is this what it seems/the lure of a dream/and I'm afraid to walk back/through that door/to find that I've awakened

I know I've been posting ridiculously lots lately. I think I'm just getting ready, making up in advance for all the time I'm gonna be gone next month.

we leave on Friday for my aunt's house in Coeur d'Alene, for 4th of July stuff. and family.....bleh. well, some of the family will be good. the aunt I never see, the uncle who's technically not an uncle, and well....my parents. that's about it. :)

but I'll be taking my computer and will probably be on a lot because I have a feeling I'll be bored. we're not planning to do much, except on the night of the 4th of course.

then on Monday I leave for Portland. I'm really hoping my cousin has the baby before I go down. considering I'm supposed to be helping them out around the house because of the baby.......

yeah.

but I will have internet there too. I don't know exactly how much I'll be on, we'll see how it goes.

the next week I'll be working the fair, and won't be on at all probably. loooooong days there. but the good news is that vacation is the next week, and I'll probably be able to sneak to my grandparents' condo a few times for internet. and by a few times I mean probably daily. :D

and after that is Camp Hope!!!!!!!!!

gosh. tomorrow I do laundry and that means that I'll have to start packing the next day. you know how it is, when you start packing, it all becomes real. seriously, I'm only going to be sleeping in my bed for 13 day out of 30 this month. and 6 of those hardly count because it's the week I work the fair so I'll only be home to sleep.

but I'll stop complaining. I should be used to crazy summers by now. and I know I'll enjoy it. just....every time I look at the calendar I get slightly terrified. I guess it's probably because after July I only have two weeks to get ready to go to India. oh dear.....

so my cat is upset because she can't go outside. my parents let her go out (under supervision) a few days ago, so she could lay in the sun and roll in the dirt and eat the grass. and now she sits at the window and mopes. and meows, and is generally really grumpy. like she isn't grumpy enough already.

I'm trying to get ready for worship next weekend. it's going to be really different (our worship leader is out of town so our electric guitarist is leading. we're playing a totally different style of music, which involves lots of organ sounds on the keyboard....). we want to rehearse this week but I don't have a clue when we'll be able to. and the music was supposed to be at the church yesterday but it wasn't till today. so I don't have it yet, but I need to get it somehow by tomorrow. I'm hoping that somehow doesn't involve driving to Enumclaw again....

I'm almost done with my TEFL certification. at least, with the first part. I have two modules left. then a super-duper long grammar module. then lots of little "helpful" modules, like how to teach kids, how to teach big groups, how to teach pronunciation, how to teach with limited resources, etc. those should go by quickly. and gosh I need to finish before I go to India.....

excuse me if I sound like I'm freaking out. you know how it is. it'll go away soon. it's much too nice of a day to freak out. :)

I can't wait for this weekend! my aunt lives a block away from a lake. and it's going to be HOT.

so anyway. I'll see you all soon. pardon this rapid succession of posts. I apologize if your head is now spinning.

hold your breath until your heart stops beating/hold your breath until your heart stops beating so fast

recently, I've developed a new habit. it's called going to church.

obviously I go to church regularly. just about every week, unless we're out of town or something. but lately I've been going a lot. like last weekend, for Father's Day, when I was there to hang out after Saturday night service and then again for both services Sunday morning. last night, my family went to the evening service again, and went out for pizza with the worship team afterwards. then I decided to come out again for second service this morning, by myself. half hour drive and gas notwithstanding. it's like an addiction.

and the service was amazing. honestly, the worship was something more real, powerful, and incredible than I've experienced in awhile. sometimes high and sometimes low, I've been living on emotion for the past week or two, and I'm starting to enjoy it. and think through it, and pray through it..........as odd as it might sound, my relationship with God is becoming so much less about my head and so much more passionate than anything I've ever experienced.

but I'm sure I'll write more about that later. that's not really what this post is about.

anyway. the sermon was pretty good....still in Revelation. actually, we're just in chapter 7 of Revelation. after two months or so. but it's ok - at least our pastor is really interesting. and the book makes so much more sense than it did before. :P

but it was the worship that got me. having heard part of practice yesterday, and last night's service, I knew where the band was going this morning and I just closed my eyes and talked to God. and sang to God, and cried to God, and generally forgot everyone else.

