do you remember/that cold day in december/leaving everythign you knew behind

Wow, I guess the writing bug left me for a few days. sorry guys.

Christmas break - so far so good. or rather, so far amazing! I have all these tentative plans though, and never seem to get definitive answers from anyone.

but that's ok I guess. I am DONE with Christmas shopping, and done with wrapping. just one more homemade present that I'm going to make tomorrow (procrastination, yes?).

I finished the Mystery of Edwin Drood a few days ago. it was Dickens' last novel, and he died before completing it. the last part he wrote is the very crescendo of the work - just as the amateur detective (who may or may not actually be the protagonist of the title, in disguise, who had disappeared inexplicably earlier in the book and may or may not have been murdered) has figured out the solution. he has a conversation with someone that sheds no light on the reader's befuddled mind, but seems to blow the whole thing wide open for him. he goes home, apparently well satisfied with the day's work.

and that's it. the next chapter ought to have revealed everything. and then, after a hard day's work on the most intense section of the book, Dickens had a stroke and the next day he was dead. and the world was mourning.

of course, amateurs have attempted completing the mystery themselves. some inferior minds have even dared to postulate (as a certainty) that Jasper killed Drood, and have written their own endings for the novel to this effect. this is, of course, ridiculous.

but it's just so frustrating that we'll never know what genius twist Dickens was going to throw into the plot. I was so worked up thinking about what was going to happen, that it took me a full two days before I could comfortably start the Hobbit.

However, you will be happy to learn that I am recovered now, and about five chapters into the Hobbit(!). fourth time reading it....and I swear it gets better every time. this little childhood break is about the most refreshing thing EVER for me right now, and I'm actually a little scary of moving on to Crime and Punishment next. as a friend of mine observed, Dostoevsky "can rip your heart out with just a few sentences."

but, if I finish Crime and Punishment over break, I'm going to start on the last two Austen novels that I haven't read yet (Mansfield Park and Northanger Abbey). so this incentive may be enough to pull me through!

I think I'm having a youth group party-ish thing on Tuesday. I was going to, and then my friend Anthony had a party, so I decided not to worry about it. and then everyone started bugging me about it again, so now I guess I am. and as I was informed this morning, you can't have a Christmas party after Christmas. so.....Tuesday it is. tomorrow I'm baking a bunch of cookies that will need to be decorated.

what else?....I'm stoked for Christmas Eve service. church this morning was AMAZING - I'll just say it again: I LOVE MY CHURCH! I couldn't hardly sing half the time because I was just so joyful and thankful for my church and my God. this morning Roger blended a bunch of worship songs in with some lesser-known Christmas carols, and it was incredible how it worked. it's like...everyone stopped to rethink the words they were singing, and it became a true worship service. and then my pastor was so giddy with Christmas spirit that his sermon was kind of all over the place; but generally speaking it was all about God's love for us and how Christ was the living-breathing-walking-talking embodiment of God's thoughts/will/mind/emotions. and he is very very very very excited for Christmas, just like me. so that made me happy too.

and Christmas Eve service is just amazing in general. fantastically talented musicians, dark room lots of Christmas lights. people who only come for Christmas and Easter. goodwill and joy and this holy awe feeling that just kind of pervades everything. 10:00 PM service......you leave so late and then just go straight to bed and the next thing that happens is Christmas morning!

anyway. you'll probably get a hugely long post about that after it happens.

still trying to figure out the week after Christmas. I still want to do a LotR marathon; it will probably be a last-minute thing with just whoever can come for the day/overnight. I wanna hang out with Dexter if he ever makes up his mind that he's going to come over here (told him I'd take them around Pike Place). my aunt Kari wants to have a day with me....probably New Year's Day, which will be fun....but squeezing it in somewhere is kind of tricky.

it sounds like my schedule is busy but it really isn't. I mean, I'm doing a lot of stuff, but I'm not going a lot of places. I'm doing stuff that I really enjoy....last-minute hanging out time with friends, sticking around home decorating gingerbread houses, plinking nothing serious on my piano (my fingers are SO out of shape right now it's ridiculous), watching too many movies and reading books until too late at night. going places for a few hours, but not being gone from home or family or friends too much. it's been really nice.

in fact, I never want it to end.............

I'm making this sort of pact with myself, I think. it's not a New Year's resolution. just something I need to do. I've got a PE class two days a week at 10:00 next quarter, and I'm thinking it really wouldn't kill me to work out in the gym the other three days I don't have PE. ok, so I kind of desperately need to work out, and by the end of Christmas and New Year I'm going to need it about five times more desperately. so yes. I'm doing it.

let's see....on Friday night we went and say A Christmas Carol at ACT (we being my parents, grandparents, and me). for the first time in 16 years, we broke tradition and did A Christmas Carol instead of the Nutcracker. it was pretty fantastic. the theater is perfect for it - small and intimate, interactive, and it's a round theater with the seating all around the stage. the acting and costuming was fantastic, and most of the script was direct from the book. as a purist, this made me happy. even though it was a late showing, my grandparents both stayed awake, and everybody totally loved it and was raving about it. though I found a few parts I would have done differently myself (hey, I've read the book four times), I loved the performance, and I've got to say this is probably one of the very best productions of A Christmas Carol out there. I think (and hope) it will become our new yearly tradition.

hmmm.........

today was kind of crazy. after church we went to my mom's family Christmas party (as you all probably know, I'm not too big on extended family gatherings, since my extended family is rather interesting/sketchy). it was pretty good though. one of my uncles got into this big long sarcastic rant thing about me + India, which kind of made me mad for awhile, but I let it go. some people are just so obstinate and stuck in their ways that you can't reason with them.

my dad figured out how to turn the heat up so it wasn't 62 degrees for the whole party. you know those thermostats that have lock boxes over them, so people without a key can't get in and tamper with the settings? well there are tiny holes all around the outside of the box, and with a metal coat hanger and some creativity, you too can have a comfortably-heated room as we did.

my mom gave out the news to all and sundry that she's donating a kidney, and of course it was met with the variety of reactions. so far it seems that the majority of the world is worried about me....."what if your daughter needs it someday?"

this. is. ridiculous.

I mean, my mom and I don't even know if we are the same blood type, much less a kidney match. and we know somebody who needs it right NOW. as my mom replies, "I don't live life by 'what if.'" I'm proud of her for that. she'd be selfish if she was keeping it for me for just-in-case, when people are dying right now because they need an organ.

not to mention, it seems to me that she's more likely to need one of my kidneys in the distant future, than I would be to need one of hers. true, health is health and can go good or bad, but we don't have any history of bad kidneys, and age seems to be more of a factor in the organs shutting down, when everything else is normal health-wise. I wish people wouldn't worry so much. I so wish my family had a Christian worldview and could trust like we trust.

it may sound weird, but worry really bothers me. not saying that I don't worry about stuff, because I do, but this needless "what if" worry drives me insane. like when I go to India and extended family or those barely-acquaintances from church are like "you be careful, be safe, isn't it dangerous? aren't you worried about this/that? I could never do anything like that," etc.

drives me crazy.

I mean, I'm glad people love me and are concerned for my safety. but if I'm absolutely convinced that this is God's will, and I'm not worried and my parents aren't worried, then I feel terrible when other people worry. I want them to REJOICE with me that God is in control of this unknown situation, that He's working things out even before they happen......not worry about every little thing that could go wrong.

but enough ranting for now. I'm not even sure how I got on this tyrade.

******************************************************************

another co-op friend of mine got married today. Brittany Grant, just a couple years older than me.....after about 9 months of dating a long-time family friend, and an 88-day engagement, she too has tied the knot.

it's weird. it's weird when it's my friends who are getting married - people just two or three years older than me. though Brittany isn't a really close friend, and we haven't kept in touch much the last couple of years, I always liked her a lot, and it's strange to see her getting married to this guy.

I am a little melancholy, for two reasons. the first is trivial - both Lauren's wedding and Brittany's had receptions completely devoid of dancing. in my mind the reception is the absolutely best part and MUST include dancing. at my wedding (if I have one), I intend to have a reception that goes extremely late, with an amazing band and dancing practically all night.

but the second reason is a little more serious: both these girls, young women I know well, have gotten married on somewhat short notice to guys who, in my opinion, just aren't worthy of them. I'm not saying I have bleak thought about their futures - I think they both stand a good chance of staying together and being very happy. but somehow it just upsets me that these guys aren't what they ought to be. with Lauren it was tough, because I really am not crazy about her new husband.....he hasn't grown up yet, and I don't think he's ready to be a husband and take care of a wife. when the "in love" infatuation wears off for both of these couples, I'm afraid they'll find themselves in a tough spot for awhile. I think they'll both make it through, but I also think they could have gone into it more prepared.

with Brittany, I don't know her husband well, but I've met him before, and I saw them today, and I'm afraid they've married very much on "in love" feelings. I don't know how much sacrificial love they're prepared to do yet. what scares me, I guess, is their situation. fast dating, faster engagement....family doesn't really approve of the match 100%. neither of them have a job or a house right now (scary). I mean, they're literally "living on love." which sounds nice until you look at it closely. and then it gets terrifying.

in both these cases, I just don't approve of the men my dear friends have chosen to be their lifelong soulmates. some of it has to do with personal taste, which of course makes it none of my business. but other parts have to do with just plain maturity, wisdom, and gentlemanly behavior. I guess maybe I'm afraid that my other dear friends will fall for guys who turn out to be unworthy too. and as everybody knows, you can't reason with somebody who's in love.

