 15-20 minutes, but I was worn out, and my ultimate nemesis is shoe shopping, and since I've got a year and a half till I leave I decided shoes could wait. not to mention, we were hungry. so we collected and went home to lunch, after which I packed up all my stuff and was returned back to my own house.

where, two hours later (after severely over-cooking a pizza and some curly fries), six girls from my class joined me to work out costumes and rehearse our presentation for class on Thursday. stayed till 10:00, and I finally got to bed, thoroughly worn out. long weekend. fun, but long.

so, not looking forward to this week. but I'll get through it (I think with a little help from Starbucks, maybe). though the weekend will be CRAZY, I'm really looking forward to it. Monday's a study day....I'll just sleep through it. :P

I'm not your saint/I'm not your savior

I'm doing better. meaning, ok instead of completely stressed out.

these last two or three weeks I've kind of spent a ton of time holed up in my room either reading or writing for school. I feel so distanced from my family though.....I mean, I get mad at my mom for no reason, and my dad and I hardly talk because we hardly even see each other. but I suppose pretty soon this will get better too. I guess, really, it's already getting better. these last couple of weeks have been nightmarish though.

I have this huge project in Shakespeare that I'll be doing next week. it's a group project, which is cool because not all of the workload is on me, but it's not cool because we all have to collaborate and be on the same page, and we don't have much time to pull it together. but it's going to be really good, and the majority of the work got done today or will be getting done tomorrow. it involves sock puppets. :P

Playing piano about two hours a day, and still not practicing enough for lessons because I'm trying to pull all this other stuff together for background music/carols at the celebration dinner on the 5th. my teacher was really understanding today though, which is unusual. so that made me feel better too. she reminded me that your life will show up in your music - I've been stressed so my music is really tense; I can't relax. but I'm trying. doesn't it sound weird that you're trying hard to relax? but I practiced this evening and it was a lot better. confidence is getting better.

hmmm.....been cooking dinner all month long. I swear nowadays I spend half my life in the kitchen. it's kind of fun though - after hours sitting in a chair in my room staring at a computer screen, it's nice to be on my feet in the kitchen for awhile. but it does take up a lot of time and a fair amount of creativity. my absolute favorite kitchen ingredients are Worcestershire sauce and rock salt. garlic helps a lot too, and onion is just great. these things have brightened many an average meal this month. and now I really want to make meatloaf again.....

lately I just want to read a lot, and just this week I've wanted to start writing again. I mean, just for fun. I've been writing almost daily all quarter long, something either for Shakespeare or for Intro to Novels, and my writing has really improved. been reading a lot of different things too, and I think all these different styles are influencing me. been reading everything from Austen to Dostoevsky to Shakespeare to modern teenage skaz like Catcher in the Rye, expletive-filled-crap like the current (and last!) Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. the only thing good about this book is the long title, because it increases the word count in my forum posts by a lot. but I've been reading other stuff too. my Shakespeare class has a blog on Ning, so I'm reading everyone else's posts once a week, and comments through the week. my friend Bret, who I talked about a little in my last post, used to blog a bit and I was reading some of his old posts because he's just an incredible writer. in terms of reader enjoyment, I think I like to read his work more than anything else; he has a crazy amazing way with words, either spoken or written. and he makes the awesomest similes EVER, lol. probably comes from song-writing.

which makes me laugh, because his job is completely math-based. don't you hate people who are good at both math and English? and music too? doesn't seem fair....

anyway. if I had five hours free each day, instead of five hours divvied up between homework and piano practice, I'd probably spend all five reading. or maybe four reading and the fifth writing. right now....it's just a thing. big cups of tea, rain and cold and wind outside, and so many memories of past years. this time of year just floods me with memories of youth and innocence and free time, and how life "used to be," "back in the day." maybe it's why, with a birthday in January, I always pick right now to start freaking out about turning 15/16/17/now 18. and really....18 is just such a BIG and IMPORTANT number. pretty sure I'm not ready for it yet.