I'm wondering what it is about this church thing that's becoming so addicting for me. it's the people - it has to be. I know it is. I mean, part of it's the worship and the sermon, but all around, it's the people. my youth group. my worship team. the other worship teams. family friends. church staff. somehow, all of a sudden, I'm full of a need for something real and solid, and without a doubt that's what my church is. I've never met people more real. sometimes grumpy, sometimes repentant, sometimes joking, sometimes smoking or drinking or eating microwave meals between services, sometimes upset, sometimes ecstatic, sometimes embarassed (or embarassing), sometimes emotional and dramatic, sometimes just more welcoming and loving than I deserve. the people I keep coming back service after service to see are real people. they don't put on happy plastic masks to go to church and then go home, light a cigarette, and cry. they walk in the door with a grumpy look smelling like smoke. but the best part is that they usually don't leave that way. people shouldn't leave church the same way they walked in. and they should enjoy being with the other members of the body of Christ.

like I do, so much recently.

oh man. I've been in a lot of churches, and I've never felt like this. I'm so lucky, so blessed. I feel like I have another family. (and I actually like this one) like my India team family in Portland.

the body of Christ is a wonderful thing, when it acts like the body of Christ.

oh and, by the way, Messy Spirituality is an amazing book and you should all read it.

are we getting closer/or are we just getting more lost/let's unwrite these pages/and replace them with our own words

you know what my problem is? I care too much. not worry...I don't generally worry much. but I care about things, about people, ridiculously lots. I care about how people think and how they feel, and when something is wrong or why they are so happy. that may not be so bad, it may be a good thing. I remember crazy things (while forgetting more important things, of course), like random peoples' birthdays, or some appointment they were nervous about, or something like that. and I remember to make cupcakes and ask how it went.

I'm not saying that it's bad to care. I mean, it's really good most of the time. but I get really emotionally wrapped up in other peoples' problems. probably because I don't really have problems of my own. pretty good home life, great church, lots of friends, not overloaded with homework, I get lots of sleep, etc. so all I have to think about is other peoples' little anxieties, problems, reasons to celebrate, etc.

but the bad part is that I care so much about what other people think of me. and it's not a popularity thing. at school I'd just as soon wear baggy sweatshirts and blend in. I state my opinion without worrying what other peoples' opinions are....I'm rather outspoken that way. no, it's not what the masses think that I care about. but there are a select few people who's opinion - affirmation, acceptance - is more important to me than anything else in the world.

somehow, I don't realize that it's important until I'm getting it. it's not usually something I seek out. it's usually something that is given without being asked for, and then I realize that I can't live without it. I love like crazy and want to spend more and more time with that person. I talk about them nonstop. and I know exactly what it is - it's the whole stupid words of affirmation love language thing. once they are spoken, that person has my lifelong affection.

and when I get myself in trouble is when I realize that they don't care like I do. what I mistook for "you're an amazing, fantastic person - I love you" was really just "hey, great job today." when I thought they said "I don't know how I'm gonna get on without seeing you every day" they really just meant "I'll miss you, but we'll get together sometime....later."

I don't know. some days I hate myself for it. how do you just not let your love language fool you? but the truth is, I will always fall for the gentleman who holds the door for me and says "good job." which, by the way, means "i love you."

and I'm NOT even talking about romance. this is just a friend thing.

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I have a feeling none of this makes any sense at all. and there are deeper things on my mind I'd rather not talk about, which might help you have a clue what I mean. but even I don't understand it all. I guess I just needed to let some of it out.

I left my heart in a plastic box

on the bedside table

it will be locked

till i get home

i don't care/if i break/at least i'll be feeling something

life lately has been...interesting, to say the least. I've started helping a friend with a non-profit missions-focused business, as his administrative assistant, and that's basically taking up time like a part-time job. I'm working hard now to get read for India - finishing up my TEFL certification, and trying to get a handle on Hindi. that's proving to be difficult. I'll be gone the entire month of July, so I'm working to wrap things up before I leave for hither and yon. and of course my piano teacher wants a little bit more than I'm giving (and rightfully so). thank goodness I had the weekend off of worship team for Father's Day.