I'm not really worried about myself. I may or may not get married someday, and really it's all the same to me. but my standards are sky high - like Mr. Darcy high - and this guy is going to have to be amazing if he expects to be my husband. because I know the difference between a crush and the real deal. and I know the difference between "in love" feelings and true love, which is an action/behavior/lifestyle.

and I'm not saying the guy will be perfect. I may think he is for awhile, and then I'll discover the flaws.

but what I am saying is, this man had better be better than what I've seen so far. I pray that my friends don't settle for something less than what they deserve as God's daughters. I pray that men out there are preparing themselves to treat my friends - their future wives - as the most precious treasure God ever let them have during their stay on earth. and I pray that my friends listen to their friends' and family's council when they think they've found love.

on the bright side of things, I saw a lot of old friends from bygone co-op days.....people I haven't seen in literally years. it was really fun catching up with people, though of course there were little surprises too. my old friend Spencer has changed a lot from the guy he used to be. he's going to the Honor Academy now, and he's really a different person. I think that inside he's a better person....more godly and more mature than he used to be. I don't think he's as vain as he once was. but he is harder to talk to - harder to have a conversation with. just didn't seem interested in reviving an old friendship. he doesn't seem at all interested in girl friendships like he used to be. I wasn't prepared for that, so it was surprising.

EVERYONE IS TALLER. I swear, these people are growing up and I am just the same. I stopped growing sometime during my co-op days, so aside from hairstyle and stuff, I haven't changed much. everyone else is changing and some people I'd hardly recognize anymore. but luckily most of them are still the warm, open people they always were, and we just pick up conversation again like we still see each other every week and are the best of friends. though things would never be the same now, say I was still in co-op, it's fun to reminisce about the old, wonderful days. we had something really special in our co-op and youth group, and though the thing itself is gone, all the memories and some of the feelings still linger, somewhere deep in most of our hearts, and when we get together they start to come out, and it's kind of like the old days. it's bittersweet, because I love the reminiscing, but I miss those happy, innocent days so much. we were different people then. all best friends....no boy/girl stuff going on. every time we got together was a time of laughter and fun, jokes and games and sometimes hard work - but it never seemed as hard when we did it together. man, we had good times. that I miss. learning (the hard way) that all good things come to an end.........it's like the major tragedy of childhood. or rather, it's the end of childhood. it's the very beginning - the first step - into the mindset of adulthood.

one of the first people I ran into upon walking through the door was Andrew Hilzendeger (yes MNM, that Andrew!). Good old Andrew. this is the boy that EVERY GIRL had a crush on at one point, and I'm not sure he ever knew it. one of the most gentlemanly guys I'll ever meet. he's intelligent, funny, good-looking, and honorable, and is just the best guy I know at having girl friends who aren't girlfriends. in fact, I'm not sure he's ever dated.

haven't seen the guy in years.....years and years. got an invitation to his gradutation two years back but couldn't go because of Father/Daughter camp. we lost touch and never had much of an excuse to find it again.

but, as these things tend to do, a mutual friend gets married and we start talking again like we never stopped. it's funny - he looks exactly the same as he has always looked, except maybe a little taller. like some time warp happened and we're just freshmen again, in Biology together. Andrew was always easy to get along with, and we have a ton of common interests which makes conversation easy.

so we talked about LotR, and English stuff, and movies, and college and family and God and life, and the good old co-op days, and how everybody's getting married, and how neither of us have any plans to get married for a long, long time. though we each knew several people there, most of the others who were our age and our good friends back in co-op were in the wedding party and so were quite occupied. so we ended up talking for most of the reception together, and agreed to keep in touch in the future.

so. something quite good came out of today. :) I love old friendships rekindled.

and the very last thing - a piece of good news:

the bride had seven bridesmaids and the groom had seven groomsmen. it was all the brothers and sisters of the bride and groom combined, plus a couple of friends.

so my friends, we are all perfectly allowed to have as many bridesmaids as we wish. this is a great relief to me, because if I ever get married I think I'm going to have about ten of you, when all is said and done. I'm glad to know someone else has done it first. :P

when it gets this cold it's supposed to snow....

I changed my calendar. It is now officially December.

I'm mostly done with my Christmas shopping. at least, all the hard stuff is out of the way. I plan to wrap everthing tonight while my parents are out of the house.

Everything for my Shakespeare class is done. group presentations were finished last week, essay was finished last night, and we had our "final" this morning - we watched Shakespeare in Love. btw, this is an AMAZING movie (except don't tell your parents I recommend it because there's like three pretty graphic sex scenes in it). Cast was amazing, acting was amazing, cinematography and score were amazing, story line was clever and engaging, funny parts were funny, dramatic parts were dramatic, and ending was...unexpected but genius. as for the innappropriate parts, they are easy parts to skip, and the rest of the movie is actually quite clean....hardly any language or unappropriate references or anything like that.

and Colin Firth is in it. :D

AND there was a reference to Titus Andronicus that had my whole class laughing for like 5 minutes straight (it was one of Shakespeare's first plays, very obscure, very gory. it's the last play we did in class so it's kind of like a private joke now).

anyway, watch it someday - it's fantastic.

so that just leaves my Intro to Novels final tomorrow....and I have no idea what it's going to be, which is actually a good thing because that means I don't have to worry about it. it gets emailed to me and then I have three hours to do it and send it back. it's probably going to be another essay.

ugh. I'm sick of essays. I'm ready to just read.

and speaking of reading, my mom is reading the Cricket on the Hearth to me (I read it a couple of years ago; she's never read it). it's one of Dickens' lesser-known Christmas stories, and probably my very favorite after A Christmas Carol. and the whole first three pages or so is the anthropomorphizing of a kettle - I'd like to see something better.

The kettle was aggravating and obstinate. It wouldn't allow itself to be adjusted on the top bar; it wouldn't hear of accommodating itself kindly to the knobs of coal; it would lean forward with a drunken air, and dribble, a very Idiot of a kettle, on the hearth. It was quarrelsome, and hissed and spluttered morosely at the fire. To sum up all, the lid, resisting Mrs. Peerybingle's fingers, first of all turned topsy-turvy, and then, with an ingenious pertinacity deserving of a better cause, dived sideways in - down to the very bottom of the kettle. And the hull of the Royal George has never made half the monstrous resistance to coming out of the water, which the lid of that kettle employed against Mrs. Perrybing, before she got it up again.

*sigh* I wish I could write like this. I wish I had a muse.

oh well. what I do have, currently, is presents to wrap. and then all those little random, miscellaneous things to take care of. one final left, and then-

freedom!

(aka Christmas Break)

"Wilkins Micawber is a man who is fond of large words, and never uses one when several will do."

"Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional."

I think this is my new favorite quote....at least for awhile.

still really not looking forward to turning 18 next month, but that I can't really stop. ok, well, I can't stop it at all. I'm not looking forward to more responsibilities, or people treating me more like an adult (being a kid is just fun, you know?), or having to figure out who to vote for, etc.

I AM looking forward to going to Pike Place Market on my birthday for like the whole day. and I'm going to find that gum wall, if it kills me! because it's ridiculous how many times I've been there and not found it (the reason I haven't found it is because I haven't looked for it yet; I always forget).

forgive me if this post is disjointed, because I have that supremely tired/groggy feeling you get after an all-nighter. loooooong week last week, playing piano/keyboard for around 7 hours yesterday, lousy night of very little sleep, and back at the church early this morning. thank God tomorrow is a study day, because I desperately need sleep!

but despite the long weekend right after such a long week, I had a wonderful day - both yesterday and today. yesterday was our Celebration Dinner at the church, and I played Christmas music for a good 3 hours. it went really well and was actually fun.....unfortunately as soon as it was over all the exhaustion hit me and I just felt like dying or something. I just sat from 2:00 until 3:00 - the one hour between finishing piano playing and starting worship practice. thankfully I got to take worship easy this weekend, but even though it was easy we were all SO TIRED last night...I just about fell asleep during the sermon (which was thankfully quite short). we went to Frankie's for pizza afterward but nobody stayed very long (although we did have a good time while we were there).

got to sleep at about 11:00 last night, and woke up at 4:00 this morning for no good reason. you know how it is when you wake up in the middle of the night, really hungry, or really thirsty? it was like that....and then I just tossed and turned for the next hour and a half trying to get back to sleep, which I eventually managed to do. woke up to the alarm clock an hour later and after ten minutes or so dragged myself out of bed.

once I got to church things started going better. we played Christmas music this weekend, and it was a lot of fun. the best part, though, is having the feel of my team back. our bass player is gone this weekend, but Bret is back and that's pretty wonderful. I haven't played with him on the team since the beginning of summer (he took a long break, I went to India, he's missed the last few rotations since then for various reasons). there's something about having him there that just completes the team feeling we have. he adds a chemistry to the band that I've really missed - and he is a very good friend who I've missed just talking to. so it was really nice having him back, even if we were all half-dead this morning from yesterday. :)

my next rotation is December 26-27. I am going to make Christmas cookies. :P

and now, my dear friends, I am going to go read the Mystery of Edwin Drood (because I finished A Christmas Carol!) until I fall asleep.

and no, I still have not changed my calendar.

AND....

IT SNOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! verifiably. such a beautiful thing. I love how God takes the dust particles in the air and turns them into something so beautiful for us to enjoy.

I am going to Starbucks tonight! I solemnly promise myself, I am!

