transcend time/with my thoughts/build a house for you and I/and we will live there/alone and surrealize

has it really been a week since I posted? it doesn't feel like a week, somehow. I guess I've just been working really hard on stuff.

I feel this wonderful sense of accomplishment! FINALLY finished my TEFL course (though my tutor hasn't gotten back to me on the last module yet, but all the work is done). YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, I finally wrote up a flyer thing to send out to our old co-op about piano lessons. I really need some more students, and I'd like to take homeschoolers if possible, so I can teach during the day instead of late in the evening. So hopefully that will get sent out today. it's been on my mind for like a week and a half.

Guess what happened yesterday? I finally caved in and drove to school....it was still in the 30's when I had to leave, so I decided to drive. Left the house at 9:35 and got to the school by 9:40.........

..........9:55 came home and had mom give me a ride to the school.

NO PARKING ANYWHERE.

*sigh* I'm so used to parking for 8:00 classes when there are tons of spaces still open at 7:45, 7:50. I don't think I've ever tried to park there for a 10:00 class.

so yeah, mom dropped me off and I think I walked into my class right at 10:00 (thank goodness for stay-at-home moms!)....and then walked home. in the freezing cold. which was not fun.

yeah. so now I'm not sure what to do. Becca and I are trying to work out carpooling next quarter. it may involve a PE class. >:(

mmmmmmmmmmm.........aren't cinnamon rolls the best? I made gingersnaps a couple of nights ago, while we carved our pumpkin and watched You've Got Mail, and they turned out really well! except they aren't as soft and chewy as I'd like. you just never know with gingersnaps.

finished that huge essay on Tuesday and got it turned in. life is most definately calming down. which is good because now I have a trip to Europe to plan......

alright my friends, of to Shakespeare and the wildness that is My Class + Richard III!!!!

(oh one last thing. yesterday I had to write down words of so many syllables with certain stress patterns for TEFL. wrote down curMUDGeon....it was pretty fantasting. then I was saying everything with a British accent. try it - it's addicting.

tomato.

and try reading furniture, written out in the phonetic alphabet. comes out as funitshe. British accent - there are no "r's" in the word. that one took me a loooong time to figure out.)

my baby cousin got bigger since I spent three days in the hospital with him back in July

I've been meaning to post for forever. I've had this 'new post' page open for days now, but no time to get to it. life is...crazy.

I know, I'm always saying that. the thing is, I wasn't expecting life to be crazy right now. I was expecting laid-back. so it's kind of caught me off-guard.

with Cosi gone now, I'll have a lot more time - like I'm used to. not that I'm glad she's gone....I'll probably be lonely and miserable for a few days. but I am glad that every spare minute will once again be my own. yes - I am an only child and I'm selfish about my time. :P

we saw her off at the airport today; it was really tough. she's so scared.....flying by yourself is really a terrifying thing the very first time. and when you have to give the very last hug and finally face the rest of the journey alone, that is the hardest part. Needless to say, there were some tears shed and some really tight hugs, and quite a few promises made. so far, I'm doing ok. I spent the whole afternoon working on finishing up another TEFL module that I never expected would take so long....

.....TEFL has been crazy, but really good for me. I've had so many mixed feelings about "the future" lately. do I really want to be a teacher? can I handle living in India? sometimes I think no and sometimes yes. but since I really jumped back into finishing up my TEFL course (it expires in a week) it's been more on the yes side of things. I've had a hard time processing this trip, just because I learned so much about what it really takes to live in India; I saw so much bad and so little good for a whole month. that was tough. being homesick all the time and knowing there's nothing you can do about it is tough. on top of that, I haven't really talked a lot about this trip with anyone, and I've been SO BUSY since I got back that I haven't even had much time to think. so every time I do think, something new and hard hits me. and I think.....do I really have what it takes? but what if I don't want to live in India?

sometimes normal seem boring. but most of the time, it's really so....wonderful.

but anyway, it's not about what I want anymore. I usually want what's not good for me anyway. and like I said, since I got back into my TEFL stuff, I've forced myself to look at the future even more practically.

it's funny, in all my growing-up years, I've never wanted to be a teacher. ever. except maybe for homeschooling my own kids, which is way different.

and now, here I am, planning a future in teaching. it's crazy. I love that our God is a God of surprises. imagine how boring life would be if we always got to follow the original plan.

so besides TEFL (which is literally every spare minute of my time, since I still have two modules to finish in a week's time), I have an essay due on Tuesday that I just started thinking about today; a book to read and research by the end of the month, a forum post which I just discovered is due in five minutes (thank you ANGEL....that's gonna be a late assignment), worship this weekend, piano lessons to teach, piano lesson to practice for, and family in from out of town.