Speaking of which, we were all incredibly pathetic - my worship team, I mean. I'm the only female instrumentalist, so it's me and a bunch of guys.....and we missed playing together extremely lots. I ended up hanging out with them almost as much as if I was actually on the team this weekend - went to dinner after the Saturday service and hung out, and then came to both services on Sunday. My dad was involved with a bunch of stuff for Father's Day (it's a big deal at our church) so I stayed until about 2:00 helping everyone tear stuff down and clean up. I'm not looking forward to missing three whole rotations in a row for Camp Hope and India. that's gonna suck. I think we all decided that as cool as it looks having all guys on the stage for Father's Day, we just missed each other too much. :P

*sigh* it was such a crazy emotional weekend, and I didn't have much sleep either, which I'm sure didn't help. that's my fault of course. my friend's 21st birthday was on Saturday, and I didn't have to drive all the way to Enumclaw just to hang out with my worship team. but I did (the 17-year old reasoning took over), and stayed out there till 10:30 or so, and then got up pretty early for church. and had a sleepover the next night. and by that point had my heart so confusing my head that I needed to journal for over an hour to try and straighten things out.

which for some reason didn't work. so I did it again last night, and it seemed to help somewhat. drat being 17....it comes with too much emotional crap. the weird thing is, I'm not happy or sad. I'm almost frustrated but at the same time I'm ecstatic. it's very confusing. I get exhausted but then I have these bursts of energy. I don't know anymore. the overall tendency is towards happiness though, so that's good. there's a lot of good things going on right now. it's just...some of it is really hard to deal with. good but hard. like tough love.

kind of.

today, however, I am excited. I only have one lesson to teach today instead of four! and then friends from church are coming over for dinner. it's the couple that's going to the college I want to go to, in Minnesota. well, they aren't going there right now, because they're getting ready to do their internship in January. so they are home, and we're having them over for dinner. which should be fun.

and I get to sleep in tomorrow.

oofff. I am hungry, and generally grumpiness follows quickly. so I'd better go now. just thought you guys might like an update. :)

are you watching closely?

Would you know a miracle if you saw one?

A child brings us together

Is that miracle enough?

Have we used the word so thoughtlessly

for so long now

That we've made it small

and we've made it safe

and bled the meaning out?

Or is the universe so magical

that every breath we take

is a blessed surprise?

"he was poetic, and he dreamed of reigning over a kingdom of words."

don't worry Em, I'm here for summer. I plan to be on a lot. this Blogger thing is regaining popularity with me as well, and I have time again. *contented sigh*


"Are you badly hurt?"
"Hideously," said the king, without sounding injured at all. "My insides may in an instant become my outsides as I stand here before you."
I've realized just how dangerously addicting Meghan Whalen Turner really is. I'm rereading The King of Attolia, now that I've reread the other two. I started it on the way home from Father/Daughter camp, am now about halfway through it, and I have a hunch I will probably finish it tonight. Every time I say 'just to the end of the chapter,' somehow the end of the chapter comes and I just keep ploughing right on through the next, and the next, and the next....



I'm trying to figure out what my "project books" will be for the summer. I'm thinking The Once and Future King, and something Dickens...maybe Martin Chuzzlewit (just because it seems like no one has ever read that one). I don't know what else yet. I'll have to rustle around in the bookcase.



I got to go to the Seattle library on Friday for awhile, and discovered that I could understand between %60 and %70 of the French in the random French book I picked up. then I spent a long time 'reading' Les Mis in French and had to find a chair when I discovered that I was making the security guards uncomfortable by sitting in the middle of the floor.

good grief.



Father/Daughter camp was, as usual, amazing. I wasn't upset with or annoyed by my dad all weekend, which seems to be a rarity these days. I think our personalities are so much the same that we often just clash without knowing why. unfortunately, the same thing seems to happen with my mom. I'm such an erratic blend of the two of them that certain strains seems to make a stronger appearance than others at just the wrong time. but when my dad and I are alone, then I tend to be more like my mom, so we get along better.
we kayaked, and did the high ropes course, and the zipline, and shot soda cans with BB guns, and hurt our fingers using the bows on the archery range, and went swimming (aka do the whirlpool thing and then get out before you freeze), and took long walks, and drank obscene amounts of hot chocolate, and ate too much of the good food and then ate junk food for dessert, and made new friends, and reminisced with old friends, and got incredibly sore, and didn't sleep enough, and split a blackberry milkshake on the way home, and in general took a break from the world for two days with no showers, no technology, and no worries.