OH MY GOHS IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
getting out of my car this morning felt like tumbling face-first into a snow bank. and the subsequent walk to school kind of felt like burrowing through said snow bank.

however, got to school, was able to get the conference room for my presentation group to practice in (even though it's "not usually for students, but just this once...." skills, right?). we spent about half an hour freaking out about our powerpoint and our class activity and if the lecture was going to work or wasn't.
and of course it all went fine - great, actually. our teacher loved it, the class liked it and was fairly engaged during the activity at the end. and we're SO HAPPY to be done with it. so much stress is gone! just like that.

piano stuff for this weekend is going better. I'm playing like three hours straight, lots of carols and a bunch of background music in between. I've been more or less freaking out about all this music.....practicing about 2-3 hours a day just to have it all ready. I wish I was a better musician and didn't have to work so hard at this stuff.
but it is coming together. I'm not too worried about it. and what was really pushing it over the top is that I'm on worship this weekend too, so I was worried about preparing a lot for that. Roger told me to just take it easy this weekend and he'd play the main piano stuff....so all I have to prep is background keyboard stuff which makes everything a lot easier. He's so sweet. I was like "hey Roger, I'm playing a massive amount of stuff at the Celebration Dinner and I'm kind of freaking out about worship." and he's like "why didn't you tell me that? just take it easy and don't worry about it." *smile*

finished the lousy book I was reading for English, and I just have one more forum and then the final next week. one more day of class for Shakespeare and then our final (which is watching a movie and then discussing it....I love this class). long weekend, day of absolutely nothing on Monday - why do they call it a study day? all that the student population is doing is sleeping in and enjoying the day off....

my month of cooking is now over, for which I'm very thankful (although I miss parts of it). I enjoyed the time in the kitchen, and trying new things, and having them turn out really well (most of the time). But I'm glad that the daily responsibility is gone. it's kind of like school. I've enjoyed this Shakespeare class a lot, but, though I'll miss it, I'm glad that it's over.
we crossed a line somewhere in this class. at the beginning it was just fun. we were talking about love and stuff like that. it was a comedy. we laughed a lot. somewhere in Richard III we got past that, and entered a darker side of stuff. once we were really immersed in Lear, we lost something in comeraderie. I don't know how, or where, but by the time we got to Titus I think all we were left looking at was our own dark selves. no more love. nothing beautiful. just the darkness of human nature and revenge. there was this beginning surge of energy and morbid enjoyment, but now, at the very end of it all, I miss the innocence of the beginning of the class.

I guess it's kind of like a journey we've been on. sort of like the fellowsip, if you know what I mean. at the end of it all, you look at the Shire differently. it's so much more precious and fragile than it ever was. all of life is. but you can't help wishing that you didn't have this enlightenment....that life could just be the innocent, oblivious thing that it was before. because it was easier, and more fun, and things were just beautiful. when something gets tarnished or disfigured or ugly, you wish it hadn't happened that way. something about the longing for childhood we all have when we have to leave it. when you're a kid, you don't realize how wonderful life is. when you grow up, you wish you could go back to the happiness and oblivion and stay there. because you wouldn't have to know what a dark place the world really is.

I don't know if this makes sense or not, and really I guess it doesn't have to. you weren't on the journey, so I can't expect it to make sense completely.

but I'm hoping to give myself a nice large dose of old books, chick flicks and Disney movies over the break, and find the Peter Pan that's hiding out in me. he's been kind of oppressed for a little while, but I think it's almost time to pull him out again.



it's also time to change my calendar to December. *facepalm*



I'm learning to live without you,
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know,
The less I understand
All the things I thought I knew
I'm learning again

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore

I've got my memories/always inside of me/but I can't go back/back to how it was

change. stupid, stupid, stupid, awful change. drat it. :(

this quarter has been great and not-so-great at the same time. a very bipolar quarter. I'm SOOOO GLAD it's almost over. my Shakespeare teacher was right - these plays literally do effect our lives, and finishing up with Lear and Titus Andronicus is kind of disturbing. it's like living in a nightmare sometimes....not for long, but long enough. I miss my Taming of the Shrew days. I thought things were sketchy then, but how innocent it all seems now.

I'm sick of the material in my classes. I liked Titus the first time I read it. now I seriously think I've lost my mind and a good chunk of my morals too, and I just want to get away from it all and take a long, cleansing break. get better. write something good. read something better.

I'm reading The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao in my novels class. I think, so far, it averages about eight 4-letter words per page, most of them the f-word. yes. wonderful book, great choice for a writing class. what's not in "french" is in spanish, so I can't even understand the stuff that I might want to read. and if it's in actual English, it's talking about sex in some super-degrading, inappropriate way. If it were up to me, I'd never have gotten past the first page of this book.
and it's a freaking BESTSELLER.

the really disturbing thing to me is that, over this quarter, we've read six novels, starting with Persuasion and then moving on chronologically up to Oscar Wao (2008); and in each book the subject matter and the language just got worse and worse and worse and worse. it scares me that these are selections from our world over the past 200 years, and this is how bad it's gotten.

I'm thinking about writing a letter to my professor. seriously. I DON'T want my head filled with this stuff all day long. is this really the best example of modern lit he could come up with? does he not think it possible that maybe, just maybe, a few of his students don't want to read/write about sex and bad language and people doing horribly stupid things all day long? if it wasn't for the grade I now need to keep up, I'd.....
I don't know. but I'd do something, I'm pretty sure of it. :P



anyway, depressing, boring....I know, I know, blah blah blah. I wish I had something a little happier to write about. this week is going to be super-stressful. I have a piano lesson tomorrow and nothing at all prepared for it; spent the whole week working on Christmas stuff for the Celebration Dinner this Saturday. I'm really hoping my teacher isn't mad. I have a recital in a week and a half for my students....most of them aren't ready for it and neither am I. just got my worship music (for, you guessed it: this weekend). it's a week late and I don't see how I'll possibly have time to even look at the music between now and Saturday. practiced for a good three hours today and still didn't get through everything....just kind of stopped out of sheer exhaustion and it getting too late to play.



ok. let's not talk about that anymore, I'll just worry and it won't help a thing.

how was your Thanksgiving? mine was quite good. Thursday we went up to my grandparents' in West Seattle, where we helped with all the food and whatnot. my grandma's family came over from 2:00-3:00ish, when we started eating.
(as a note, I've never really cared much for my grandma's family. she's got two sisters and two brothers who are all extremely liberal and fanatical. they get it from their mom, who joined the communist party back in the war and is now a member of the 'Raging Grannies,' who are always and forever raging about something, be it the president or the environment or animal treatment or goodness-knows-what. my great-grandma is originally from Canada, and why on earth the whole family doesn't relocate there I haven't yet figured out. the whole eight years Bush was in office we couldn't get everyone together without hearing about how awful America was getting and how terrible the president was and how great Canada is. anyway, my aunt Karen is the oldest, and she's the most outspoken, liberal, and controlling of them all. and for goodness sake, somebody is always complaining about something. for the most part they've all got a lot of money, and everything is about comfort. drives me up the wall.)
so needless to say, I wasn't too thrilled about the gathering, though I love my grandparents. I love them a lot more when not surrounded by the rest of the family. =)
but overall it went fairly well. with Obama in office screwing up all their hopes and dreams, there was no talk of politics. only about half of the normal crowd actually showed up, so things were less crazy. wasn't as much drinking as usual, I think.....that or I've gotten used to half-drunk people, which is also possible. only two of my cousins (both in their twenties, and one of them I can actually carry a conversation with) were there, which made me more comfortable. usually I can avoid the adults well enough, and they don't pay attention to me, but it's the cousins I see every two years that I really dread.
I guess my family is a little odd. besides the Canadian-communist thing, and the numerous divorces/affairs, and the numerous vegetarians, some of these people are just going into really off-the-wall jobs. one of my cousins is going to school to get a masters in Librarian something-or-other, with a focus in Archiving. she's going to a Libraring School. ????
another cousin, with whom I've exchanged maybe ten words in my whole life (he had a bad case of shyness, anger management issues, and an afro in the earlier years when I knew him) is living somewhere in Canada going to school for something with linguistics. speaks French more than he speaks English. guess I'll see him at Christmas and New Year's, and mom wants me to talk to him.
"You should practice your French."
Yeah right. Talk about embarassing.
(what are we supposed to talk about anyway? sure, he's my cousin. I've found in life that I like my cousins less than almost anyone else I've ever met....that goes for all sides. there are one or two exceptions on all sides, but overall, I don't even know them because we never see each other, and when I do see them they aren't people I'd generally talk to.)
but I'm expected to carry on not only a civil, but a polite convesation. guess I'll do my best.
but in English, not French.



ok, back to Thanksgiving. we ate too much, sat around talking, tried not to fall asleep. ate dessert when we could actually eat any more.....the family stayed way too late, drank a little too much wine. watched some football.....I made frequent trips downstairs (maybe a dozen or so more than were strictly necessary) to check on the dog and cats.
at long last, everyone had gone, and we settled in for the night. Friday was our holiday baking day (me, mom, and grandma), and so we were staying the night. actually, I was staying the whole weeked, and mom and day were staying through Saturday.
we watched a movie, I think, and then all went off to bed. had to be well-rested, as baking day is a long and exhausting event, though extreme fun. so, Friday we spent in the kitchen, covered in flour, baking five different kinds of cookies (in addition to the four varieties that we had baked the week before), eating cookie dough, setting timers and washing the mixing bowl out for the four hundredth time, adding whole eggs to things instead of just the yolks by mistake (don't try this, it doesn't work!), getting flour over everything no matter how gradually it was added, and pausing only for a quick lunch break - Thanksgiving dinner leftovers. at the end of the day, when we finally turned off the oven and finished bagging the last of the cookies, we went out to an Indian restaurant for dinner, as nobody was up to cooking. that night we watched the Princess Bride together before bed.