I don't know how I'm doing this. it never seemed like it would be a lot, but now that I'm in it, it's too much. everybody wants 100%, and I can only give about 5% to each, so now everybody's mad.

my piano teacher not the least of all.

anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep and get my seven measley hours, and see if tomorrow ends up ahead or behind.

i wanna run/i want to hide/i wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside/i wanna reach out/and touch the flame/where the streets have no name

I went to French this afternoon, for the very last time. Sat down next to Cosi and we chatted for a few minutes about our day while Madame came around collecting everyone's cell phones. When she was finally ready to start, she began her opening remark: starting in a low voice, she worked her way up the scale - longer and more drawn out than has been normal - finally summiting at a loud and energetic, "Classe de francais!" At which remark, we students rapped our hands twice on our desks and then clapped once, in unison. So began class.

Because, after over one week of work on l'imparfait tense, the class still cannot correctly conjugate a singe thing, the day's quiz had been moved to friday - to give us more time to practice and study. I brought The Sheltering Sky to class, since I have an assignment on the next 100 pages of this book due tomorrow. Guess I should be working on that now....

anyway, I spend the first 20 minutes reading this, since the rest of the class (except Cosi) was still working on yesterday's handout, trying to finish it. Then I spent another 10 minutes reading it as we reviewed the answers to said handout. After each student struggled through and finally gasped out the close-enough-to-correct answer, we responded to Madame's prompt:

"Applaudi pour Giselle! Un, deux, trois"

*clap, clap, clap*

we're stuck in Kindergarten. somewhere in the last two weeks, I suddenly reversed from my last year of school back to my very first.

But what do I care now? I won't be in class tomorrow for the quiz. Today was my last day.

But now I have to stop beating around the bush. I have to get to the main point of this post, and tell you why I'm dropping French. Well really, the only reason I've stayed in French at all is because Cosi was taking it, and she so looked forward to having one class with me each day. And then after class I would drive her home.

But that's not necessary anymore. Because -

Cosi is going home.

yeah. she's going back to Germany.

so that's basically all I wanted to say. I wanted to find some flowery, not-so-painful way to say it. but I got to the end of French class and couldn't find my transition. so here it is, blunt and plain as day.

it's sad - no, tragic - because we get along so incredibly well. actually, her district coordinater here wouldn't believe that she didn't want to fly home because of trouble with the host family (that would be us). she sees us like her family in Gemany. and it's been such a hard decision, because she doesn't want to leave us.

but it's the school. we've tried everything that's possible, but after everything, it's just not going to work. she's so sad....and we don't want her to be miserable her whole time here just because the American public school is the stupidest thing ever created. so we've tried, but this is the decision that it's had to work out to. unfortunately.

strange as it is though, I think we all feel at peace with the decision. somehow, we know it was the right choice. I'm sad at everything we'll miss doing here together (especially going into the holiday season), but I don't feel regret. I don't feel like this is the absolute end of life as we know it. I'm happy for her, that soon she'll be back with her best friends and her family, in a good school, back in Germany. she'll be really happy again.

and it's not like we'll never see her again. I'll see her in just over a year, when I go to Europe, and I know we'll be chatting and phoning and Skyping and emailing like ALL THE TIME. so really, it's just that we don't get to be together all the time. but we'll still be in touch. always.

the end

no longer growing up/we're already there

*sigh* sorry guys. this is gonna be a long one. I'll try to make it interesting and stick some short paragraphs in between the long ones so it doesn't look like an essay from my English 101 class. I've discovered, for myself, I'm nearly incapable of ready just long paragraphs. I need short ones to break it all up or I can't even get halfway there. :P

so. my best friend (one of them, anyway) is now married. this is like, the weirdest sensation ever. Lauren and I practically grew up together. I mean, we weren't little kids together, but we went through the "growing up" teenage part of life together. I remember dissecting frogs and worms with her in Biology. I remember watching Hook and talking really late into the night when we were supposed to be studying Biology. I remember helping her move into a new house; I remember going to see National Treasure with her - it was the first movie I ever went to without any adult supervision. I remember her surprise 16th birthday party, with Bunco and everything. I remember when she finally got her license, and when she got her car, and I spoke at her graduation. I remember long scrapbooking parties, and watching the Newsies two hundred times (we can both quote the whole thing). I remember when I felt betrayed and I threw our friendship down the drain, and I remember when we both decided to pick it up again and start over. I remember lots of health problems, mental struggles, disappointments in love.........an incredibly long winter that took a lot of effort and a lot of prayers to get through. I remember when she and Ben were "just friends."
and then like five months later when they were engaged.