the best thing in the world about Father/Daughter camp, I have discovered, is the people. it's a bittersweet flavor these days, since Rod moved on to start his own church, since his daughters grew up, got married, and started lives of their own, since the "big girls" of when I was little have started college and stopped coming, and since many people come in September whom we no longer see in June. but Ed seems to be the anchor for now, and he makes everything seem so simple - out there in the middle of nowhere, with woods and ranch and pastures and sea. there aren't problems. there's just God. and somehow, you know, everything is going to be alright. being 17 isn't as hard as the world makes it out to be.
everything is going to be alright.
I remarked, on one of those long walks, that I felt as if I had grown up there. in some ways I have. I remember learning to drive in my dad's big truck on weekends there. I learned how to ride a horse there too. and shoot a BB gun, and use a bow. I conquered a portion of my fear of heights/fast things, first on the tire swing, and then on the high ropes course and zipline. I learned what a salmonberry looks like when it's ripe. I learned how to canoe and kayak. I learned about the process of wastewater treatment (don't ask). more recently, I've learned about change, and how to handle it the healthy way. I've learned about people moving on, and how to change but stay the same. I've learned so much about knowing God...though there are few specific "lessons" I could put into words. how do you put a relationship with the creator of Infinity into words? I can't even do it with my human friends. I've learned about my dad, and myself, and our relationship with each other and with God. I've learned about mistakes...and how not to make some of them. I've learned about love and dedication, and adoption and more love, and blessings. I've felt that it's ok to be dirty for a few days, and to share your bathroom with a daddy long-legs. I've felt the return to innocence that maybe can't be felt anywhere else by the time you reach 17.

yes, in a way, I grew up there. people I only see once a year have watched me grow up and have loved me through it. and now, here I am, at 17 years of age, watching the next group grow up. but every year, I know that my place of childhood is waiting for me and my dad to return. to search in trees and pastures for wayward rockets. to watch the evolution of a tire swing and a little girl's bravery. to come home.......to a place with no age limit. when we drive off on Sunday afternoon, as I take one last look over the pastures that have never changed even when everything else has, I can hear the camp whispering to me, "I'll always be here for you."

the new ivy-wrapped column in my room looks very pretty.

what I need to do today:

study Hindi

study French

clean Hugo's fishbowl

write a billion thank you cards

chores

family pictures

teach piano

practice piano

crazy research stuff that I don't completely understand yet....

start packing random crap for father/daughter camp (this weekend!!!!!)

what I want to do today

lay out in the sun and read for a long time

go for a long walk in the shaded woods behind Green River. by myself (not allowed of course, and for a good reason....but I still want to walk by myself).

make blueberry muffins

make chocolate mousse

stay up super-late watching movies and doing random stuff on the internet

call a friend and get some ice cream somewhere

oh I just described a normal summer day, didn't I? I think it should be law that school is officially over once the weather turns summerish.

so here's what my summer looks like. revised.

I finish school up on Monday, with a final on Thursday. still teaching every tuesday and thursday until the 29th, when I get to start monday lessons earlier in the day - which will be fantastic! I need to find some homeschooled students next year so I'm not teaching evenings anymore. it sucks.

father/daughter camp this weekend!!!!! I'm super-excited about that. I need to make a CD for that.....*mentally revises list of "things I need to do today*

hopefully squeeze in a sleepover somewhere this month. that kind of depends on everyone else's schedule.

For 4th of July we're going to my aunt's in Coeur d'Alene for the weekend. I may go over earlier in the week and work around her house for some extra cash, if she has some odd jobs for me.

come home Sunday and leave after teaching Monday for Portland...maybe. still need to talk to my cousins about that one.

get home Friday and play at church on worship all weekend. visit with Norweigan cousin Sunday night. Monday start working at the King County Fair for some more extra cash - hopefully.

finish work Sunday and leave after teaching Monday for the condo - seven glorious free days of sun, pool, river, read, AC, eat, relax, repeat. this will be my actually for-real summer.

come back Sunday, teach Monday, leave for Camp Hope on Tuesday. five glorious days of you guys!!!! the other highlight of my summer.

return August 1st, prep for India, leave August 15th.

come back home and try not to die before school starts. meet new little sister who will have mysteriously arrived during my absense. have a PotC marathon with her. hang out with friends.

/end summer/ start school. :-/

blah. if you made it this far you're probably crazy or just really bored. :) I really put this up for my own personal reference in the months to come. I don't know how I'll keep it all straight. :P

and yet I'm excited all the same.......