Saturday morning we women did our Christmas shopping! (we're not brave enough to do Black Friday shopping, so we go on Saturday when a lot of the sales are still on but the lines are seriously diminished.) we went up to Bellevue (where, by the way, everything is more expensive) and hit Sears, Marshall's, Starbucks, the Sprint store (like my whole family has Blackberries now and none of us know how to use them....my grandma has one and I've decided that people of a certain age should just be banned from having them), and Fred Meyer. find good stuff in odd places, I guess. spent a lot of time and money in Marshall's and Fred Meyer, where my grandma bought a whole bunch of clothes for both me and my mom, which we can't have until Christmas. I'm willing to wait though, because there are some really cute clothes waiting for me which I couldn't have bought for myself. :) My mom's excited too.

we came back to their house in the afternoon and my mom left pretty soon after that. dad had left that morning, to return home and put up the Christmas lights! we bummed around for the afternoon, kind of exhausted; ate leftovers for dinner and read for awhile. around 7:00 my grandpa and I were both sitting on the couch, brain-fried, exhaustified, and staring at the TV like something magical would appear on it.
"want to watch something?"
"sure. what?"
"I don't know."
"Netflix on-demand!"
so we spent about half an hour narrowing down a genre, and another half hour finding a movie (exaggeration added), and finally settled on My Best Friend's Wedding, which I had only seen once, edited, a long time ago, and which my grandparents had never seen. we watched it together, my grandparents both stayed awake for the entire thing (this has honestly NEVER happened before), and we all really enjoyed it. went to bed and researched backpacks for my Europe trip, because.....

Sunday morning we headed to REI. basically, my whole Christmas/birthday wish list is stuff I'm gonna need for Europe. so we went to look at backpacks, sleeping bags, sleeping pads, shoes, and goodness-knows-what-else. my grandpa rides his bicycle a lot so he knows REI well, and my grandma is just an absolute shopper at heart and almost can't resist buying something if she sees "Sale" or "Clearance" (especially this latter one). and they both are picky and like quality (aka expensive) stuff, so REI is just great for them.
long story short, I found an amazing backpack, which I'm getting for my birthday (yay!!!! SUPER excited). the gal helping me was just about my height, same body shape, and knew what she was talking about when it came to backpacks. then she brought us over to the sleeping bag section and delivered us to Peter, the nice older gentlemen who spent a good half hour helping me try on sleeping bags. no joke. took my shoes off and got on a table thing, and tried on about half a dozen different ones before deciding one one which ought to keep even me warm in an English summer. I'm getting this for Christmas. :D

looked at shoes for about 15-20 minutes, but I was worn out, and my ultimate nemesis is shoe shopping, and since I've got a year and a half till I leave I decided shoes could wait. not to mention, we were hungry. so we collected and went home to lunch, after which I packed up all my stuff and was returned back to my own house.

where, two hours later (after severely over-cooking a pizza and some curly fries), six girls from my class joined me to work out costumes and rehearse our presentation for class on Thursday. stayed till 10:00, and I finally got to bed, thoroughly worn out. long weekend. fun, but long.

so, not looking forward to this week. but I'll get through it (I think with a little help from Starbucks, maybe). though the weekend will be CRAZY, I'm really looking forward to it. Monday's a study day....I'll just sleep through it. :P

I'm not your saint/I'm not your savior

I'm doing better. meaning, ok instead of completely stressed out.

these last two or three weeks I've kind of spent a ton of time holed up in my room either reading or writing for school. I feel so distanced from my family though.....I mean, I get mad at my mom for no reason, and my dad and I hardly talk because we hardly even see each other. but I suppose pretty soon this will get better too. I guess, really, it's already getting better. these last couple of weeks have been nightmarish though.

I have this huge project in Shakespeare that I'll be doing next week. it's a group project, which is cool because not all of the workload is on me, but it's not cool because we all have to collaborate and be on the same page, and we don't have much time to pull it together. but it's going to be really good, and the majority of the work got done today or will be getting done tomorrow. it involves sock puppets. :P

Playing piano about two hours a day, and still not practicing enough for lessons because I'm trying to pull all this other stuff together for background music/carols at the celebration dinner on the 5th. my teacher was really understanding today though, which is unusual. so that made me feel better too. she reminded me that your life will show up in your music - I've been stressed so my music is really tense; I can't relax. but I'm trying. doesn't it sound weird that you're trying hard to relax? but I practiced this evening and it was a lot better. confidence is getting better.

hmmm.....been cooking dinner all month long. I swear nowadays I spend half my life in the kitchen. it's kind of fun though - after hours sitting in a chair in my room staring at a computer screen, it's nice to be on my feet in the kitchen for awhile. but it does take up a lot of time and a fair amount of creativity. my absolute favorite kitchen ingredients are Worcestershire sauce and rock salt. garlic helps a lot too, and onion is just great. these things have brightened many an average meal this month. and now I really want to make meatloaf again.....

lately I just want to read a lot, and just this week I've wanted to start writing again. I mean, just for fun. I've been writing almost daily all quarter long, something either for Shakespeare or for Intro to Novels, and my writing has really improved. been reading a lot of different things too, and I think all these different styles are influencing me. been reading everything from Austen to Dostoevsky to Shakespeare to modern teenage skaz like Catcher in the Rye, expletive-filled-crap like the current (and last!) Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. the only thing good about this book is the long title, because it increases the word count in my forum posts by a lot. but I've been reading other stuff too. my Shakespeare class has a blog on Ning, so I'm reading everyone else's posts once a week, and comments through the week. my friend Bret, who I talked about a little in my last post, used to blog a bit and I was reading some of his old posts because he's just an incredible writer. in terms of reader enjoyment, I think I like to read his work more than anything else; he has a crazy amazing way with words, either spoken or written. and he makes the awesomest similes EVER, lol. probably comes from song-writing.

which makes me laugh, because his job is completely math-based. don't you hate people who are good at both math and English? and music too? doesn't seem fair....

anyway. if I had five hours free each day, instead of five hours divvied up between homework and piano practice, I'd probably spend all five reading. or maybe four reading and the fifth writing. right now....it's just a thing. big cups of tea, rain and cold and wind outside, and so many memories of past years. this time of year just floods me with memories of youth and innocence and free time, and how life "used to be," "back in the day." maybe it's why, with a birthday in January, I always pick right now to start freaking out about turning 15/16/17/now 18. and really....18 is just such a BIG and IMPORTANT number. pretty sure I'm not ready for it yet.

but my reading list for Christmas break is forming itself. first thing after Thanksgiving, I'm reading A Christmas Carol. then I'll finish up the Mystery of Edwin Drood (do you have any idea how annoying it is to read a mystery that is left unfinished? seriously. why did Dickens have to go and die? I know Jasper didn't do it....Dickens had some brilliant twist to throw in at the end. but of course he wouldn't leave any notes, not even the tiniest hint about the end of the story. *exasperated sigh*). then I'm going to treat myself to a re-read of the Hobbit that will probably occupuy the whole of two days with big blankets and a full pot of tea.

after that, the list grows a little hazy. I'm thinking about Crime and Punishment, because I'm not sure I'll be able to handle Dostoevsky during next quarter, with 14 credits at school. but I also really want to read Mansfield Park and Northanger Abbey, and so complete my education in Austen. we'll see where I get.

other plans over Christmas break include:

-a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon (mom's idea)

-a Lord of the Rings marathon (my idea)

-having my youth group over for a party which will most likely include Farmhouse cookies (Anthony's idea)

-probably doing some kind of overnight with my aunt Kari, which will most likely include Jane Austen movies or sewing or genealogy-related things.

-introducing Dexter to Pike Place Market sometime the week after Christmas, if he ends up driving over here from snowy Idaho.

-making gingerbread houses with Becca. or, according to her, gingerbread castles. probably both.

other than that, I'm deliberately keeping my schedule very open. there'll probably be a party here and there, and lots of hanging out with other people who are on break. I'm so ridiculously excited for break! I love my Shakespeare class, and am indifferent towards my novels class, but I'm just really ready for them both to be done. I am sort of looking forward to this project. finals week won't be too hard. but I feel like I've been working hard without a break all month long, and Christmas fever is setting in, and Thanksgiving is two days away.....it's just that time of year. once Christmas lights start coming out and I start my Christmas shopping, it's just time.

so. the countdown has begun. 16 days until Christmas break. just a week of presentations and a week of finals.

bring it on.

this may be the longest post in the history of my blog. just warning you. good luck and....gentlemen, start your engines!

ok. another late night, another blog post.

I am feeling a little down, so I'm sorry if this post is depressing. or confusing.

things are, for the most part, getting better. but I've been having some really rocky times with a few relationships lately, and that's taking its toll. I guess since I'm more of an introvert, the friends I do have are really really close (even if we don't talk a lot or see each other much, I have close, strong friendships, and not many shallow acquaintances). So whenever there are bumps (or potholes) in the road, I tend to take it pretty hard.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at here. Life in general is just driving me kind of crazy. we're into King Lear in Shakespeare, and only the promise of Titus Andronicus to come, so even though I like the people in my class, and the teacher, each day only really provides troubling or depressing thoughts, not happy ones like when we were doing The Taming of the Shrew. it seems like when we hit Richard III, the 'winter of our discontent' got started. with the change in the weather and a freezing walk to school every morning, I just come home feeling a little colder inside, not warmer like it used to be. I'm not looking forward to winter quarter.

especially since my friend Becca can't take choir and PE with me after all, so now I'm stuck doing them by myself. I'm gonna get lonely. well, I'm already lonely. I guess I just don't like thinking about it getting any worse.