and now she's married. just like that.



it's difficult for me. I can say that - I'm being honest with myself. it's difficult because Ben isn't my Prince Charming. I've gotten to the point where I realize that I can't expect him to be. but still, he's so young. I do wish they had waited longer.
but when I finally realized that they were GETTING MARRIED, and let them make that decision without trying to manipulate it, I came to grips with it and felt at peace about it. I can't support her fully if I don't let her grow up and make her decisions. they made this decision. she loves him truly, and I can see that he loves her very much. they'll take care of each other. at this point, this is their life now - one life, not two.
isn't marriage a beautiful thing?

the ceremony was good. Lauren was more beautiful than I've ever seen her before. we bridesmaids had a lot of fun together. I got two big mosquito bites on my back when we were taking the outdoor pictures, which thankfully faded before the ceremony actually started (more or less). I got nervous....nervous that I would drop the ring, or drop the bouquet, or move at the wrong time, or not get her train just right. but I shoved it all deep down to be calm and composed for her - because she was freaking out for the last 15 minutes or so. we were all just sitting there in the bathroom, and I was holding her hands tight and looking into her eyes and telling her that everything would be ok and that she was fine. then it just all.....happened.
so fast. and then it was over and they were married. Mrs. Hartnett. it's gonna take some getting used to.
the reception was just crazy. I'm one of those people who loves weddings and who absolutely loves wedding receptions. but I really didn't have time to enjoy this one. I was really glad Anna was there (we played together), because I didn't know many people there that well. I mean, Lauren was super-busy socializing with everyone, and aside from that it was mostly her and his extended family and some friends, none of whom I knew well. I hung out by the piano and kept Anna company, and we ate sugar cubes like we were middle schoolers or something. it was pretty epic.


it's still really strange though. I think about her and I wonder what she's doing now. but it's not so much what she's doing, as what THEY'RE doing. it's a strange sensation and a hard one to describe. :)
I'm wondering what will happen after this. we're not those two teenage girls anymore. she's a married woman. what effect will this have on our friendship? I don't know. I am interested to find out though. I guess it's something we're ready for though. she's been ready to be married for a long time now. it's something I'm gonna have to deal with, and try to do gracefully.







oh gosh. I'm soooo tired. you know how you feel after like two weeks of stress and not enough sleep, and then you get one good night's sleep and you're groggy for the rest of the day? that was me today. 10 solid hours and now I'm completely worthless. I think I'll finish this post and then read some of that new novel....The Sheltering Sky. it looks ok, nothing great. I'm kind of wondering why there's a prostitute in every book I'm reading this month though.........ok, slight overstatement but seriously, it's getting kind of old.








today I skipped church. I had a lot of homework to do, and I needed, really really needed, a decent night's sleep. besides, I was there all afternoon and evening. I told mom I could do one or the other, but not both. I'm really glad I got a good night's sleep, got my homework done, even played a little piano, and then was actually sane and not super-stressed when I got to church at 3:00.
we were doing a "Rite of Passage Ceremony."

exactly. "what the heck is that?" that's what pretty much everyone wanted to know.

my church is slowly but steadily moving along a very good path. we are trying to move away from the traditional model of sending teenagers off to youth group for like ten years, and then expecting them to be fully-functioning adults when they emerge. the leadership of my church is realizing that the teenage ideal that comes with the teenage age is unnecessary and harmful. what business do we have taking a break from life, acting like little kids when we're really adults?
ever since I read Do Hard Things I've known this stuff. but unfortunately, most people my age don't. the adults I love the absolute most in my church are those who expect great things from me, treat me as an adult, love me like an adult, and give me the responsibilities of an adult. I rise to meet the challenge, and I mature as I do that.
so this "Rite of Passage" thing was basically that: calling forth all the teenagers into Christian adulthood. it wasn't forced on anybody, it was just for those who decided they were ready to do it. but it was four training sessions all afternoon, and then the ceremony in the evening. and it was actually really cool. lots of crying and hugging. and hopefully some people ready to be grown up.