but my reading list for Christmas break is forming itself. first thing after Thanksgiving, I'm reading A Christmas Carol. then I'll finish up the Mystery of Edwin Drood (do you have any idea how annoying it is to read a mystery that is left unfinished? seriously. why did Dickens have to go and die? I know Jasper didn't do it....Dickens had some brilliant twist to throw in at the end. but of course he wouldn't leave any notes, not even the tiniest hint about the end of the story. *exasperated sigh*). then I'm going to treat myself to a re-read of the Hobbit that will probably occupuy the whole of two days with big blankets and a full pot of tea.

after that, the list grows a little hazy. I'm thinking about Crime and Punishment, because I'm not sure I'll be able to handle Dostoevsky during next quarter, with 14 credits at school. but I also really want to read Mansfield Park and Northanger Abbey, and so complete my education in Austen. we'll see where I get.

other plans over Christmas break include:

-a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon (mom's idea)

-a Lord of the Rings marathon (my idea)

-having my youth group over for a party which will most likely include Farmhouse cookies (Anthony's idea)

-probably doing some kind of overnight with my aunt Kari, which will most likely include Jane Austen movies or sewing or genealogy-related things.

-introducing Dexter to Pike Place Market sometime the week after Christmas, if he ends up driving over here from snowy Idaho.

-making gingerbread houses with Becca. or, according to her, gingerbread castles. probably both.

other than that, I'm deliberately keeping my schedule very open. there'll probably be a party here and there, and lots of hanging out with other people who are on break. I'm so ridiculously excited for break! I love my Shakespeare class, and am indifferent towards my novels class, but I'm just really ready for them both to be done. I am sort of looking forward to this project. finals week won't be too hard. but I feel like I've been working hard without a break all month long, and Christmas fever is setting in, and Thanksgiving is two days away.....it's just that time of year. once Christmas lights start coming out and I start my Christmas shopping, it's just time.

so. the countdown has begun. 16 days until Christmas break. just a week of presentations and a week of finals.

bring it on.

this may be the longest post in the history of my blog. just warning you. good luck and....gentlemen, start your engines!

ok. another late night, another blog post.

I am feeling a little down, so I'm sorry if this post is depressing. or confusing.

things are, for the most part, getting better. but I've been having some really rocky times with a few relationships lately, and that's taking its toll. I guess since I'm more of an introvert, the friends I do have are really really close (even if we don't talk a lot or see each other much, I have close, strong friendships, and not many shallow acquaintances). So whenever there are bumps (or potholes) in the road, I tend to take it pretty hard.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at here. Life in general is just driving me kind of crazy. we're into King Lear in Shakespeare, and only the promise of Titus Andronicus to come, so even though I like the people in my class, and the teacher, each day only really provides troubling or depressing thoughts, not happy ones like when we were doing The Taming of the Shrew. it seems like when we hit Richard III, the 'winter of our discontent' got started. with the change in the weather and a freezing walk to school every morning, I just come home feeling a little colder inside, not warmer like it used to be. I'm not looking forward to winter quarter.

especially since my friend Becca can't take choir and PE with me after all, so now I'm stuck doing them by myself. I'm gonna get lonely. well, I'm already lonely. I guess I just don't like thinking about it getting any worse.

I'm sad because it doesn't look like a Christmas party/sleepover is going to work out after all. it leaves me with a long, empty-looking Christmas break. my mom is all about cutting back on activities this year, staying home more. I love my family but right now I can't think of anything much worse. I mean, I'm already home all the time. honestly, my parents are gone a lot. they are gone during the day when I'm doing nothing, and then when I want to go do something in the evenings they complain about how I'm never home.

ok, that's not true. I'm painting it worse than it is to try and get your sympathy.

(is it working?) :P

*sigh* my mom just came in and started talking. for a good, solid half hour. and she's really tired, so she's talking about nothing whatsoever. and I'm feeling VERY introverted and wanting to just be alone and write and maybe cry or something.