I'm sad because it doesn't look like a Christmas party/sleepover is going to work out after all. it leaves me with a long, empty-looking Christmas break. my mom is all about cutting back on activities this year, staying home more. I love my family but right now I can't think of anything much worse. I mean, I'm already home all the time. honestly, my parents are gone a lot. they are gone during the day when I'm doing nothing, and then when I want to go do something in the evenings they complain about how I'm never home.

ok, that's not true. I'm painting it worse than it is to try and get your sympathy.

(is it working?) :P

*sigh* my mom just came in and started talking. for a good, solid half hour. and she's really tired, so she's talking about nothing whatsoever. and I'm feeling VERY introverted and wanting to just be alone and write and maybe cry or something.

"it feels like you're irritated at me."

"I'm not irritated. at you."

she starts talking about vacuum cleaners. about the big argument that took place this morning at the office over the vacuum cleaner. and how ridiculous it was. and I'm thinking, how ridiculous is it right now, you recounting the whole vacuum cleaner argument to me?

but she finally left, went off to bed, leaving me still vascillating between a hot bath and finishing King Lear, or a few more wasted hours on the computer. I still haven't decided.

one thing I have decided however, is to shorten my Europe trip considerably. I got a dose of cold feet and reality at the same time, and it proved to be more than I could handle. so what I'm doing is this: I'm gonna stay home this year through summer and keep on working...try to get some more students. next fall/winter I'm still gonna be at home, and I'm going to finish up my AA (so help me God....though this is another new point of stress in my life and in my paternal relationship. seriously, you have no idea how amazing part-time running start is with no pressure to actually get a degree). in the spring I'll leave for Europe, and just spend a month in Germany with Cosi's family, a month in Paris, and a couple months in England/Scotland/Wales/Ireland. then I'll come home and start missions college in MN in August.

though I'm mourning the loss of Italy, I feel much more peaceful about this part of my life. I finally came to the realization that although I could earn the money, make the plans, and do the trip, I'd be physically gone all of next year but "gone" most of this year trying to either make money like crazy or make plans. this way, I'll actually be home this year, not have to worry about holding down (and finding) another job somewhere, and I'll be able to relax a little more with my expenditures in Europe. it's all-around better.

the only thing I'm now discovering with a cold shock is that so many of my friends who are planning to leave next fall are already in that state of "gone." all of a sudden I have this time, and I so much want to spend this last year before the-rest-of-my-life with my dear, close friends, but they're not here anymore. we waited too long.

and I've never learned how to let go. it's like.....I can't.

meanwhile, the weather's getting colder but not enough for snow. Thanksgiving is coming but it isn't quite Christmas yet. it's that part of fall quarter where everyone feels like dying. it's depressing but busy.

here I am, blowing around with the wind, so it seems. I think I'll spend the next few days looking for my anchor.

************************************************************

ok. are you ready for the happy news?

I'm on worship this weekend. dinner at Frankie's tomorrow night!!!!! although, we have a lot of subs this weekend because of the Christian Musician Summit that about half my team is attending. so it's still not quite the same. but tomorrow I get to talk Roger into playing a TSO song on our next rotation, when we break into all-out Christmas music. this I am excited for.

I got a new Bible. it's a study Bible, in the new living translation, and it looks pretty fantastic. I'm happy about this because it helps me to read more, and to study the Bible more as opposed to just reading it. I L-O-V-E this translation. I practically devoured it when I was in India.

I've been playing a LOT lately. in flute, I can play just about two octaves of the three octave range, which isn't bad. the really low and really high notes are still tough. but overall it's sounding better and I'm playing faster. I need to work on Christmas stuff to play for Christmas!

for piano though, I'm just overall playing a ton. there's my lesson stuff, which is really hard but I'm having so much fun that I don't notice it much. you know how you feel after doing some really hard work for awhile and then sitting back and seeing the progress you've made? there's some of that same sense of satisfaction to my practice. for once in my life I feel like a really good musician. I'm not a great musician, and I know that, but I'm getting some of the confidence I've always lacked, and it helps me play better.

Bret, the electric guitarist on my worship team, has been helping me a lot. nothing really concrete, mostly just inspiring pep-talks over email. I remember my first couple of rotations on worship, when I was absolutely terrified of the whole thing. Him on one side, and Roger on the other, huge grins on their faces to remind me to smile and keep good stage presence. I bombed one section where I was kind of supposed to be standing out, and Bret jumped in and covered it all up for me. and then he gave me one of the greatest pieces of musical advice ever: if you hit a wrong note, play it twice and call it jazz. the next day Roger took it over so I didn't have to do it until I had a little more experience. they've both been great..........mentor-figures I guess.

it's funny, because back before I knew him, I was actually kind of frightened of Bret. he's a musician inside and out, and also a perfectionist. and his focus is intense. like, interrupting him is just really not a good idea. and he's also bipolar. which makes for some really interesting days. :)

but even though he's such a great musician and a perfectionist, he somehow has this safe zone of understanding, and he knows just the right words to inspire confidence. and mistakes are just ok. that's all there is to it. you forget it, you move on, you always work to do better.

Bret plays with Roger in their band (I talked about it in a previous post, they played at the fundraiser). I was possibly going to be playing a song with them, and I helped them anyway with set up and tear down, so Bret and I were emailing quite a bit the last couple of weeks, working out coordination and things like that.....with random conversational topics thrown in as well. through the whole thing he's just been really great, really sweet, and giving me some tips and some of those mini-pep-talks that have really helped me all week.

as a result of this, I guess, I've started really working on my improv skills. or rather, I should say, my lack of improv skills. working on getting the theory from my head to my hands - what it takes to be able to play in a band. it's proving to be one of the hardest things I've ever tackled. but at the same time, it's fun. and it's making me a better musician when it comes to chord music.

which is great because I just started playing for youth group again. so far we've only played once (last night), and we sucked pretty bad, but we're getting it all together. the main problem is that our drummer can't keep a beat and our bass player doesn't have a musical bone in his body. other than that, we're doing ok. even if we bomb all the time, it's a good experience for me. not having an electric guitar (or really any rythym instruments, when you consider that we would be better off without the drums and bass), I'm forced to carry a lot more of the musical weight. and I'm front and center on the stage which makes me nervous. AND we don't have a clue which songs we're gonna play until we show up.

"ok, so we're just going to play through each song once and try to get through them all before youth group starts. just listen really closely to me and try to follow."

that's about what it looks like. =)

but it was still fun. I like my team and it feels good to do it. it feels right. I'm enjoying chord playing more than I ever have before, and there's the budding promise of a confidence that's 'just over the horizon' which is kind of spreading its first rays to everything else. in this one part of my life, I'm reaching stability.

which is going to be important as everything else falls apart.

thank you for bearing with me through this stream-of-consciousness. must be painful to read, but always remember:

if you've made it this far

you're where monsters are

ok, that really wasn't what I wanted you to remember. (go Pooh Bear!) but seriously, you guys are amazing and I love you all dearly. I don't know what I'd do without this blog thing.

and I'll try to have another 'happy post' up in the near future. probably after this weekend playing keys. I just have this feeling that it's going to be amazing. :)

some new stuff

1. my mom has a severe cold. she sounds like she's on death's door most of the time. actually, she sounds like Bilbo Baggins after riding the barrels all the way to Dale, when he says "thank you very much" like "thag you bery buch."

2. speaking of Bilbo, I'm trying to decide if I should tackle Crime and Punishment next, or re-read the Hobbit. I know two people who are reading the Hobbit right now, so I'm thinking it might be a sign. I may save Crime and Punishment for Christmas break. never mind the fact that I don't have time for either, because we're starting a new novel in my online english class and a new play in my on-campus one. and I ought to be reading both of those right now, but instead I am blogging away, because it's much more fun and like I said before, I just need to write. I stayed up super-late last night writing just about everything that needed to come out, and I feel so much better for it today.

3. went to Mars Hill with Anna tonight, and it was a really awesome service. their band is truly amazing. I wish my church did hymns like that.

4. getting cold feet about going to Europe for such a long time, and wondering if it's worth it to do nothing but work between now and then, just to be gone forever. seriously thinking about shortening my trip A LOT, and enjoying my very last year at home. it's so hard to think about leaving in a year - leaving for good. I mean, I'll be back home occasionally, but when I think of Europe, and then college in another state, and then India for the foreseeable future, I don't even want to think about working every spare hour this whole year, and missing the last part of my life at home. I have to talk to my parents about this. I'm longing for some kind of normality though. I'd like for my Christmas wish list to having CDs and piano music and normal stuff on it, instead of the giant list of backpacking things that I need but can't afford.

5. loving and hating life. I love to be home, I hate to be micromanaged. It's a trade-off though, I guess. it could be a lot worse.

6. I'm coming back to God after a long absense. it's so refreshing. I hate dry spells, don't you? but perhaps that's what makes coming back so absolutely perfect. I wish I could be like so many other people though, who seem to have it mostly together.

7. I think I prize raw honesty above everything else. the people I admire most in my life right now are incredibly screwed-up individuals who are NOT the models of a perfect Christian, but who admit it and humbly ask for help. they are rough-around-the-edges people who give 100% or nothing at all. but they are super-encouraging to me, and I know when I ask 'how are you?' I'm going to get the truth in response. I love this. REAL people - such a novel concept....

8. I had a major breakthrough with something personal this weekend. I don't really want to talk about details, but I know it had a lot to do with my spiritual dry-ness, and so through lots of writing and a few deep conversations with God, I'm feeling like I'm coming out of it. It's really amazing and I'm just so glad it's over. I've been an emotional mess for a few weeks now because of it, so it's good to be able to start looking at it as something that's over, instead of something I'm in the middle of.