we are adults. some of us have known it for awile. it's difficult to digest at first, but I've known it for some time now. I'm a woman. a young woman, yes, but a woman. an adult. but now the whole church is prepared to stand beside us and call us adults, treat us like adults, and give us the love and responsibilites of adults. it's like.....getting meat instead of milk. it's a new stage in life, but one that we're all ready for.
I was just barely 16 my second time in India, and during those three weeks I had to be an adult. there were no other kids. I was doing adult work in a team of adults. Praise God for John - he saw all the potential in me and stretched me to do things I didn't even think I could do. he's always done that for me. and then this last trip, I knew I had to stay with him and Sarah, because they understood that I needed to be treated like an adult, not a kid.



so anyway, this ceremony thing.
basically they had all the "older adults" (ie our parents) lining two of the aisles in the sanctuary. then we came down one at a time - Roger announced a name, then we waited on the threshold of the door as that particular kid's parents said "It is time for you to come out of the darkness and into the light. It is time to leave behind your childish ways and step into your godly manhood/womanhood." then, walking down the aisle, lots of hugging, crying, etc.
then kneeling in front of your parents. this is the weirdest part. we each received a blessing from our parents. then a blessing from our pastor. then more hugging, etc.

when I'm typing it now, it sounds so "churchy." but it wasn't. it was actually really neat. because there are people there - just a few - like Roger and Bret, and a couple others, who have always treated me like an adult. but then there are others who are like, oh, she's a mature girl for her age. I think that while it was important for the kids to view themselves as adults, it was just as important, if not more so, for the parents to see us as adults too.

I hope things start to change.
I'm worried about a couple of my friends.





call me a liar
call me your friend
I will let you down, again
cause I'm a disaster
of epic proportions
I will let you down, again



other than all this, life is pretty good. just way too busy. I never had thought before that two English classes would be so much homework, but it is a LOT. speaking of which, I should probably get to that....





btw, I just discovered that next month there's going to be a Battle of the Bands as a fundraiser for our church, between Roger and the Hubcaps, and The Pilots. the Hubcaps is my worship leader (Roger's) band from back when he and Bret were in college. they play old rock and roll and are absolutely amazing. The Pilots are a brand new band with a bunch of my friends just out of high school. I just heard them for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and they are also really really good.
so yes, I'm sooooo excited for this!!!!!!!!!! it's going to be AMAZING in every sense of the word.

(just how many senses are there to the word amazing, you ask? I answer: I don't know.)

guess what?

you never will, so I'll tell you.

Focus on the Family (I think it was them) has just finished a dramatized version of the Screwtape Letters.




with Andy Serkis as Screwtape.




SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I know, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!





I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



and now I know what to get mom for Christmas, lol. :D




anyway, that was it. impressed by my short post? I know, I know.......

a different kind of christmas carol/a different kind of happily ever after

you know how it is. you have a dream - something you've had ever since childhood - and it:

a) gets crushed

b) comes true and you live happily ever after

c) sits in the background while you grow up and forget about it

d) you mean childhood is over?

I was thinking just today about one of those dreams I had forever. well, since the second or third time I read A Christmas Carol, I guess (which really wasn't that long ago, come to think of it). I always wanted to do my own production of A Christmas Carol. Like, just live it for a whole fall and winter. maybe it's the Christmas thing that comes over me at this time of year, and how I want a really good excuse to live and breathe Christmas starting in September and ending in January sometime.

I know, I know. OMG is October 2nd and Kacy's already talking about Christmas?!?!? well....yeah. I am.

I'm incredibly excited for Christmas.

and I'm incredibly excited for A Christmas Carol to once again be a part of my life.

so today, I was just kind of remembering this idea I've had forever in my head. It was always there. I'd direct it, so it would be just the way Dickens wanted it, and just the way I see it in my head. no more screwed-up interpretations or tragically-cut lines. and I'd compose the music, of course, so that it would be just perfect and Christmasy. And I'd figure out amazing Victorian costumes. And I'd give all the actors and actresses voice coaching so they'd have proper British accents, and not sound all fake, but would really truly become part of their Victorian clothes, like the Dickens Carolers who so fascinated me in the lobby at the Nutcracker. And then I'd act something too - not Scrooge or anything major like that, but some small yet meaningful part. maybe Scrooge's nephew's wife, or her sister who is obviously in love with the single young man, or maybe Scrooge's young lover at Phezziwig's party, with lots of amazing dancing just like Pride and Prejudice - except Victorian dancing.