"it feels like you're irritated at me."

"I'm not irritated. at you."

she starts talking about vacuum cleaners. about the big argument that took place this morning at the office over the vacuum cleaner. and how ridiculous it was. and I'm thinking, how ridiculous is it right now, you recounting the whole vacuum cleaner argument to me?

but she finally left, went off to bed, leaving me still vascillating between a hot bath and finishing King Lear, or a few more wasted hours on the computer. I still haven't decided.

one thing I have decided however, is to shorten my Europe trip considerably. I got a dose of cold feet and reality at the same time, and it proved to be more than I could handle. so what I'm doing is this: I'm gonna stay home this year through summer and keep on working...try to get some more students. next fall/winter I'm still gonna be at home, and I'm going to finish up my AA (so help me God....though this is another new point of stress in my life and in my paternal relationship. seriously, you have no idea how amazing part-time running start is with no pressure to actually get a degree). in the spring I'll leave for Europe, and just spend a month in Germany with Cosi's family, a month in Paris, and a couple months in England/Scotland/Wales/Ireland. then I'll come home and start missions college in MN in August.

though I'm mourning the loss of Italy, I feel much more peaceful about this part of my life. I finally came to the realization that although I could earn the money, make the plans, and do the trip, I'd be physically gone all of next year but "gone" most of this year trying to either make money like crazy or make plans. this way, I'll actually be home this year, not have to worry about holding down (and finding) another job somewhere, and I'll be able to relax a little more with my expenditures in Europe. it's all-around better.

the only thing I'm now discovering with a cold shock is that so many of my friends who are planning to leave next fall are already in that state of "gone." all of a sudden I have this time, and I so much want to spend this last year before the-rest-of-my-life with my dear, close friends, but they're not here anymore. we waited too long.

and I've never learned how to let go. it's like.....I can't.

meanwhile, the weather's getting colder but not enough for snow. Thanksgiving is coming but it isn't quite Christmas yet. it's that part of fall quarter where everyone feels like dying. it's depressing but busy.

here I am, blowing around with the wind, so it seems. I think I'll spend the next few days looking for my anchor.

************************************************************

ok. are you ready for the happy news?

I'm on worship this weekend. dinner at Frankie's tomorrow night!!!!! although, we have a lot of subs this weekend because of the Christian Musician Summit that about half my team is attending. so it's still not quite the same. but tomorrow I get to talk Roger into playing a TSO song on our next rotation, when we break into all-out Christmas music. this I am excited for.

I got a new Bible. it's a study Bible, in the new living translation, and it looks pretty fantastic. I'm happy about this because it helps me to read more, and to study the Bible more as opposed to just reading it. I L-O-V-E this translation. I practically devoured it when I was in India.

I've been playing a LOT lately. in flute, I can play just about two octaves of the three octave range, which isn't bad. the really low and really high notes are still tough. but overall it's sounding better and I'm playing faster. I need to work on Christmas stuff to play for Christmas!

for piano though, I'm just overall playing a ton. there's my lesson stuff, which is really hard but I'm having so much fun that I don't notice it much. you know how you feel after doing some really hard work for awhile and then sitting back and seeing the progress you've made? there's some of that same sense of satisfaction to my practice. for once in my life I feel like a really good musician. I'm not a great musician, and I know that, but I'm getting some of the confidence I've always lacked, and it helps me play better.

Bret, the electric guitarist on my worship team, has been helping me a lot. nothing really concrete, mostly just inspiring pep-talks over email. I remember my first couple of rotations on worship, when I was absolutely terrified of the whole thing. Him on one side, and Roger on the other, huge grins on their faces to remind me to smile and keep good stage presence. I bombed one section where I was kind of supposed to be standing out, and Bret jumped in and covered it all up for me. and then he gave me one of the greatest pieces of musical advice ever: if you hit a wrong note, play it twice and call it jazz. the next day Roger took it over so I didn't have to do it until I had a little more experience. they've both been great..........mentor-figures I guess.

it's funny, because back before I knew him, I was actually kind of frightened of Bret. he's a musician inside and out, and also a perfectionist. and his focus is intense. like, interrupting him is just really not a good idea. and he's also bipolar. which makes for some really interesting days. :)

but even though he's such a great musician and a perfectionist, he somehow has this safe zone of understanding, and he knows just the right words to inspire confidence. and mistakes are just ok. that's all there is to it. you forget it, you move on, you always work to do better.