9. I'm incredibly excited for Christmas!!!!!!!!! and my brain has finally started working, and I'm finally starting to come up with some gift ideas for people. this is exciting, because it means I can start shopping. my Christmas break is looking long and empty. I'm having visions of hot chocolate, blankets, and books. and sugar plums, of course.

10. is it raining out there? it's raining in here. Seriously though, it started pouring out in Enumclaw Thursday night at the end of youth group, and it's been pouring off and on ever since. I'm rather enjoying it, when I get to stay inside and just listen to it. hoping it stays away during my walks to/from school though....

11. I think 10 is enough for now. I really need to go read Act 1 of King Lear because we're talking about it in class in 10 1/2 hours. and I need to read this other book for my other class, because I have an assignment due on the first half of it on Tuesday, and I've only read chapter 1 so far. I hate this professor though, he said he'd post our assignment over the weekend, and is it up yet? no......

12. I'll stop complaining now and go do my work.



hearts and hugs to everyone - I love you guys!

Everybody cut footloose!

ok. I'm only writing this because I've wanted to make a new post for about a week now and just haven't had either time or motivation (more frequently no motivation) to sit down and do it.

there are a billion things I need to write about on my own. therapeutically. I think there's an off-chance I'm losing my mind.

because of this, I don't have a lot to say on here. it's mostly just stuff I need to hash out with my journal. I've been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too emotional this week.

but anyway, the cold is gone. it lasted all of two days, I got a ton of sleep because I had no school tuesday or thursday, so it's all better now (though my mom is sick, but with something different).

last night at youth group it started pouring down rain, I mean sheets of rain, and lots of wind, so Becca and I ran outside and started spinning around. and then we realized how freaking cold it was and came back inside after about three seconds. but we got really wet. then we had to make a dash out to our cars, and as I was unlocking my door I thought I tripped over something - I looked down only to realize that it was a really huge puddle I had just run through.

so I drove home with a very wet pantleg and sock. and came home and put fuzzy socks on.

tonight was the fundraiser at our church. you know how I'm always saying how my church is overflowing with musical talent? well, this fundraiser (for new chairs in our sanctuary because the old ones look like crap) was basically two bands that have formed from people within our church. The Pilots are brand new....they are mostly late teens/early twenties and play normal, modern music. and they are incredible. I've heard them twice now and they're sooooo good. the other band is Roger and the Hubcaps. Roger is my worship leader, and back in college he and Bret (our electric guitarist) started this band with three other guys. they didn't play for a long time but a few years back they got back together and started playing a few gigs. they play oldies/rock and roll stuff from the 60's on.

they played Footloose and it was amazing. everybody was dancing. we had a fantastic time.

so anyway, I'm very very very tired now. I'm going to go to bed and sleep like the dead. I hope I'm not sore tomorrow. I'm too young to be sore. and I'll write more soon-ish. for some reason I really feel like writing this week.

"What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough." "What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough!"

let's see....interesting news:

I have a cold. I'm going to blame it on Anthony, because I saw him at church yesterday and this morning he said he's sick and then this afternoon I started sneezing and sniffling. I'm guessing he gave me whatever he has. it kind of sucks.

I've finally got my classes figured out for next quarter. it's changed about a billion times this week alone, but it's worked out to Choir at 9:00, Kickboxing two days a week at 10:00, Psychology at 11:00, and History of Art online. I'm hoping I can handle all that and figure out a way to either teach more or get a part time job on top of it. I'm once again working out the master plan for this Europe trip thing, and wondering where in the world all this money is going to come from......

my mom bought stops for her old flute so that I can play it (stops are basically just a way that makes it easier to play a flute...good for beginners like me!). I've been playing a bit each day and am getting a lot better at those high notes, although breathing is still tricky. it's getting better though.

I've played piano for an hour almost every day this week, and I'm noticing improvement in all my songs. this is encouraging. my teacher is going to be happy. :P

I have the house to myself tonight and am seriously thinking about finishing Richard III, finishing Great Expectations, and finishing the DVD of the Taming of the Shrew that I started two weeks ago. and possible a big hot mug of tea.

on Halloween we watched a bunch of movies and stayed up extremely late. Anna came over for a few hours and we made death-by-chocolate-caramel-and-other-stuff caramel apples. we dipped them in caramel, chocolate, and then again in caramel, and added coconut and chocolate and sprinkles and fun things like that. and the first time my parents tried melting the chocolate it "seized." which basically means it's no good anymore and you can't use it for dipping.

mom: what do you mean it can't be fixed? that's just not right.

dad: can be caused by melting on too high of heat....

mom: there wasn't any heat! it was just sitting here!

dad: ....or by adding liquid such as water.....

mom: oh.

dad: ....or by adding cool liquid such as water or milk.

mom: oh. ooops.

so we then poured the seized chocolate into a bowl, added peanut butter, poured more chocolate over it, and topped with the leftover caramel. it tastes like a big Snickers bar smashed together with a Reece's bar.

so we watched Ocean's 12, with Anna rushing out the door at the last second of the last scene so she wouldn't miss her curfew.

and then we watched The Happening. t.e.r.r.i.f.y.i.n.g. that's really the only way to describe it. it was so scary. of course it was dark (that's really the only way to watch a scary movie), and the whole movie is about this stuff in the air - supposedly released by the angry plants that feel threatened by human existence - that starts in Central Park and turns off the self-preservation thing in peoples' brains, basically making them kill themselves in many various and creative ways. it spreads all around northeast U.S., and of course there's the couple with the little girl trying desperately to stay alive the whole time.

yes, it was terrifying. so when it was over I decided we needed to watch a happy movie. because I absolutely hate going to bed right after watching a scary movie in the dark. it's almost as bad as parking garages.

so we watched Lost in Austen, which has been sitting on our shelf, borrowed from my aunt, for several weeks now. I didn't think it would be very good, but to my surprise I really liked it. despite is incredible lenth (I think it's like 3 hours long or something), it's really cute and I enjoyed it. it's about this young woman who lives in modern-day London, and is absolutely obsessed with Pride and Prejudice. and then she finds a portal to Regency England, into the Bennet family's house (well, ok, Elizabeth is actually the one who finds it). she and Elizabeth accidentally trade places for awhile, and she makes a royal mess of the whole story (marries Jane off to Mr. Collins, and Mr. Bingley falls in love with the wrong person, etc.) and then has to try and fix it. while falling in love with Mr. Darcy, of course. and meanwhile Elizabeth is learning how to survive in modern-day London......

:P anyway. it was cute.

and I am now going to make that cup of tea I promised myself, find a really big, warm blanket, and read my books.

because I can.

transcend time/with my thoughts/build a house for you and I/and we will live there/alone and surrealize

has it really been a week since I posted? it doesn't feel like a week, somehow. I guess I've just been working really hard on stuff.

I feel this wonderful sense of accomplishment! FINALLY finished my TEFL course (though my tutor hasn't gotten back to me on the last module yet, but all the work is done). YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also, I finally wrote up a flyer thing to send out to our old co-op about piano lessons. I really need some more students, and I'd like to take homeschoolers if possible, so I can teach during the day instead of late in the evening. So hopefully that will get sent out today. it's been on my mind for like a week and a half.

Guess what happened yesterday? I finally caved in and drove to school....it was still in the 30's when I had to leave, so I decided to drive. Left the house at 9:35 and got to the school by 9:40.........

..........9:55 came home and had mom give me a ride to the school.

NO PARKING ANYWHERE.

*sigh* I'm so used to parking for 8:00 classes when there are tons of spaces still open at 7:45, 7:50. I don't think I've ever tried to park there for a 10:00 class.

so yeah, mom dropped me off and I think I walked into my class right at 10:00 (thank goodness for stay-at-home moms!)....and then walked home. in the freezing cold. which was not fun.

yeah. so now I'm not sure what to do. Becca and I are trying to work out carpooling next quarter. it may involve a PE class. >:(

mmmmmmmmmmm.........aren't cinnamon rolls the best? I made gingersnaps a couple of nights ago, while we carved our pumpkin and watched You've Got Mail, and they turned out really well! except they aren't as soft and chewy as I'd like. you just never know with gingersnaps.

finished that huge essay on Tuesday and got it turned in. life is most definately calming down. which is good because now I have a trip to Europe to plan......

alright my friends, of to Shakespeare and the wildness that is My Class + Richard III!!!!

(oh one last thing. yesterday I had to write down words of so many syllables with certain stress patterns for TEFL. wrote down curMUDGeon....it was pretty fantasting. then I was saying everything with a British accent. try it - it's addicting.

tomato.

and try reading furniture, written out in the phonetic alphabet. comes out as funitshe. British accent - there are no "r's" in the word. that one took me a loooong time to figure out.)

my baby cousin got bigger since I spent three days in the hospital with him back in July

I've been meaning to post for forever. I've had this 'new post' page open for days now, but no time to get to it. life is...crazy.

I know, I'm always saying that. the thing is, I wasn't expecting life to be crazy right now. I was expecting laid-back. so it's kind of caught me off-guard.

with Cosi gone now, I'll have a lot more time - like I'm used to. not that I'm glad she's gone....I'll probably be lonely and miserable for a few days. but I am glad that every spare minute will once again be my own. yes - I am an only child and I'm selfish about my time. :P

we saw her off at the airport today; it was really tough. she's so scared.....flying by yourself is really a terrifying thing the very first time. and when you have to give the very last hug and finally face the rest of the journey alone, that is the hardest part. Needless to say, there were some tears shed and some really tight hugs, and quite a few promises made. so far, I'm doing ok. I spent the whole afternoon working on finishing up another TEFL module that I never expected would take so long....