there are, of course, a few small problems with this dream/idea/whatever you want to call it. I mean, I've never directed a thing. and I can't act, really. and I don't compose music. and I can't even do a passable British accent, much less give voice coaching. and while I like to look at Victorian costumes, I probably would have a really hard time coming up with a bunch of them.

but besides that, isn't it a great idea?

lol, I don't know why I wrote it up here, I just was thinking about it and thought I'd put it up.

but anyway, we may be going to see ACT's A Christmas Carol this year. I'm going to talk to my grandparents. we're possibly going to break tradition *gasp* and go see it instead of the Nutcracker (which we've seriously gone to see every year since I was two). I love the Nutcracker and everything, but I really want to see A Christmas Carol, and so I'm really hoping it works out. the more I think about the it the more merry and Christmasy I become!

so. what else has been happening, you ask? let's see.....

we finished Persuasion. IT. WAS. AMAZING. I read it before and seriously didn't get it. unfortunately, most of my class didn't get it this time, which is extremely frustrating. I'm running around (virtually, of course - this is an online class) trying to pound reason into all their heads telling them they've completely got the wrong idea of Anne. but anyway.....enough of that. it was really cool, and I enjoyed reading it and writing about it.

we've just started Notes From the Underground, by Dostoevsky. and drat it, though I know From shouldn't be capitalized, I keep doing it anyway, because it just seems like it should be. I mean - it's too long to be lower-case, right?

anyway. this book is stinking awesome! I read the first four chapters and then I was like, huh?? I seriously don't get this. so I read the next seven chapters (Part I of the book) because it was assigned. and then I did a ton of research on Russian philosophy and Englightenment and all the -isms, and so now I'm feeling very smart and I'm kind of excited to write about it. but now I want to go re-read what I've already read to try and understand it better. philosophy is really very confusing, given in such large doses to someone who isn't used to it.

oh, that and the fact that the censors removed a large and absolutely crucial chunk at the end of the book, where Dostoevsky pointed to Christ as the only alternative. so basically, unless you mega-reasearch this book, there's no possibly way to understand it.

which should make the forum discussions quite interesting and - dare I say it - humorous.

:D I'm so mean.

Shakespeare is still really cool. and we're still in Taming of the Shrew. there's no possible way we're getting through all five plays this quarter, and I'm seriously hoping we don't make it to Titus Andronicus.

but I am looking forward to Richard III, which comes next. it should be pretty awesome. I've got the right teacher and the right class for it.

oh yes, and instead of turning in big long papers for this class, we get to write a long, informal, very convoluted and rabbit-trailed blog post every week. is this not the most perfect arrangement ever epiphanized? (yes, I did make that word up. were you wondering?)

French class at the high school sucks. on wednesday we spent at least half of class time (no joke) watching a video of one boy in our class who got hypnotized at the Puyallup fair. the rest of class time was spent collecting cell phones, shifting seat positions, and correcting homework. not one single new thing was introduced. then yesterday we finished watching this video for a good ten minutes, finished going over the homework, and played one round of a game to work on the passe compose tense.

which is ridiculous because not only do I already know the passe compose, but it's the ONLY thing we've talked about for the last week and a half I've been in this class. seriously - THE ONLY THING.

so Cosi and I have come up with a simple yet genius arrangement: she's going to teach me German during French class. and we're going to read some French books to try and learn new words. and we're going to attemp tic tac toe with five spaces across and down instead of three. more like Bingo and not so.....predictable and boring.

oh, which reminds me - at youth group last night we played human checkers. it was amazing! (I'm using that word a lot, aren't I?) anyway, my team won, and I did the last two jumps, and it was super-duper fun. and when we got kinged we got taped with masking tape (did I mention we were wearing black or white garbage bags to denote which teams we were on?).

this weekend I'm on worship. I met with Roger last night to go over the music, because I haven't played in the bad in two months and I feel so uncreative...I feel like I've gone backwards a lot in my keyboarding skills. which is frustrating. and once again, I feel inferior and I know this will only hinder me from being used by God at all this weekend. because if I feel inferior I won't take risks and I won't be comfortable - I'll just be thinking about how everyone else is a better musician than me.

so Roger gave me a pep talk and took some of the hard musical stressy stuff away, and told me in general not to worry. "we're just gonna focus on you being back, and have fun this weekend," he told me. the team really truly missed me while I was gone, and I missed them so so SO much as well. I'm really looking forward to this weekend.

but anyway, I still have stuff to do and I want to actually get some sleep tonight. so (man this post got long again...) I'm gonna go now.

goodnight nobody. goodnight mush.