Bret plays with Roger in their band (I talked about it in a previous post, they played at the fundraiser). I was possibly going to be playing a song with them, and I helped them anyway with set up and tear down, so Bret and I were emailing quite a bit the last couple of weeks, working out coordination and things like that.....with random conversational topics thrown in as well. through the whole thing he's just been really great, really sweet, and giving me some tips and some of those mini-pep-talks that have really helped me all week.

as a result of this, I guess, I've started really working on my improv skills. or rather, I should say, my lack of improv skills. working on getting the theory from my head to my hands - what it takes to be able to play in a band. it's proving to be one of the hardest things I've ever tackled. but at the same time, it's fun. and it's making me a better musician when it comes to chord music.

which is great because I just started playing for youth group again. so far we've only played once (last night), and we sucked pretty bad, but we're getting it all together. the main problem is that our drummer can't keep a beat and our bass player doesn't have a musical bone in his body. other than that, we're doing ok. even if we bomb all the time, it's a good experience for me. not having an electric guitar (or really any rythym instruments, when you consider that we would be better off without the drums and bass), I'm forced to carry a lot more of the musical weight. and I'm front and center on the stage which makes me nervous. AND we don't have a clue which songs we're gonna play until we show up.

"ok, so we're just going to play through each song once and try to get through them all before youth group starts. just listen really closely to me and try to follow."

that's about what it looks like. =)

but it was still fun. I like my team and it feels good to do it. it feels right. I'm enjoying chord playing more than I ever have before, and there's the budding promise of a confidence that's 'just over the horizon' which is kind of spreading its first rays to everything else. in this one part of my life, I'm reaching stability.

which is going to be important as everything else falls apart.

thank you for bearing with me through this stream-of-consciousness. must be painful to read, but always remember:

if you've made it this far

you're where monsters are

ok, that really wasn't what I wanted you to remember. (go Pooh Bear!) but seriously, you guys are amazing and I love you all dearly. I don't know what I'd do without this blog thing.

and I'll try to have another 'happy post' up in the near future. probably after this weekend playing keys. I just have this feeling that it's going to be amazing. :)

some new stuff

1. my mom has a severe cold. she sounds like she's on death's door most of the time. actually, she sounds like Bilbo Baggins after riding the barrels all the way to Dale, when he says "thank you very much" like "thag you bery buch."

2. speaking of Bilbo, I'm trying to decide if I should tackle Crime and Punishment next, or re-read the Hobbit. I know two people who are reading the Hobbit right now, so I'm thinking it might be a sign. I may save Crime and Punishment for Christmas break. never mind the fact that I don't have time for either, because we're starting a new novel in my online english class and a new play in my on-campus one. and I ought to be reading both of those right now, but instead I am blogging away, because it's much more fun and like I said before, I just need to write. I stayed up super-late last night writing just about everything that needed to come out, and I feel so much better for it today.

3. went to Mars Hill with Anna tonight, and it was a really awesome service. their band is truly amazing. I wish my church did hymns like that.

4. getting cold feet about going to Europe for such a long time, and wondering if it's worth it to do nothing but work between now and then, just to be gone forever. seriously thinking about shortening my trip A LOT, and enjoying my very last year at home. it's so hard to think about leaving in a year - leaving for good. I mean, I'll be back home occasionally, but when I think of Europe, and then college in another state, and then India for the foreseeable future, I don't even want to think about working every spare hour this whole year, and missing the last part of my life at home. I have to talk to my parents about this. I'm longing for some kind of normality though. I'd like for my Christmas wish list to having CDs and piano music and normal stuff on it, instead of the giant list of backpacking things that I need but can't afford.