.....TEFL has been crazy, but really good for me. I've had so many mixed feelings about "the future" lately. do I really want to be a teacher? can I handle living in India? sometimes I think no and sometimes yes. but since I really jumped back into finishing up my TEFL course (it expires in a week) it's been more on the yes side of things. I've had a hard time processing this trip, just because I learned so much about what it really takes to live in India; I saw so much bad and so little good for a whole month. that was tough. being homesick all the time and knowing there's nothing you can do about it is tough. on top of that, I haven't really talked a lot about this trip with anyone, and I've been SO BUSY since I got back that I haven't even had much time to think. so every time I do think, something new and hard hits me. and I think.....do I really have what it takes? but what if I don't want to live in India?

sometimes normal seem boring. but most of the time, it's really so....wonderful.

but anyway, it's not about what I want anymore. I usually want what's not good for me anyway. and like I said, since I got back into my TEFL stuff, I've forced myself to look at the future even more practically.

it's funny, in all my growing-up years, I've never wanted to be a teacher. ever. except maybe for homeschooling my own kids, which is way different.

and now, here I am, planning a future in teaching. it's crazy. I love that our God is a God of surprises. imagine how boring life would be if we always got to follow the original plan.

so besides TEFL (which is literally every spare minute of my time, since I still have two modules to finish in a week's time), I have an essay due on Tuesday that I just started thinking about today; a book to read and research by the end of the month, a forum post which I just discovered is due in five minutes (thank you ANGEL....that's gonna be a late assignment), worship this weekend, piano lessons to teach, piano lesson to practice for, and family in from out of town.

I don't know how I'm doing this. it never seemed like it would be a lot, but now that I'm in it, it's too much. everybody wants 100%, and I can only give about 5% to each, so now everybody's mad.

my piano teacher not the least of all.

anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep and get my seven measley hours, and see if tomorrow ends up ahead or behind.

i wanna run/i want to hide/i wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside/i wanna reach out/and touch the flame/where the streets have no name

I went to French this afternoon, for the very last time. Sat down next to Cosi and we chatted for a few minutes about our day while Madame came around collecting everyone's cell phones. When she was finally ready to start, she began her opening remark: starting in a low voice, she worked her way up the scale - longer and more drawn out than has been normal - finally summiting at a loud and energetic, "Classe de francais!" At which remark, we students rapped our hands twice on our desks and then clapped once, in unison. So began class.

Because, after over one week of work on l'imparfait tense, the class still cannot correctly conjugate a singe thing, the day's quiz had been moved to friday - to give us more time to practice and study. I brought The Sheltering Sky to class, since I have an assignment on the next 100 pages of this book due tomorrow. Guess I should be working on that now....

anyway, I spend the first 20 minutes reading this, since the rest of the class (except Cosi) was still working on yesterday's handout, trying to finish it. Then I spent another 10 minutes reading it as we reviewed the answers to said handout. After each student struggled through and finally gasped out the close-enough-to-correct answer, we responded to Madame's prompt:

"Applaudi pour Giselle! Un, deux, trois"

*clap, clap, clap*

we're stuck in Kindergarten. somewhere in the last two weeks, I suddenly reversed from my last year of school back to my very first.

But what do I care now? I won't be in class tomorrow for the quiz. Today was my last day.

But now I have to stop beating around the bush. I have to get to the main point of this post, and tell you why I'm dropping French. Well really, the only reason I've stayed in French at all is because Cosi was taking it, and she so looked forward to having one class with me each day. And then after class I would drive her home.

But that's not necessary anymore. Because -

Cosi is going home.

yeah. she's going back to Germany.

so that's basically all I wanted to say. I wanted to find some flowery, not-so-painful way to say it. but I got to the end of French class and couldn't find my transition. so here it is, blunt and plain as day.

it's sad - no, tragic - because we get along so incredibly well. actually, her district coordinater here wouldn't believe that she didn't want to fly home because of trouble with the host family (that would be us). she sees us like her family in Gemany. and it's been such a hard decision, because she doesn't want to leave us.

but it's the school. we've tried everything that's possible, but after everything, it's just not going to work. she's so sad....and we don't want her to be miserable her whole time here just because the American public school is the stupidest thing ever created. so we've tried, but this is the decision that it's had to work out to. unfortunately.

strange as it is though, I think we all feel at peace with the decision. somehow, we know it was the right choice. I'm sad at everything we'll miss doing here together (especially going into the holiday season), but I don't feel regret. I don't feel like this is the absolute end of life as we know it. I'm happy for her, that soon she'll be back with her best friends and her family, in a good school, back in Germany. she'll be really happy again.

and it's not like we'll never see her again. I'll see her in just over a year, when I go to Europe, and I know we'll be chatting and phoning and Skyping and emailing like ALL THE TIME. so really, it's just that we don't get to be together all the time. but we'll still be in touch. always.

the end

no longer growing up/we're already there

*sigh* sorry guys. this is gonna be a long one. I'll try to make it interesting and stick some short paragraphs in between the long ones so it doesn't look like an essay from my English 101 class. I've discovered, for myself, I'm nearly incapable of ready just long paragraphs. I need short ones to break it all up or I can't even get halfway there. :P

so. my best friend (one of them, anyway) is now married. this is like, the weirdest sensation ever. Lauren and I practically grew up together. I mean, we weren't little kids together, but we went through the "growing up" teenage part of life together. I remember dissecting frogs and worms with her in Biology. I remember watching Hook and talking really late into the night when we were supposed to be studying Biology. I remember helping her move into a new house; I remember going to see National Treasure with her - it was the first movie I ever went to without any adult supervision. I remember her surprise 16th birthday party, with Bunco and everything. I remember when she finally got her license, and when she got her car, and I spoke at her graduation. I remember long scrapbooking parties, and watching the Newsies two hundred times (we can both quote the whole thing). I remember when I felt betrayed and I threw our friendship down the drain, and I remember when we both decided to pick it up again and start over. I remember lots of health problems, mental struggles, disappointments in love.........an incredibly long winter that took a lot of effort and a lot of prayers to get through. I remember when she and Ben were "just friends."
and then like five months later when they were engaged.

and now she's married. just like that.



it's difficult for me. I can say that - I'm being honest with myself. it's difficult because Ben isn't my Prince Charming. I've gotten to the point where I realize that I can't expect him to be. but still, he's so young. I do wish they had waited longer.
but when I finally realized that they were GETTING MARRIED, and let them make that decision without trying to manipulate it, I came to grips with it and felt at peace about it. I can't support her fully if I don't let her grow up and make her decisions. they made this decision. she loves him truly, and I can see that he loves her very much. they'll take care of each other. at this point, this is their life now - one life, not two.
isn't marriage a beautiful thing?

the ceremony was good. Lauren was more beautiful than I've ever seen her before. we bridesmaids had a lot of fun together. I got two big mosquito bites on my back when we were taking the outdoor pictures, which thankfully faded before the ceremony actually started (more or less). I got nervous....nervous that I would drop the ring, or drop the bouquet, or move at the wrong time, or not get her train just right. but I shoved it all deep down to be calm and composed for her - because she was freaking out for the last 15 minutes or so. we were all just sitting there in the bathroom, and I was holding her hands tight and looking into her eyes and telling her that everything would be ok and that she was fine. then it just all.....happened.
so fast. and then it was over and they were married. Mrs. Hartnett. it's gonna take some getting used to.
the reception was just crazy. I'm one of those people who loves weddings and who absolutely loves wedding receptions. but I really didn't have time to enjoy this one. I was really glad Anna was there (we played together), because I didn't know many people there that well. I mean, Lauren was super-busy socializing with everyone, and aside from that it was mostly her and his extended family and some friends, none of whom I knew well. I hung out by the piano and kept Anna company, and we ate sugar cubes like we were middle schoolers or something. it was pretty epic.


it's still really strange though. I think about her and I wonder what she's doing now. but it's not so much what she's doing, as what THEY'RE doing. it's a strange sensation and a hard one to describe. :)
I'm wondering what will happen after this. we're not those two teenage girls anymore. she's a married woman. what effect will this have on our friendship? I don't know. I am interested to find out though. I guess it's something we're ready for though. she's been ready to be married for a long time now. it's something I'm gonna have to deal with, and try to do gracefully.







oh gosh. I'm soooo tired. you know how you feel after like two weeks of stress and not enough sleep, and then you get one good night's sleep and you're groggy for the rest of the day? that was me today. 10 solid hours and now I'm completely worthless. I think I'll finish this post and then read some of that new novel....The Sheltering Sky. it looks ok, nothing great. I'm kind of wondering why there's a prostitute in every book I'm reading this month though.........ok, slight overstatement but seriously, it's getting kind of old.








today I skipped church. I had a lot of homework to do, and I needed, really really needed, a decent night's sleep. besides, I was there all afternoon and evening. I told mom I could do one or the other, but not both. I'm really glad I got a good night's sleep, got my homework done, even played a little piano, and then was actually sane and not super-stressed when I got to church at 3:00.
we were doing a "Rite of Passage Ceremony."

exactly. "what the heck is that?" that's what pretty much everyone wanted to know.

my church is slowly but steadily moving along a very good path. we are trying to move away from the traditional model of sending teenagers off to youth group for like ten years, and then expecting them to be fully-functioning adults when they emerge. the leadership of my church is realizing that the teenage ideal that comes with the teenage age is unnecessary and harmful. what business do we have taking a break from life, acting like little kids when we're really adults?
ever since I read Do Hard Things I've known this stuff. but unfortunately, most people my age don't. the adults I love the absolute most in my church are those who expect great things from me, treat me as an adult, love me like an adult, and give me the responsibilities of an adult. I rise to meet the challenge, and I mature as I do that.
so this "Rite of Passage" thing was basically that: calling forth all the teenagers into Christian adulthood. it wasn't forced on anybody, it was just for those who decided they were ready to do it. but it was four training sessions all afternoon, and then the ceremony in the evening. and it was actually really cool. lots of crying and hugging. and hopefully some people ready to be grown up.

we are adults. some of us have known it for awile. it's difficult to digest at first, but I've known it for some time now. I'm a woman. a young woman, yes, but a woman. an adult. but now the whole church is prepared to stand beside us and call us adults, treat us like adults, and give us the love and responsibilites of adults. it's like.....getting meat instead of milk. it's a new stage in life, but one that we're all ready for.
I was just barely 16 my second time in India, and during those three weeks I had to be an adult. there were no other kids. I was doing adult work in a team of adults. Praise God for John - he saw all the potential in me and stretched me to do things I didn't even think I could do. he's always done that for me. and then this last trip, I knew I had to stay with him and Sarah, because they understood that I needed to be treated like an adult, not a kid.



so anyway, this ceremony thing.
basically they had all the "older adults" (ie our parents) lining two of the aisles in the sanctuary. then we came down one at a time - Roger announced a name, then we waited on the threshold of the door as that particular kid's parents said "It is time for you to come out of the darkness and into the light. It is time to leave behind your childish ways and step into your godly manhood/womanhood." then, walking down the aisle, lots of hugging, crying, etc.
then kneeling in front of your parents. this is the weirdest part. we each received a blessing from our parents. then a blessing from our pastor. then more hugging, etc.

when I'm typing it now, it sounds so "churchy." but it wasn't. it was actually really neat. because there are people there - just a few - like Roger and Bret, and a couple others, who have always treated me like an adult. but then there are others who are like, oh, she's a mature girl for her age. I think that while it was important for the kids to view themselves as adults, it was just as important, if not more so, for the parents to see us as adults too.

I hope things start to change.
I'm worried about a couple of my friends.





call me a liar
call me your friend
I will let you down, again
cause I'm a disaster
of epic proportions
I will let you down, again



other than all this, life is pretty good. just way too busy. I never had thought before that two English classes would be so much homework, but it is a LOT. speaking of which, I should probably get to that....





btw, I just discovered that next month there's going to be a Battle of the Bands as a fundraiser for our church, between Roger and the Hubcaps, and The Pilots. the Hubcaps is my worship leader (Roger's) band from back when he and Bret were in college. they play old rock and roll and are absolutely amazing. The Pilots are a brand new band with a bunch of my friends just out of high school. I just heard them for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and they are also really really good.
so yes, I'm sooooo excited for this!!!!!!!!!! it's going to be AMAZING in every sense of the word.

(just how many senses are there to the word amazing, you ask? I answer: I don't know.)

guess what?

you never will, so I'll tell you.

Focus on the Family (I think it was them) has just finished a dramatized version of the Screwtape Letters.




with Andy Serkis as Screwtape.




SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I know, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!





I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



and now I know what to get mom for Christmas, lol. :D




anyway, that was it. impressed by my short post? I know, I know.......

a different kind of christmas carol/a different kind of happily ever after

you know how it is. you have a dream - something you've had ever since childhood - and it:

a) gets crushed

b) comes true and you live happily ever after

c) sits in the background while you grow up and forget about it

d) you mean childhood is over?

I was thinking just today about one of those dreams I had forever. well, since the second or third time I read A Christmas Carol, I guess (which really wasn't that long ago, come to think of it). I always wanted to do my own production of A Christmas Carol. Like, just live it for a whole fall and winter. maybe it's the Christmas thing that comes over me at this time of year, and how I want a really good excuse to live and breathe Christmas starting in September and ending in January sometime.

I know, I know. OMG is October 2nd and Kacy's already talking about Christmas?!?!? well....yeah. I am.

I'm incredibly excited for Christmas.

and I'm incredibly excited for A Christmas Carol to once again be a part of my life.

so today, I was just kind of remembering this idea I've had forever in my head. It was always there. I'd direct it, so it would be just the way Dickens wanted it, and just the way I see it in my head. no more screwed-up interpretations or tragically-cut lines. and I'd compose the music, of course, so that it would be just perfect and Christmasy. And I'd figure out amazing Victorian costumes. And I'd give all the actors and actresses voice coaching so they'd have proper British accents, and not sound all fake, but would really truly become part of their Victorian clothes, like the Dickens Carolers who so fascinated me in the lobby at the Nutcracker. And then I'd act something too - not Scrooge or anything major like that, but some small yet meaningful part. maybe Scrooge's nephew's wife, or her sister who is obviously in love with the single young man, or maybe Scrooge's young lover at Phezziwig's party, with lots of amazing dancing just like Pride and Prejudice - except Victorian dancing.

there are, of course, a few small problems with this dream/idea/whatever you want to call it. I mean, I've never directed a thing. and I can't act, really. and I don't compose music. and I can't even do a passable British accent, much less give voice coaching. and while I like to look at Victorian costumes, I probably would have a really hard time coming up with a bunch of them.

but besides that, isn't it a great idea?

lol, I don't know why I wrote it up here, I just was thinking about it and thought I'd put it up.

but anyway, we may be going to see ACT's A Christmas Carol this year. I'm going to talk to my grandparents. we're possibly going to break tradition *gasp* and go see it instead of the Nutcracker (which we've seriously gone to see every year since I was two). I love the Nutcracker and everything, but I really want to see A Christmas Carol, and so I'm really hoping it works out. the more I think about the it the more merry and Christmasy I become!

so. what else has been happening, you ask? let's see.....

we finished Persuasion. IT. WAS. AMAZING. I read it before and seriously didn't get it. unfortunately, most of my class didn't get it this time, which is extremely frustrating. I'm running around (virtually, of course - this is an online class) trying to pound reason into all their heads telling them they've completely got the wrong idea of Anne. but anyway.....enough of that. it was really cool, and I enjoyed reading it and writing about it.

we've just started Notes From the Underground, by Dostoevsky. and drat it, though I know From shouldn't be capitalized, I keep doing it anyway, because it just seems like it should be. I mean - it's too long to be lower-case, right?

anyway. this book is stinking awesome! I read the first four chapters and then I was like, huh?? I seriously don't get this. so I read the next seven chapters (Part I of the book) because it was assigned. and then I did a ton of research on Russian philosophy and Englightenment and all the -isms, and so now I'm feeling very smart and I'm kind of excited to write about it. but now I want to go re-read what I've already read to try and understand it better. philosophy is really very confusing, given in such large doses to someone who isn't used to it.

oh, that and the fact that the censors removed a large and absolutely crucial chunk at the end of the book, where Dostoevsky pointed to Christ as the only alternative. so basically, unless you mega-reasearch this book, there's no possibly way to understand it.

which should make the forum discussions quite interesting and - dare I say it - humorous.

:D I'm so mean.

Shakespeare is still really cool. and we're still in Taming of the Shrew. there's no possible way we're getting through all five plays this quarter, and I'm seriously hoping we don't make it to Titus Andronicus.

but I am looking forward to Richard III, which comes next. it should be pretty awesome. I've got the right teacher and the right class for it.

oh yes, and instead of turning in big long papers for this class, we get to write a long, informal, very convoluted and rabbit-trailed blog post every week. is this not the most perfect arrangement ever epiphanized? (yes, I did make that word up. were you wondering?)

French class at the high school sucks. on wednesday we spent at least half of class time (no joke) watching a video of one boy in our class who got hypnotized at the Puyallup fair. the rest of class time was spent collecting cell phones, shifting seat positions, and correcting homework. not one single new thing was introduced. then yesterday we finished watching this video for a good ten minutes, finished going over the homework, and played one round of a game to work on the passe compose tense.

which is ridiculous because not only do I already know the passe compose, but it's the ONLY thing we've talked about for the last week and a half I've been in this class. seriously - THE ONLY THING.

so Cosi and I have come up with a simple yet genius arrangement: she's going to teach me German during French class. and we're going to read some French books to try and learn new words. and we're going to attemp tic tac toe with five spaces across and down instead of three. more like Bingo and not so.....predictable and boring.

oh, which reminds me - at youth group last night we played human checkers. it was amazing! (I'm using that word a lot, aren't I?) anyway, my team won, and I did the last two jumps, and it was super-duper fun. and when we got kinged we got taped with masking tape (did I mention we were wearing black or white garbage bags to denote which teams we were on?).

this weekend I'm on worship. I met with Roger last night to go over the music, because I haven't played in the bad in two months and I feel so uncreative...I feel like I've gone backwards a lot in my keyboarding skills. which is frustrating. and once again, I feel inferior and I know this will only hinder me from being used by God at all this weekend. because if I feel inferior I won't take risks and I won't be comfortable - I'll just be thinking about how everyone else is a better musician than me.

so Roger gave me a pep talk and took some of the hard musical stressy stuff away, and told me in general not to worry. "we're just gonna focus on you being back, and have fun this weekend," he told me. the team really truly missed me while I was gone, and I missed them so so SO much as well. I'm really looking forward to this weekend.

but anyway, I still have stuff to do and I want to actually get some sleep tonight. so (man this post got long again...) I'm gonna go now.

goodnight nobody. goodnight mush.