5. loving and hating life. I love to be home, I hate to be micromanaged. It's a trade-off though, I guess. it could be a lot worse.

6. I'm coming back to God after a long absense. it's so refreshing. I hate dry spells, don't you? but perhaps that's what makes coming back so absolutely perfect. I wish I could be like so many other people though, who seem to have it mostly together.

7. I think I prize raw honesty above everything else. the people I admire most in my life right now are incredibly screwed-up individuals who are NOT the models of a perfect Christian, but who admit it and humbly ask for help. they are rough-around-the-edges people who give 100% or nothing at all. but they are super-encouraging to me, and I know when I ask 'how are you?' I'm going to get the truth in response. I love this. REAL people - such a novel concept....

8. I had a major breakthrough with something personal this weekend. I don't really want to talk about details, but I know it had a lot to do with my spiritual dry-ness, and so through lots of writing and a few deep conversations with God, I'm feeling like I'm coming out of it. It's really amazing and I'm just so glad it's over. I've been an emotional mess for a few weeks now because of it, so it's good to be able to start looking at it as something that's over, instead of something I'm in the middle of.

9. I'm incredibly excited for Christmas!!!!!!!!! and my brain has finally started working, and I'm finally starting to come up with some gift ideas for people. this is exciting, because it means I can start shopping. my Christmas break is looking long and empty. I'm having visions of hot chocolate, blankets, and books. and sugar plums, of course.

10. is it raining out there? it's raining in here. Seriously though, it started pouring out in Enumclaw Thursday night at the end of youth group, and it's been pouring off and on ever since. I'm rather enjoying it, when I get to stay inside and just listen to it. hoping it stays away during my walks to/from school though....

11. I think 10 is enough for now. I really need to go read Act 1 of King Lear because we're talking about it in class in 10 1/2 hours. and I need to read this other book for my other class, because I have an assignment due on the first half of it on Tuesday, and I've only read chapter 1 so far. I hate this professor though, he said he'd post our assignment over the weekend, and is it up yet? no......

12. I'll stop complaining now and go do my work.



hearts and hugs to everyone - I love you guys!

Everybody cut footloose!

ok. I'm only writing this because I've wanted to make a new post for about a week now and just haven't had either time or motivation (more frequently no motivation) to sit down and do it.

there are a billion things I need to write about on my own. therapeutically. I think there's an off-chance I'm losing my mind.

because of this, I don't have a lot to say on here. it's mostly just stuff I need to hash out with my journal. I've been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too emotional this week.

but anyway, the cold is gone. it lasted all of two days, I got a ton of sleep because I had no school tuesday or thursday, so it's all better now (though my mom is sick, but with something different).

last night at youth group it started pouring down rain, I mean sheets of rain, and lots of wind, so Becca and I ran outside and started spinning around. and then we realized how freaking cold it was and came back inside after about three seconds. but we got really wet. then we had to make a dash out to our cars, and as I was unlocking my door I thought I tripped over something - I looked down only to realize that it was a really huge puddle I had just run through.

so I drove home with a very wet pantleg and sock. and came home and put fuzzy socks on.

tonight was the fundraiser at our church. you know how I'm always saying how my church is overflowing with musical talent? well, this fundraiser (for new chairs in our sanctuary because the old ones look like crap) was basically two bands that have formed from people within our church. The Pilots are brand new....they are mostly late teens/early twenties and play normal, modern music. and they are incredible. I've heard them twice now and they're sooooo good. the other band is Roger and the Hubcaps. Roger is my worship leader, and back in college he and Bret (our electric guitarist) started this band with three other guys. they didn't play for a long time but a few years back they got back together and started playing a few gigs. they play oldies/rock and roll stuff from the 60's on.

they played Footloose and it was amazing. everybody was dancing. we had a fantastic time.

so anyway, I'm very very very tired now. I'm going to go to bed and sleep like the dead. I hope I'm not sore tomorrow. I'm too young to be sore. and I'll write more soon-ish. for some reason I really feel like writing this week.

"What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough." "What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough!"

let's see....interesting news:

I have a cold. I'm going to blame it on Anthony, because I saw him at church yesterday and this morning he said he's sick and then this afternoon I started sneezing and sniffling. I'm guessing he gave me whatever he has. it kind of sucks.

I've finally got my classes figured out for next quarter. it's changed about a billion times this week alone, but it's worked out to Choir at 9:00, Kickboxing two days a week at 10:00, Psychology at 11:00, and History of Art online. I'm hoping I can handle all that and figure out a way to either teach more or get a part time job on top of it. I'm once again working out the master plan for this Europe trip thing, and wondering where in the world all this money is going to come from......

my mom bought stops for her old flute so that I can play it (stops are basically just a way that makes it easier to play a flute...good for beginners like me!). I've been playing a bit each day and am getting a lot better at those high notes, although breathing is still tricky. it's getting better though.

I've played piano for an hour almost every day this week, and I'm noticing improvement in all my songs. this is encouraging. my teacher is going to be happy. :P

I have the house to myself tonight and am seriously thinking about finishing Richard III, finishing Great Expectations, and finishing the DVD of the Taming of the Shrew that I started two weeks ago. and possible a big hot mug of tea.

on Halloween we watched a bunch of movies and stayed up extremely late. Anna came over for a few hours and we made death-by-chocolate-caramel-and-other-stuff caramel apples. we dipped them in caramel, chocolate, and then again in caramel, and added coconut and chocolate and sprinkles and fun things like that. and the first time my parents tried melting the chocolate it "seized." which basically means it's no good anymore and you can't use it for dipping.

mom: what do you mean it can't be fixed? that's just not right.

dad: can be caused by melting on too high of heat....

mom: there wasn't any heat! it was just sitting here!

dad: ....or by adding liquid such as water.....

mom: oh.

dad: ....or by adding cool liquid such as water or milk.

mom: oh. ooops.

so we then poured the seized chocolate into a bowl, added peanut butter, poured more chocolate over it, and topped with the leftover caramel. it tastes like a big Snickers bar smashed together with a Reece's bar.

so we watched Ocean's 12, with Anna rushing out the door at the last second of the last scene so she wouldn't miss her curfew.

and then we watched The Happening. t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g. that's really the only way to describe it. it was so scary. of course it was dark (that's really the only way to watch a scary movie), and the whole movie is about this stuff in the air - supposedly released by the angry plants that feel threatened by human existence - that starts in Central Park and turns off the self-preservation thing in peoples' brains, basically making them kill themselves in many various and creative ways. it spreads all around northeast U.S., and of course there's the couple with the little girl trying desperately to stay alive the whole time.

yes, it was terrifying. so when it was over I decided we needed to watch a happy movie. because I absolutely hate going to bed right after watching a scary movie in the dark. it's almost as bad as parking garages.

so we watched Lost in Austen, which has been sitting on our shelf, borrowed from my aunt, for several weeks now. I didn't think it would be very good, but to my surprise I really liked it. despite is incredible lenth (I think it's like 3 hours long or something), it's really cute and I enjoyed it. it's about this young woman who lives in modern-day London, and is absolutely obsessed with Pride and Prejudice. and then she finds a portal to Regency England, into the Bennet family's house (well, ok, Elizabeth is actually the one who finds it). she and Elizabeth accidentally trade places for awhile, and she makes a royal mess of the whole story (marries Jane off to Mr. Collins, and Mr. Bingley falls in love with the wrong person, etc.) and then has to try and fix it. while falling in love with Mr. Darcy, of course. and meanwhile Elizabeth is learning how to survive in modern-day London......

:P anyway. it was cute.

and I am now going to make that cup of tea I promised myself, find a really big, warm blanket, and read my books.

because I can.